Page 2 | How to tell your husband that he is terrible in bed?

Original poster

changesoul · 07/07/2021 09:43

@Jobsharenightmare

I'm from a culture where AM is common OP. Leaving an arranged marriage may have huge consequences for you I get that OP. Help is available through culture based charities and your local women's aid will be able to advise.

In the meantime if you want your marriage to improve I would suggest you think about how open to change he is generally? What role models does he have for relationships? Who influences him most? Who will he go to, if anyone, to talk about your behaviour (how you are as a wife) and what will they say?

Some of this will tell you how much potential there is for him to even want to become a better husband.

U r correct it's hard and family pressure is high.. but I'm getting depressed. I don't even love him anymore when we meet I thought it will be ok but after so many years of this kind of behaviour I don't feel any love towards him or never fallen in love with him which I thought it will happen

It's just difficult 😞

OP posts:

Natty13 · 07/07/2021 09:43

I wouldn't be having bad sex. When he complains about the lack of it (and he will), you tell him "sex isn't something to talk about" and see how quickly his attitude changes.

Palavah · 07/07/2021 09:49

Can you make sure your contraception is covered, because if you have children with him and he doesn't change you will be trapped.

@jobsharenightmare is important

Naunet · 07/07/2021 09:56

Jeez, life is too short for this shit. I know some men like to think of themselves as mini gods, and as women we should worship at their feet, but I really have no time for these misogynistic idiots. Women are not put on this earth to skivvy for men, or act as a vessel for a man to orgasm into.

Sleeplessem · 07/07/2021 09:57

So I think you have 2 issues, the controlling behaviour and the sex both of which are underpinned by cultural notions of femininity.

Would you say his behaviour that you identified as controlling is common place in your society, family and circle of friends? If so it will be challenging to fix as it will be so engrained, even if he is a ‘nice man’. I do agree with PP who have stated this behaviour does tend to escalate, especially after having children.

Then you have the sex, which as you have identified he doesn’t like you talking about. Would you say this is a societal taboo? Again this is a difficult mindset to challenge, as it might be one where it’s believed women are more passive sexually ergo not important. Are you religious people? I only ask because we are muslim and there is actually a strong emphasis on sexual rights for women in marriage. I’m not sure what religion you follow and if there is something comparable.

As I said in my pp, sex can be worked on but you need both parties to be willing. But from what you said it sounds like it forms part of a bigger problem and that is the controlling aspect of your relationship.

User5827372728 · 07/07/2021 10:02

He’s controlling, you don’t love him and don’t enjoy sex. I would say the cons outweigh the pros.

Would your family support you leaving him?

MrsPerfect12 · 07/07/2021 10:12

This sounds tough, it's not so easy for you to leave if you have the family pressure too. I would agree with the others. This won't get better. You are young enough to meet and marry someone who loves you and treats you with respect. Wishing you all the best.

Jobsharenightmare · 07/07/2021 10:15

I think you are answering your own questions OP. You sound like you want to leave him and that's OK. It will be hard of course. But you are unhappy and do not deserve a life of misery.

19Bears · 07/07/2021 11:07

You know what the answer is here @changesoul
Your first post said 'controlling but manageable' which is enough in itself to tell you this is not a loving relationship. It's far easier to get out now while you haven't got children, so please see if you can find a way. Especially as further down you say you don't love him. You do not have to stay in a marriage where there is no love, no matter what background you're from x

me4real · 07/07/2021 12:04

So sorry to hear you're going through this @changesoul xxx

Someone I knew was in an arranged marriage she wasn't happy in. It was hard for her to separate from him due to family etc, but she did eventually and her family accepted it after a while.

Life's too short to live it depressed and unfulfilled.

namechange842 · 07/07/2021 12:36

There are no children keeping you in this marriage.
If you leave him now, you'll be young enough to meet someone you love & have children with.
He is controlling, and controlling behavior usually gets worse when children come along.
If the sex hasn't improved by this point, it will not change.

namechange842 · 07/07/2021 12:37

Most importantly, you don't love him!

