Friends disappeared .. again.. do I?

[Windingroad21]

Long time poster who flounced and came back with a new username.. hello!

I’ve had a long term friend and really close confidant, let’s call her A. She has this habit of being really in and then really out of communication. I (stupidly) have not challenged this before, made excuses in my head that ‘it’s just the way she is’.

More recently, it’s really began to peeve me. A started a new business which on the face of it didn’t seem a great move (I work in this field and have a lot of experience). I supported A fully and her business partner ‘did a number’ on her (not sure if true with hindsight). Anyway, point is.. she stopped randomly replying to messages from me for the best part of two months. Then, all of a sudden, is back in touch when she needs help. Me being me, helped her massively with a series of complaints, tax issues and business law (when I myself have a lot on and not massive mental capacity to take on others issues, but figured she’s my friend).

Since then comms have been on and off. She’s been getting work done at home and I supported and helped her through this too, even helping with DIY myself.

Now, once more, she’s gone off the radar. This time it was mid conversation. Nothing at all to cause it and complete radio silence. I’m really pissed off. How should I approach this? DP says challenge her on it but I don’t see the point. I’m having MH issues myself and don’t want the conflict/ to be gaslit potentially to believe I’m somehow at fault (don’t believe I am).

This is enhanced probably as my other close friend, let’s call her S, has got a new job and has went from being unemployed to the chief of the world and lauded over everyone in her circle with self importance. Whilst I’m really pleased for her, she’s completely changed and not asked a single question about me in almost a year. I’ve got so fed up of it all that I want to just tell them all to get stuffed. Or go missing in action myself.

What would you do ?

But yourself this book
Attached screenshot

Make some new friends, so that if a friendship cools, it's only a small percentage of your social network that suffers, rather than a large part of it. People come and go. People change.

I've learnt this the hard way. It is good advice. I am turning to interest groups as a way forward when lockdown lifts to try to expand my social network (which is relatively small at present). I became dependent on one friend who then began to fade, it doesn't feel good to be in this position.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants her blowing up is exactly what I anticipate to happen.

@FantasticButtocks thanks for the recommendation- will check that out.

@Daphnesmate07 that’s exactly how I feel. I hope this helps you and will be trying it too!

A is just using you, I'm afraid. S would piss me off so much I wouldn't care about meeting up with her.

As far as the work you've done for A is concerned, as long as she can live with it in that state and it's not dangerous, then I think sod her, let her sort it out. I would tell her that she's just using you and you don't want anything more to do with her, but I'd wait until she made contact first.

Defo not dangerous work needing done, just fairly intricate and with the tools I have. You’re right though- she can get stuffed

So ‘A’ has texted again- bolt out of the blue to advise me of when she is to be available.

Obviously I’ve ignored it and will continue to do so.. but what a fool I feel. This isn’t a one off.

Still feeling very isolated and worried about the future. I feel DP is the only one I can talk to at present and I don’t think we are getting on great right now. I feel like every day I cry and I have no release

Let A go and give yourself time to grieve the 'friendship'. It's something you need to work through and get your head around. You may find that letting it go means that you have more positive energy for your relationship with your DP.

Don't respond, let her go. Re the DIY she can pay to get it finished like everyone else.

You need new friends op.

OP, in the nicest possible way because you sound frazzled and upset I think you need to take a bit of responsibility for having (at least) two exploitative friendships, and for participating in a dynamic where you are trotting around doing things for two people you seem to neither like nor respect.

This is a pattern with people-pleasers, because it's easy to see yourself as lovely and put-upon and the 'friends' as exploitative and selfish. But that won't change anything, and the truth is that you actively chose to continue to engage in these 'friendships' in which you have positioned yourself as the unpaid tax law adviser, PA, DIY person, listener and general support staff.

