Friends disappeared .. again.. do I?

[Windingroad21]

Long time poster who flounced and came back with a new username.. hello!

I’ve had a long term friend and really close confidant, let’s call her A. She has this habit of being really in and then really out of communication. I (stupidly) have not challenged this before, made excuses in my head that ‘it’s just the way she is’.

More recently, it’s really began to peeve me. A started a new business which on the face of it didn’t seem a great move (I work in this field and have a lot of experience). I supported A fully and her business partner ‘did a number’ on her (not sure if true with hindsight). Anyway, point is.. she stopped randomly replying to messages from me for the best part of two months. Then, all of a sudden, is back in touch when she needs help. Me being me, helped her massively with a series of complaints, tax issues and business law (when I myself have a lot on and not massive mental capacity to take on others issues, but figured she’s my friend).

Since then comms have been on and off. She’s been getting work done at home and I supported and helped her through this too, even helping with DIY myself.

Now, once more, she’s gone off the radar. This time it was mid conversation. Nothing at all to cause it and complete radio silence. I’m really pissed off. How should I approach this? DP says challenge her on it but I don’t see the point. I’m having MH issues myself and don’t want the conflict/ to be gaslit potentially to believe I’m somehow at fault (don’t believe I am).

This is enhanced probably as my other close friend, let’s call her S, has got a new job and has went from being unemployed to the chief of the world and lauded over everyone in her circle with self importance. Whilst I’m really pleased for her, she’s completely changed and not asked a single question about me in almost a year. I’ve got so fed up of it all that I want to just tell them all to get stuffed. Or go missing in action myself.

What would you do ?

Hold onto knowing that it actually happened, and that your own disbelief is a different thing.

youré getting cognitive dissonance particularly because the people you loved and trusted, your godparents, have essentially sided with your parents. They probably didn't want to believe what happened and have erased it from their realities. It's impossibly hard and lonely to realise that yes, you really are alone. So you can't bear it, and it feels like it didn't, couldn't have happened.

But you have the police card and the incident number and your memories. It really did happen. But the price of acknowledging the events is realising all over again that you have been let down and frankly, betrayed.

@Ijsbear just reading up on cognitive dissonance.. yes, that’s defo me.

@AtrociousCircumstance I’m so going to try. I hate how I keep getting dragged back in, and I take full responsibility for that. I feel I do things because I should, not because i want to. Not good boundaries.

You’re working on them OP. You woke up to your ‘friend’ for a start! The boundaries are emerging. Have faith in yourself.

It’s telling really. I also texted friend back rather sarcastically earlier (probably shouldn’t have). Saying what’s the big deal, you go MIA for ages, I don’t reply to you and you call my mother..

She didn’t reply. Didn’t want a reply to be clear. But I think that plays into the idea when she wasn’t getting what she wanted (brat) she unleashed the ultimate destruction on me by contacting my mother.

You see, if she really cared about me she surely would have been delighted to hear from me, and ask how I was, etc.

But no.

I’m also mortified I texted her. Knew better but did it anyway. Guess I had to know.

No it’s fine. You said what you truly felt. I would leave it now though if I were you.

Yes @AtrociousCircumstance I guess I wanted to fight back and let her know I’m no longer her servant, and the irony in her alleged care for me. I wanted to make her look in the mirror. Of course I know she won’t, and will be like my mum. Probably think I’m the one being disrespectful, too!

I bet she doesn’t even reply. Ever.

Her not replying is the best case scenario here OP - one less user/transgressor of boundaries to incorporate.

I would just say, from family experience of a narcissist, that you wont get any satisfaction from them realising the error of their ways. It doesn't happen and they don't change because they cant. Seriously all you can do is cease contact, stop trying to work out what goes on in their heads, and understand they are problems you cant solve. If you are able to leave them completely out of your life that is by far the healthiest option as ANY contact gives them ammunition and rekindles the agony. Several years down the line I see degrees of this behaviour at work and other places and while the surrounding drama can be a bit all consuming, and so much time is spent trying to make them understand reality or trying to understand their behaviour, ultimately its best to disengage as far as possible.

Sorry you’ve had experience of this too @PointersPlease. I do get that I’m never going to get the validation I seek from them as they’ll never accept any responsibility for their part.

I know I have to walk away. I’m so sad in coming to this conclusion, but in reality I’ve only delayed the inevitable by a few years. I’ve never felt the same about them since the incident a years back. More recently with their behaviour escalating, I’ve been able to see things a lot more clearly, it’s now just acceptance stage.

The worst part for me has been reliving everything through counselling; I’ve had horrendous night terrors, sweats, the works. Counsellor reckons I’ve delayed PTSD

God it’s hit me hard today, the reality of everything that’s happened. I only delayed the inevitable by not dealing with it before.