Original poster

changesoul · 07/07/2021 12:49

@changesoul

My husband is terrible in bed how do I deal with that ? He does not even know how to kiss properly. It's been like this since we got marriage it was arrange marriage so we never dated before marriage. When we got marriage after 2-3 years I did try to tell him couple of times but he told me we should not talk about sex & he just exit which is not normal according to me.

He is good man with good heart. He cares for me a lot. He is controlling but manageable what should I do ? Is being bad in sex good reason for divorce or shall I be okey.

We don't have kids yet don't know really what to do if anyone can shade some light. I'm making mistake thinking of leaving him? Or I should not consider this as huge things and just not think about it ?

Thank you everyone for ur input. I have been talking to my parents since 2015 and I have stayed till now and he tells me things will improve and he has change but I see v limited change.

He is good otherwise, my mom says he earns good, he does takecare of me, no physical abuse, we go on trips, have house , why i don't want to stay but I just don't feel right. Mom says mans are like that look at ur father he does not listen & don't like few things.. so u have to let it go but I m finding it v hard specially all u got his ur husband.

I know he loves me and he will Tc of me all his life .. he does not have any affairs or anything and he is well cultured. He is mummy boi he does take care of his parents .

Then why I m not happy I feel sometimes there is something wrong with me dunno so much of confusion. What u guys think ?

OP posts:

CorianderBee · 07/07/2021 13:13

Not all men are like that. Arranged marriage can work well but only if he is willing to listen, compromise and respect you.

It doesn't sound like this is the case. I would leave. He doesn't care if you are happy in your marriage and that would be enough for me to leave a

CorianderBee · 07/07/2021 13:16

Also you only get one life...do you want it to end with you never having enjoyed good sex?

woohoo54 · 07/07/2021 15:12

You only get one life. Are you willing to spend yours with a selfish controlling man when you could have the joy of being in love with a man who respects you to be yourself and actively tries to please you? A partnership is meant to be a meeting of equals not a dictatorship.

Original poster

changesoul · 07/07/2021 17:32

@CorianderBee

Also you only get one life...do you want it to end with you never having enjoyed good sex?

Thank you everyone for ur input. I have been talking to my parents since 2015 and I have stayed till now and he tells me things will improve and he has change but I see v limited change.

He is good otherwise, my mom says he earns good, he does takecare of me, no physical abuse, we go on trips, have house , why i don't want to stay but I just don't feel right. Mom says mans are like that look at ur father he does not listen & don't like few things.. so u have to let it go but I m finding it v hard specially all u got his ur husband.

I know he loves me and he will Tc of me all his life .. he does not have any affairs or anything and he is well cultured. He is mummy boi he does take care of his parents .

Then why I m not happy I feel sometimes there is something wrong with me dunno so much of confusion. What u guys think ?

OP posts:

Original poster

changesoul · 07/07/2021 17:33

@me4real

So sorry to hear you're going through this *@changesoul* xxx

Someone I knew was in an arranged marriage she wasn't happy in. It was hard for her to separate from him due to family etc, but she did eventually and her family accepted it after a while.

Life's too short to live it depressed and unfulfilled.

Thank you everyone for ur input. I have been talking to my parents since 2015 and I have stayed till now and he tells me things will improve and he has change but I see v limited change.

He is good otherwise, my mom says he earns good, he does takecare of me, no physical abuse, we go on trips, have house , why i don't want to stay but I just don't feel right. Mom says mans are like that look at ur father he does not listen & don't like few things.. so u have to let it go but I m finding it v hard specially all u got his ur husband.

I know he loves me and he will Tc of me all his life .. he does not have any affairs or anything and he is well cultured. He is mummy boi he does take care of his parents .

Then why I m not happy I feel sometimes there is something wrong with me dunno so much of confusion. What u guys think ?

