How to tell your husband that he is terrible in bed?

[changesoul]

My husband is terrible in bed how do I deal with that ? He does not even know how to kiss properly. It's been like this since we got marriage it was arrange marriage so we never dated before marriage. When we got marriage after 2-3 years I did try to tell him couple of times but he told me we should not talk about sex & he just exit which is not normal according to me.

He is good man with good heart. He cares for me a lot. He is controlling but manageable what should I do ? Is being bad in sex good reason for divorce or shall I be okey.

We don't have kids yet don't know really what to do if anyone can shade some light. I'm making mistake thinking of leaving him? Or I should not consider this as huge things and just not think about it ?

Controlling, bad at sex...the best you can say about him is that he doesn't hit you and earns good money.

Leave him op and don't have kids with him.

Can you not even discuss anything at all about a sex life, as you are his wife. I am assuming that he knows what a sex life is between a man and a woman..Does he not ever respond to you if you sleep with him..

But it's no way to live, if you feel trapped and controlled in your marriage, as you will be unhappy forever, if things carry on as they are.

@changesoul if you where to leave him, do you have anywhere to go?
You mentioned he on good salary. That's not vital. You work full time, you have your own money and can support yourself.
Did you migrate from another country. If not what have you done to your own friends. If he is choosing who your friends are now?
If he loved you, he would know you're tired and can't cook up several side dishes with your meal every night like his mum.
It must be due to culture he chooses to not talk about sex.
He has a backward mentality. I honestly feel very sorry for you. You need to take control, love yourself and do what is right for your mental well-being.
You're his wife. Just how you listen to his needs. He needs to listen to your needs.
He doesn't want to talk about sex. As it effects his masculinity. He a selfish man.
If your family arranged your marriage, I'd involve the family and tell them what's going on. So that they can help you and him.

@changesoul it's hard for you due to your culture. Your mum comes from a generation where they tolerated a lot. She expects you to do the same.
Times have now changed. Women are strong and independent.
Don't let family emotionally blackmail you.

Being with this man has got you depressed. There is nothing more valuable and important then your mental health. There is nothing wrong with you. What you want from him is all normal.

*@category12
It doesn't have to get to hitting before it's abusive.

And by manageable, you actually mean tolerable, because you're not managing him, you're losing ground to him all the time. You've lost your name, you're losing your social circle. Having kids with him will ramp this up and you'll be further and further controlled.

Life and marriage isn't supposed to be like this.

👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾 This.

OP, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I am from a similar culture where arranged marriages occur. I understand the family pressure.

You say this has been a few years and you expected your feelings to change but they haven't. If it has been some years now, then he is not going to change especially if he is very cultured as you say. People he will go to for advice most likely will have the same mentality.
You say it has been a few years,... you definitely don't have children with him?

If you don't have DC with him, then I will leave him now before it gets worse..
And if you do have children, I will leave him now before your mental health is so badly affected and you can't be a good enough mother to your DC.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

OP has copied and pasted "her" last three responses. We may be talking to a bot.

I agree. Re: bot.

Being crap in bed doesn't make someone a bad person. It's often overlooked that sheer will is not all that's required to satisfy someone of the opposite sex, when you don't share their biology and maybe (in your husband's case?) were never taught much about it.

But unwillingness to talk about things that cause insurmountable problems is pretty much death to a marriage. I would be continuing to try and start conversations about it, but more along the lines of "if we can't talk about and resolve this, it's over".

I imagine there might be huge pride issues involved on his side. His sense of masculinity will be offended by hearing that he can't satisfy his wife, and he may react angrily. Not sure how you deal with that.

You keep saying how your mother points out what a good earner he is. Is this something YOU'RE concerned about? Or is it just a family pride/honour thing, that your parents have hooked you up with someone of high status and don't want the shame of it failing?

Assuming you have some means of earning a living and having a career, I wouldn't be putting up with crap sex for the rest of my life. It will wear away at your will to live. But then I suspect the whole foundations and dynamics of arranged marriages are something that few of us can relate to here.

(TW SA) Are you sure there isn't actual assault happening here in bed that you're trying to dress up as being bad in bed? Does he just force himself on you with no foreplay or communication?

With my ex I thought on the wedding night well you’ll never have great sex but at least I was away from the family. Please don’t waste 16 years of your life like this my ex was the same he wouldn’t acknowledge there was a problem. In the end I gave up just lay there, . Leave life’s too short it really is and don’t have kids, you’ll be trapped and that feeling is awful.

@AteAllTheBourbons

(TW SA) Are you sure there isn't actual assault happening here in bed that you're trying to dress up as being bad in bed? Does he just force himself on you with no foreplay or communication?

No there is no assault he is just not good ..l

I don't understand when you say he is a caring husband. Nothing you have said makes me think he is caring. He controls you, doesn't want you to see your friends, isn't interested when something makes you unhappy.....

