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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to tell your husband that he is terrible in bed?

85 replies

changesoul · 07/07/2021 06:42

My husband is terrible in bed how do I deal with that ? He does not even know how to kiss properly. It's been like this since we got marriage it was arrange marriage so we never dated before marriage. When we got marriage after 2-3 years I did try to tell him couple of times but he told me we should not talk about sex & he just exit which is not normal according to me.

He is good man with good heart. He cares for me a lot. He is controlling but manageable what should I do ? Is being bad in sex good reason for divorce or shall I be okey.

We don't have kids yet don't know really what to do if anyone can shade some light. I'm making mistake thinking of leaving him? Or I should not consider this as huge things and just not think about it ?

OP posts:
starsinyourpies · 07/07/2021 06:48

If he cared for you a lot he would care that you are happy in bed.

Wolfiefan · 07/07/2021 06:51

Controlling? Don’t have kids with him. You shouldn’t have to “manage” his behaviour. Frankly I wouldn’t stay.

JadedStrumpet · 07/07/2021 06:55

He's bad in bed and controlling.

You don't have to live like this.

SquashMinusIsShit · 07/07/2021 06:56

Get out now if you can, if he doesn't cAre enough to talk to you about sex he isn't ever going to improve. Plus being controlling, it's just not worth it.

girlmom21 · 07/07/2021 07:02

Im not normally one to say LTB, especially on the basis of sex, but "Controlling but manageable" is a good enough reason to leave. Then tell him on your way out that he's shit in bed too.

Don't have kids with him.

joystir59 · 07/07/2021 07:04

I agree with what everyone has already said. You didn't choose him, he's controlling, shit in bed and will not talk about it. Don't have his children. Leave

category12 · 07/07/2021 07:11

God, don't have kids with him.

What is manageable now, will not be when you're vulnerable and exhausted from having a baby/small children. Abuse often ramps up on the arrival of children, when they're confident you're trapped and your energies can no longer be spent on maintaining boundaries.

I think you should leave him, not get more deeply entwined.

Hesfamousforit · 07/07/2021 07:17

How about one night you take the lead with sex and tell him exactly what you want him to do.
I usually find sex improves as the relationship goes on.....
But if it really is not working after trying to talk and make it work then yes it is a good enough reason to leave.

WildfirePonie · 07/07/2021 07:33

Are you allowed to divorce from an arranged marriage?

CowsEatingAtNight · 07/07/2021 07:35

@WildfirePonie

Are you allowed to divorce from an arranged marriage?
Hmm
AliceLivesHere · 07/07/2021 07:42

If you are controlled enough by family to allow an arranged marriage then would you be controlled into staying in the marriage for family pride or whatever.

Sit down and tell him how you feel. If you feel strongly enough and he doesn't listen then plan to leave.

Do not have children until these issues are sorted

category12 · 07/07/2021 07:48

Having an arranged marriage doesn't automatically mean op is controlled by her family, she may have actively chosen that route. Hmm

Itsbeenalongwhile · 07/07/2021 07:54

OP, I have been there. Being told not to talk about sex or tell him what I liked. He was also controlling but manageable to start with. Years down the line, not only was I not allowed to talk about sex, I was not allowed to talk about anything. I was just to obey. And sex got withdrawn to punish me for not being submissive enough. I was pregnant by then, with the arrival of our child, his controlling behaviour was no longer manageable. And it continued to get worse. I am a professional with a good job, I gave it up to prove I am a good submissive wife. I didn't miss the sex, it was terrible and apparently I was never submissive enough, so I was never forgiven. When my DC was 8 yrs old and I got rescued by calling the police, I hadn't had sex for 9 years.
Leave him. It is only going to get worse.

Original poster
changesoul · 07/07/2021 08:23

@JadedStrumpet

He's bad in bed and controlling.

You don't have to live like this.

He is bad. He does not know how to foreplay or even to kiss .. I try to spoke to him on many occasions but he simply says sex is not something to talk about.

When I say controlling means he likes to tell me what to do.. he don't like when I go out with my work colleagues & when I do he makes me feel guilty. He wants me to be friends with his friends wife's only, when we got married I never wanted to change my madien name but he got it changed. He wants me to cook like his mom where she gets all the time to make dishes coz she stays home and I work full time when I get home I get tired & I only be able to cook 1 dish or 2 .

He has never hit me or try to use abusive language he is v caring but I'm not sure, he earns good & have v good salary.

OP posts:
category12 · 07/07/2021 08:29

It doesn't have to get to hitting before it's abusive.

And by manageable, you actually mean tolerable, because you're not managing him, you're losing ground to him all the time. You've lost your name, you're losing your social circle. Having kids with him will ramp this up and you'll be further and further controlled.

Life and marriage isn't supposed to be like this.

Bagelsandbrie · 07/07/2021 08:30

Well he’s not caring - he’s a controlling bully who’s shit in bed. You don’t have to stay with him.

