Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Not again!

33 replies

ItsVousNotMoi · 11/07/2021 08:41

Just found out partner has been round his ex girlfriends house. Again. Had this before, where we parted and he moved out to rent somewhere else. Promised he would not go round there again and now I've found out. WTAF.
I think he was feeling low on his birthday and wanted some validation from someone who used to care for him - I truly believe this.

I have a quandary though, yes part of me wants to tell him I know, but I have a kitchen that he is putting in for me and it's half done. If I tell him to go, I will have to pay for the work which I can't afford.
What should I do?? Wait till he's done the work or tell him to fuck off now??

OP posts:

TheQueef · 11/07/2021 08:43

Let him finish the kitchen and supply him enough rope to make your decision obvious.

CircleofWillis · 11/07/2021 08:46

Has he just been round to hang out or do you think they are sleeping together? If hanging out that really wouldn't bother me unless he lied about it.

If they are having sex then of course you bin him now. It is really shitty to delay because you want to use him for free labor and would be presumably faking a relationship until the kitchen is done.

Original poster

ItsVousNotMoi · 11/07/2021 08:46

But how? The time will have passed by the time the kitchen is done. Should I let him keep going round there while I'm at work and out of the way?

OP posts:

Original poster

ItsVousNotMoi · 11/07/2021 08:48

How is it shitty to have him finish the kitchen, but not shitty to go to an exes' house while I'm at work?

OP posts:

bigbaggyeyes · 11/07/2021 08:49

Just let him finish the kitchen the dump him. Who cares if time has passed between now and the time it takes him to finish the kitchen. He's a lying cheat by the sounds of things, nothing to say you don't get your lb of flesh before you leave him

TheQueef · 11/07/2021 08:49

At the moment you aren't certain he is cheating.
While he finishes the kitchen give him opportunity to behave.
If he doesn't do anything wrong, no harm done and the kitchen is finished.
If he's a scummy man he'll take the chance to cheat. And the kitchen is finished.

Original poster

ItsVousNotMoi · 11/07/2021 08:51

The funny thing is I bloody knew he had gone round there, I had a gut feeling that he had. He couldn't produce a card from his mum and dad when he said he had been there 🙄

OP posts:

romdowa · 11/07/2021 08:52

Get your kitchen finished and then dump him. I wouldn't even tell him why either.

Doublestar · 11/07/2021 08:53

IMO going round his exes house again is grounds for dumping - whether he's shagging her or not. The "sad on my birthday" excuse sounds like a pile of bullshit.

I'd let him finish the kitchen first - tell him you have a very infectious disease of the fanny which unfortunately means no sex in the meantime but it should be cleared up by the time he's finished the kitchen. Then when he's finished, dump him!

TheQueef · 11/07/2021 08:55

Good point Doublestar remember to get raging thrush for the duration of works.

NeedyNora · 11/07/2021 09:01

How long was he at exes?
I would say someone saw him going in and casually ask questions.

sammylady37 · 11/07/2021 09:07

@ItsVousNotMoi

How is it shitty to have him finish the kitchen, but not shitty to go to an exes' house while I'm at work?

Who said it wasn’t shitty of him to do that? Nobody did. But you’re not in control of what he does, you’re only in control of what you do. And prolonging a relationship to get free labour is shitty, irrespective of what he’s done.

Geanna2 · 11/07/2021 09:27

@ItsVousNotMoi

How is it shitty to have him finish the kitchen, but not shitty to go to an exes' house while I'm at work?

Because not telling him because you want something out of him first us using him. So what if you'll have to pay someone else. At least your dignity remains intact.

Awomanwalksintoabar · 11/07/2021 09:30

Definitely have him finish the kitchen. And don’t feel bad about it for a second.

thisplaceisweird · 11/07/2021 09:35

Second all of the above posters along the lines of 'let him finish your kitchen, then say buh bye!'

It's not shitty at all!! Play stupid games get stupid prizes.

It's win win for you. You ditch the loser, and that fact he finished your kitchen for free will be enough to burn your bridges so you won't be sucked back in to seeing him again.

dryasaboner · 11/07/2021 09:38

Fuck dignity he's started a job he needs to finish and he deserves to be taken for a fool like he's doing to you

Notapheasantplucker · 11/07/2021 09:53

I'd be getting my kitchen done first. But I think it'd take all of my might not to twat him over the head say something before it's finished.

Original poster

ItsVousNotMoi · 11/07/2021 10:24

@dryasaboner

Fuck dignity he's started a job he needs to finish and he deserves to be taken for a fool like he's doing to you

Quite. I just don't trust him anymore. It seems like he spent time round there 3 times in the last two weeks while I was at work. Why should I feel guilty for the kitchen? I'm not sleeping with him anyway - sod that! He did turn me down recently and that got alarm bells ringing too

OP posts:

Original poster

ItsVousNotMoi · 11/07/2021 10:25

Believe me I am itching to say something.

OP posts:

MarianneUnfaithful · 11/07/2021 10:30

Yuk.

He’s having sex with his ‘ex’, lying to you, you are using him for free labour…

Be a grown up. If you need a new kitchen pay for it.

MarianneUnfaithful · 11/07/2021 10:31

I learned simple bricklaying when I dumped an ex mid-job. (Not structural or part of my actual house).

Feel empowered, not like a doormat / sex worker.

whichwayisup · 11/07/2021 10:33

Get him to finish the kitchen really quickly and then finish with him.

spotcheck · 11/07/2021 10:34

How long will it take to finish? If a month, then honestly- not worth dragging it out for

snowwhit3 · 11/07/2021 10:34

I've not read anyone saying you should feel guilty for letting him finish the kitchen?

I'd do that then dump him. And who cares how much time has passed since you found out about his ex? You don't even need to give him an explanation for ending it other than you're not feeling it anymore, the ex doesn't need to be mentioned.

In fact I'd probably tell him you can't stay in a relationship that's not satisfying guy sexually

snowwhit3 · 11/07/2021 10:35

@MarianneUnfaithful

I learned simple bricklaying when I dumped an ex mid-job. (Not structural or part of my actual house).

Feel empowered, not like a doormat / sex worker.

You don't need to sleep with him while he's finishing the kitchen. Nobody is suggesting that

Flip

1 2