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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When you have feelings for FWB and they don't feel the same....

84 replies

CatFan1122 · 12/07/2021 17:08

I'm in agony. Feel like I'm obsessed..

This has been going on for two years now. He's also a colleague which makes it so much worse. I'm getting close to quitting my job as my life just isn't worth living

I've explained how I feel, then he'll go away for a while and inevitably come back and the whole cycle just starts again.

Any tips/advice please.....

OP posts:
Kinneddar · 12/07/2021 20:28

FWB is usually men using a woman they don't respect as a bouncy castle

Thats a horrible description. FWB can work very well if both parties stick to the rules.

PumpkinKlNG · 12/07/2021 20:30

She said usually not always and tbh I do agree as it’s normally the woman getting feelings and getting hurt

Purplealienpuke · 12/07/2021 21:27

I cut my 2 Yr FWB out of my life this year.
I didn't love him, but I would have seen him more often than he was available.
Until he totally disrespected me. Then I really saw him for who he was....
Off you fuck!
You sound like you're torturing yourself with this. Get some head space. Write down all the shit things he's said/done and ask yourself why you're wanting this in your life.
If you are able to switch jobs then do.
My ex FWB messaged me out of the blue after several months.... I thought I'd blocked him. I have now 😊

Redglitter · 12/07/2021 21:46

I've had a FWB set up for a number of years. It's fab BUT much as we both really like one another, he really is my best friend, neither of us wants a conventional relationship with each other. So, it works. If however one of us had a change in feelings we'd stop, however after the length of time it's been working thats not going to happen. I know I certainly couldn't do if it if I was in love with him.& hoping for more

Faith50 · 12/07/2021 22:02

I had several fwb situations. I wanted to be their girlfriends and due to low self esteem allowed myself to be a fwb. I naively hoped I would be upgraded to girlfriend status - never was.

It damages your confidence and for years I felt I only had sex to offer, that my company, looks, personality were not enough.

again2020 · 12/07/2021 22:11

I had this years ago although a much shorter time frame and not a colleague. I told him how I felt and it was just before Christmas and he basically said 'we can meet up over Christmas' so I spent the whole time waiting for a text that never came. I finished with him soon afterwards. He tried to ask me out a few months later but I was with someone else by then.

I know it feels horrible but you have to rip the plaster off. You analyse everything they do and kid yourself that they like you and feel the same. It is likely that he doesn't.

Please put yourself first, you are worth more!

me4real · 13/07/2021 01:14

@TedMullins It's in theory not inherently exploitative- what I was saying was in practice it often is exploitative.

me4real · 13/07/2021 01:20

@Purplealienpuke What did he do, if it's not too private? PM if you prefer.

I ended a 'FWB' thing 18 months ago because MN helped me realize he wasn't a friend, but a manipulative narc using me and trying to get me to do stuff I didn't want to.

Mermaidwaves · 13/07/2021 03:43

@Faith50
You described the situation I was in last year, hoping to be upgraded to girlfriend which never happened, I was dumped when he did find a proper girlfriend. I now also feel I have nothing to offer a man which I need to work on.

OP I know how painful it feels, but when he meets someone he does want a relationship with it will hurt even more, end it now before that inevitably happens.

Guavafish · 13/07/2021 03:48

If it’s that bad … I think change your job

Original poster
CatFan1122 · 13/07/2021 07:06

I've actually considered looking for other jobs now. The problem is that this is the best / highest paying job I've ever had. I did get promoted within the department and at least moved buildings, so I have in a sense escaped the memories that were there. But he works in the building I'm now in every so often.

But when I think about working elsewhere I get a huge sense of relief. I was almost in tears yesterday because I know I'll just be obsessing about the idea of bumping into him one day

Last night he messaged to ask how my day was which led to me believing somehow that he likes me. It's stupid.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 13/07/2021 07:38

There’s a simple solution to that… block him

Cowbells · 13/07/2021 07:47

Please do some work on self-esteem. If you are thinking of leaving work over him,only do so if you get an upgrade of pay or role. Go higher.
Stop seeing him. End it and play high status: you want and deserve more than the crumbs he offers and have no intention of crawling back for them. You are on to better things.

