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Original poster

When you have feelings for FWB and they don't feel the same....

84 replies

CatFan1122 · 12/07/2021 17:08

I'm in agony. Feel like I'm obsessed..

This has been going on for two years now. He's also a colleague which makes it so much worse. I'm getting close to quitting my job as my life just isn't worth living

I've explained how I feel, then he'll go away for a while and inevitably come back and the whole cycle just starts again.

Any tips/advice please.....

OP posts:
romdowa · 12/07/2021 17:11

Usually when one catches the feels then it's time to end the arrangement. Otherwise you'll just continue to feel awful, hurt and rejected.

Original poster
CatFan1122 · 12/07/2021 17:15

I've had feelings pretty much from the beginning. That's the problem.. I've spent the entire time hoping he'll change his mind. If he thinks I'm moving on he'll throw me a crumb to imply he may just change his mind this time...... and then a No.

It's disgusting behaviour and I'd never do it to anyone. But it doesn't seem to change how I feel

OP posts:
InTheNightWeWillWish · 12/07/2021 17:18

If he knows how you feel and is still continuing with the FWB, then he’s using you. He’s not a friend. A friend wouldn’t intentionally hurt you like that. He’s using you for sex. He’ll keep coming back and nothing will change. You need to cut him off. It’s hard. Really hard. I had a FWB situation with an ex who was also a friend, so I’m speaking from experience when I say it’s hard. You just have to realise you’re worth more and to walk away. You might slip up, that’s fine, you just try again until you start to believe that you deserve better, then it becomes pretty easy.

gamerchick · 12/07/2021 17:19

@romdowa

Usually when one catches the feels then it's time to end the arrangement. Otherwise you'll just continue to feel awful, hurt and rejected.
This.

FWB only works when you treat it like a fun transaction. It serves a purpose. Once you get the feelings and the other person hasn't. It's time to end it. You know what to do OP

gamerchick · 12/07/2021 17:20

@CatFan1122

I've had feelings pretty much from the beginning. That's the problem.. I've spent the entire time hoping he'll change his mind. If he thinks I'm moving on he'll throw me a crumb to imply he may just change his mind this time...... and then a No.

It's disgusting behaviour and I'd never do it to anyone. But it doesn't seem to change how I feel

He's a dick who's using you.
PumpkinKlNG · 12/07/2021 18:03

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong, you agree with FWB then hoped by sleeping with him he would changed his mind? Yes it sometimes happens but Imo it mostly doesn’t! That’s why I don’t think FWB is a good idea as someone always usually gets feelings (usually the woman)

me4real · 12/07/2021 18:06

Bloody hell, 2 years.

He's using you and hurting you.

Stop shagging him/ seeing him outside of work. Any texts, don't reply much, maybe the occasional 'been busy.'

FWB is usually men using a woman they don't respect as a bouncy castle.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 12/07/2021 18:09

This was me many many years ago.

The decision was taken out of my hands when he one day sent me a callous message telling he had met someone and he couldn't fool around with me anymore.

If I could go back I would have cut him off.

You need to go cold turkey. Rip the plaster off. Block him. Be cordial at work.

Be pleased he can't have you anymore because you are too special for him Flowers

me4real · 12/07/2021 18:09

If he thinks I'm moving on he'll throw me a crumb to imply he may just change his mind this time.... and then a No. It's disgusting behaviour and I'd never do it to anyone. But it doesn't seem to change how I feel

He's kind of narcissistic, the manipulation. Manipulative at least. I would block him.

me4real · 12/07/2021 18:10

I've had it happen quite a few times when I was younger or not myself. Cunts.

TedMullins · 12/07/2021 18:10

Stop shagging him! Why are you giving him all the power? Yes he’s an arsehole if he knows how you feel and keeps sleeping with you, but when he throws you a crumb you don’t have to run back to him. He hasn’t changed his mind, presumably he entered the arrangement thinking it was FWB and made it clear he didn’t want more? We’ve all made the mistake of hoping it’ll develop but the lesson is to listen to a person when they’re telling you how they feel. Stop sleeping with him, stop interacting with him. Problem solved.

Sandra15 · 12/07/2021 18:11

Yes you need to be the one to finish it. Don't give him the satisfaction.

TedMullins · 12/07/2021 18:13

@me4real

Bloody hell, 2 years.

He's using you and hurting you.

Stop shagging him/ seeing him outside of work. Any texts, don't reply much, maybe the occasional 'been busy.'

FWB is usually men using a woman they don't respect as a bouncy castle.

I agree with your first three sentences but not the last. This man appears to be using OP but when both parties want a non committal sexual relationship FWB can work well, it’s not inherently exploitative. It’s a terrible idea to enter into an FWB situation with the hope it’ll become more, though, and the person who doesn’t have feelings should have enough respect to end it with the one who does. Since this guy doesn’t, he needs to be binned
TheFoundations · 12/07/2021 18:20

I think dropping the drama might be a good idea.

You have feelings for somebody who doesn't reciprocate. It's happened to most people at some point. It's not very nice, but, as with not very nice feelings in general, you can't switch it off. You have to be responsible for making your life ok for you. So, you have to make sure you don't spend very much time in places/with people/doing things that don't feel very nice.

What you're essentially doing is saying that the cold is agony, and you can't think about anything else, whilst refusing to get out of the fridge.

