The hurt after realising you were with a narcissist.

[Fightingback16]

Is it normal to be hurting so much. Since the shock has been wearing off and it’s taken 2 years the past few days I have been feeling so hurt and down.

To realise that all the feelings you had all along and was 10 years for me. The lack of connection you felt and was told that was my fault and I tried endlessly to get one but just thought I must be damaged was all him.

It was all him….I feel so betrayed and completely alone in my memories in my head, my poor former self what did he do to her, it is so sad. And now I feel it all, all the things I felt but never understood.

Yeah I know, you're posts were really spot on about that Foundation. Spot on about it all.

Um @TheFoundations I often feel rejected. For example we were going to spend the day together but he had to spend the day fixing his car as it broke. Now logically I understand but I felt disappointed then I thought maybe he just doesn’t want to spend the day with me and I almost told him to get lost, my emotions were a bit OTT. Then I thought if I did more he would want to spend time with me, I had to keep reminding myself it’s just the car.

I have this inner feeling like I need people to make me feel better when I know people can’t fix me I have to fix myself. But then I have also been having a difficult time and being with him makes me feel better, he makes me laugh and feel safe. I don’t really have a place that makes me safe.

@TheFoundations, thanks for your insight and taking the time to post. Your comment resonated as when I tried boundaries, I was either ignored or called controlling.

Op, from my experience each stage felt painful and never ending but it was progress to recovery, even when I didn't think it was. You have insight, narcissists manipulate/pressure their partners to do stuff that is against their values and then hold it over them.

Like most people I didn't have a clue what I was dealing and similarly grew up in an environment where my feelings were invalidated. I don't think it was malicious, just a mixture of my personality and genetics that meant I was more tolerant to others. I see it in my children now, one is much more empathic and looks inward first. I know I have to bolster their boundaries whereas it is more instinctive for my other children. The empathic one is also very talented and such a lovely person that I know they are also at higher risk from toxic people. Through my children I am learning how I presented to the world..unguarded and unaware so I may as well had a sign over my head.

At the outset of my separation I thought we could be amicable however Ex took rejection so badly (I left before the discard) that he became extremely vindictive. This is when I realised I was dealing with someone outside of "normal". I then spent 2 years uncovering lies (and OW) which rocked my world and made me doubt the previous years. I saw how he had manipulated and plotted against me and I had vivid memories as the jigsaw pieces fell into place. This took a long time as we share dc so there were always triggers. I had to learn how to deal with and process the triggers, this sounds simple but perhaps the stage you are at now. As Foundations said, you have to feel your feelings, let them sit with you and listen to what they are telling you. Let them come up and eventually they will disappiate

You are not abnormal for feeling pain still. Imagine that you have had significant physical trauma, parts of you may ache for sometime afterwards but by listening to your body (rather than push on) you'll heal faster.

I now have boundaries, rather than be unguarded however I think at times I'm clunky and not that articulate as it's new for me but I know it's the biggest focus I have to have. I also plan stuff for me, just to have fun as recovery is really hard work and it can feel draining. Getting outside in nature is really soothing so I try to do that often.

Boundaries ha I had none of those absolutely none. Well if I did then they were extremely weak, but then they are very good at eroding them and I was told even strong people get eroded by these kinds of people as they are something so bad we have no idea how to deal with them. We are human and they are not.

I do miss my old self a lot, she didn’t have to think all the time how to be human which I’m having to do. I was a designer and met him just after my masters. After a few years I put down my pens and paints I didn’t have the energy and I have picked them back up for maybe 10 years. He took that away from me and I don’t feel the same anymore about them, that part of me has gone and it’s very sad.

I now have boundaries, rather than be unguarded however I think at times I'm clunky and not that articulate as it's new for me

I think this is a really good point, Firefly. When people say 'How long did it take you to recover, it's hard to say what recovered actually means. Not crying every day? Not thinking about the abuser (still do, sometimes!)? Not being triggered into the same responses as you were in the relationship? Having solidly built boundaries? Enforcing them well? It's a continuum. But I think that many people who don't go through this and had 'adequate' parenting are only half way along the continuum, whereas we can see how much damage can be done by having these gaps in our knowledge, so we are more compelled to get ourselves all the way along the continuum.

