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Original poster

When you have feelings for FWB and they don't feel the same....

84 replies

CatFan1122 · 12/07/2021 17:08

I'm in agony. Feel like I'm obsessed..

This has been going on for two years now. He's also a colleague which makes it so much worse. I'm getting close to quitting my job as my life just isn't worth living

I've explained how I feel, then he'll go away for a while and inevitably come back and the whole cycle just starts again.

Any tips/advice please.....

OP posts:
TedMullins · 13/07/2021 09:29

@Cowbells

I genuinely don't understand how FWB works. If you are genuinely a good friend with someone and fancy them enough to sleep with - isn't that ideal partner material? Like and lust? If you don't like or fancy them enough to go out with, why sleep with them? How does it work when it works and how is it different from a relationship? It seems a bit degrading to me: they like me/I like them but not enough to actually go out with each other.
Not everyone wants a full time partner. Sometimes an FWB is someone you fancy enough physically to sleep with, but don’t have feelings for them on a deeper level to be in a relationship with. There’s nothing degrading about it when both parties are on the same page about wanting semi-regular sex and hangouts but there’s no expectation of it developing into anything more and nothing stopping either party dating other people. I had a very successful FWB over ten years - I found him physically attractive and very good in bed, and fun enough to spend time with occasionally, but no, I didn’t like him enough to want anything deeper with him and for much of the time we were FWB-ing I was moving around different cities and establishing my career so wouldn’t have wanted to be tied down to a partner in one location. He also worked in live events so was often touring. It was great - we’d see each other maybe 3-4 times a year, have a day out, a few days of great sex then lie in bed afterwards rating each other’s tinder matches 😂 then we’d go out separate ways and not speak for a few months until one of us reached out. I never thought about him when he wasn’t around and he didn’t impinge on my life in any way - I didn’t have to factor him into any big life decisions, for example. In the last couple of years he started to irritate me so I just let things fizzle out, but it was brilliant while it lasted.
PumpkinKlNG · 13/07/2021 10:14

Imo a lot of men use FWB as a way to sleep with someone but aren’t actually friends with them, so that’s really a fuck buddy but women think it’s FWB of course it’s possible to sleep with someone you don’t like or fancy just an itch that needs scratching

GentlemanJay · 13/07/2021 10:40

@Cowbells

I genuinely don't understand how FWB works. If you are genuinely a good friend with someone and fancy them enough to sleep with - isn't that ideal partner material? Like and lust? If you don't like or fancy them enough to go out with, why sleep with them? How does it work when it works and how is it different from a relationship? It seems a bit degrading to me: they like me/I like them but not enough to actually go out with each other.
It worked best for me when I found someone I liked. Respected. We could do the nice things couples for. Days out, weekends away. But unlike a normal relationship we were not looking n each other's faces 24/7. She had a busy life and so did I.
GentlemanJay · 13/07/2021 10:42

@PumpkinKlNG

Imo a lot of men use FWB as a way to sleep with someone but aren’t actually friends with them, so that’s really a fuck buddy but women think it’s FWB of course it’s possible to sleep with someone you don’t like or fancy just an itch that needs scratching
Please don't confuse at FB with a FWBs. Two completely different things. I wouldn't go on a short break away with a FB. I'm not sure I'd even go out for a meal with one. FBs are just about sex. You may get a cup of tea if you are lucky. Lol.
Redglitter · 13/07/2021 11:23

I genuinely don't understand how FWB works. If you are genuinely a good friend with someone and fancy them enough to sleep with - isn't that ideal partner material? Like and lust? If you don't like or fancy them enough to go out with, why sleep with them? How does it work when it works and how is it different from a relationship? It seems a bit degrading to me: they like me/I like them but not enough to actually go out with each other

Its not in the least degrading. My FWB is a very good friend. He comes over to mine regularly, and the sex is amazing. I have absolutely no desire to have a relationship with him. We'd drive each other nuts. I like him as a friend, and do find him attractive but don't want anything more.

We don't go out for dinner, or go out together, doing that would in my mind make it a relationship.

It works for us. It works really well. It suits us both. I'm not in any way being used by him, It's not, as so many people on here think, an excuse for him to have sex without strings. Before we started having sex we discussed things at length, we both went into it with the same expectations & that's why it works

Original poster
CatFan1122 · 13/07/2021 11:30

I've just told him I don't want any part of it anymore

Painful but I need to do this

OP posts:
PumpkinKlNG · 13/07/2021 11:31

Also fwb means no commitment so the people are free to date others as well which I guess is the appeal for a lot of people

PumpkinKlNG · 13/07/2021 11:31

Well at least you done it op, just stick to it now

Honeyroar · 13/07/2021 11:37

Well done OP. Now stay strong.