They truly are wicked.

Does your husband understand at all?

Yes, they are wicked.

be gentle on yourself winding. Can you see your counsellor soon? Really - be gentle on yourself. If you can, exercise and not too much booze.

He does but he’s autistic so sees things black and white and in this case, he’s right; I shouldn’t feel guilt, and I should walk away. For good.

I have had codependency tendencies and find the guilt really hard, fear if someone died etc.

Saw counsellor yesterday, she fully understands situation but I guess I’m looking for answers that don’t exist. Slept for three hours last night and feel truly shit.

winding I think people who grow up in similar environments to you can relate. You grow up with a family that treats your poorly/abuses you and you think it's normal for other people to treat you poorly, too. So you end up choosing friends that aren't great.

You picked friends that treated you the same as what you knew as 'normal', to be shoved aside and treated as unimportant. To be neglected basically. Now you have finally woken up to realize you have value and deserve better.

It's really hard to go through this realization as it changes your whole way of seeing the world. It's so difficult in this society where people spout on and on about their wonderful loving families and not everyone has one.

I think time will heal you once you get used to not including people who don't actually care about you in your life.

@Hesontous thank you for your message. You put it so eloquently, and I really relate to what you’ve said about everyone else’s family’s. Of course I know no family is perfect, but I’m so conflicted by why I don’t have these feelings for my family. I think all I’ve done to date is out of a sense of ‘duty’.

I’m cringing today reading my mum’s text where she calls herself ‘mother’ etc, like it’s got some elevated status to treat your kids however you like but when the tables are turned.. oh she doesn’t like losing control.

As for the friend.. I thought she knew better than to contact my mother. I also don’t get why she made such a fuss when I did t reply for far less times than she’s been away for.

I think I’ve given everyone a taste of how they’ve treated me and they freaked. Of course, they won’t see it that way! I will be the bad person for daring to treat as I’ve been treated.

I do know otherwise, and I am going to make a better life for it, it’s just really bloody hard right now. Very grateful for OH and his support but I feel so isolated and it’s him and I against the world. I never thought I’d voluntarily be this way, but it’s better to have less when the alternative is like that lot.

What you are doing is very difficult. Most people go along with things to keep things easy for themselves I find.
I grew up in a 'crazy' house with violence and neglect. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD by two different professionals after several nervous breakdowns in my 30's. I am NC with my family for the most part of the past 20 years.
I found that I am the black sheep of the family and that my relatives still stay in contact with my parents despite knowing what went on because it is less challenging than acknowledging the truth of what went on.
I am trying to instill a rule in my DC's that true friends want only good things for you (as you would for them).

You need to have boundaries and sometimes it's very difficult building them.

@Hesontous my mother’s favourite saying was ‘keep the peace’.. seems ironic given she herself failed by virtue of her shitty actions. A lot of people treated her poorly (although questioning her version of events now..) and she slagged them off to kingdom come.. next min? Best friends! I said to her what on earth on several occasions. Her reply? ‘Keep the peace’!

I’m really sorry for your childhood and your PTSD/ breakdowns. Do you have any inclination as to why it all hit you in your 30s? I can’t quite understand why it’s happening to me right now, when these have been omnipresent for years.

I completely relate to the bit about relatives. They know full well what happened, they just fail to acknowledge it; and in their warped minds, that means to them it didn’t happen.

Boundaries are something I think I’m always going to struggle with as I am so susceptible to being wheeled back in. Before I was with OH I’m sure I did just have ‘family’, as I truly had no one else (so I thought). My mother would always remind me of things like how evil people were, how untrustworthy.. how she was the only one to be trusted etc.

Now I have OH I can certainly release most of that fear, but I also have the reminder through him that this is the right thing.

Why is it hitting you now instead of earlier? I think we all have a limit somewhere? Myself, I married what I knew, which did not end well and contributed to my eventual breakdowns. Eventually my psyche couldn't take it anymore and I 'broke'. You probably hit your own personal limit which was stretched and stretched and stretched.

I find the older generations sometimes consider keeping the peace more important to holding people accountable.

I haven't tried dating/looking for a relationship because I personally struggle with standing up to males. I don't have proper boundaries. Even with my XH coming to see our DCs I shrink into myself.

Boundaries are very hard to make if you didn't grow up being taught how to have them.

I am glad your OH is supporting you and will help you keep your self respect.

@Hesontous sorry to read of this, but it sounds like you’re well out of it. Can’t have been easy to leave that, but your self respect managed.

I’ve been majorly disrespected at work and I guess that’s probably brought out the fight in me, and triggered many things now I think of it.

