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Original poster

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43 replies

19Bears · 09/07/2021 11:27

Very quick background, I want to separate from dh but can't bring myself to do it, staying for the kids, all the usual, no intimacy for 10 years etc etc. He is carrying on as if everything is fine.

I'm trying to find the one reason to say enough is enough, but it's always seemingly minor things that have built up over time to kill the love, not one big thing.

For a while now I've been looking at dh's search history, not snooping, his google is actually linked to my ds9's tablet and he's not aware that I can see everything he's searching for. This is usually when me and my son sit together and play a game together, do his home learning etc, so he can see it too when we open google.

The list is always like this - ebay
arsenal transfer news
nigel farage
gb news
my name twitter
demi rose
morrissey

All of which is questionable enough. Especially the spying on my twitter. I don't even mind the thing about Demi Rose as previously I had thought he could be gay, so maybe this means he does fancy women. Not me though, apparently. Anyway, the list now includes

     Demi Rose Onlyfans
     Onlyfans
     Only fans

I don't know a lot about Onlyfans, but I do know it's related to porn. Is this crossing the line now?? Bearing in mind it's not just on his phone, it's on our child's tablet. What if he clicked on it?

Is this my big thing??

OP posts:
WheresMySnackPack · 09/07/2021 11:30

Leave.

Only fans is basically porn.

Wasting time snooping is not worth you energy Thanks.

WildCherryBlossom · 09/07/2021 11:32

If you are really not happy then leave. I don't think the search history has much to do with it really.

Earlydancing · 09/07/2021 11:34

Er, you're spying on him but you object to him spying on you? 🤔

Earlydancing · 09/07/2021 11:34

Ebay and Arsenal transfer news is questionable?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 09/07/2021 11:36

I want to separate from dh but can't bring myself to do it

What will it take for you to do it?

Or are you categorically not going to? If that's the case, I'd end the link between his phone and your son's tablet.

Onlyfans is a subscription site... it allows "content creators" to charge either one-off or monthly fees for content that is otherwise not available. The vast majority of it is porn, but not all of it - and Demi Rose appears to have made subscribing to her OnlyFans free, so you can see her photos without paying. From her profile photo, I'd presume they are mostly nudes, but I'm not going to subscribe to find out! (RIP my search history anyway Grin)

To be honest, I think if you want to stay at any cost, you need to unlink the accounts and stop checking up on him, for your own sanity. Nothing will change.

If you're waiting for a kick to make the decision to end things, then that line is down to you. You don't need a big trigger event that would make everyone leave him for it to be reasonable. For what it's worth, I already would have.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/07/2021 11:56

Your relationship is clearly miserable enough that you want to leave and you haven’t had sex for a decade. Is it that surprising he’s looking at nude pics elsewhere for sexual kicks?

If there’s no prospect of repairing the relationship and you aren’t intending to leave anytime soon, I’d come to some sort of agreement between the two of you that you both know it’s over but don’t want to physically separate just yet, so just co-parent as two people who share a house, and stop going through his search history or caring who else he looks at.

Original poster
19Bears · 09/07/2021 12:05

Hi all, just to make it clear, I'm not actively looking through his search history, it's just there in front of my eyes when I open google. Also, I really don't mind at all if he's looking at porn, I'd far rather he looked at naked women than Nigel bleedin Farage who he is obsessed with. That would be more normal.The issue is that my son could click on it. The answer to this is to un-link the phone and the tablet, I'll have to work out how to do it.

I think what I'm getting at is this is something I could confront him with? Or is it nothing?

Clearly I have to end things for all the reasons, not just this.

OP posts:
Original poster
19Bears · 09/07/2021 12:09

I'm actually reassured that he's looking at women as I really thought he was gay or asexual. All he watches on a night is politics, politics, politics. I had been worried that I was going to abandon him to a life of loneliness, but if he does have sexual needs, I'd feel happier knowing he could go off and start again with someone who would fulfill his needs, as neither of us are remotely fulfilled together.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 09/07/2021 12:17

I would be dumping him for Nigel Farage and GB news, never mind only fans!! My H can somehow see all my Facebook responses to folks he is mutually friends with too and frequently comments in my responses- to be honest that gives me the creeps too— if anyone can tell me how to stop this in my settings please let me know

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/07/2021 12:18

Is it really a confrontation-worthy topic? Your relationship is over in all but name. You don’t have sex and presumably don’t want to. You aren’t happy. Those are the reasons to broach separation.

