I’m overwhelmed with panic about this, don’t know what to do

[DoorFrameSal]

I’m in a happy relationship of 8 months. In October I will be 35. It’s looming and I’m scared about the fact I want a family and feel old.

Me and DP are getting closer all the time. We’ve always said we want a family. Not said we wanted it with each other . But we’ve said we love each other.

I’m starting to wake up in the night panicking about all this. Last night I woke up and panicked and he was great but I didn’t tell him why. I don’t want to sound crazy!

Equally I don’t think I can carry on not planning for this. I think if I mention it he will say let’s wait two years so we have time to move in etc and more time together. Obviously sensible but what if he turns round and says no in two years? Or if it doesn’t work out?

I’m overwhelmed with panic and have nearly called in sick to work today, having never had a day off in my whole career.

You’re 35 - it’s going to be on your mind
I think it’s worth a chat - if you’re in a happy relationship then surely for a couple in your 30’s this is a thing which needs talking about
Time is a factor - but if he doesn’t want a family then it is better to know now?

You aren’t suggesting now but you need to plan and that is reasonable

This is obviously something which is upsetting you but your reaction seems a bit extreme, sorry OP.

Lots of people have kids in their late 30 and beyond.

Perhaps your first step is to have a conversation with your DP. At least you will know where you stand.

You aren't close to him if you can't talk about how you feel and why you wake up panicking. Talk to him. How are you going to move forward otherwise? You want to get married and have a child within the next year (or whatever time scale you feel you want). Does he want the same, yes or no. If no, you have your answer. If he says no would you want him still even if no children are on the cards?

@orangejuicer no I agree I think it probably is. I am honestly a mess. I think about it all the time. I am in tears most nights about it.

@joystir59 how can I tell someone I’ve been seeing for 8 months that I want a family with him? Surely that will ruin things and make him think I only want him for that... which actually isn’t true, I do really love the man. I’d stay with him if we couldn’t have a family but I want to try.

@rubyslippers he will say he wants that, for sure. He often says he wants kids. I’m not concerned about whether he wants them or not, it’s when. And I am almost certain if I asked he’d say 2 years minimum.

How about keeping your powder dry with your DP and going to see a counsellor for a few months and offload all of this on to them? I am really sorry you are panicking and are so anxious about this, but your reaction is a bit extreme given that your DP says he wants a family. Eight months is a little too soon to know if he is "the one" , I would say give it a year at least, and then reassess, otherwise you are in danger of putting unnecessary pressure on a relationship and causing the thing you fear most. Take care op

[quote DoorFrameSal]@rubyslippers he will say he wants that, for sure. He often says he wants kids. I’m not concerned about whether he wants them or not, it’s when. And I am almost certain if I asked he’d say 2 years minimum.[/quote]
And he’d be right about waiting a couple of years. Your biological clocking ticking like Big Ben doesn’t make it any less potentially disastrous to have a child in a very new relationship.

Would you really start ttc tomorrow if he said ‘Yes, I’d love a baby with you right now, although I still haven’t met your friends/spent more than three days at a time together /had a proper argument with you’?

I don’t think you’re overreacting to feel this way. You badly want children and your time is finite. Who’d be casual about that?
After 8 months I’d have a gentle but firm chat with your partner. You appreciate you’re still getting to know each other but long term this is what you want and you’d be appreciative if he’d bear that in mind and not string you along. Otherwise you’ll need to know so you can meet someone else. Presumably he knows your age and has a grasp of biology so will understand why you’re bringing it up.
Contrary to what many women seem to think, many men like knowing what the goals and rules are and where everyone stands on a topic. If he thinks you’re a bunny boiler just for calmly but firmly stating long term plans that are extremely important to you - well, you’ll quickly have your answer OP.

I think you need to be straight up with your feelings. After 8 months of being together, me and my partner discussed future plans and what we want, we were 26 and 25 at the time. We both knew we wanted a family, so we decided to go for it! I'm a firm believer of if you know, then you know. Best choice I ever made.

@Tealeavesandscones thanks. If I wait and bring it up this time next year, I will almost be 36. That feels so scary. I feel like I’ve massively gone wrong somewhere in life for this to have happened. I wish I had settled down a long time ago

Sorry my post wasn't clear. I mea give it another four months before talking to him, then you will have together for a year.

@Coronawireless I think he’d say yes he wants them and he wants to wait two years. I don’t think that would be a huge comfort. I’m just so panicked by it all the idea of waiting two years makes me feel sick

PS you do still have time on your side so don’t get too upset - and you’ll probably feel a lot better in the light of day than when you woke up in the middle of the night - but you’re right to make sure things are moving in the right direction and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Start chatting to him in a few days once you’ve calmed down.

First of all, please don't pamic. I got together with my dh at 36, had my two kids when I was in my 40s.

Second, you have to accept that you absolutely cannot control your future: whether you have kids or not, whether you get to remain in a good relationship with this current bloke or not, any of it. You can nudge things, but it's all beyond our control and you have to learn to live with that.

This is just a thought, but having posted that rather smug first para, I do remember that 35 was actually one of my hardest 'big birthdays' (Ive had a few since!).

Half the 'three score and ten' and suddenly the future wasn't out there in front of me like an infinite ribbon of possibility. It suddenly contracted into a finite, single (as in, you only get one - I was in another relationship at the time iirc), life.

