The hurt after realising you were with a narcissist.

[Fightingback16]

Is it normal to be hurting so much. Since the shock has been wearing off and it’s taken 2 years the past few days I have been feeling so hurt and down.

To realise that all the feelings you had all along and was 10 years for me. The lack of connection you felt and was told that was my fault and I tried endlessly to get one but just thought I must be damaged was all him.

It was all him….I feel so betrayed and completely alone in my memories in my head, my poor former self what did he do to her, it is so sad. And now I feel it all, all the things I felt but never understood.

I met the narcissist in my life just as I lost my mum when I was at my most vulnerable. He seemed like my saviour at that time. But even then sometimes his words and actions were weirdly out of sync. He said all the right things, and words are powerful for me. Until him I didn't think people could speak about their feelings with such eloquence and not mean any of it. Fast forward four years and we were still together, although I was a shell of my former self. Exhausted and ill, and constantly questioning myself, trying to change who I was to make the relationship work again, because it must be my fault, right? He was so loving and attentive, adoring at the start. How could I have messed it all up? Then my Dad became ill, and the narcissist left me. I was alone with two small children, trying to cope with my Dad who was dying. I have never felt so alone or desperate. I had been reduced to nothing by the narcissist, and I had nothing left to give my Dad. I will regret, until the day I die, that I was unable to be the daughter my father deserved at that time. I was completely broken. After the funeral the narcissist returned and although I knew I was betraying my own soul I was with him for another cruel, hideous year, until I finally thought - enough. When I first saw him, after a break of four months, my whole body shook. My body knew the truth,but my heart was desperate for the soulmate I thought I'd found to return. The abuse is so subtle, and so insidious that to explain it to those who don't understand is impossible. I genuinely feel my brain has been rewired by him. I am fighting, four years on, to be the person I was again. Never underestimate the harm these people can do. The sooner you leave, the less damage to who you are. The pain is indescribable.

Aliceclara, your story could have been written by myself. I know exactly how you feel. I’m sitting here crying as I write this, I was not the daughter I should have been during my Dads final months and the guilt is unbearable as I will never get another chance. I hate my ex for how he changed me but I hate myself even more for allowing it.
Throughout our relationship I was constantly being accused of cheating/lying/stealing from him etc etc, none of which I had done. I read an article written by a psychologist recently and she explained that nine times out of ten a narcissists accusations are actually confessions. This really hit home. I look back now and it makes perfect sense. I really hope that will help others that are currently in relationships with narcissists. Please pay attention when they start accusing you of things you have not done

I tried my absolute best to be there through my dads chemo and his passing. My final words to my husband as I left him on the floor mid breakdown whilst he tried to persuade me he would be my knight in shining armour was I will never be able to forgive you. He begged me to let him have a chance to persuade me and I gave him another 8 months or so and then I said no more. He then told me to get out before he did something he would regret to me, he switched.

He spoilt everything, my last Christmas with my dad, last birthday, last everything. He didn’t care about his appointments, I was alone in so much grief it very almost ripped me in half. My dad loved me and my husband tried to destroy it. my love for my dad made me get out, my dad loved me and would not want me to live like that. I owe him to live the best life I can. It has been my catalyst and he still is.

It is a pain like no other isn’t it.

That's exactly it - they spoil everything. The relationships that are the most precious to you. The times that are significant, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. They see the beautiful relationships you have, the time with your children which you will never get back, the love and joy in your life and they set out to destroy it. But it is such a slow slow process....drip drip drip... you become conditioned over time to accepting behaviour you would never have tolerated at the beginning. And always the switching characters... the lovely kind caring person you first met returns for brief times, convincing you that the cognitive dissonance you feel is all you! I read so many self help books during that time. I tied myself in knots trying to work out my flaws and fix them. I look back and I ache for the person I was then. I wish I could have read something like this then. If you're reading this and it resonates with you, take note of what you feel in your body. Your head and heart can be deceived, but your body will show you the truth. I was ill, all the time. I couldn't sleep, or relax. I felt 'speeded up' and permanently on high alert. Or I would freeze, unable to do anything. My radar for narcissism is now so sensitive I feel it in my body first when I meet one.

@Fightingback16

I tried my absolute best to be there through my dads chemo and his passing. My final words to my husband as I left him on the floor mid breakdown whilst he tried to persuade me he would be my knight in shining armour was I will never be able to forgive you. He begged me to let him have a chance to persuade me and I gave him another 8 months or so and then I said no more. He then told me to get out before he did something he would regret to me, he switched.

