I’m overwhelmed with panic about this, don’t know what to do

[DoorFrameSal]

I’m in a happy relationship of 8 months. In October I will be 35. It’s looming and I’m scared about the fact I want a family and feel old.

Me and DP are getting closer all the time. We’ve always said we want a family. Not said we wanted it with each other . But we’ve said we love each other.

I’m starting to wake up in the night panicking about all this. Last night I woke up and panicked and he was great but I didn’t tell him why. I don’t want to sound crazy!

Equally I don’t think I can carry on not planning for this. I think if I mention it he will say let’s wait two years so we have time to move in etc and more time together. Obviously sensible but what if he turns round and says no in two years? Or if it doesn’t work out?

I’m overwhelmed with panic and have nearly called in sick to work today, having never had a day off in my whole career.

OP, I think talking to a third person (not necessarily a counsellor) about this might help.
You do need to talk to your DP obviously.

Do you have a back up plan? Obviously having a family is important to you, can you untangle your feelings from your current situation a little bit.

Sperm donor? I can't remember whether MN considers sperm donors as terrible things but it could be a back up for you.

@orangejuicer no back up plan. I don’t want to have to do that. I know it’s an option though. I think ideally I want to say to DP, I want to be living together by Xmas (he will be up for this I think) and then trying by next summer. If he is hesitant I will have to walk away. That itself is risky as I haven’t met anyone like him in the many years of dating. It’s horrible and stressful. I hate it.

But it sounds like you're ticking the checklist off until bingo you get to 'have a baby'
It all feels a bit forced not because you love him and are on the same page but because you're desperate for a baby

Living with someone for an extended period is the only way you really get to know them.

How can either of you really know if you want kids with each other, Before you've even moved in together?

Seems to me you're putting the cart before the horse.

@Cookiebox I do love him. Very much. He is so far everything I wanted in someone and I’ve dated a lot.

I have to agree with @2bazookas
This just doesn't make sense. You don't know a person until you live with them so how can you know you want kids with him.

I'm sorry but it really sounds like you want a kid. If he is everything surely you wouldn't be in a panic unable to communicate with him

Lots of good advice from other posters Op.

I hope my story adds a different perspective to your query.

I have chosen to go down the sperm donor route via IVF aged 39 (after a failed marriage and a subsequent two year relationship). I've been incredibly fortunate as everything has gone well in my pregnancy so far (16 weeks). I appreciate that most people follow a life script ie. meet a suitable partner who you love, get married, have children. And for some, it all goes to plan and for others, may be some or none of these stages come together.

Do you have a back up plan in case this relationship doesn't follow the suggested timeline? Would you be prepared to look into freezing your eggs (though it is recommended for women aged 35 under)? Or solo parenting via a sperm donor?

Fertility is complex, and until you start trying nobody can tell you if you'll be successful at conceiving, carrying and delivering a healthy baby. It can happen quickly or take a long time, or may not happen at all. Men's fertility also declines, so it is important to investigate the partner's sperm quality. Would you consider reproductive interventions and your partner? These are really important questions, but if you want a family, you'd need to know how far this other person is prepared to go to realise them (also difficult as abstract thoughts at the moment, until you are faced with this difficulty).

The issue is being in a relationship is unpredictable and what people say now and how they may feel in two year's time is a gamble. People do and are allowed to change their mind. Only retrospectively can someone say 'I knew they'd keep their promise' to whatever was agreed, equally if the promise wasn't fulfilled then they'd say 'well, they never meant it anyway'. Take agency with your fertility because it is finite.

I think at your respective ages things tend to move more quickly and if he is not open to ttc by next summer I honestly would walk away. I say this as someone who conceived in the first month of trying aged 39. I would not advise you to wait anywhere near as long as that, I really hate being this age with younger children. I would keep things cool but firm and lay your cards on the table. Don't mention your panic, just that you could see yourself with him long term and want children sooner rather than later.

Wishing you the best of luck, I hope he is a genuine good guy and hasn't got to 40 without children because he doesn't actually want them. I definitely agree you shouldn't go along with any plans to wait 2 years and review the situation.

I think that with the way you are feeling, the greater risk is in not talking than just being honest.
If it is such a big deal to you, you'd be hiding a huge piece of who you are
Just tell him what you've written here. That you like him a lot and that while you've always had a notion that you wanted children, being with him has made you see this as a real possibility.
I think you need to be clear that you see a this future with him (which it sounds like you do from what you have written) not just that you want him to provide the necessary for something you want regardless.
Maybe the fact this feels right is what is actually driving your panic because you now have the real fear of losing something tangible and not just a made up idea of the future?

