I’m overwhelmed with panic about this, don’t know what to do

[DoorFrameSal]

I’m in a happy relationship of 8 months. In October I will be 35. It’s looming and I’m scared about the fact I want a family and feel old.

Me and DP are getting closer all the time. We’ve always said we want a family. Not said we wanted it with each other . But we’ve said we love each other.

I’m starting to wake up in the night panicking about all this. Last night I woke up and panicked and he was great but I didn’t tell him why. I don’t want to sound crazy!

Equally I don’t think I can carry on not planning for this. I think if I mention it he will say let’s wait two years so we have time to move in etc and more time together. Obviously sensible but what if he turns round and says no in two years? Or if it doesn’t work out?

I’m overwhelmed with panic and have nearly called in sick to work today, having never had a day off in my whole career.

I second what @medebourne said.

Also agree with this: "next time he talks about having a family, that’s the perfect time to have the conversation @DoorFrameSal. Ask him whether he visualises doing that with you, and if so, when?"

You are 35, he is 40. This is the time to address this issue. Given you've been together only 8 months, you may want to wait for a few months more. Use this time to get some counselling, to calm your nerves and feel less panicky, but also address your fears of potentially never having a family. It's better to face this head on, rather than spend years hoping and fretting and panicking.

And if he says 'yes but not just yet', don't be afraid to ask 'when?'. And walk away if your gut tells you he is not being serious or committed.

If you can’t say to your DP of 8 months “can we sit down and weigh up the pros and cons of if/when to have kids” then he’s not the right person. Surely a 40 year old is capable of having this conversation, if he’s not even open to discussing it then you need to move on and he needs to stop wasting your time.

I don't understand why you think he would want to wait at least two years? If you have a conversation, he might surprise you.

I had this conversation with my (now DP) about 4 weeks into our relationship because we both wanted kids and knew we’d met the one. We got pregnant a few months in and are happily married with 2 DC. Seriously there’s no magic time to wait, it’s a total myth. And the idea of freezing your eggs and undergoing a procedure instead of having a simple conversation is just nuts.

OP, if you do decide to freeze your eggs to buy some time, you need to get onto it pronto.
The success rate for women over 35 is only 18%, and it gets lower the older you are when you freeze them, and, of course, the older you are when you implant them.
I agree with PPs who say you don’t want to spook DP and drive him away by banging on about kids when you hardly know him, but I think by the one year mark you absolutely have to have a serious conversation.
There is a significant number of men who string women along with vague assurances that “of course I want kids with you, darling, just not yet” - which is dragged out for years until too late, and the women have missed their fertility window.
Such men just want the convenience of a partner/housekeeper and have no intention of ever procreating.
If your DP is one of these, you need to find out asap, so you can ditch him and start again.

It should be a simple conversation but it actually isn't. Women run the risk of seeming 'desperate' or 'over' invested when they should be cool, breezy and relaxed about this incredibly important issue.

The bunny boiler stereotype is always close to the surface. I understand why this conversation is terribly difficult for women at the same time as being vital. A man who brings this up will be seen as considerate, mature and sensitive. A woman who does, will be seen as neurotic and desperate.

Do you even live together yet?

Sorry OP, you asked for advice and I am just ranting!

Please ignore people who are telling you to be cool and breezy about this incredibly important issue. It is fine and normal to feel strong emotions about it. There is nothing wrong with you and it's a situation that your boyfriend is contributing to by not discussing it more openly.

Somebody up thread posted an article about the idea of fertility dropping off a cliff after a certain age not being entirely true. I have known so many women in their late 30s and early 40s become pregnant with no issues (myself included) so I do think it's worth reading about that to perhaps reassure yourself that the door isn't about to slam shut tomorrow.

However. it's hard enough to deal with this issue without people telling you that you are over intense. Your feelings are normal. I really hope you can have a conversation about this soon.

Have you raised this with him yet? Do you live together?

Thanks for the replies. We spend a few days a week together every week. Depends what we have on. We’ve not talked about living together, I’d be happy to though. I’d keep my house though whatever happened.

I do think I could talk to him about it. The point is that I don’t think he can give me an answer I want unless he said let’s do it now. Which of course he won’t after 8 months. I don’t know how to deal with the anxiety. I’ve also dated a lot in the last few years and feel that DP is the man I have always been looking for. I feel lucky I have met him. He feels like home. He says similar things to me too but he’s quite a ‘manly man’ (if that’s ok to say these days!), so often I will just get things like ‘I miss you,’ ‘you’re the best thing that happened to me for as long as I can remember’ etc. He’s not particularly great with words but he often does things that mean a lot to me like posting me books I might like etc. The only thing threatening to ruin it is my anxiety over this. It is out of control. I feel a bit better this morning but I can guarantee tonight will come and I will feel physically sick.

