I’m overwhelmed with panic about this, don’t know what to do

[DoorFrameSal]

I’m in a happy relationship of 8 months. In October I will be 35. It’s looming and I’m scared about the fact I want a family and feel old.

Me and DP are getting closer all the time. We’ve always said we want a family. Not said we wanted it with each other . But we’ve said we love each other.

I’m starting to wake up in the night panicking about all this. Last night I woke up and panicked and he was great but I didn’t tell him why. I don’t want to sound crazy!

Equally I don’t think I can carry on not planning for this. I think if I mention it he will say let’s wait two years so we have time to move in etc and more time together. Obviously sensible but what if he turns round and says no in two years? Or if it doesn’t work out?

I’m overwhelmed with panic and have nearly called in sick to work today, having never had a day off in my whole career.

Also op, just because you haven't settled down yet, doesn't mean you have "massively gone wrong". Why would you think that? Life is full of twists and turns, why is that your fault? I know so many people who have started their families in their late 30s. I had my DC at 39 and I was happy that I had travelled and had a career first. And bluntly, you can't change the past, so feeling badly about it is a waste of your energy and focus!

[quote DoorFrameSal]@MareMare yes I would but only because when I met him I just thought I know I can do this with him. I am lucky I don’t have financial concerns so if it did go wrong that wouldn’t be an issue. So I probably would. But I do see why he would want to wait. Everyone says after 35 it’s harder to have them. I’m very worried. Even been for scans etc but they just say seems ok and to try.[/quote]
With respect, you can’t know that, OP.

Having a child is one of those life experiences that doesn’t feel at all like it looks from outside, and it really isn’t possible to know what someone you’ve known eight months will be like as a co-parent, or even how you’ll experience parenthood yourself.

I’m a confident, reasonably well-adjusted person with no previous MH issues, in a very happy long term marriage to someone I know thoroughly and love, and postnatal psychosis nearly pushed me over the edge — terrifying hallucinations, paranoia, thinking my baby wasn’t mine, huge distress — and DH was made abruptly redundant when DS was less than a fortnight.

And honestly, if someone who was visibly panicking about their fertility wanted to have a baby so quickly with me, in your boyfriend’s shoes I’d feel I was purely instrumental.

I’d be warming up to a “where is this relationship heading” conversation.

Certainly once you’ve made it to a year

Ok, I’m older, was OLD in my 40s, already had my ds, but when it came to relationships I’d not even start to take them seriously until 6m in. Then at a year I’d expect some level of commitment

I binned someone at 1 year in, he didn’t bother to tell me about a family wedding until the week before and then that it was just him going

Well actually that wasn’t the trigger, that was a bump in the road. The clincher was me larking about in the kitchen having done something cracking and laughing saying “tell me again why you’re with me” his response was “cos it’s convenient”

Cold.

That is what did it.

So start thinking about what you want from the relationship and then when the moment is right ask him how he thinks you’re doing as a couple and say “I know this is a serious question, but for me we kind of need to know we’re on the same page, wrt kids etc”

Is being married beforehand important to you, if so, say so.

What have you got to lose? If it’s not going to happen, better to know now, if it is, then you’ll have established proper communications which are what all good relationships are founded on.

Some of the responses on this thread are awful. We don't seem to have left behind the idea that women are 'hysterical' or 'neurotic' except that nowadays we use words like 'controlling' and suggest that women should seek professional help if they take this subject 'too' seriously.

Having a baby is the single most important decision that anybody, male or female can make in their lives even if you decide it's not for you. It is completely normal to be preoccupied with it. Completely normal. I find it incredibly sad that a woman who is concerned about this is made to feel there is something wrong with her.

A major issue is not just that this particular man does not want to discuss it, but that it's considered normal that a couple in their 30s have to pretend it's not an issue. They have to spend a set period of time doing all of those compulsory couply things before the woman can dare to broach the subject that is way, way, way more important than a few more months of mini breaks and bunches of flowers.

Why are women left to carry the burden of broaching this subject?? Babies belong to both people in a relationship. It's not just the woman's issue. It is absolutely not true that men can have a baby at 'anytime'. Quite apart from the fact that there are health implications for older fathers, the whole social and cultural normalising of men having partners much younger than them has a major impact on women.

Men HAVE to start having this issue in the forefront of their minds at this age too, instead of letting women worry about it and then branding them as unstable or weird for thinking about it.

