Friends disappeared .. again.. do I?

[Windingroad21]

Long time poster who flounced and came back with a new username.. hello!

I’ve had a long term friend and really close confidant, let’s call her A. She has this habit of being really in and then really out of communication. I (stupidly) have not challenged this before, made excuses in my head that ‘it’s just the way she is’.

More recently, it’s really began to peeve me. A started a new business which on the face of it didn’t seem a great move (I work in this field and have a lot of experience). I supported A fully and her business partner ‘did a number’ on her (not sure if true with hindsight). Anyway, point is.. she stopped randomly replying to messages from me for the best part of two months. Then, all of a sudden, is back in touch when she needs help. Me being me, helped her massively with a series of complaints, tax issues and business law (when I myself have a lot on and not massive mental capacity to take on others issues, but figured she’s my friend).

Since then comms have been on and off. She’s been getting work done at home and I supported and helped her through this too, even helping with DIY myself.

Now, once more, she’s gone off the radar. This time it was mid conversation. Nothing at all to cause it and complete radio silence. I’m really pissed off. How should I approach this? DP says challenge her on it but I don’t see the point. I’m having MH issues myself and don’t want the conflict/ to be gaslit potentially to believe I’m somehow at fault (don’t believe I am).

This is enhanced probably as my other close friend, let’s call her S, has got a new job and has went from being unemployed to the chief of the world and lauded over everyone in her circle with self importance. Whilst I’m really pleased for her, she’s completely changed and not asked a single question about me in almost a year. I’ve got so fed up of it all that I want to just tell them all to get stuffed. Or go missing in action myself.

What would you do ?

Oh well done. Good for you.

And can I just say I love a flouncer, so please feel free to flounce again!

After dealing with an alcoholic brother for many years that ended with me requiring counselling, it was pointed out to me that I am an 'enabler' always the one on hand to help and advise others but then finding that it was never reciprocated! It took some counselling and four years to really 'find who I was' but I no longer 'enable' anymore! Stick to your guns, and just be 'you'. Good luck to you!

And to add to all of this, she is now phoning. Incredible, isn’t it? She does regular and often disappearing acts, ‘announces’ when she’s to return.. texts basically on cue and when I’ve the audacity to treat her the way she has me, in come the panicked phone calls I.e. I need my DIY done now, bitch.

Me: ignore. Go to hell.

@Bagpuss1200 well done on the counselling. I am such an enabler… hoping to change that to was!

And now it’s the concerned text messages. Uh-huh. Writing here as I don’t really have another outlet

You are doing so well ignoring her. I had a friend like this and cut contact as I was so fed up of being used x

Just jumping in to say so impressed! It's not easy to stop people-pleasing but it's simple... And you're doing a great job!

Definitely spend this energy you save on finding better friends (I know that's basically impossible with the pandemic, but when things get better).

You could be direct - message ‘I’m fine, just too tired to keep dealing with people who drop in and out of my life when they want my help. You will have to find someone else to finish the , I’m not available.’

Some people are users. I don't even think they realise it sometimes. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of

I think I’m done with even the need to reply… why should I dignify her with a response because it suits her? She texted me at 2-am… seriously ?!

If I send anything back it will only be turned to her advantage and how I made her so ’worried’ by not replying. It’s almost like my narcissistic mother who when she loses control (I.e. me not meeting her agenda) she loses it and starts lashing out. That’s more than likely what would happen.

Was friend worried when she didn’t hear from me for a month when she decided not to reply? Was she fuck!

Id say block her. That's the next step if you are serious about boundaries.

I agree… I’m now getting almost threatening messages warning me that she’s not heard from me and going to call me.

If I didn’t know better, I’d say she thinks she owns me and that I’m some kind of lost possession that needs to be put into check.

Soooo good for you

I’m having daily calls now. It’s ridiculous. I’m sure I’m being made out to be the ‘bad guy’; yet, friend regularly and often disappeared from communication for up to a month at a time, and would just stop replying.

I never resorted to the phone calls and chasing though. Why do you think she has? Wonder if the penny has dropped.

I doubt the penny has dropped, people like her very rarely empathise and wonder 'why' it's usually all about them.

I know it's a bit late now, and I know she ghosts you whenever she feels like it, but I'd be tempted to drop a quick text to stop her pestering you (she may genuinely think something has happened to you) just a text to say 'I'm fine, please leave me alone' you don't have to go into detail if you don't want to. You could call her out for your own peace of mind 'I've realised you only speak to me when you want something, please leave me alone' then block. You're right tho, what ever happens you'll be painted as the bad guy.

Do you think she might turn up at your door? Are you prepared for that, just in case?
Well done though. You don’t need people like that in your life, just messing you around and using you.

@bigbaggyeyes I’m just so annoyed about her dropping off when she feels like it. I know I’m being petty, but I’m leaving the exact amount of time she drops off until replying (if I can even be bothered). As we’ve established, what’s good for the goose is certainly not good for the gander.

I do agree that I’ll be called the ‘selfish’ one for ignoring her, despite the fact she has done it repeatedly over the years!!

@LighthouseBrighthouse if she did show up she would have no way of knowing I’m in or not. Car in locked garage and I’ve a video calling system.. so I can see her before she can see me, lol.

Omg. ‘Friend’ has called my mother. Mother in looses form- she’s a narcissist whom I barely speak to.

Of course I didn’t answer any of my mother’s 15 calls. Or her 8 messages pretending concern (she will love the drama and that she has a way in). Who do these people think they are? Do they think they own me?

I’ve no intention of replying to either, I’m so angry I’m actually shaking. Also concerned ‘friend’ has told my mum personal stuff about me I’ve shared recently.

Can anyone offer any words before I crack and send them both furious messages 😂

Imagine yourself on a desert island and they are seagulls cawing.

After all, seagulls shit all over and only care about themselves.

The problem here is that her servant (you) isn't performing. It's not acceptable, you know.

The problem here is that her servant (you) isn't performing. It's not acceptable, you know.

This is better than I could have put it.

@ljsbear what an incredible way of putting it.

Continue to ignore them both? Actually had to delete what’s app earlier as I felt so harassed by it. I’m concerned they’ll call Police next? As usual, the narrative will be spinner to become my problem.

the problem is now that the police will likely be called. Police are busy enough without having to do welfare checks on folks that cant be arsed telling CF mates their not happy with them. If it was me I would send her a message telling her that she clearly doesnt like the taste of her own medicine and perhaps she needs to take time to reflect. Leave it at that

At this point if you are worried they will call the police, then I'd send a text saying that you're busy, you're well and you'll be in contact when you're free. You've always had the relaxed sort of friendship where you can leave it quite a while between contact, and she really doesn't need to worry about you, see her when you're both free! :)

If you want to get a little jab in there, you could say "you've always had the sort of friendship where you can leave it quite a while between conact, neither of you've had to worry about immediately replying to the other, and she really doesn't need to worry about you!