There’s no easy answer is there, because we can’t do it right now, he won’t want to. And if i mention it now I feel like i will still be upset about it but also he will then feel he’s causing it in some way, if that makes sense. I don’t want him to feel like that. I just wish I was younger but actually at 33 I would have felt the same I think!

@medebourne

Some of the responses on this thread are awful. We don't seem to have left behind the idea that women are 'hysterical' or 'neurotic' except that nowadays we use words like 'controlling' and suggest that women should seek professional help if they take this subject 'too' seriously.

Having a baby is the single most important decision that anybody, male or female can make in their lives even if you decide it's not for you. It is completely normal to be preoccupied with it. Completely normal. I find it incredibly sad that a woman who is concerned about this is made to feel there is something wrong with her.

A major issue is not just that this particular man does not want to discuss it, but that it's considered normal that a couple in their 30s have to pretend it's not an issue. They have to spend a set period of time doing all of those compulsory couply things before the woman can dare to broach the subject that is way, way, way more important than a few more months of mini breaks and bunches of flowers.

Why are women left to carry the burden of broaching this subject?? Babies belong to both people in a relationship. It's not just the woman's issue. It is absolutely not true that men can have a baby at 'anytime'. Quite apart from the fact that there are health implications for older fathers, the whole social and cultural normalising of men having partners much younger than them has a major impact on women.

Men HAVE to start having this issue in the forefront of their minds at this age too, instead of letting women worry about it and then branding them as unstable or weird for thinking about it.

OP. It is completely normal to be preoccupied by this. It is not normal that your boyfriend (or any other man in his 30s) does not think about this too.

This is one of the wisest things I've read on the relationship board. It's amazing how women are gaslit into thinking they're basically crazy if they care about having a family or not, or if they want some assurances about their very future. They should only care about fun and games and wild sex and dating, and let their men coast along carefree without a thought for the future, while forcing themselves not to talk about or even think about the biological facts of life.

Or their own wants or needs. Many women WANT children, but they miss their chance because they wait around for manchildren who either don't want kids at all or don't want them with partner 1.0 and quickly have them with much younger partner 2.0 when they're 40+. I know women who are desperately sad and childless at 45 whose partners basically say "what? I never thought it was important to you".

do you even live together?

I think this question is meant to imply that OP is not allowed to consider the question yet. 'Sensible' ie. non troublesome women, are supposed to breezily date for as long as possible and then move in with their partner before daring to trouble him with such dull and demanding discussions such as, do you want to have children at some point? nag, nag nag, that's all women do.

@medebourne

Sorry OP, you asked for advice and I am just ranting!

Please ignore people who are telling you to be cool and breezy about this incredibly important issue. It is fine and normal to feel strong emotions about it. There is nothing wrong with you and it's a situation that your boyfriend is contributing to by not discussing it more openly.

Somebody up thread posted an article about the idea of fertility dropping off a cliff after a certain age not being entirely true. I have known so many women in their late 30s and early 40s become pregnant with no issues (myself included) so I do think it's worth reading about that to perhaps reassure yourself that the door isn't about to slam shut tomorrow.

However. it's hard enough to deal with this issue without people telling you that you are over intense. Your feelings are normal. I really hope you can have a conversation about this soon.

But you're writing about something entirely separate to what the OP's real issue is.

It isn't that she thinks he doesn't want children, or that she thinks he doesn't want them with her, or that she's afraid of looking 'needy' if she raises the issue -- she's said repeatedly that thinks he will say yes, he would like to have a child with her, but that this is not the answer she wants, because the only answer she wants is that he's prepared to start ttc now. With a woman he doesn't live with, and with whom he's only been in a relationship for eight months.

Which I wouldn't in the least blame him for being dubious about.

@medebourne
I was agreeing with you!

@medebourne

do you even live together?

I think this question is meant to imply that OP is not allowed to consider the question yet. 'Sensible' ie. non troublesome women, are supposed to breezily date for as long as possible and then move in with their partner before daring to trouble him with such dull and demanding discussions such as, do you want to have children at some point? nag, nag nag, that's all women do.

With respect, @medebourne, you are actually ranting now, and not actually responding to what the OP says is her actual issue -- that she wants to start trying to have a baby now.

@medebourne I was thinking about our living situation recently. We talked about it ages ago and said after a year we would want to live together. So I guess that’s coming up. I might mention that and see what that looks like. I’d like to be living together by Christmas really!

@MareMare I think it’s just scary, it’s like waiting on a man completely... whether that’s a year, two years or more. It’s stressful and horrible.