This isn't a horrid circumstance that life is putting you in; you are choosing to make yourself feel awful, and then complaining about it.

miltonj · 12/07/2021 18:22

Break it off, for your own dignity.

If you have feelings for someone, when you have sex you are 'making love' to them (cringe as that sounds), but for him, he is scratching an itch, so to speak. You need to find someone on the same page as you sexually and emotionally. You're dragging on the hurt snd the feelings by sticking to the arrangement. The feelings will go, but not if you carry on.

PinkyPunkyHairdoo · 12/07/2021 18:24

I know someone in this situation but from the male side. He's clearly using the woman for sex for about 2 years and somewhere to stay when he's in town (London), he lives in a different country. She's in love with him but he's just seeing it as FWB. They work together as well.

Multiple people have told him he's being a dick but he doesn't seem to care as he's getting what he wants. She seems, in the nicest way possible, a bit pathetic. She's in her 50s and has come out of a bad marriage, actually suspect this situation was the catalyst for their breakup. Now
lives alone and seems desperate to get married again. He is quite wealthy so I suspect from what he's said she has built up a fantasy that he's her soul mate and is going to provide her with this amazing lifestyle. Reality is he's actually got another girlfriend on the go (one of a string of GFs), lives in a different country and only flies in occasionally for business. She's his London option but I don't think she knows she's actually one of many.

She's quite a fragile character and he says some awful things when he talks about her to other people (damaged goods, fragile, nightmare to live with, thinks she's on the spectrum). But he keeps her dangling as an option. As I say I think he's a dick. But she keeps letting him do it as I think she's convinced herself they'll end up together. Meanwhile he's off with his 30 something girlfriend when he's not in London.

I don't think its going to end well but she seems to swallow everything he says.

worktrip · 12/07/2021 18:26

@CatFan1122

I've had feelings pretty much from the beginning. That's the problem.. I've spent the entire time hoping he'll change his mind. If he thinks I'm moving on he'll throw me a crumb to imply he may just change his mind this time...... and then a No.

It's disgusting behaviour and I'd never do it to anyone. But it doesn't seem to change how I feel

Then you are a fool. Block and end it.
Flugbustingbiz · 12/07/2021 18:30

Your mistake was thinking he'd change his mind - why would he? You're offering him convenient sex with none of the commitment.

If he wanted to be your bf he'd have done it from the start. Stop speaking to him and find a new job. Be prepared for him to not really care when you 'break up'.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 12/07/2021 18:35

I don't know these arrangements are referred to as Feb, they are rarely bass n friendship and nearly always end in tears.
One thing I do know is these situations only work happily for both parties while neither side has any kind of emotional attachment.

What he is doing isn't fair, in any way but in all honesty (and I don't me a this to sound as blunt as it will) he is only doing what you are allowing him to do.
You know he isn't going to change his mind, you can't make him love you anymore than he can stop you moving him.
Hard as it maybe, change your number, cut contact, stop sleeping with him, stop interacting him unless jt's work related. Let the fog clear, lick your wounds and move on.

Gilda152 · 12/07/2021 18:38

You're being toxic to yourself here, be kind to yourself instead and free yourself up for a relationship with meaning on both sides because this will never be that.

OomphRidden · 12/07/2021 18:48

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

He doesn't have your best interests at heart so is not your friend, and you don't love him - you want him, but this is not love. Cut him off, NOW, knowing: it's going to hurt for a while but you absolutely owe it to yourself to do it.

God luck OP, I'm cheering you on to break free!

OomphRidden · 12/07/2021 18:49

*Good luck

noirchatsdeux · 12/07/2021 18:53

I ended up in this situation when I let an ex back in my life on a 'fwb' basis. I was in my late 30s so didn't even have the excuse of being young and stupid... letting myself be 'demoted', as it were, was one of the worst things I've ever done to myself.

Much like your situation, I convinced myself that the fact he kept coming back as 'proof' he still had feelings for me...it took 2 and a half years for me to finally wake up to the truth - he liked the sex, not me. It happened when we met up after a gap of about 6 months, and he told me that he'd had a girlfriend, split from her and shagged a friend of his the same night...I must have looked horrified, and he said 'well I would have shagged you but we weren't talking at the time...'

The scales finally fell from eyes hearing that one sentence. We had an almighty fight, I told him he was a user and cut all contact. Was another 2 years before i saw him again, when I ran into him in the city centre (he lived about 30 miles away). That was about 9 years ago, not seen or heard from him since. I met my now partner 6 months after I finally got rid, we've now been together nearly 12 years.

Stop letting him waste your time.

Imjustsootired · 12/07/2021 20:19

Agony indeed. I'm just coming out of the other side of this and can honestly say it's been mental torture, 24/7 day and night fighting the urge to message him, repeating the cold things he said to me when he knew how I felt over and over in my mind. I replayed the hurt every day for 4 months, to stop.myself messaging him and begging him for his attention and time. Cutting off someone you love deeply is excruciating but I can tell you, hand on heart, the pain starts to ease. Think about all the times he has let you down or hurt you... keep playing them over and over in your head. That's the real him.

It takes massive strength. Good luck xxx

Honeyroar · 12/07/2021 20:24

You’ve got to stand up for yourself- stop the hurt. He won’t, and he won’t change his mind. He’s not treating you well and he’s using you. You deserve someone who cares about you, treats you well. If there are options of alternative jobs around I would think about it. You need to get out of this toxic situation.