I don’t really have a place that makes me safe

FightingBack, can you see how this is exactly the same as your childhood, where you needed your dad to be there for you, to make you feel safe, but he wasn't? You're still living in the 'Daddy!! I'm scared, Daddy!!' mindset. The reason you need somebody else to make you feel better is because there's a dad-shaped hole, a primary care-giver shaped hole, which grew up up with you. The good news is, you don't need anybody else. You can fill the hole yourself. You are your primary care-giver, now. And the way you do it is by recognising what self respect is, and then developing it for yourself.

You sort of have to fall in love with yourself. Once you get over the 'well, that's a bloody weird thing to say!' thing, it's actually not that hard. You're a nice person, right? A good person? And you're quite funny, and you're pretty intelligent, and you have this brilliant self awareness (clearly, from what you've said on the thread; not everybody has that, and it's pretty cool), and you really, really care about the feelings of others, otherwise you wouldn't have been 'got' by a narcissist... so... what's not to love? So, you need to do what your dad didn't do for this smart, funny, caring, lovable person; you need to support her.

I don't know why, but when I picture self respect, I always picture one of those big mammas from tv shows, you know, 'You gonna dis me, boy? I ain't takin' none o' that! I'm goin' kick you to the curb, boy!', wagging finger and everything. Nothing is getting past this mamma! And then in my head, I imagine what she would do if somebody tried to tell her that she shouldn't be so silly and sensitive. She's really not going to be curling up in an armchair with a teddy, crying, and thinking she's pathetic. She's going to tell them straight out to get lost, and not everybody will love her for that, and SHE DOESN'T CARE!

You have to do that for yourself. You'll find you don't need anybody else, once you get the hang of it. Because if things get rough, you can simply sit back and comfortably lean on the sure knowledge that you are utterly brilliant, and so anybody who thinks otherwise is a fool who can be instantly dismissed.

that part of me has gone and it’s very sad

Bits of me went too. God, d'you know, I can relate to EVERY SINGLE THING you say!

It was sad to say goodbye to some bits of myself, but other parts came which I welcome, and love. I can do public speaking, now, for example, and I'm taking lessons in stuff I've always wanted to learn, but never had the nerve. I pretty much said goodbye to reading novels, though, which I'd always loved, and my experience of music changed, too.

I've always thought it amazing how these seemingly unrelated-to-having-a-relationship things changed, but I think it's a good indicator of how deep the damage goes when you get abused in this way. Music and novels were my primary indulgences, they were a really important part of my life, and my responses to them have changed, permanently, I think. The power of the narc! It's a good thing there's plenty of other stuff out there to find and enjoy.

God I've written a lot on this thread!

Im saving this post to read later. Has anyone mentioned the embarrassment? Or the anger when the entire legal system is also happy to be duped by your experience? Six years on and im now beginning to recover.

Oh yes I have changed and some things I really welcome. I suffered with anxiety before him and it got bad with him but has largely gone and I love it. I can eat out and with people which I’ve always struggled badly. Actually now I think about i think my life can be fuller now. I am 100% stronger.

Haha I remember when he paid someone to come and cleanse the house of bad spirits…safe to say it didn’t world!

I find the lack of knowledge and understanding from other people really hard to cope with.

@coodawoodashooda, I hear you! Legal system always assume both parties are responsible for conflict but that isn't the case. Justice doesn't happen in family Court (so you will never been vindicated) but you'll get a legal outcome. The two are very different and I think many of us assume courts will be more aware.

I find the general lack if awareness to personality disorders frustrating. It is perceived as a low percentage but I believe its way higher because it's never diagnosed. If a narcissist person signed up to a diagnosis voluntarily I would question if they were narcissist since a core characteristic is lack of accountability and no empathy.

Also narcissism is likely to be caused by childhood abuse and genetics so there is no reason why it's rare. Also narcissists have to be in relationships so over a lifetime they are capable of impacting many people.

It is slowly changing as sites such as MN or Quora are offering info.

I’m in the middle of contact proceedings at court and my ex has had no contact for 2 years, mainly because I’ve put a stop to it. I had absolutely no idea what I was actually dealing with until very recently but I’m so glad I listened to my instinct. When daughter ended up in an ambulance that was it for me.

Court is the absolute worst experience, there is no support. I have to look at him each time and no body asks me if I’m ok even through he was found guilty of all the allegations and I’ve been heavily triggered each time. They don’t give a shit about me or my daughter to be fair, they don’t see how he destroyed me, he should be arrested for what he did….but no they are doing there absolute best to get the contact resumed and I’m dragging my heals at every opportunity hoping he gives up…but he has the patience of a saint.