You’re so right about the older generations and tolerance. Accountability is not a concept that comes easy!

I hope things get easier with XH and as time passes, you feel less and less like you need to retreat. I totally understand the need to retreat, that’s what I’m doing now I’m so many areas of my life.

Here’s to us eh?

Thanks winding

For me now, I just say 'it is what it is'. I can't change the past.
New friends and acquaintances can help fill the social gap when you feel strong enough to move on.

Also, sorry was not trying to take over your thread. Just felt I can relate.

I think you will feel much better given some time and quiet.

@Hesontous it’s a good way of putting it, I just need to get to my acceptance of it. I Joe it will come in time.

You didn’t take over at all, it’s really kind to share what must be difficult memories to help someone else out.

Hi @Windingroad21

I haven’t read the whole thread as I’m in a rush but I simply had to respond as I was in a situation so very similar to yours. I had a friend who was lovely (I wouldn’t have been friends with her if she wasn’t nice) but her contact was on & off & things always seemed on her terms. One day she cut me off in text mid conversation and I was hurt for some very specific reasons about that day. Anyhow I tried to create distance but she sniffed it out, called me on it, probed me on it and I let it all out! It was not my finest moment and even though I apologised profusely for essentially giving it to her (I wasn’t shouting but I was visibly irate) we have not spoken since.

What did I learn?

1. No point in what I did. No-one wants to hear their flaws no matter how much their flaws hurt others.
2. I think of her A LOT but I felt relief at the loss of the friendship. If she could so readily let me go, I guess I learned all I needed to know. She had told me I was like a sister but it was clearly all lies.

Anyway, point is.. she stopped randomly replying to messages from me for the best part of two months. Then, all of a sudden, is back in touch when she needs help

I can relate to that.

And

DP says challenge her on it but I don’t see the point. I’m having MH issues myself and don’t want the conflict/ to be gaslit potentially to believe I’m somehow at fault (don’t believe I am)
I agree with you based on what I did. Don’t bother challenging her on it.

Best of luck finding new friends & it’s great you have a DP!

@Perriwinkles thank you for taking the time to post that. Sorry you had that with your friend too. I so relate to the bit: ‘things were on her terms’. My ‘friend’ regularly just stopped replying mid convo. Always avoided any explanation and would simply say ‘I was in the country for 2 weeks’. I suspect it was all shite; she always tried to allude to having a more elevated status than she did. She would never say who with or what she was doing.. she couldn’t even specify where in the ‘country’. She also couldn’t drive, so it seems unlikely.

I’m nodding my head at the bit where you say you tried to create distance and her sniffing it out. Like my ‘friend’ it’s being made out to be a ‘how dare you’ situation aimed at me.

I have no energy to challenge her on it anyway. Sadly I think she’s become jealous of me since I met OH. She has all the money in the world and whilst I certainly don’t, I have been sensible, careful and made a good life for myself with a decent salary and savings. I think she liked the one upmanship the money gave her. She’s always made out to have this glamorous life, but it’s shroud in secrecy.. to the point I’m doubting it’s authenticity. She is single.

Since I met OH some years back I’ve got the impression she’s tried to put him/ us down. That she’s resentful of what we have/ our future plans. I was alone for many years and it was really hard. My family are shit and I had no support - emotionally or financially (her family constantly handed her £). I met OH after years of building myself up and struggling with loneliness and dating, so I do understand what it’s like. I don’t try to be something I’m not.

This seems to have given me the clarity to tear holes in her liesstories …

@Windingroad21
It sounds like you have such clarity on the friendship. It’s so hurtful to be treated badly. Yeah it’s interesting how your friend and mine react so differently when the shoe is on the other foot. My friend used to give out to me about others not replying to texts or she would analyse the minutiae of others’ texts to me while doing the same thing to me. She had many wonderful traits but all in all, our friendship turned sour & it was better that it dissolved. I wish her well and I wish it hadn’t played out as it did. Best to just let A slowly fade away.

@Perriwinkles trying to anyway, thanks! I guess I always knew this was the way she was, I just didn’t want to confront it. Like your old friend, I did really enjoy spending time with her and being her friend but more and more I was realising it was self serving for her. Messages like ‘I’ve got my vaccination appointment, you’ll have to drive me’ (she didn’t drive). It was the tone, the manner, the assumption. I’ve no issue with taking anyone to their appointment , especially when it’s so important.. but wouldn’t it be courtesy to be asked if I could manage/ minded?

I think between everything that’s being going on in my life I’ve just flipped and started looking after my needs more. My DP has been really useful as he sees things so black and white he doesn’t allow me to make excuses for other people’s poor behaviour!

I just feel a mug for letting it go on for so long..