ThePlantsitter · 13/07/2021 11:38

@CatFan1122

I've just told him I don't want any part of it anymore

Painful but I need to do this

Well done. FWB probably does work for some combinations of people but when you each feel you're in something different it has to stop I reckon.
ParsleyDill · 13/07/2021 11:55

@Cowbells

I genuinely don't understand how FWB works. If you are genuinely a good friend with someone and fancy them enough to sleep with - isn't that ideal partner material? Like and lust? If you don't like or fancy them enough to go out with, why sleep with them? How does it work when it works and how is it different from a relationship? It seems a bit degrading to me: they like me/I like them but not enough to actually go out with each other.
But you’re assuming everyone wants a relationship. I didn’t. My FWB was just that, a friend I genuinely liked and with whom I had good sex when we were both single and not looking.
Cowbells · 13/07/2021 12:01

Okay, I sort of understand that, except that friendship and regular sex are both relationships and combined they become a fairly important relationship which to me seems very similar to going out with someone. I don't have a problem with it at all, I just don't quite understand how it works.

Redglitter · 13/07/2021 12:06

which to me seems very similar to going out with someone

But that's the whole thing, we don't go out together. Going out etc is exactly what makes it a relationship IMO. We don't have dinner, watch movies, go out etc. That's not what it's about. We meet up, spend a few hours together, have sex, and he goes home

PumpkinKlNG · 13/07/2021 12:12

To me it’s more the lack of exclusivity, so FWB you’re free to see others, there’s no commitment, that’s not usually the case in relationships (unless it’s an open relationship which lets be honest aren’t that common)

GentlemanJay · 13/07/2021 12:21

@Redglitter

which to me seems very similar to going out with someone

But that's the whole thing, we don't go out together. Going out etc is exactly what makes it a relationship IMO. We don't have dinner, watch movies, go out etc. That's not what it's about. We meet up, spend a few hours together, have sex, and he goes home

To be fair my FWBs were far more than this. Yours sounds like a FB relationship.
GentlemanJay · 13/07/2021 12:24

@CatFan1122

I've just told him I don't want any part of it anymore

Painful but I need to do this

If he knows what you are going through but won't leave you then he's selfish.

I had to walk away in a similar situation. I really liked her but me seeing her was beginning to upset her.

TedMullins · 13/07/2021 12:25

@Cowbells

Okay, I sort of understand that, except that friendship and regular sex are both relationships and combined they become a fairly important relationship which to me seems very similar to going out with someone. I don't have a problem with it at all, I just don't quite understand how it works.
It can be an important relationship without being the primary relationship in your life. My FWB was quite a good friend (til we drifted apart anyway) and I enjoyed seeing him and hanging out when we were both available, but neither of us wanted to prioritise that relationship or stop dating other people. I was open to a more serious relationship - just not with him.
Redglitter · 13/07/2021 12:31

Yours sounds like a FB relationship

It's most definitely not. He's my best friend. We chat lots between visits & when he visits he's here for hours. Were friends first & foremost. We both feel going out for dinner etc starts to blur the lines & is moving more into dating territory.

TedMullins · 13/07/2021 12:45

I go for dinner with male friends and have even been on holiday alone with one, and these aren’t even ones I was shagging. I don’t agree they’re exclusively ‘date’ activities and I did them with my FWB too.

Redglitter · 13/07/2021 12:54

I appreciate that but personally for us, that was the boundaries we set and years down the line it still works. I think that's the fundamental rule of any successful FWB arrangements that you both agree with all the rules you set whether the emotions and feelings you have (or don't have) or whether it includes going out for dinner.

If you both agree & stick to the ground rules you set, then it can be an incredibly successful arrangement

Original poster
CatFan1122 · 13/07/2021 13:28

Fake it til you make it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatFan1122 · 13/07/2021 13:29

I also think my situation was different to many posters, I wanted to be upgraded to FWB at least.

What I don't get is how someone can sleep with someone they don't even like

OP posts:
Proudmumtoday · 13/07/2021 13:38

@Cowbells

Okay, I sort of understand that, except that friendship and regular sex are both relationships and combined they become a fairly important relationship which to me seems very similar to going out with someone. I don't have a problem with it at all, I just don't quite understand how it works.
He and I were not compatible relationship wise. We should have driven each other nuts.

I could never have lived with him, we wouldn’t have lasted, plus neither of us wanted a relationship. We were friends, who fancied each other, and shagged each other occasionally and that was all.

justhisonce345 · 13/07/2021 13:47

@Proudmumtoday

Sex with someone I didn’t love and who didn’t love me back was great. Good sex with a mate, chat, Chinese food and home in the morning. No ties. Just a physical thing.
See, I just couldn't do this. I don't fancy my male friends. That's why they are my friends. The thought of sex with them makes me feel physically ill.
Lexocet · 13/07/2021 14:02

@CatFan1122

I also think my situation was different to many posters, I wanted to be upgraded to FWB at least.

What I don't get is how someone can sleep with someone they don't even like

How can someone sleep with someone they don't even like? Easy. They're just a hole or a penis, you can close your eyes, and you can temporarily compartmentalise whatever intellectual inadequacy offends you.