I'm a short fat woman with massive self esteem problems but I have never let men know that and never had problems attracting men since I stopped revealing it. They love a woman who appears to think very highly of herself. Play it as a game. Assume a man who is interested in you must behave at all times with respect for you, affection, interest, imagination and generosity of spirit. It's empowering.

Cowbells · 13/07/2021 07:49

Next time he messages, ignore the message or reply hours later with a one word message - good! or fun! Then plan some good fun things to do that have nothing to do with him so that it's true.

Fashionesta · 13/07/2021 08:13

This happened to me. Spent two years shagging someone hoping he would fall for me. He didn't. Finally I said I didn't want to sleep with him anymore but wanted to stay friends. He said fine but every week would try and manipulate me to sleep with him. I stood firm. When he realised I wouldn't capitulate he stopped talking to me. So not friends then, hmm funny that.

I miss him like crazy but feel a million times better knowing I'm not being used for sex. Oh and he was definitely a narcissist. They usually are!

GentlemanJay · 13/07/2021 08:25

@Kinneddar

FWB is usually men using a woman they don't respect as a bouncy castle

Thats a horrible description. FWB can work very well if both parties stick to the rules.

I've had two wonderful relationships of this type. The second one however finished when I discovered she had developed feelings. I didn't realise I was making it worse for her until someone pointed it out to me. We finished it straight away.
EarthSight · 13/07/2021 08:51

Only you can help you.

So far, he hasn't shown any proof that he takes you seriously. The same thing keeps happening again and again. What you need to do is let go and accept he doesn't want you, he just wants your body, and is perfectly willing to manipulate you to get it.

Honestly, now that you know that about him, is that the kind of person you'd want to settle with anyway?? If it is, I think might need therapy to help you. You might get a lot of difficult relationship issues in future if you don't work through that.

Proudmumtoday · 13/07/2021 08:54

FWB are great until someone gets feelings.

I had one for a number of years and it was fab - we genuinely were friends and the sex was great but I didn’t want a relationship.

Once I realised he did, I ended it.

You need to block him.

FootieFever22 · 13/07/2021 09:04

Any tips

Stop fucking him?

Cut all contact not necessary for work.

He's not your mate, never was.

You need to go cold turkey, it'll be like adduction withdrawal - the adduction being trying to win with him and the highs and lows of that.

This was a major fuck up on your part from the start, cause you had feelings and hoped he'd change his mind and get into an actual relationship. Worst possible basis for Fwb.

Fwb works for about 1% of women anyway. Too much oxytocin.

FootieFever22 · 13/07/2021 09:05

And yeah you should probably get a new job.

Hard to go cold turkey when you see someone around all the time at work.

ThePlantsitter · 13/07/2021 09:13

He's not your friend and there are no benefits. Sex with someone you love who doesn't love you back is awful.

This isn't about him (because he's a using twat, sorry), this is about you. Look up 'limerence' and it will probably help you realise what's going on for you.

Proudmumtoday · 13/07/2021 09:17

Sex with someone I didn’t love and who didn’t love me back was great. Good sex with a mate, chat, Chinese food and home in the morning. No ties. Just a physical thing.

Cowbells · 13/07/2021 09:22

I genuinely don't understand how FWB works. If you are genuinely a good friend with someone and fancy them enough to sleep with - isn't that ideal partner material? Like and lust? If you don't like or fancy them enough to go out with, why sleep with them? How does it work when it works and how is it different from a relationship? It seems a bit degrading to me: they like me/I like them but not enough to actually go out with each other.

Cowbells · 13/07/2021 09:23

Although @Proudmumtoday might have just helped answer the question! Grin

Proudmumtoday · 13/07/2021 09:23

@Cowbells at the time I didn’t want a relationship but I missed sex. He was single and similarly didn’t want a relationship (I had kids, he was busy with his career) and whilst I liked him and he was sexy, he wasn’t what I wanted in a partner.