OP. It is completely normal to be preoccupied by this. It is not normal that your boyfriend (or any other man in his 30s) does not think about this too.

@Tealeavesandscones

How about keeping your powder dry with your DP and going to see a counsellor for a few months and offload all of this on to them? I am really sorry you are panicking and are so anxious about this, but your reaction is a bit extreme given that your DP says he wants a family. Eight months is a little too soon to know if he is "the one" , I would say give it a year at least, and then reassess, otherwise you are in danger of putting unnecessary pressure on a relationship and causing the thing you fear most. Take care op

Absolutely this. You need to unravel your feelings about this and it is far too soon to start having a family with this man.

I still think it’s important to have the conversation to make sure you are both on the same page about what you want. My partner and I had the conversation within the first few dates about whether we wanted kids and I got the sense with her it was as deeply important to her as it was me. Some people say they want kids but it’s only in a vague theoretical sense and I know of women who have stayed indefinitely in relationships in the hope that it would go from “soon” to “now.” Obviously if your having worries about saying this to him then clearly it’s too soon for you to actually ttc but at least find out if his 2 years is a firm 2 years or if it’s really more like in a year as well as how desperately he wants them.

Hi OP.

I can totally identify with what you're feeling. Whilst I met DH at 26, he wasn't ready to start a family for a long while after, and I became very panicked about it once I reached my early thirties and the years started ticking by. Ultimately we had DS when I was 37.

One of the things I found reassuring was to look more into the stats on fertility after 35. I don't mean to suggest that it doesn't get harder as you age, but I don't think the old 'dropping off a cliff' theory that is so often cited on here and in other forums and articles is backed up by solid evidence. Try this article. www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/309374/

I've recently turned 40 and that has bought with it a new ream of existential concerns and worries. My main being that I obsess over the fact that we haven't produced a sibling for DS, and whether we should.

We all grow up thinking that by our late 30s we'll be married with at least two children, preferably one of each, with a successful job and foreign holidays every year. In reality life can take us in an infinite number of directions, and all we can do is make the best of the aspects we do have some control over.

In your shoes, what would I do? I think I'd probably swallow my fear and speak to DP about it. If he gets freaked out and backs off, that may tell you that he hadn't necessarily considered you a long term prospect. Then you are free to determine your own next steps. A lot of people would disagree with this course of action but you know best whether you can continue as you are.

I wish you the best of success and the happiest of futures.

Why don't you just tell him you wake up in a panic because you're worried that you might struggle to have children due to your age. See what he says and what kind of time line he has in mind. At least then you'll know if it fits in with you.

Alternatively why don't you talk to him about moving in together? That way you are moving forward at least and once living together you'll have a much better idea of how compatible you are.

I would try not to worry too much, 35 isn't a cut off point, lots of women have children into their 40's.

@DoorFrameSal I don't think it's too early to be having these conversations with him at all. When you meet someone in your 30s, I think you tend to decide quite quickly if you want to settle down with this person, and if so, things often move along quite quickly. That was the case for me and some of my friends anyway.

I met DH in my 30s and we had these conversations early on. We got engaged after 18 months and married less than a year later. And had our first child when I was 36 and second child when I was 37.

I know it's easy to panic, but it's because there are so many unknowns.....you're not entirely sure what he wants and when, and of course you'll not know how TTC will go for you until you start trying.

After 8 months, you should certainly feel comfortable to at least have this conversation with him

I hear what you are saying Medibourne - I agree that it should be normal for a couple in their mid-30s to think about this - but not when they have been together for under a year.

@medebourne how about accepting that this man's feelings are different to OPs and completely normal to him as well?!

[quote Gilda152]@medebourne how about accepting that this man's feelings are different to OPs and completely normal to him as well?![/quote]
I’m sure she does accept that. She just recommends that they discuss it to see if they’re on the same page. Then both are free to decide whether to continue.

Could you tell him you are feeling anxious about fertility and thinking about freezing your eggs.? That way you can have the conversation without direct pressure on him although obviously your intention will be clear. It gives him a chance to give a view.

You need to have an honest chat with him. This is obviously a massive deal to you so he deserves to know and to be able to be honest about where he is. He might feel exactly the same as you, or he might say he can see having children in the next few years, or he might say he can’t see that. Either way you will know where you stand. You don’t want to waste time you don’t have waiting around for him, only to find he isn’t on the same page at all.