I remember having conversations along the line of the fact that I wanted children and could they please do me the courtesy of telling me as soon as they realised there was no future to the relationship, as I didn’t have the luxury of time to just enjoy each other’s company if there was definitely no future. Of course if they weren’t sure yet, then no pressure but just to let me know as soon as they realise.

It seemed to work as an approach.

For your own peace of mind l would have this conversation now.
Because at least then you know where you stand.
I wouldn't put it off, your anxiety won't just go away. You should be able to feel it's ok to talk about things that are very important to you.
If he says wait two years could you maybe compromise? But who's to say he will say that? He may surprise you in an unexpected way.
My advice would be to be honest about how you are feeling, and don't feel ashamed or guilty. I once read "The urge to have a baby can be stronger than the urge to breath" .
Good luck, l really hope things work out for you both.

I always say this on these threads and its never welcome news, but...DH and I married at 31 and started trying straight away. It was already too late for us and after several years we finally adopted. Which is also great in its own way, But I wouldn't be doing you any favours in not making you aware that fertility is very much declining for certain people even in your early 30s. Its not that common, but its not that rare either. There are no right answers here obviously.

I’d have the conversation and lay out what you want to happen. If his plans don’t line up with yours, I’d leave.

I certainly wouldn’t be waiting to have the conversation. The sooner you know either way, the sooner you can try/leave and meet someone new.

@PizzaCrust

I’d have the conversation and lay out what you want to happen. If his plans don’t line up with yours, I’d leave.

I certainly wouldn’t be waiting to have the conversation. The sooner you know either way, the sooner you can try/leave and meet someone new.

But even if the OP leaves this man, whom she says she loves, lines up dates from the moment she says 'It's over' without giving herself time to grieve and move on mentally, and finds someone else fairly quickly (assuming a best-case scenario), it's still going to take a while for her to get any reasonable human being to the stage of a relationship where he will consider trying to conceive.

I mean, I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to want to live together for a bit and be surer of his feelings before having a baby.

I think that the OP needs to try to calm down about it in her own mind, not in case she scares off potential partners, but for her own sake -- because if she's crying about it now and lying awake every night, eight months into a relationship with a man she's pretty sure does want children, panic is likely to make her vulnerable to chancers and fuckwits, or anyone who says, early on 'Sure, let's move in together and start to make a baby.'

I get the anxiety, I really do, but I think if I were in your position I'd try to speed up moving in first - ideally by Autumn if possible. If all goes well there, I'd be inclined to have the chat about starting a family by the end of the year. It's tough to weigh up, but I believe that you don't really properly know if a relationship will work long term unless you live together first.
I don't know if this would help you or not, but a private test to check your AMH could be useful? I was thinking of doing this at 36 bu then got pregnant before. Friends who have had it done have had positive results from it in their later 30's and so have time. The article a PP mentioned is a good one. Obviously we're all different so a test of your specific fertility might be helpful

@MrsPsmalls

I always say this on these threads and its never welcome news, but...DH and I married at 31 and started trying straight away. It was already too late for us and after several years we finally adopted. Which is also great in its own way, But I wouldn't be doing you any favours in not making you aware that fertility is very much declining for certain people even in your early 30s. Its not that common, but its not that rare either. There are no right answers here obviously.

I'm sorry to hear that you had difficulties starting family, but what makes you think your issues were age-based?

Age is a factor in fertility , that's a fact. It doesn't mean all women will be affected but as you get older you have less eggs and tend to release more at the same time.
So you're more likely to conceive quicker if you're 16 and not 36.

Another fact is that if you are over weight or obese you lower your changes of conceiving, the same can be said for those under weight who don't have regular cycles.

I'm 38. I can't conceive because I have fertility issues. If these issues had been dealt with when I was younger I'd have more chance of conceiving. Therefore my age is a major factor.

Just to add to the more recent discussion above regarding age as a factor in fertility issues.

Absolutely it is. Any fertility clinic will confirm this using empirical evidence/stats etc.

Yes, we are all different and genetics plays a role in it. I was extremely lucky in that my ovarian reserve was above average (supported by AMH homone result as well), but I had a blocked fallopian tube (unknown to me before I started IVF), additional fertility issue. If I had my time again, I wouldn't have left it this late. I also used a sperm donor, and quality of donor sperm is excellent so that also influenced my outcome, no doubt.

