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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I going mad! -controlling behaviour

77 replies

MissSparkle47 · 12/07/2021 21:12

Hello everyone- please can I have some advice. I have been with my OH for 8 years. I will try and keep it short. I sold my house and moved in with him last November (bought a plot of land we are supposed to be building our own house) I knew he had quirky ways but hadn’t realised he wouldn’t let my then 17 year old daughter not come and stay blaming Covid. I would have never moved up if I knew he would never let her stay Even though his daughter came and went between parents she does week on week off . He had asked me to leave numerous times since then I in May took a job which had accomodation with it as I was sick of being asked to leave and having to sleep on my older daughters sofa. I have been dividing my time between both but he’s very vocal on how often I see my children and my friends and I have to be very careful with what I plan as not to upset him. Why do I have to spend a full on week with him and his daughter but I can’t see my own? I walk on broken egg shells around him as I don’t do anything right as his house load the dishwasher hang the washing etc. My dogs were a massive problem for him I have two small one’s they are ten years old he suddenly decided he didn’t want them there. Because I saw my daughter three times last week and went for breakfast with my son he says I am gallivanting. A couple of weeks ago we went out got the train there he had a sulk when we came out of the restaurant I honestly don’t know what I said and he stormed off I had to walk all through the town get the train and walk home by myself in the dark he just left me. He slags my children off something rotten which I can’t stand to hear. I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends about it. Although they have been there when he’s had a stroop and gone off and my children are not enamoured with him.
Please please help me is this normal behaviour…😌

OP posts:
Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 12/07/2021 23:06

Just seen your update. Thank goodness you were astute enough to protect your money.

It's him, not you. He is emotionally abusive. It's sadly easy to get sucked in by this and end up questioning and doubting yourself.

He wants too destroy your loving relationship with your children, separate you from other people who care about you, take away the joy your dogs bring you, and is critical and angry to keep you feeling confused and trying to please him.

You have a job, a home, an asset in the land, and love elsewhere. Please walk away from this arse.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/07/2021 23:09

Why do I have to spend a full on week with him and his daughter but I can’t see my own?

You don't. Leave him.

He slags my children off something rotten which I can’t stand to hear.

He's disgusting. Leave him.

She is 17 and you've chosen a man over her? That poor girl.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/07/2021 23:11

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Why do I have to spend a full on week with him and his daughter but I can’t see my own?

You don't. Leave him.

He slags my children off something rotten which I can’t stand to hear.

He's disgusting. Leave him.

She is 17 and you've chosen a man over her? That poor girl.

To clarify, choosing a man over your child who has done nothing wrong (whatever their age) is absolutely unfathomable. It's just even more upsetting if that child is 17/18. Poor wee girl.
LawnFever · 12/07/2021 23:23

He had asked me to leave numerous times since then I in May took a job which had accomodation with it as I was sick of being asked to leave and having to sleep on my older daughters sofa. I have been dividing my time between both but he’s very vocal on how often I see my children and my friends and I have to be very careful with what I plan as not to upset him.

Take him up on his suggestion of leaving, just go to your flat and simply don’t come back. Get your plot of land sold, just do it, don’t tell him.

Who cares if you upset him? He’s awful!

Blacktothepink · 12/07/2021 23:28

Fucking hell! Ltb! Get legal advice ASAP!

QueenBee52 · 13/07/2021 01:17

Block Him... Do not look back ..

Focus on You .,, your own precious children and your dogs not this vile controlling scum bag ...

are you financially protected.. did you put money or the land in his name ?

🌸

alexdgr8 · 13/07/2021 01:31

do not tell him that you are leaving.
do not say anything that indicates you are even thinking it.
just act. do it. leave. asap.
tell him nothing.
tell your friends and family.
all the best.

QueenBee52 · 13/07/2021 02:06

@alexdgr8

do not tell him that you are leaving. do not say anything that indicates you are even thinking it. just act. do it. leave. asap. tell him nothing. tell your friends and family. all the best.

yes say nothing 🌸

2bazookas · 13/07/2021 02:26

How on earth did none of this become apparent for 8 years?

Goldielow · 13/07/2021 02:46

People on here are really quick start putting someone down! OP asked for help, snarky comments aren't helpful!

OP. I'm sorry you're in this situation but it is not your fault and you don't need to feel bad. Please ignore others saying you'll lose respect from your children etc, we need to focus on you right now!
It sounds as though your DH is trying to separate you as best he can from your family and friends and isolate you. Even if his intention isn't that, you'll still end up isolated if you do as he wants you to do and it leaves you very vulnerable.
This kind of behaviour is concerning and you need to put yourself first! The best thing to do is to have a plan. You say you have work accommodation, if you can't have your dogs there then try asking someone else to take them as I know it's probably a worry for you, perhaps a relative or friend can't temporarily take them in for you. Seek advice on the house but most importantly seek advice and support.

I know you said you don't want to tell your friends but trust me, they'd be gutted if they knew you didn't want to tell them. Right now you need someone in your life who can help you and support you.

It's not normal behaviour and it can be dangerous. Your safety is the most important thing right now so please reach out, whether it's a charity, a friend, a relative or even a local counselling service, just talk to someone.

