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Original poster

Would you feel the same or am I being needy raising this?

80 replies

JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 09:53

I’m shit at expressing my needs in relationships. I tend to keep quiet and make sure the man is happy and will often put myself out for them etc. I’ve been working on all this in therapy.

Me and new man been seeing each other since last winter. I’m nearly 36 and we’ve talked about marriage and kids, as in that’s the aim if we carry on seeing each other. We’ve not put a timeframe on anything.

The other day I decided to discuss the topic of moving in. I said after a year or so I would want to think about us living together. He said he would feel the same but it would depend on his job as he’d want to be able to offer someone something settled. His job goes from contract to contract throughout the uk and it is nearly impossible to get a permanent contract, which is his aim. I said well I don’t think the job is relevant because I work from home mostly which means we could be flexible about where we live. I also said I don’t want to be waiting for him to find a permanent job before we live together, as that could go on for years and years. He just said that he wanted to know where we could be and that he didn’t know yet where he would be in the next six months. At this point (we’d both had drinks) I was upset and confused and just said let’s leave the topic for now, he said he missed me and we went off the phone.

I’m seeing him tomorrow and feel like I don’t know how to address this? Am I being unreasonable by wanting to discuss it again? Am I causing unnecessary drama? I feel weird that he would say this about work and as if our relationship sort of depends on his job?! Also, if he was to get a contract Mike’s away, for me that’s even more reason to move in. Don’t know if it’s relevant but DP is diagnosed with being on the spectrum. He’s extremely high functioning though. Usually when we have a direct chat we get to the bottom of things but this has thrown me a bit. Would you feel the same?

OP posts:
Original poster
JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 09:54

Miles away not Mike!

OP posts:
Chikapu · 04/07/2021 10:07

How long have you been seeing each other? It does seem sensible to take into consideration what his employment situation will be before committing to moving in though I understand that's not exactly romantic.

Original poster
JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 10:12

@Chikapu seeing each other since November. I don’t see why his employment is relevant... why would the dictate whether we move in, when I work from home?

He seems to have a similar outlook to you, I’d be really interested to understand your view better please!

OP posts:
LemonTT · 04/07/2021 10:13

I think it was a mistake to have the first conversation on the phone. However you did and he gave you his answer and why. He isn’t ready and he wants to wait until for sox months or until he has a permanent contract. Those are practical not romantic reasons for not wanting to live with you.

The question you need to ask is why you aren’t accepting them. What difference will another conversation have in making him want to live with you.

Be prepared for the realisation that the reason is just that he doesn’t feel the same way and that this is an emotional decision. Which it should be first and foremost.

The next conversation should be about the impact of that decision on you. If you are hurt and disappointed tell him. If this is a deal breaker tell him but mean it. That’s not being needy it is being assertive. But you need to listen to him any respect his answer even if that means splitting up.

TokyoSushi · 04/07/2021 10:16

Don't have another conversation, just leave it for now. You're obviously not quite on the same page and if discussing it is causing upset, I wouldn't revisit the subject just at the moment. Since last November isn't really that long.

Original poster
JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 10:17

@LemonTT he said he definitely wanted all of that and that he would be thinking of it too by the time we’ve been seeing each other over a year. Him saying he wants to know where he will be (could be anywhere) or that he wants a permanent contract (could be years away or never), seems a strange thing to raise as a reason why we couldn’t?

OP posts:
Honeybeebloom · 04/07/2021 10:17

If you work from home and so can work anywhere, I can understand why he would want to wait for a permanent job to come up. Have you discussed whether you would stay where you are currently? If his job is all over, and so he could potentially get a permanent contract anywhere, maybe he wants to stay flexible to be able to take up a contract anywhere, should a permanent one come up somewhere then that would be where he would intend to move to and live. That's the way I would think he might be looking at it.

LemonTT · 04/07/2021 10:18

Ok the OP implied over a year. However you have only been seeing each other since November. That’s less than a year and includes a three month lockdown and him working away.

The timing is far too soon for a lot of people. I’d just accept his answer.

Original poster
JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 10:18

@Honeybeebloom

If you work from home and so can work anywhere, I can understand why he would want to wait for a permanent job to come up. Have you discussed whether you would stay where you are currently? If his job is all over, and so he could potentially get a permanent contract anywhere, maybe he wants to stay flexible to be able to take up a contract anywhere, should a permanent one come up somewhere then that would be where he would intend to move to and live. That's the way I would think he might be looking at it.
@Honeybeebloom yes that’s exactly how he sees it but I’m just not sure why, if he’s being honest that he wants us to live together, that his location would be an issue? Surely we just move together and I login where we are to do work and rent my house out?
OP posts:
BrownEyedGirl80 · 04/07/2021 10:19

Offer "someone" something.He should of said you.