Me being me, helped her massively with a series of complaints, tax issues and business law

Think about what you are saying here when you say 'Me being me' -- are you actually saying 'I am so bereft of boundaries and self-respect that I'm actually prepared to trade essentially being an unpaid staff member for a 'friendship' that consists of her getting in touch when she needs me, and where I am essentially invisible unless required?'

The only thing you can change here is your behaviour and mindset.

Thank you for your replies. Defo will be letting this ‘friend’ go. @ParsleyDill has really hit the nail on the head; I am a people pleaser. I hadn’t realised just how much until recently..

When DP had family over I would automatically offer lunch / dinner / some spread. I thought that’s just hospitable, it’s what you do. Until one day many months down the line I realised I never received any invitations back. With this, I stopped. DP fully supportive and says I need to step back.

I do feel like bloody staff. Believe me, I am looking to change my mindset and behaviour as I recognise I’ve almost certainly facilitated this type of behaviour by having poor boundaries and failing to say no.

I don’t want to be the person who only does for those when she gets in return or gratitudes etc, but I can see myself fast becoming this way.

ParsleyDill said very well what I was just about to say. Work on yourself and value yourself and I suspect you will actually find other people begin to value you more too. I think you sound like a really nice person!

Thank you @WorkingItOutAsIGo, I really needed to hear some kind words today, I really appreciate that

I saw your subsequent note about not getting on too well with DP right now. That matters much more. Because your DP sounds good and as though they have your back. Stop worrying about what you can’t fix right now as in friendships, because there is a shocking great pandemic. They can be a focus for the future.

For now, focus on liking and appreciating and valuing yourself - and have some fun either alone or with DP.

Don’t blow A up, just say sorry bit tied up right now, will get back to you when I am free. Then you won’t need to worry about that or talk about it as you have safely parked it.

It’s true that the pandemic has definitely changed things friendship wise, but if I’m honest, this has always been a ‘thing’ with this friend. I made excuses before and didn’t want to ‘challenge’ it as I guess I was afraid of some kind of disproportionate blow up from them.

A PP did actually mention that being a likely outcome too.

Perhaps a bit cowardly, but I’ve not even opened the message from A and have no intention of. I’m angry at her and don’t really feel she deserves the dignity of a response given how she’s treated me on several occasions. I feel I need to hold onto my anger as it at least gives me self respect. Normally I’d have relented and made excuses, but I’m so over it now !

Why have you really not opened it, @Windingroad21? Are you afraid she is angry and that because you’re so used to behaving as though everyone else’s emotions are more important and real than yours, her anger is going to make you feel small and guilty and as though you have no right to your feelings?

I’ve not opened it @ParsleyDill as she didn’t open mine for weeks and sometimes it’s months. Petty, I know.

I’m not even interested or afraid of a confrontation, I’m simply done with the lack of respect and disappearing acts.

It’s not petty, it’s a good sign! Good luck with it all, OP. Chronic people-pleasing can be recovered from, with work.

Me being me, helped her massively with a series of complaints, tax issues and business law (when I myself have a lot on and not massive mental capacity to take on others issues, but figured she’s my friend).

Please don't do this again. If your friendship is contingent on you dropping everything to help her with work, that's no friendship. Say no next time. See how much of a pal she is then.

Quelle surprise, she now needs my help and is frantically texting to see if I’m ‘ok’. Yeah right, this is about using my skills not about whether I’m ok.

So angry I haven’t seen it before now!

Ha! Well, now’s a great time to give an anodyne reply about how you’re coping with this weather and then “Sorry, just got to much on at the mo, can’t help. Speak soon x”.

I’ve just ignored completely. After her regular disappearing acts I no longer feel I need to merit it with a response!

Good on you.

If she usually communicates by text, I suggest you rename her in your contacts to reinforce your determination to change your people-pleasing ways.
Seeing a text from "Self-centred bitch ex-friend" would jolt you not to be so nice and accommodating!

Surprise surprise, she wants something. Well done for ignoring

Well done op. Feels good to take back control and not please this so called friend.