He spoilt everything, my last Christmas with my dad, last birthday, last everything. He didn’t care about his appointments, I was alone in so much grief it very almost ripped me in half. My dad loved me and my husband tried to destroy it. my love for my dad made me get out, my dad loved me and would not want me to live like that. I owe him to live the best life I can. It has been my catalyst and he still is.

It is a pain like no other isn’t it.

Fightingback I'm so sorry for your pain and regret regarding your Dad. You just have to remember you did the best you could with what you had at the time. I try to think that, although it doesn't always work. And I know my Dad would have hated to see so unhappy.

@Lizzy1980

Aliceclara, your story could have been written by myself. I know exactly how you feel. I’m sitting here crying as I write this, I was not the daughter I should have been during my Dads final months and the guilt is unbearable as I will never get another chance. I hate my ex for how he changed me but I hate myself even more for allowing it. Throughout our relationship I was constantly being accused of cheating/lying/stealing from him etc etc, none of which I had done. I read an article written by a psychologist recently and she explained that nine times out of ten a narcissists accusations are actually confessions. This really hit home. I look back now and it makes perfect sense. I really hope that will help others that are currently in relationships with narcissists. Please pay attention when they start accusing you of things you have not done

Lizzy1980

Oh yes the pain and the illnesses which they use against you, you are always so ill and so negative what is wrong with you, you need help etc etc never realising it was your body screaming. And now I’m left with this chronic fatigue syndrome, everyday I’m fatigued it’s horrible.

for all of you xxxx

@TheFoundations you know I still have what you said about with the right people we don’t have to hold back who you are with.

And no I didn’t have any boundaries with my husband, I really wanted too and I hated myself for not having anything and I could feel him trampling over them and I was screaming inside.

I will from now on try to honour my beautiful, strange, complicated self that I am and if people leave then so be it, I will hopefully attract the right people. It’s better then trying to please everyone and always feeling angry at the world as I don’t feel myself.

I will from now on try to honour my beautiful, strange, complicated self that I am and if people leave then so be it, I will hopefully attract the right people

The toxic people won't leave; you have to take responsibility and leave them. And in terms of attracting the right people... sod that! Be the right person for yourself. You might sometimes have someone to play with, or you might sometimes play on your own, but if you are a wonderful, supportive, caring person for yourself, you'll be happy either way.

'Be your own best friend' and 'Date yourself' are phrases often thrown around, with no acknowledgement of their depth. Other people will come and go (or be ousted); you are the only constant who will 100% definitely never leave you. Having responsibility for your own feelings is like having responsibility for a child. Be ever watchful, create the right environment, foster healthy development.

I'm sure you are beautiful, and no doubt you're strange (we all are!) but ask the person you love and trust most in the world whether you're complicated. I imagine they'll say something like 'Not really. You make sense most of the time.'

I guess not complicated really then @TheFoundations I just want safety and love I guess that’s what we all want at the end of the day. Only I tried to get it from others.

I read some of my phone notes from the freedom programme 2 years ago now. What a scary place I was in, I was talking about 2 worlds coming together and I was struggling to hang on to my mind. I went to the meeting but didn’t believe I was abused….What a scary thing narcissistic abuse is. Being with him required erasure of my identity.

Being with him required erasure of my identity

I can so so relate to this. I felt like I didn't exist after mine. Like I had to start from scratch at building a person to be. The hardest thing was, because I lost trust (conceptually), I couldn't even trust my closest friends, so I felt unsupported even by my nearest and dearest. I had a very desolate few months where I'd moved area, still feared being followed and found by my abuser, new, temporary housing, part time job in a new place that wasn't enough hours/money to sustain me, and a feeling of no support at all.

Never again! I thought I'd never be happy again.

I'm so happy now! It's totally do-able to completely get over this crap. Takes time, takes effort, but so does anything worthwhile. If I met my abuser now, I'd thank her. I would never have bounced so high if I hadn't sunk so low.

Yes I think it will be possible to move on from this. For some it’s probably too soon but my boyfriend is very good for me he is teaching me how to be me and he isn’t put off. I’ve been cooking a bit for him which I’ve not done for a while. If I cooked something wrong I was always in trouble. I said to my boyfriend what would you do if you didn’t like it and he simply said go and get myself something else. No I’d throw it at you or not speak for days….amazing!

Living is the only way to heal so that you can see a different side to things.

Aliceclara
How perfectly expressed.