For all of you saying it’s too early- my husband proposed to me after six months. It was years ago mine, but when you know, you know

@Coronawireless this was to a poster who suggested men not caring about the baby talk wasn't normal .

coronawireless it is quite possible that her partner has different feelings, and that is absolutely fine. His feelings are just as valid as hers. But, the pressure to pretend that the issue doesn't exist is harmful to everybody and men should take some responsibility for it instead of letting women carry the burden of thinking about it.

It would be great if men in their 30s took responsibility for having conversations about this alongside all the other things that adults in relationships take responsibility for eg. contraception. Having a conversation about it might mean something like saying 'if we're still together in another 6 months shall we talk about it?'

@medebourne

Some of the responses on this thread are awful. We don't seem to have left behind the idea that women are 'hysterical' or 'neurotic' except that nowadays we use words like 'controlling' and suggest that women should seek professional help if they take this subject 'too' seriously.

Having a baby is the single most important decision that anybody, male or female can make in their lives even if you decide it's not for you. It is completely normal to be preoccupied with it. Completely normal. I find it incredibly sad that a woman who is concerned about this is made to feel there is something wrong with her.

A major issue is not just that this particular man does not want to discuss it, but that it's considered normal that a couple in their 30s have to pretend it's not an issue. They have to spend a set period of time doing all of those compulsory couply things before the woman can dare to broach the subject that is way, way, way more important than a few more months of mini breaks and bunches of flowers.

Why are women left to carry the burden of broaching this subject?? Babies belong to both people in a relationship. It's not just the woman's issue. It is absolutely not true that men can have a baby at 'anytime'. Quite apart from the fact that there are health implications for older fathers, the whole social and cultural normalising of men having partners much younger than them has a major impact on women.

Men HAVE to start having this issue in the forefront of their minds at this age too, instead of letting women worry about it and then branding them as unstable or weird for thinking about it.

OP. It is completely normal to be preoccupied by this. It is not normal that your boyfriend (or any other man in his 30s) does not think about this too.

Yes yes YES to this! I was feeling icky about a lot of these responses but I couldn’t put my finger on it. You have hit it on the head, @medebourne.

You don’t say if your living together????
If your not ,if your financially stable and have your own home ,I’d be exploring ways of getting pregnant and being a single mum .
I absolutely would not pin my hopes on a man I had known 8 months .
No way would I be leaving that to a man to decide,you can still date him …but absolutely crack on with becoming a mum ,your right your clock is ticking ,especially if you want more children ,and not just one

To deal with the immediate problem, the panic, I suggest phoning Samaritans to talk for an hour or two. It's free, you can do it today, and it may well help. Certainly it won't hurt to try. Samaritans are there for anyone going through a tough time, for any reason, and without judgement.

Once your head is cleared a bit you can consider next steps with your partner.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4287808-Would-you-feel-the-same-or-am-I-being-needy-raising-this

This isn’t your post, is it? Lots of the details seem the same and it rang a bell? Obviously that was about him saying that he didn’t want to move in with the OP yet?

If that wasn’t you-apologies. Do you live together?

To clarify. It is fine if anybody (male or female) doesn't want to have children at all. Of course it's fine. But it's a fact of life that people in their 30s do need to think about it and acknowledge that it is a real thing that exists. Here are some things that people can say in new relationships:

'I know we haven't been together long but I'd just like to let you know that I love children but I don't plan on having my own'

'I know we've only been together a short time but I'd like to tell you that my job/hobby is really important to me and I'd like to concentrate on that in the future, I can't imagine it fitting in with children'

'I know we've only been together for a short time, but as we're in our 30s I guess we both wonder about children in the future. It's something I'm not sure about at the moment'

I had a similar situation at 35. I went to a fertility clinic to get checked over and to consider options. Basically found out I had loads of eggs and was healthy and got costs for freezing eggs etc. Might be worth exploring as could take the pressure off you both.

Too many women are in OPs situation wondering if they are 'too' needy, emotional and demanding when they wonder whether their boyfriend wants children or not. It's not 'too' demanding to want to know this. It's normal. It is not normal to think that it's the woman's problem. Men should be preoccupied about this to exactly the same degree. it's their vital life decision too!

I was just about to say what Dogfan said. You could look into freezing your eggs to take the pressure off.