The things you describe as being 'good' are just basic requirements - a home, trips out, he doesn't beat you' - they are not signs of him being good at all.

Enjoying your sex life with your husband is an important part of life. The fact he won't even discuss it shows that he doesn't care what you think / doesn't think you should enjoy it. It shows a general lack of respect for you. As does the fact he controls you.

Please don't have children with this man. That would tie you to him forever, and land some children with a controlling father.

People around you might say he's a good man - that doesn't mean he is. It could mean that they have also experienced marriage problems and have a skewed idea of what 'good' means. Or it could be that they don't want you to rock the boat or to cause them 'shame' (I appreciate in some cultures there is shame in divorce).

Whatever other people say - only you know if you are truly happy, in a relationship of equals, with mutual respect, a shared workload and where you both want to make the other happy. If you aren't, then you would be absolutely right to get out. The sooner the better, as these things get harder not easier (especially if children arrive on the scene). The sooner you do it, the sooner you can both find someone better suited.

I wish you the very best. You sound lovely and deserve to be happy. Life is too short to stay unhappy to make others happy.

I think your idea of what makes him a "good man" is skewed. Having a good job that pays well, owning property, being cultured, looking after his parents... those things don't make him a good husband.

A good husband wants his wife to be happy. He is happy to discuss problems in the marriage, including sex, to find a solution. He encourages her to have her own interests and friends. He loves her for the person she truly is inside, not the replacement mother he needs.

It sounds like you have very little support from your family. It's very sad that they would encourage you to tolerate a marriage that makes you so unhappy.

Please don't have children with this man. If you cannot bring yourself to leave, then tell him you will not be having sex with him in future until he is willing to talk about it.

Does he even realise that you should he enjoying sex too, that it is not just for his benefit? Does he not want to make it pleasurable for you? 🙄

@PinotPony

I think your idea of what makes him a "good man" is skewed. Having a good job that pays well, owning property, being cultured, looking after his parents... those things don't make him a good husband.

A good husband wants his wife to be happy. He is happy to discuss problems in the marriage, including sex, to find a solution. He encourages her to have her own interests and friends. He loves her for the person she truly is inside, not the replacement mother he needs.

It sounds like you have very little support from your family. It's very sad that they would encourage you to tolerate a marriage that makes you so unhappy.

Please don't have children with this man. If you cannot bring yourself to leave, then tell him you will not be having sex with him in future until he is willing to talk about it.

Does he even realise that you should he enjoying sex too, that it is not just for his benefit? Does he not want to make it pleasurable for you? 🙄

I did since 2015 but he is okey with it . What surprises me we hardly have sex might be once a year & he does not say anything & I don't say anything tooo

Could he be gay OP??

@RainbowMumzy

Could he be gay OP??

No he is not gay that I'm sure off ..

I don’t mean this to sound rude, but was he coerced into the marriage by family? Is there a chance he has a girlfriend.

It’s quite common apparently to marry who your parents have chosen and to keep your girlfriend on the side. So they have their traditional wife for cooking, cleaning, children and looking after their parents and then their girlfriend for fun, romance and holidays. (FIL did this)

@Sleeplessem

I don’t mean this to sound rude, but was he coerced into the marriage by family? Is there a chance he has a girlfriend.

It’s quite common apparently to marry who your parents have chosen and to keep your girlfriend on the side. So they have their traditional wife for cooking, cleaning, children and looking after their parents and then their girlfriend for fun, romance and holidays. (FIL did this)

Nope...that's not the case either

He does yoga, meditation & work out with friends he is where he says he is ... never seen or felt anything like affair ..

@changesoul

He does yoga, meditation & work out with friends he is where he says he is ... never seen or felt anything like affair ..

Well it’s odd that he doesn’t want sex more than once a year. Does he watch a lot of porn? Have erectile dysfunction? Perhaps he is asexual?

Did he feel coerced into marriage by family? Perhaps he’s just going through the motions and has ‘traditional’ expectations of a wife.

Would there be consequences for you if you left him? It doesn’t sound like a very fulfilling marriage xx

"He does not say anything and I do not say anything too"

Why aren't you kicking up a fuss? Insisting that you both address the lack of sex in your marriage..? I won't get any better if you both bury your heads in the sand. Tell him you want to go to counselling to sort it out or you will be seeking legal advice to divorce him.

Arranged marriage is not the same as forced marriage - I think some of you are a bit confused .

There may be porn use. If he is 'traditional', he may see you as being so perfect he can't have sex with you. So he relies on porn

Good men with good hearts aren't controlling and they don't dismiss your requests to work on things in the relationship that you'd like to improve

ARe there religious leaders who advise on marriage - are there counsellors - can your mother or father approach him or his family.
My 70+ year old DH has improved his sex technique greatly recently - he must be finding out about it online. I'm sure your DH could look stuff up, or you could and tell him where to look.