The hurt after realising you were with a narcissist.

[Fightingback16]

Is it normal to be hurting so much. Since the shock has been wearing off and it’s taken 2 years the past few days I have been feeling so hurt and down.

To realise that all the feelings you had all along and was 10 years for me. The lack of connection you felt and was told that was my fault and I tried endlessly to get one but just thought I must be damaged was all him.

It was all him….I feel so betrayed and completely alone in my memories in my head, my poor former self what did he do to her, it is so sad. And now I feel it all, all the things I felt but never understood.

Yes I can relate to this thinking there is something wrong with you. I worried I had borderline(still kind of do!!) Because of the extent that my boyfriend was distressed by my emotions and said he could do nothing right/ was walking on eggshells/ I was changing goalposts etc. I think for the most part I was reasonable and just communicating healthily about what had upset me. When I asked my therapist if I was borderline he said absolutely not and if anything my boyfriend sounded more like this due to his mood swings, deep sense of shame and trying to control my emotions (through getting so distressed when I expressed them). Ironically this all made me feel very ashamed and insecure etc, it's all a big mindf*!

Omg @StartingAgain33 I’ve also been googling borderline personality disorder and almost convinced myself as my emotions are all over the shop.

Oh wow glad I'm not the only one but its horrible isn't it?! The thing is I can relate to what a borderline feels but I know my behaviour is not the same. And my feelings are not as strong, and they are a result of how much I have felt like I am standing on shifting sands etc. The saddest thing is that ex doesn't know he is creating so much damage, he himself suffers from a very deep sense of shame which he projected on to me.

It's a good idea to keep things in perspective. It's easy to forget that their opinion of you isn't the objective truth, especially if they've managed to isolate you (that's the reason they isolate you in the first place), but asking yourself if anybody you know or have known has felt you were always critical/a goalpost-mover/making the walk on eggshells. When you start thinking 'Hang on - all these criticisms come from the same source...', you can see where the toxin is that's ruining you.

Actually @TheFoundations I have been told I'm critical/ people have to walk on eggshells I think 2 or 3 times before... (out of about 10 relationships). Hence wondering if this is all me. I think I stayed in the relationship a lot longer because of that as I kept thinking that this was my issue and I was seeing things that weren't there. My therapist in the end reassured me I had been very patient but Im not sure my boyfriend felt like that. I do think my critical nature set my boyfriend up to feel judged even when I didn't mean to make him feel like that. So I don't think it was as black and white as he is 100%wrong and I'm innocent sadly.

TheFoundations
Your insight is incredible.

Maybe I just need to accept it was partly just a mismatch. Although I do think he was highly sensitive to criticism and often saw it when it wasn't there (ie if I was talking about something completely unrelated to him!). He once said he didn't want to share any of his past with me because I would call him racist! (I had said that something he did when he was 27 would be seen as racist nowadays but I didn't call him racist). Also I asked him to turn his mobile notifications off as they want off all the time and he said I was trying to change him as a person and micromanage him. I said it was fine if he didn't want to, I just didn't think the constant interruptions even in bed made for a relaxing atmosphere. He changed them but was very resentful and kept bringing up throughout our entire relationship.

@StartingAgain33

So, mostly, people don't think it's what you're like. Maybe just a little, here and there. But not like he says, right? Nobody is 100% innocent. We all exhibit horrible behaviours when we're bent out of shape.

The only reason cluster b personalities can get us into the victim position is that we are willing to question ourselves, and consider taking responsibility for everything that goes wrong. We are willing to consider ourselves flawed, rather than just bog-standard 'I'm not perfect, I'm human'

I remember the penny dropping during a counselling session: 'The only thing that's wrong with me is that I think there's something wrong with me', 'The only thing I need to change about myself is my partner' It's sooo simple. It's not about sorting your faulty behaviours that happen(ed) when you're with the abuser, it's about choosing not to be in positions that make you do out of character stuff in the first place.

Thank you, @thefoundations. I was so worried you'd come back and say 'ah, you clearly are a bit to blame then, forget what I said and go examine yourself'. I am so convinced there is something deeply wrong with me. I am actually tearing up writing this. What you said resonated so much. I have been with boyfriends where a critical word has not passed my lips because they are lovely people. I know its not all me but I keep making it so, which leads me to men like this. (And I think the first man that said this of me actually set me down the path of not validating my own emotions and choosing unavailable men, actually).

My ex often said 'he'd never find anyone as kind as me' and no one was as nice, giving etc (I have had several situations where I have massively self sacrificed for men which he knew about). I now see that may have made me an easy target and it was not necessarily a compliment.

But even if you were horribly faulty, and all crooked in your personality, and casting evil spells on people, ruining their lives, the right thing for them to do, as responsible adults, would be to stay away from you. Not to stand there with their finger pointed at you, saying 'You're rubbish you're rubbish you're rubbish' What kind of person chooses to do that? The kind of people who likes making people feel like crap.

We're all a bunch of screwed up messes. We just have to find people to hang around with that don't make us feel like that's the end of the world.