The system is absolutely appalling and it’s contributed heavily to be state of my mental health when it is the perfect opportunity to do some good…shocking. That and the closure of domestic support charities, I’ve felt thoroughly on my own and has added years probably to my recovery.

Does anyone have any tips on setting boundaries? I struggle massively with this. Especially when someone is being reasonable.

@coodawoodashooda

Does anyone have any tips on setting boundaries? I struggle massively with this. Especially when someone is being reasonable.

Can you define your struggle a bit? It's hard to advise without knowing in what way it's hard for you. What sort of situation would give you trouble?

@TheFoundations

Questioning your own feelings is the reason you suffered so badly with a narcissist.

Your feelings are never wrong; your feelings are an unfettered manifestation of who you are, and who your heart is. Your feelings are the very real, true you - the you that needs to be respected by the people you spend time with, and, most importantly, by you.

Your feelings are all you have. Think about it; you can win the lottery and meet the perfect partner and have wonderful kids and an exciting fulfilling career, but none of it matters or makes life worthwhile if, emotionally, you feel like crap. You can have a low paid job and a tiny house and not be able to find a relationship match, but if you feel chirpy every day, who cares? The feelings are the only bit that matter.

Feelings are signposts. If somebody makes you feel bad, that's a 'keep your distance' signpost. If somebody makes you feel good, that's a 'move closer' signpost.

And your situation right now? You are feeling crappy, and that's a signpost that you need to be looked after and listened to and nurtured and loved. You don't need anybody to do this for you. You can do it yourself. Recognise that the you that says 'Am I normal?' is not listening to and caring for the you that feels things. In fact, she is looking at the you who feels things, and saying 'I think you might be a bit of a wierdo, actually.' That's not a kind attitude to have towards the true you.

Deep down, really, you know that you're a good person. A kind person. And, if there's anything unusual about you, that's not because you're wierd; it's because you're unique. We all have special bits! The asking of the question 'Is it normal to feel the way I do?' is actually asking the question 'Do I think that the me that feels is a wierdo?'

Look after yourself. Not by buying yourself flowers or indulging in a bubble bath, but by listening to and respecting your feelings. By not questioning whether the real you is normal for feeling what she feels. For offering her the acceptance that, ultimately, you were looking for when you met your partner in the first place.

Wow. I just want to say, this thread is not about me and I know this was to the OP but this is the best thing I have read in a long time. I have tears in my eyes. Am going to copy this and re-read whenever I am doubting myself and who I am.

Thank you

How do I know if someone is a narcissist?

There's a fairly distinct pattern of behaviour, @Wherediditgo

Why, do you think you might be?

Do I think I might be one? I’ve questioned this, myself actually. Mainly because H as told me I am one. But I think it may be him that is one.
I’m in the process of leaving him but still trying to make sense of it all.

Would a true narcissist worry that they might be a narcissist though?

Sorry, I meant 'Do you think you might be with one.'

Yes, a narcissist would likely accuse their victim of being a narcissist. Because nothing is ever their fault, in their eyes. So, projection is often used.

If you google signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and you're in a relationship with a narcissist, you'll read down the list of signs and go 'Yup; yup; yup; wow, yup... he does ALL of these! Yup; yup...' andit will be very plain what's been going on. And it will feel like a relief!

@Wherediditgo

Would a true narcissist worry that they might be a narcissist though?

No. They'd be quite proud about it.

It's not you, Wherediditgo.

It’s very clever how they do this, I thought about this for well over a year. Was I the abuser, have I got it all wrong, very crafty!

I was with a narcissist for 7 years. It took me about 12 years to fully recover. The devaluation and discard stages were hideous, cruel and financially disastrous.

However. I learned a huge amount in the following years about what it means to be me and what it means to be human. And what it means to be a personality disordered narcissist.

I now believe in myself. I understand myself - with all my flaws and gorgeousness.. the experience has made me wise and strong.

Many people at the time said 'karma will get him' and I very much wanted to believe that for a good few years. But Karma doesn't have any leverage over narcs, as they sincerely believe they can do nothing wrong and are only deserving of admiration and glory.

What my experience has done, is totally alter my relationship with my family. My poor parenting and fucked up childhood was the reason I was reeled in by a narcisst in the first place (he wasn't the only one - but he was the one I was blind enough to marry.) As I grew stronger, as my eyes and intellect were opened, as I taught myself to have boundaries, my family ties fell apart. I am no contact with them all now.

And that is THEIR loss.