Not only do women tend to have fewer eggs, than they had when they were younger, the remaining eggs could be/are more likely to be of poorer quality therefore it could take more cycles for a good egg to be released. Chromosomal abnormalities increase as the maternal age increases as does the rate of miscarriages.

I'm sorry to hear @cookibox and anyone who is experiencing fertility issues, it's such a difficult journey

*I was 39 at the start of my treatment

If you have the conversation with your DP and he says he wants to wait two years and won't budge, are you prepared to walk away regardless of how you feel about him? You then look for a new potential DP but have no idea how long that will take. You said it has taken you a long time to meet your DP and there's no guarantee that you will meet the right person in your timeframe. That two years could fly by and you could be no nearing having a relationship, let alone a baby. It has only been eight months and you're not even living together yet.

To be honest if I was in a relationship for eight months and the man started pressing to get me pregnant I would run a mile.

To be honest if I was in a relationship for eight months and the man started pressing to get me pregnant I would run a mile

Yes, I agree!

I got to 36 and I was desperate for a baby.
I met my now dh when I was nearly 37. Before this i had a fertility check, looked at egg freezing and committed to going the sperm donor route at 38.
I was (quite unlike me) clear with dh on my timescales from date 4. He had a totally different timescale! I explained about my biological clock and I didn’t have the luxury of his timescale. We fell in love and after 6 months I raised ttc again. We fell pg almost immediately. We moved in and got married soon after. Yes, it was a risk. I rarely take risks but I jumped. I knew I could be a single mum. I also knew we both wanted marriage, family etc and it could work. We both loved easy other a lot.
We have now struggled with multiple miscarriages after our first ds. We may not have another. You don’t always have the luxury of time.
Talk to him, he might be shocked to think you’ve been suffering like this. He might actually say yes- let’s move in and let’s start ttc. The worry may all be in your heads. Alternatively, he might not want the same things or in the same timescale, at least you know then and can plan accordingly. You’re burying your head in the sand at the moment and getting nowhere. Take the jump and talk to him. Good luck

I think you need to think about options in the event your relationship doesn't last or when you try to conceive it doesn't happen. It might help the panic subside and help you face up to the fact that, overwhelming though the desire for a baby can be, there are alternative ways to live your life.

So using a sperm donor and being a single parent (possibly meeting someone later), having fertility treatment, using a donated egg, adopting, being childless etc. I know you don't want to make any of these choices now, but they are possibilities and they could happen. And your life could be good in ways you don't expect.

Similar to an earlier poster, I married in my early 30s and began ttc soon after. Nothing happened. After a while we had investigations. Nothing was found so we went for fertility treatment. I did conceive but it was an ectopic pregnancy. We tried IVF several times and eventually gave up as my egg quality had declined and the chances were now too low. By then I was late 30s. We considered egg donation but my heart wasn't in it and I was fed up with medical interventions. I finally realised being a parent was more important to me than being the biological parent of my children, so we adopted in our 40s.

At the beginning I was terrified of being unable to conceive but once we had adopted all the feelings disappeared and I was immensely grateful to be a mother. I stopped grieving the loss of my biological children because I had found another way to fulfill my dreams.

So stop panicking, it may even put your bf off. Have a conversation when you are calm. Don't rush into anything inless it is truly right, because one day you will realise there is more ito life than having your own baby.

Life doesn't always work out how you want it to (and adoption isn't for everyone) but something that can seem earth shattering can be overcome

@MrsPsmalls it's extremely likely you would have faced exactly the same problem had you started trying at 25. There really isn't much decline at all between 20s and early 30s. What TTC early does is make it easier to identify any fertility issues so they can be sorted with plenty of time to spare, but it's very unlikely that someone who struggled to conceive naturally at just 31 would have had more success earlier.

@DoorFrameSal

One thing I just remembered is a while ago, few months back, we had a long car journey and were talking about all sorts of things. He said if it happened now at this stage in his life he’d be happy about it. Ie he wasn’t ready to plan for it just yet, but it was on his radar and he wouldn’t mind if it did. I remember thinking he must be open to it all then. But he can’t be as we are very careful with contraception, him too not just me. So it’s not like he can be that blase about it is it’

I think this sounds positive, OP. He's maybe being very careful because he doesn't want to get you pregnant when (he thinks) you don't want to be, he's being responsible. This is a good sign.

I think you should just have a chat with him about the baby. See how he thinks things are going. If you both feel like things are going really well, and you both think that you want to have children together, then think about moving in together soon and see how that goes. If it goes well, then start TTC in about 6 months.