Haha. So true. I think in his heart of hearts he was also torn between seeing my point on things and then feeling angry/ a deep sense of shame from stuff that had nothing to do with me. He thought if we could fix us (and he did put a lot of energy into that) he could fix his shame but he really needed to look inside, something I think he found v difficult to do.

I understand completely. I want to cry for poor 20-29 year old me. What he did to her, how she was desperate for even the smallest scraps of affection and approval, how broken she was, how stressed, how unappreciated and unloved. I hate him. I hate him so much. I would not be moved in the least if he were to be served with the karma he deserves.

I never do that anymore, you know. Trying to figure out what someone might be thinking, or what their motivations might be/have been.

If you think about your healthiest relationships (like your best friend), you'll realise that you never have to question their motivations: they do the things they do because they are nice and they are who they are. There's nothing to figure out or wonder about. If I start feeling that inner compulsion to 'deduce' someone's mindset, I feel the red flag feeling.

Yesssss this is so true. Someone's behaviour shouldn't need an explanation. This is a simple but brilliant truth!

where a critical word has not passed my lips because they are lovely people

I think I become critical when my boundaries are flaunted and positive attempts haven't worked. Could this be the same for you?

Also we all can be sharp/harsh when stressed and that's "normal" but it's how it gets resolved. With healthy relationship there is a natural recovery because both parties are empathic.

Yeah...I think you might have something there. Its usually when I'm reaching the end of my tether after having taken loads of crap and not been listened to. Fair point

@BustyDusty, the financial and health ramifications for me are also significant. I am not sure if both will ever fully recover but I am rebuilding.

Op, Dr Ramani on YouTube has wonderful videos about Narcissism. Her mission is to spread the word and she would like narcissism to be covered in schools, such is the extent and impact.

If you think about it most of the conflict in family Court and domestic violence is caused by disordered individuals. I was certainly taught by my parents to avoid obviously aggressive individuals and make sure I was physically safe but there was zero education about toxic people. As I mentioned I think some people are more likely to be a target for abusive people. I can spot them now...they are usually highly empathic people who see the good in people. If they were a house they would be homely and sunny but with weak security. Burglars know through trial and error which houses to target, it's why narcissists get worse with age as they hone their skills.

Oh god @fireflygal that describes me to a T

If they were a house they would be homely and sunny but with weak security. Burglars know through trial and error which houses to target

Great analogy, Firefly. And it also demonstrates perfectly which bit of us we need to change. We don't want to stop being the sunny, welcoming house, we just need locks on the doors. This is why it bothers me when people say 'Oh, it's because you're too nice!' The niceness isn't the problem. The niceness is great! It's the effin' burglar that's the problem!

People who are targeted by narcissists often have something worth taking. With my current bf I noticed that he's a nice person and he is empathic and wants to help. I immediately saw how I could exploit this, if I was that way inclined (absolutely not). He's authentic about who he is and doesn't play games and because he hasn't been involved with a narcissist why wouldn't he be? We had similar upbringings and values but he was more fortunate about who targeted him. I know I was targeted, Ex told me but at the time I took it to mean he saw me and fell for me so looked for opportunities to meet me. What I now know was he had a few irons in the fire and I was the one who offered him the best chance of getting what he wanted. Of course it didn't appear like that - he seemed like my soulmate due to the mirroring.

Hahahaha I’ve made that analogy before about my security being weak. I think mine tried a few houses before me and he literally told me in those first few weeks I was what he had been looking for….bloody great! Although I wasn’t as he didn’t like me!

Oh god, he said all the time I had been what he was looking for all his life....! 'Where have you been?'etc. He genuinely seemed bereft we had not met before.

Weekend number one of being broken up and I am already starting to get the feeling that I am connected to myself again. I know it sounds cheesy but I went to yoga and just felt deep joy and even gratitude for where I am in life even though two weeks ago I felt everything was broken.

I agree narcissists see something something they want. In my case it was maybe this joy, a kind nature plus the fact I knew what I wanted in life apparently. Which was funny because out relationship didn't have a lot of laughs at all and he then seemed very intimidated by my life plans!

@thefoundations do you have any YouTube recommendations on narcissism? You said there are loads, would love to know your favourites

It's hard to remember, but Sam Vaknin (He actually is a diagnosed NPD himself, so that's an interesting take on it all) and Natalie Lue (although I spent more time reading her Baggage Reclaim posts, which aren't about narcissism specifically, but about boundaries/healthy relationships/how to break up and move on healthily etc)

I think Sam Vaknin was the one who said that a narcissist loves people in the same way a child loves a teddy bear. So, they genuinely do have a strong attachment to you, and they hold you and they are tender with you, but then something distracting happens, and they drop you on the floor and forget all about you for a day, a week, a month, whatever. When they come back, they expect to just start being tender again, because teddy bears don't get pissed off or feel neglected. This goes round the cycle until they get bored with their bear, and walk away from it for the final time. No goodbye, no closure for bear, no explanation, no empathy. There is just no further interest.

It helped me, that explanation, because I felt a fool for believing that the love was real, and it helped me to understand that it was - but just not in the same way that I love.

Pretty much anything that comes up if you search YouTube for Narcissistic Abuse/PD will help, because it's all validating, and narcissism really isn't complicated, so it'll be mostly relevant and accurate.