In practical terms for the tablet, just casually mention that you’ve noticed it’s linked to his phone because a website came up that neither of you would want your DC to see. He’ll know what you mean and can do the necessary unlinking.

Original poster
19Bears · 09/07/2021 12:21

@ComtesseDeSpair If I ask him to unlink them he'll do his confused face and moan for three hours and I'll have to do it because he's f'in useless.

Reason number 56

OP posts:
Original poster
19Bears · 09/07/2021 12:22

@Crikeyalmighty I'm with you on this. I've told him how I'm sick of this in my face every night, but does he try to tone it down and not annoy me? No is the answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
19Bears · 09/07/2021 12:28

@Crikeyalmighty And it's not just his right wing crap - he'll watch lefty stuff as well. Is he trying to show consideration to me by f'in balancing it out?????????!!! Confused
I sat upstairs with the kids last night rather than be entertained by Owen Jones and John McDonnell

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 09/07/2021 12:50

@19Bears. I feel your pain— I am quite political (and very much in the centre/centre left) as is H- but it feels like for 4 years it dominates totally —

Crikeyalmighty · 09/07/2021 12:51

@19Bears Oh and pretty sure Demi rose has fake boobs !!

Original poster
19Bears · 09/07/2021 12:58

@Crikeyalmighty definitely. 5 years of misery for me. He started it all off voting UKIP, then Brexit Party (there's a BP placard on top of the wardrobe in our bedroom ffs) and now he's full blown Tory. I really cannot reconcile my views with his, and he thinks I'm overreacting. I keep it to myself mostly as I don't want to argue. But I know this is exactly why he looks on my twitter to see if I have made any political comments...
As for fake boobs, he's welcome to them!! Mine might be 12 year old boy boobs, but they're 100% real [big grin]

OP posts:
Sampafie · 09/07/2021 13:08

So are Demis sorry to disappoint :(

Meowwoof771 · 09/07/2021 13:09

Check your banking for any onlyfans payments

TakeYourFinalPosition · 09/07/2021 13:10

I think what I'm getting at is this is something I could confront him with? Or is it nothing?

Again the answer to that is, why would you want to confront him?

It sounds like he’s a prick. There’s no way to dress that up and there’s no special way to approach him that will suddenly make him not a prick. So it depends if the confrontation will get you anywhere, or if it’ll be a fight and then nothing will happen.

Unlink his phone from your sons tablet.

Then work out what you want from your marriage. Honestly, I can’t imagine wanting to drag this out so it takes up more and more of your life. You could be happy.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/07/2021 13:26

Nope I couldn’t be having that unless I was of a similar mind set— it’s easy to say politics don’t matter but they do if they dominate and don’t remotely match your own view of the world. The only fans stuff— I’m personally not remotely ok with that either— free or not - I think you should have a really good think about whether you actually want to stay married or find someone whose views are a bit more compatible and who doesn’t give you the ick

LittleRa · 09/07/2021 13:46

You don’t need a “big reason”. You’re trying to make him the bad guy. Your relationship sounds stale and most probably over. Just rip of the plaster and end it, if that’s why you want. Resentment will build up inside you while waiting for a big reason.

MondayYogurt · 09/07/2021 14:00

At least Nigel Farage doesn't have an onlyfans.

baileys6904 · 09/07/2021 14:09

Only fans is NOT just porn.

But if you're that unhappy, stop looking for excuses and just bloody leave

RedBonnet · 09/07/2021 14:25

unlink by going to settings and turn off the 'sync' setting - usually the first one listed in settings

BrilliantBetty · 09/07/2021 14:38

Do you need more of a reason than that you don't enjoy being with him and have no sex life?

I think that is an extremely valid reason. Plus he's been looking at only fans porn.

Your reason is there. LTB.

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