Original poster
JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 10:19

@LemonTT I suggested we do it after his current contact ends which ends in March. So we would have been together nearly 18 months by then.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 04/07/2021 10:20

He is perhaps taking the practical view that asking someone to uproot their lives to move in and then needing to do it again six months later and then possibly again….. is a big ask that could take a huge toll on a fairly new relationship. Have you really through what you would be giving up to follow his unstable job around? Family? Friends? Etc
It’s also not an ideal situation for a family.
He’s either not ready and making excuses or thinking more long term and trying to get it right.

Original poster
JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 10:22

@Smartiepants79

He is perhaps taking the practical view that asking someone to uproot their lives to move in and then needing to do it again six months later and then possibly again….. is a big ask that could take a huge toll on a fairly new relationship. Have you really through what you would be giving up to follow his unstable job around? Family? Friends? Etc It’s also not an ideal situation for a family. He’s either not ready and making excuses or thinking more long term and trying to get it right.
@Smartiepants79 yes I’ve thought about all that. I love him and want to make it work with him. I knew from day one what I was signing up to with his job so it has always been the case that I knew if things progressed then it would be me who would have to be flexible. I am able to do that with my work so it makes sense.
OP posts:
Original poster
JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 10:24

He’s 40 so I almost feel he would be really up for it and trying to make it work if he wanted to.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 04/07/2021 10:25

[quote JacketPotas]@LemonTT he said he definitely wanted all of that and that he would be thinking of it too by the time we’ve been seeing each other over a year. Him saying he wants to know where he will be (could be anywhere) or that he wants a permanent contract (could be years away or never), seems a strange thing to raise as a reason why we couldn’t?[/quote]
People say a lot of romantic things at the start of a relationship. Some of it is meant and some of it is just what they think is expected. We all know the person wants to hear about love and commitment not a career plan.

Plus new relationships are awash with infatuation. Once that lifts people see things more practically and it tests whether they are really into the person they are with and if they are compatible.

Right now he isn’t ready. He has told you that. Accept it by either leaving him or waiting for his commitment to grow.

Original poster
JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 10:27

@LemonTT he’s not told me that though. He’s said he wants to by that point but then raised the issue of where he would be based. That’s not him being clear and saying he’s not ready, if that’s the case.

OP posts:
Willwebebuyingnumber11 · 04/07/2021 10:27

You’ve answered the question yourself - if he wanted to.

My nans favourite saying - if you want something you’ll find a way, if you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.

Paddling654 · 04/07/2021 10:27

It seems very early in the relationship to be discussing this, especially over the phone.

When you're willing to give up a lot to be with someone, it puts a strain on them too sometimes and unbalances things. Your willingness to travel and be constantly uprooted for him doesn't necessarily mean he wants you to do that for him. It would require him to be all things to you and he would probably feel under increased pressure to get something permanent sorted asap. It may be that he just doesn't want the living together without building a life on equal terms in a stable position. I would understand that.

Original poster
JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 10:29

@Paddling654 yes I can see that. Maybe it’s that then. I’m just not sure at 36 I can afford to get to March and then wait another six months on a foreseeable basis with nothing changing?

OP posts:
AnImposter · 04/07/2021 10:31

@Willwebebuyingnumber11

You’ve answered the question yourself - if he wanted to.

My nans favourite saying - if you want something you’ll find a way, if you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.

I think your grandma is very wise Grin
Paddling654 · 04/07/2021 10:33

I see your difficulty. No you don't have that kind of time but it's still early days to reasonably ask him to know if he wants to move in regardless of his work. A tricky one. How much do you like him?

Honeybeebloom · 04/07/2021 10:33

Honeybeebloom yes that’s exactly how he sees it but I’m just not sure why, if he’s being honest that he wants us to live together, that his location would be an issue? Surely we just move together and I login where we are to do work and rent my house out?

If he has high - functioning ASD he may not see this as an obvious way to look at it the way that you do. For him the thought of moving in together may be an act of settling down. So while you're seeing it as settling with a person, and so you see no issue with then moving somewhere else together (which is how I would also see it), he might see settling down together as being finding your 'place'. For people with ASD it can be hard for them to be flexible in their thinking and the way he is viewing this is possibly part of that.

Original poster
JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 10:35

@Paddling654 we’ve said we love each other. I really love him. We spend Saturday to Wednesday together at the moment. There’s no issues in the same place, we get on fine. I don’t think I can stay with him though if the development of our relationship depends on his job, when in reality, it doesn’t have to be like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 10:36

@Honeybeebloom yes he said that! He said he imagines settling down as finding the right place together. That was what he said. That’s when things got heated as I said a relationship isn’t like that, it’s the person not the circumstances of day to day life. That’s when I said we should go off the phone and we said goodnight.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/07/2021 10:40

Op, he’s given you his answer. It’s not about his work he’s not ready yet which is fully understandable as you’ve only been together a few months, I’d get it if it was a couple of years, but it’s not. And you using the excuse of your age to push it is no different to him using his job to push back. However the message is clear from both of you

It’s too early op, listen to him.

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