While I agree with medebourne, it’s not, to be fair, your partner’s fault that you’re not younger. He can’t be expected to have his hand forced because of that - that’s your issue to deal with, tough as it is.
What you can reasonably expect is that you can talk to each other openly about your concerns and ask that he does not mess you around.

@DoorFrameSal

Thanks for the replies. We spend a few days a week together every week. Depends what we have on. We’ve not talked about living together, I’d be happy to though. I’d keep my house though whatever happened.

I do think I could talk to him about it. The point is that I don’t think he can give me an answer I want unless he said let’s do it now. Which of course he won’t after 8 months. I don’t know how to deal with the anxiety. I’ve also dated a lot in the last few years and feel that DP is the man I have always been looking for. I feel lucky I have met him. He feels like home. He says similar things to me too but he’s quite a ‘manly man’ (if that’s ok to say these days!), so often I will just get things like ‘I miss you,’ ‘you’re the best thing that happened to me for as long as I can remember’ etc. He’s not particularly great with words but he often does things that mean a lot to me like posting me books I might like etc. The only thing threatening to ruin it is my anxiety over this. It is out of control. I feel a bit better this morning but I can guarantee tonight will come and I will feel physically sick.

There’s no easy answer is there, because we can’t do it right now, he won’t want to. And if i mention it now I feel like i will still be upset about it but also he will then feel he’s causing it in some way, if that makes sense. I don’t want him to feel like that. I just wish I was younger but actually at 33 I would have felt the same I think!

Op you sound as though you have massively clear and mature insight about your anxiety and panic about this. Life is so unpredictable and it is scary to feel that things are not entirely within our control. Believe me, that feeling does not evaporate once you become pregnant, or when you have children, in fact they intensify. That is why I suggested you might benefit from support from a counsellor, not because I don't think you are justified in worrying about your fertility in your mid thirties, because you are!

Also, if you think it would help, why not take a step forward to the middle ground and ask him how he feels about moving in together first?

Take care op

One thing I just remembered is a while ago, few months back, we had a long car journey and were talking about all sorts of things. He said if it happened now at this stage in his life he’d be happy about it. Ie he wasn’t ready to plan for it just yet, but it was on his radar and he wouldn’t mind if it did. I remember thinking he must be open to it all then. But he can’t be as we are very careful with contraception, him too not just me. So it’s not like he can be that blase about it is it’

Women seem desperate when they don't speak up and just go with the flow and never ever say what they want.

A high value women is attractive because she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to voice it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your partner or potential partner what you want in the next few years - if he doesn't want the same stuff fine, you move on until you find someone on the same page worthy of your time.
Second date I told my now husband what I wanted. Not necessarily with him but I laid my cards out. If he didn't fancy what I was saying I'd have moved on.
I see too many of my friends being so passive they have lost out on getting married, having kids, being happy because they've never spoken up in the belief it will rock the boat. So basically they're too scared so compromise and stay in a relationship they're not fully happy with.
Why give another person your agency over your life and future????

Not even being ready to plan for it speaks volumes.
Is he going to marry you? How many kids are you both wanting? Where do you live and how do you both see the future?
If you haven't had these conversations then you shouldn't be having a kid with him.

My worry would be are you just looking for a sperm donor or do you genuinely like this guy and want to spend the rest of your life with him?

It's not 'too' demanding to want to know this. It's normal. It is not normal to think that it's the woman's problem. Men should be preoccupied about this to exactly the same degree. it's their vital life decision too!
It may be normal to be thinking about having children but to be applying that obsession to an 8 mth relationship is not. Or at least not smart. Being so anxious and worried about running out of time will do nothing but make this new relationship look like 'the one' whether it is or not because she's afraid of missing out.
Definitely not acting in the best interests of any potential child, that's for sure.
I also don't think men "should be preoccupied to exactly the same degree" I think that's a ridiculous idea, to say someone else SHOULD feel the same.
TBH If a guy was desperate to have a baby after 8 months I'd think he was crazy.

Baby with a stranger rarely works out well. Just take a tour around the boards.

I worry also that DP is 40, he doesn’t seem in a rush yet constantly talks about a family. That confuses me as he’s barely had any relationships. When we met he’d been single 9 years. I think sometimes I panic and think he’s never going to actually want to do these things despite what he says.

This gave me pause, op. I hope your boyfriend isn't a future faker. Some men love to say what they think you want to hear.

[quote DoorFrameSal]@MareMare I think it’s just scary, it’s like waiting on a man completely... whether that’s a year, two years or more. It’s stressful and horrible.[/quote]
@DoorFrameSal, I genuinely feel for you, as you’re clearly distressed, but I think you need to get a handle on the panic. Serious decisions made in a panic are really not a good idea.

Just talk about it, if he runs you know. How to deal with uncertainty is part of sharing, having a relationship, you will feel better if it's out there