It may be that that is what you need to come to terms with. The 'half way mark' can be a bit of a shock, but ultimately a very valuable reminder to make sure you are living your life as you would wish, SO FAR AS YOU CAN CONTROL IT. But that means job, friends, family, health, travel (well domestic travel anyway) - as much as you have a say in these - just as much as relationship and kids. Important ly, it's a moment when you might be facing up to all the things that now won't ever happen, or will never happen again.

It is genuinely frightening (or was for me) but once I got through it I felt oddly a lot stronger and more fearless. Like I'd come down to earth.

It might be easier for your conversation with your partner too if you talk to him in these general terms rather than getting out the baby thing (given you know he wants dcs at some point already).

And breathe....

Good luck!

@Coronawireless

I don’t think you’re overreacting to feel this way. You badly want children and your time is finite. Who’d be casual about that? After 8 months I’d have a gentle but firm chat with your partner. You appreciate you’re still getting to know each other but long term this is what you want and you’d be appreciative if he’d bear that in mind and not string you along. Otherwise you’ll need to know so you can meet someone else. Presumably he knows your age and has a grasp of biology so will understand why you’re bringing it up. Contrary to what many women seem to think, many men like knowing what the goals and rules are and where everyone stands on a topic. If he thinks you’re a bunny boiler just for calmly but firmly stating long term plans that are extremely important to you - well, you’ll quickly have your answer OP.

But I don’t think that’s what the OP is saying. (I agree it would be perfectly reasonable.) She thinks that if she says this, he’ll agree but want to wait two years, get to know one another better, move in together etc. Which I think is also perfectly reasonable. And that, if the OP then says ‘That’s too long a wait for me’, then it could easily take her more than two years to find and get to the ttc stage with a new partner.

@candycane222 thanks that was so nice to read. I am feeling very low and can’t express properly how much that meant to read it. I worry also that DP is 40, he doesn’t seem in a rush yet constantly talks about a family. That confuses me as he’s barely had any relationships. When we met he’d been single 9 years. I think sometimes I panic and think he’s never going to actually want to do these things despite what he says.

@MareMare yes that’s what I’m worried about. He will say he wants them - he often says that anyway. But it won’t be soon.

[quote DoorFrameSal]@MareMare yes that’s what I’m worried about. He will say he wants them - he often says that anyway. But it won’t be soon.[/quote]
But you can see why, surely, @DoorFrameSal? Deliberately having a baby in a new relationship is likely to cause that relationship major problems. DH and I were together almost 20 years before having DS (by choice — and I was 39 when I had him), and it was still a strain.

The fact that you desperately want a child doesn’t make the wisdom of having a baby with someone you can’t know well yet any less questionable. Do you even live together?

Would you really start ttc with him tomorrow if he said ‘Yeah, why not?’

@MareMare yes I would but only because when I met him I just thought I know I can do this with him. I am lucky I don’t have financial concerns so if it did go wrong that wouldn’t be an issue. So I probably would. But I do see why he would want to wait. Everyone says after 35 it’s harder to have them. I’m very worried. Even been for scans etc but they just say seems ok and to try.

[quote DoorFrameSal]@candycane222 thanks that was so nice to read. I am feeling very low and can’t express properly how much that meant to read it. I worry also that DP is 40, he doesn’t seem in a rush yet constantly talks about a family. That confuses me as he’s barely had any relationships. When we met he’d been single 9 years. I think sometimes I panic and think he’s never going to actually want to do these things despite what he says.[/quote]
So next time he talks about having a family, that’s the perfect time to have the conversation @DoorFrameSal. Ask him whether he visualises doing that with you, and if so, when?

If it’s something you want so much that you’ve been for scans, then he needs to know that it’s very important to you.

[quote DoorFrameSal]@Tealeavesandscones thanks. If I wait and bring it up this time next year, I will almost be 36. That feels so scary. I feel like I’ve massively gone wrong somewhere in life for this to have happened. I wish I had settled down a long time ago[/quote]
I understand your sense of panic about it. Time limited fertility is a biological reality for women.

The thing is though, for yourself, and your future children, it is so important that you marry the right person but personally, I didn't want children per se, but I did very much want my husband's children if that makes sense.

I think it would be best if you wait four months until talking to him, but if you really cannot do that, then you need to speak to him, fully aware that you risk pressuring him too much and damaging the relationship. And that may have the effect of needing to start from the beginning finding another partner.

Also, it is worth thinking about the fact that your DP, as dad, does also have the right to have input in to this very important decision. Becoming a parent is not a step you want to take before you are ready.

Take care op

Finances isn’t the only issue with having a child with someone you’ve known for 8 months ...

If I were you I think I would have that conversation with him, al at a time when you are feeling relaxed etc. Maybe when the topic of dc comes up and see what he says about timelines. It may be that he doesn’t want to wait but is also scared incase he frightens you away, or it may be that he doesn’t actually want any but thinks he should say that he does but having that talk will sort it out.

I met dh when we were in our early 30s and it all happened really quickly - moving in, having dc and getting married. We have been together over 20 years now so it worked out for us even though we didn’t wait long to start ttc. I had ds at 35 and dd at 38.