OP posts:

username18702 · 07/07/2021 17:46

@changesoul

My husband is terrible in bed how do I deal with that ? He does not even know how to kiss properly. It's been like this since we got marriage it was arrange marriage so we never dated before marriage. When we got marriage after 2-3 years I did try to tell him couple of times but he told me we should not talk about sex & he just exit which is not normal according to me.

He is good man with good heart. He cares for me a lot. He is controlling but manageable what should I do ? Is being bad in sex good reason for divorce or shall I be okey.

We don't have kids yet don't know really what to do if anyone can shade some light. I'm making mistake thinking of leaving him? Or I should not consider this as huge things and just not think about it ?

I'm not sure what you can do if he won't talk about it OP. You need to be able to communicate in a marriage about everything, including your sexual relationship.

I wouldn't have children with him. If he's controlling and simply doesn't care about your needs (I'm guessing he's very selfish and has a strong sense of male privilege and entitlement) I would leave.

If he cared for you a lot, he would care about your pleasure and enjoyment. He is controlling as well which will get worse, not better.

TotorosCatBus · 07/07/2021 17:53

Most good men are happy to hear what their wives like and don't like in bed because they hope that keeping their wife happy will lead to more sex and their wife considering sexual stuff that they like too. Plus it's proof of true intimacy if you know exactly what you spouse likes in bed.

It's a massive red flag that he won't discuss it and it will lead to resentment over time imho.

TheFoundations · 07/07/2021 18:24

Then why I m not happy I feel sometimes there is something wrong with me dunno so much of confusion. What u guys think

You've hade 40-odd people tell you he's awful and that you don't need to live like this, and you should leave. Nobody has said that they think you should stay. And you're asking what people think?

He's controlling and he doesn't like you having the social life you want. How does that correlate with him caring about your feelings or wanting you to be happy? He doesn't take care of your needs in bed. How does that correlate with him caring about your feelings or wanting you to be happy? He won't talk to you even when something is important to you. How does that correlate with him caring about your feelings or wanting you to be happy?

Why do think he cares about when he so blatantly proves to you in so many ways that he doesn't?

ChaBishkoot · 07/07/2021 18:31

I am Indian. So is my DH (although he didn’t grow up there). I am aware of the cultural pressure. Marriage is not about someone not hitting you, or ‘taking care of you.’ If you are married to him and cannot even talk about sex there is something seriously wrong. I have several school friends who had arranged marriages and most were virgins but so were their husbands and their sex lives have evolved together.

I would ask him why he doesn’t want to talk about sex. Why is it a bad thing?

I am actually more concerned that he is jealous and controlling. I can’t see him being an equal parent and a father.

You have many more options than your parent’s generation. Take them.

me4real · 08/07/2021 01:57

then why am I not happy? I feel sometimes there is something wrong with me

(Am on phone so hope I didn't misquote too much.)

There's nothing wrong with you, you're just not happy, that's not abnormal if someone feels trapped in a situation they're not happy in.

If you looked back over your posts to this thread, you could probably start to make a list of things you aren't happy with about him. You could no doubt add more to it. (If you write this out, keep it in a safe place on your computer or elsewhere- or this thread can be a record for you.

Perhaps you could write some more here about what you aren't happy with, what you would prefer etc.

No, you wouldn't feel the same with any man, there will be someone out there who suits you better; and freedom is better in itself.

Just because your mum settles for things from a man, doesn't mean you have to. You can live a happy and fulfilling life. You deserve it xx

Meggymoo777 · 08/07/2021 02:10

@Natty13

I wouldn't be having bad sex. When he complains about the lack of it (and he will), you tell him "sex isn't something to talk about" and see how quickly his attitude changes.

This ^

Every single time until he listens and speaks about it or you leave... and I wouldn't be waiting too long to leave

Lisamonwesaa · 08/07/2021 02:14

Can you live with awful sex for your entire life ? If you can’t then it’s not going to work . Just tolerating your husband is not really a life I would want to live .