TooManyAnimals94 · 07/07/2021 08:31

Not sure I'd want to have sex with someone who expected me to be a carbon copy of his mother and chose my friends for me.

Sorry you're going through this OP but if you read back through your posts you'll probably see sex is the least of your worries with this man.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 07/07/2021 08:35

This isn't what marriage looks like, this is what an abusive relationship looks like.

He is not meeting your needs, he is shutting you down, controlling you belittling you, expecting you to be his servant/chef. That is in no way what married life should be like.

Please leave him and DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM. His controlling ways will only get worse and leaving will become harder.

TheLeadbetterLife · 07/07/2021 08:38

If he wants mothering he can move back in with the one he already has. He doesn’t need two.

I agree with the pp, leave before you get pregnant. This man does not care for you or regard you as a human in your own right. That’s why it doesn’t matter to him whether you enjoy sex - it doesn’t even occur to him that sex is for anyone but him.

Him having a good income doesn’t make up for him treating you like a substitute mother and trying to take your friends and independence away from you. If you have children with him you will be trapped in this misery.

Jobsharenightmare · 07/07/2021 08:54

I'm from a culture where AM is common OP. Leaving an arranged marriage may have huge consequences for you I get that OP. Help is available through culture based charities and your local women's aid will be able to advise.

In the meantime if you want your marriage to improve I would suggest you think about how open to change he is generally? What role models does he have for relationships? Who influences him most? Who will he go to, if anyone, to talk about your behaviour (how you are as a wife) and what will they say?

Some of this will tell you how much potential there is for him to even want to become a better husband.

BiBabbles · 07/07/2021 08:57

A married couple (or any other couple in a committed relationship) should be able to talk about anything.

Having married as a teenager to someone who had no other sexual partners, yeah, there were some things my spouse and I had to learn and have improved in that area over the years -- but none of that would have worked if we couldn't talk about it. It takes communication and experimentation to improve things, including in bed. He has to be open to that, not control what can be done and said.

Guilt tripping you for having a social life is not acceptable. Guilting you for not being his mother is not acceptable. Most likely, this will get worse if you get pregnant.

sansucre · 07/07/2021 08:58

The fact he earns a good salary is not reason enough to justify his behaviour. He is trying to dictate who you are friends with and what you cook. These are red flags. And then there is his stonewalling you about sex.

You deserve a sexually satisfying marriage to a man who cares about your needs. He is not interested in your sexual needs. This will not change. This would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me and I would leave. Actually, I would run. He is clearly showing you know he is and that is not a good or considerate human being.

Sleeplessem · 07/07/2021 09:11

@AliceLivesHere

If you are controlled enough by family to allow an arranged marriage then would you be controlled into staying in the marriage for family pride or whatever.

Sit down and tell him how you feel. If you feel strongly enough and he doesn't listen then plan to leave.

Do not have children until these issues are sorted

Sorry but what an incredibly narrow minded thing to say about arranges marriage. Please educate yourself on arranged marriage before commenting. OP did not say forced marriage.
Sleeplessem · 07/07/2021 09:16

@changesoul

My husband is terrible in bed how do I deal with that ? He does not even know how to kiss properly. It's been like this since we got marriage it was arrange marriage so we never dated before marriage. When we got marriage after 2-3 years I did try to tell him couple of times but he told me we should not talk about sex & he just exit which is not normal according to me.

He is good man with good heart. He cares for me a lot. He is controlling but manageable what should I do ? Is being bad in sex good reason for divorce or shall I be okey.

We don't have kids yet don't know really what to do if anyone can shade some light. I'm making mistake thinking of leaving him? Or I should not consider this as huge things and just not think about it ?

What culture are you from OP? I’m married to a Pakistani man and although he’s not like your husband re dictating friends and wanting cooking, this attitude is very common place. A have a few friends married to Arab men who act similarly to how you described DH. (Not saying all of arab or south asian men but it is more culturally prevalent)

I would say pause the thought of having children for now, get them foundations fixed. Controlling behaviour isn’t acceptable but a sex life can be worked on.

Original poster
changesoul · 07/07/2021 09:38

@changesoul

My husband is terrible in bed how do I deal with that ? He does not even know how to kiss properly. It's been like this since we got marriage it was arrange marriage so we never dated before marriage. When we got marriage after 2-3 years I did try to tell him couple of times but he told me we should not talk about sex & he just exit which is not normal according to me.

He is good man with good heart. He cares for me a lot. He is controlling but manageable what should I do ? Is being bad in sex good reason for divorce or shall I be okey.

We don't have kids yet don't know really what to do if anyone can shade some light. I'm making mistake thinking of leaving him? Or I should not consider this as huge things and just not think about it ?

@Sleeplessem He is Indian we r from India... it's v common in Asian culture to have arrange marriage you must know.

I don't know what else to say

OP posts: