The hurt after realising you were with a narcissist.

[Fightingback16]

Is it normal to be hurting so much. Since the shock has been wearing off and it’s taken 2 years the past few days I have been feeling so hurt and down.

To realise that all the feelings you had all along and was 10 years for me. The lack of connection you felt and was told that was my fault and I tried endlessly to get one but just thought I must be damaged was all him.

It was all him….I feel so betrayed and completely alone in my memories in my head, my poor former self what did he do to her, it is so sad. And now I feel it all, all the things I felt but never understood.

The Teddy bear thing is chilling but a good analogy. Thanks!

Awww and now the poor teddy bear is wondering what it did wrong.

I really hate that feeling of rummaging around my brain thinking there is something wrong with me it’s tiring and time consuming and really a waste of time. I’m also bored or reading people all the time, I was so honed in on him and his emotions all the bloody time and I can feel I’ve moved that energy into trying to read my own now and I’m in my head all the time and I’ve kind of had enough now.

See, teddy was the absolute perfect teddy. No faults at all. Dream teddy.

Made no difference; still got narked.

God, there seems to be a bit of a cult around some of these narcissist bloggers. HG Tudor is ridiculous- his posh accent and voice distortion technology. He's clearly loving all the attention and making a lot of money...I guess its a narcissists perfect job, making videos about narcissism Then all that stuff about Greater Narcissists etc seems silly. Its tricky to navigate all this as everyone seems to have their own theories and god knows who is right. Also a lot of the videos are 1 hr plus cus they love the sounds of their own voices. Will just have to look at mumsnet for now

I think the thing is, when somebody refers to the parts of your narcissist that are relevant to your relationship, it's validating. So, if you're in desperate need of validation, there is plenty of stuff out there.

To be honest, if you're past the need for validation and just want to move on, you're better off focusing on learning how to have and enforce boundaries, which isn't even slightly complicated either.

Yeah. I think im knackered with analysing him now as I also spent months thinking he had HFA to excuse his lack of empathy and also because he had all of the signs, including stimming etc. I still think he does, but that is no excuse for his behaviour. But as you say, the real work for me now is boundaries because they will keep me safe regardless of what is going on for the other person.

I think I’ve moved all the energy into working him out to working myself out. Not so much boundaries, I can see where he trampled all over them as they were so weak. I honestly don’t think I would ever fall for that again!

I just don’t really know myself, it’s been a life time of abuse and neglectful behaviour. I only just discovered I disassociate which Is a skill left over from childhood. I am overwhelmed by most things, I fear abandonment. I’m not great in a relationship as I don’t understand them fully, I feel like I need to keep checking in all the time. It’s exhausting.

Do you enjoy being by yourself, @Fightingback16?

If you become an expert at that, it's no problem to have a 'take it or leave it' attitude to relationships.

I had a list of things I needed to fix about me, too, and nearly fell over when I realised I didn't have to fix any of them - I just needed to avoid situations that made me behave in ways I didn't like.

That's the thing with boundaries; it's not just about maintaining boundaries within relationships, it's about boundaries with regard to which relationships you actually choose to have. It goes further than relationships too... boundaries in terms of how you're willing to be treated at work, in Sainsbury's, on the train etc.

When I realised I wasn't just a victim of my own behaviour in life, and I wasn't failing at some covert set of rules I hadn't learned properly, I felt massively responsible for myself, for the first time. It was overwhelming, the moment when I realised 'Oh my GOD. It's actually ME that's in charge!' I refer to it as 'when I grew up'. I was 42

I don’t mind being by myself but I get easily bored and I enjoy the company. I want what everyone else has, or appears to have. I have my own house I don’t need a man financially.

But take my relationship now, he is a lovely guy, he does silly nice little things for me but he doesn’t verbally tell me anything, no I love you, no I miss you I have no idea how he feels and I fill in the space with stuff like maybe he is stringing me on, maybe I’ll do for now, it’s not making me feel very sure. But when I say that to him he just says don’t be daft it’s just me I’m not very good with all that.

Hm that sounds like he might be a little unavailable? Its a really tricky one as I know some people just struggle to articulate things but before this narc I was with a couple of guys just like that that had never had long term relationships / weren't good with words and I never felt good. I think it might be part of the pattern of going for people that don't give us what we need. Or he might just be a lovely bloke that struggles with words!!

The funny thing is and I think it’s inhibiting my recovery is at the moment and for the past 2 years I have been living with my mum, the very person who caused all my problems. The one who I never feel good enough and with all the shame of what I’ve been through and she knows nothing because we don’t have a relationship really. I had to stay here whilst the house went through the court. I won the house but I can’t afford to live in it until I’ve paid the solicitors bill so maybe another six months or so. She is nice for letting us stay but I can’t forget or unfeel how she makes me feel. We just don’t have an emotional relationship. She has never asked how I feel and I’ve never told her. Its very sad.

That is very sad. It sounds very cold and not a good environment for healing. So the guy is living with you? How long have you been together?

it might be part of the pattern of going for people that don't give us what we need. Or he might just be a lovely bloke that struggles with words

These two things are not mutually exclusive, and that's the harmful pattern again. 'I'm not getting what I want, but I'm sure I'm just being silly, because it's just that he doesn't use the words I'd love to hear. I should just settle for the fact that he has the feelings. That should be enough for me.'

It should be 'This lovely bloke who struggles with words doesn't give me what I need'.

'Getting bored easily and enjoying the company' is also part of the unhealthy pattern. It signifies not having enough going on, and so having to fill the gap with a relationship. It creates a situation where life is a bit crap without a relationship in it, and that's exactly the situation that needs to be avoided.

Sorry. I don't mean to pull things apart. It's just so easy to not realise the perpetuation of the harmful stuff. Sometimes it doesn't look harmful at all.

Yeah my brain doesn’t have he energy to come to a conclusion about this new relationship. I am a little but needy at the moment and I didn’t think it was really this new guys problem to fix. I am being unreasonable at times, I was ugly to him because I wanted to see him but his car broke so he had to fix it. I got moody and unreasonable when he came afterwards. He even brought flowers but I was irritated, I was just disappointed because I had a hard week. I seem to always be having a hard week and he doesn’t come from my world and doesn’t know how to help I don’t think. He keeps telling me he is here for me whenever I want but I keep questioning it. I had a bit of a bad week and told him things I really didn’t want to as it makes me look vulnerable, which I am at times. I told he he could leave as I won’t be easy to live with and he said that he is here for me. Perhaps it is me who can’t accept that.

There's no such thing as 'needy'. To assume that there is is to assume that there is a 'correct' level of neediness. There isn't. Everybody has a different level of need. There are people more needy than you, and people less needy than you.

Stop putting yourself at fault. Everybody has needs. If yours aren't being met, you leave. It really is that simple.

There's nothing wrong with looking vulnerable. Everybody is sometimes moody and unreasonable. When you are with the right person, the questioning in your head will stop. When you are with the right person, things will feel right. When you are with the right person, you will be the lovely version of you; they will bring out the loveliness. This guy, although clearly a nice guy, is rubbing you up the wrong way. BEING A NICE GUY IS NOT ENOUGH. Otherwise tons of blokes would be the right bloke for you.

If you can't accept that he's there for you, it doesn't matter whether he is or not, does it; you're not going to be comfortable with him. That's your feelings. You can't change your feelings... otherwise we'd all choose to love hoovering and hate Netflix. You have to choose to live in a way that soothes your feelings, rather than criticising them all the time.

What hurt? I was relieved to realise he was a narcissist, he had messed up so much with my head and was so lovely to everyone else, I thought I was going crazy.

I would say OP, all the damage is there in the past, but how much of it you carry into your future is your own choice. Don’t mourn the lost years, embrace the freedom you have been given by walking away from him

Oh he does bring out the best in me. I maybe haven’t really been clear about what I need and maybe I need support from elsewhere for certain things.

I think I am ashamed about my past. I feel when I tell him he will think wtf was wrong with you. I think I’m sabotaging it because I think he will leave eventually.

Oh I have 2 names for different matters haha.

Another analogy is a household item, maybe a special light, that you coveted and then eventually managed to buy. When people visit they admire it and you bask in their admiration and show off the features. It makes you really happy. It's new, shiny and works well for you. After a few years the lamp seems less shiny, it's not as modern, then a new model hits the shops and you think an upgrade must be a good idea. Even though you invested in the lamp you feel you deserve better.

You use the lamp but it's no longer special in your eyes and then it starts to have a few problems, nothing major but annoying all the same. This makes you think that a new lamp is essential as no one comments on it anymore and it doesn't suit your decor.

As you still need a lamp you continue to use it but plan on getting a new one. The lamp is of course completely unaware.
One day the old lamp is thrown out and in it's place is the new shiny lamp and you love it. People admire it ..the cycle goes around again. You think you made a mistake with the first lamp, it was too much of an investment and it let you down, you thought it would be shiny for longer, the new lamp won't be like that...

Sending a big hug to you lovely! It's absolutely destroying to have a relationship with a narcissist, especially when you have children with them. Your story is very similar to mine. We split 4 years ago, I had a nervous breakdown about a year and a half ago. I suffered (still am) from post separation domestic abuse. I've been dragged through court by him twice, the second case lasted a year because of covid. You are 100% correct about the courts, they are absolutely awful for the victims of DV. This added to my suffering and pushed me over the edge. I'm so glad you have an IDVA, they were my lifesavers (I've had to have support loads). The recovery toolkit course was fantastic, it really helped to speak to other ladies who'd been through the same thing. I also look back on the things I 'allowed' to happen and don't recognise myself. He pinned my asd son to the gate by the throat and I didn't call the police. I would kind of leave my body when things happened. The hardest thing has been that he's abusive to the children and he still has contact. Sertaline (anti depressants) pulled me back, I'm a huge advocate for them now. Time is also a great healer. I come on here to support others going through DV or recovering because helping others makes me feel that at least I can make something positive from what was an absolute nightmare.

I took him to court over the family home which took about a year and he took me for
Contact which has been a year now. I can’t see a way out, I can’t see a life without him in it secretly destroying our daughter. I could cry and cry at the prospect of him getting contact. He is a tick he just won’t go. I dream that something happens to him as I don’t think he will ever leave us alone.

Yes it's normal until you realise he's the pathetic one you should be feeling sorry for. No emotion, he has to use people, he's the fool. Desperate and lonely. You'll get over it but he won't.

So @TheFoundations yesterday I set a boundary and it was broken by his family which is resulting in me stopping contact with them also. I felt physically sick Enforcing the boundary and really panicky now. I stuck with it but I’m scared I am going to get punished by him. Now this I am guessing is what happened to my previous boundaries?

How did you set it, @Fightingback16?

Were you even aware previously that you had boundaries that you needed to uphold? If not, then this is an enormous positive step towards your contentment.

And yes, enforcing them does feel nauseating to start with - it's doing the unpleasant 'heavy lifting' part of the process, without having reaped the rewards. It'll be worth it.

How do you think he'll punish you?

@Fightingback16

Recovery has been really slow for me. I lost my dad at the same time I had a breakdown and left for some space not realising who he was. It took a long time for my head to be even able to entertain what had happened. He absolutely destroyed me.

I also lost my beloved Father at the same time as my relationship with that narcissistic ex was breaking down. Five years on and it is still very painful. I hate myself for putting up with his cruel treatment of me when I really needed his support. I was vulnerable and although I didn’t know it at the time I was ‘not in my right mind’. He has since married and had a child. I doubt I ever even cross his mind yet barely a day passes when I don’t think of him, the way he treated me and how I put up with it. I too feel destroyed. I feel like I will never trust again. I’ve had a few dates but I am so defensive that I sabotage any potential relationships. Time is a great healer I know. I just wish it didn’t take so long