Onthemaintrunkline · 13/07/2021 03:26

If you were happy, felt respected, treated as an equal, you wouldn’t have posted here. So good on you for realising this. The treatment you are being subjected to is insidious,, deliberate controlled bullying, designed to eliminate your support network and increase your dependence on him. As goldielow suggested, make a plan to get the heck away from him, make no announcements, quietly get all you need and run as fast as you can and never, not for a second look back. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/07/2021 03:29

Is this a joke?

If not, your poor children. Disgraceful parenting.

Goldielow · 13/07/2021 03:51

@aquamarine1029

Your judgement on someone's parenting when they are reaching out with worry over being controlled in what seems like an abusive relationship is not necessary. In fact, it's vile. And your attitude is why so many people don't speak out or talk to people around them and end up in more danger for longer.

alexdgr8 · 13/07/2021 04:15

also, OP has stated that her children are all now grown up.
it is OP herself who needs help and support, which is why the partner is trying to keep her away from them.
OP, this coercive control is also a crime.
you can report it to the police, who will help you move out if necessary. i mean you must move out; they will stand guard if necessary.
also it might be worth going to see your doctor, to record the fact of the effect his behaviour has had on you.
and there's advice and support from women's aid.
let us know how you get on.
all the best.

daretodenim · 13/07/2021 06:14

It's not OK OP. This is both directly controlling and coercive control.

You do not have to accept this treatment. Do what you can to leave (with your dogs). If leaving means you have to lose some material belongings, it is worth it. Even if that makes it difficult. His behaviour will at the very least make you depressed in the long term. And there's no chance he's going to change.

Plan your departure carefully and don't tell him until you've gone. And don't tell him where you've gone to.

Sparkle2309 · 13/07/2021 06:48

Thank you for your replies well some of them. Because my girls haven't been that easy as teenagers he often will throw that in my face. My youngest was rude to him last year and he hasn't spoken to her for literally a year. He blames it on we can't get together because of Covid. But once I'd moved up to his it was then well it's his house and he can have in it who he wants. Also being told when we have our new house kids aren't just popping in etc and if I want that then this relationship isn't for him. I remember now why he left me when we was out it was because I was going down to the flat the next day he had 'jobs to do' it was already decided that the day before. But when I was out because I'd mentioned I was going to go down to my daughters and see her he went mad. He is happy if I am in my flat on my own but not if I see anyone. As it is I pulled myself away from a lot of my friends that he didn't like. Make sure I don't go out at night with them just go for lunch or early dinner after work. I'm not saying I'm perfect I'm sure I do some things wrong but am struggling to see it's anything that bad. A massive argument between us was because I didn't wash up the plates etc before I put them in the dishwasher I would just rinse. I had poor cleanliness according to him x

girlmom21 · 13/07/2021 06:58

@Sparkle2309 please don't move with him. He's just going to isolate you more and more.

LawnFever · 13/07/2021 08:23

OP, are you married to him? Or just living together?

Take some things and go to your flat and stay there, speak to someone asap about selling the land - don’t tell him you’re doing it, just leave theres nothing to keep you living in his house.

KatySun · 13/07/2021 08:53

Most teenagers are not that easy, though, and living with or having a controlling man in their lives won’t have made it easier, just as it is not making your life better. It is not surprising you have lost confidence - he has isolated you from your friends and finds fault in what you do. There is no need to wash plates fully before putting them in a dishwasher, otherwise what is the point of the dishwasher?!? However, it probably would not matter what you do, he will find fault.

But look at it this way, you have survived this nonsense and control, raised decent children (who you want to see, surely, as and when suits you and them!) and manage an independent living facility. That is impressive. You are not stuck with this man, and you don’t need his permission to sell your land (or whatever else you want to do with it).

RandomMess · 13/07/2021 09:08

Why would you have want to stay with him??

pinkyredrose · 13/07/2021 09:13

What a revolting specimen he is. Do yourself a favour and get rid of this deadweight.

FinallyHere · 13/07/2021 09:41

always questioning myself asking myself what am I doing wrong. I really try my best and it never seems good enough

This is so sad to read, would love to give you a hug or a handhold. Please know that it's nothing you are doing. It's not your fault. Nothing you could do, would stop him trying to abuse you.

It's him, it's not you.

You sound as if you are in a good position. You have somewhere to live, you invested your money in your name only. You can just cut ties with him and hurrah, you are on your way to recovery.

Can you do that ?

You might find this useful, there is an online version of you can't get to groups.

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

And a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that' that you can read online

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

All the very best. You have got this.

billy1966 · 13/07/2021 09:57

Get anything of value out of his house quietly and never return.

The police will help you though if you need it.

8 years you have been involved with him.
Your poor children.

Sell that land without discussion with him, it is nothing to do with him.

I really think you should go to the police and tell them about him.

Call Woman's aid for support as you seem very vulnerable.

Bananalanacake · 13/07/2021 10:51

Would you prefer living on your own and meeting him once a week or so, then you can see your DD whenever you want and wash up how you want.

LawnFever · 13/07/2021 12:56

@Bananalanacake

Would you prefer living on your own and meeting him once a week or so, then you can see your DD whenever you want and wash up how you want.
Why on earth would she want to meet him once a week?

Cut ties and run!

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