Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Would you feel the same or am I being needy raising this?

80 replies

JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 09:53

I’m shit at expressing my needs in relationships. I tend to keep quiet and make sure the man is happy and will often put myself out for them etc. I’ve been working on all this in therapy.

Me and new man been seeing each other since last winter. I’m nearly 36 and we’ve talked about marriage and kids, as in that’s the aim if we carry on seeing each other. We’ve not put a timeframe on anything.

The other day I decided to discuss the topic of moving in. I said after a year or so I would want to think about us living together. He said he would feel the same but it would depend on his job as he’d want to be able to offer someone something settled. His job goes from contract to contract throughout the uk and it is nearly impossible to get a permanent contract, which is his aim. I said well I don’t think the job is relevant because I work from home mostly which means we could be flexible about where we live. I also said I don’t want to be waiting for him to find a permanent job before we live together, as that could go on for years and years. He just said that he wanted to know where we could be and that he didn’t know yet where he would be in the next six months. At this point (we’d both had drinks) I was upset and confused and just said let’s leave the topic for now, he said he missed me and we went off the phone.

I’m seeing him tomorrow and feel like I don’t know how to address this? Am I being unreasonable by wanting to discuss it again? Am I causing unnecessary drama? I feel weird that he would say this about work and as if our relationship sort of depends on his job?! Also, if he was to get a contract Mike’s away, for me that’s even more reason to move in. Don’t know if it’s relevant but DP is diagnosed with being on the spectrum. He’s extremely high functioning though. Usually when we have a direct chat we get to the bottom of things but this has thrown me a bit. Would you feel the same?

OP posts:

Paddling654 · 04/07/2021 10:40

I don't know what else you can do but let it roll for another six months or so but on the understanding that there needs to be a clear decision at that point, whether it's him changing his ideas of what it means to be together more or you both accepting that the timing isn't right for this.

Original poster

JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 10:41

@Bluntness100 I feel like he should just say that to me then? Not say he is wondering where he will be based?

OP posts:

Original poster

JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 10:42

@Paddling654 I’m just not sure I can do that. Maybe I need to go back to online dating and treat this more casually. He either wants to give things a go or he doesn’t... 15 months into a relationship at 40 would seem significant enough to me to know.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 04/07/2021 10:45

Then ask him at 15 months, you’re pressurising him to commit to living with you in the future, seven months in. It is too much.

layladomino · 04/07/2021 10:46

I think it's way too soon to be talking about moving in together. If it was a straightforward move then maybe for some that would be OK, but if there's a risk of having to keep uprooting and moving for work, I wouldn't want to commit to all that upheaval for something that's currently only 8 months in. I think your bf is very sensible.

What is the rush? You mention your age which makes me think perhaps you're thinking of the future possibility of children. All the more reason to be sure you're doing the right thing (and not potentially wasting time on someone who doesn't want the same things). So timescales for getting married and having children should be discussed before timescales for moving in together.

But at 8 months, can't you just enjoy the dating and the fun of an early relationship? You only get one chance to enjoy that time when you can just enjoy each other, before the reality of shared bills / washing / workload / humdrum of life comes along? It's also the time to get to know each other properly, and to check you are really right for each other. Rush that bit at your peril.

Honeybeebloom · 04/07/2021 10:47

My EXH was very rigid in his thinking (my mum is convinced that he has undiagnosed ASD) and I get how hard it is. In all honesty it's what led to me leaving in the end because it felt like it stopped us from truly living our lives. Initially I would just accept it as the way saw things because I just couldn't get him to see things from my perspective at all. Looking back I feel like I didn't really live my life the way I wanted to for much of our time together, but I just accepted it at the time because I loved him.

One of the issues we had was about where we would live. He had really set ideas on this which I would find really frustrating and difficult. The 10 years we were together I would always hope that maybe we would get to do it the way I saw in the future, but I left when I eventually realised that I was waiting for a future that was never going to happen, and losing years of my life while doing so. Just be very careful you don't end up in that same situation as me.

Original poster

JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 10:47

@Bluntness100

Then ask him at 15 months, you’re pressurising him to commit to living with you in the future, seven months in. It is too much.

@Bluntness100 I didn’t pressure him. I said this is what I would want at that stage if things carry on as they have. I don’t think his answer that he feels the same but what about his temporary contacts is one I can accept, as his always has temporary contracts and has done for years...

OP posts:

Dillydollydingdong · 04/07/2021 10:47

I think you need to slow down. Eight months is no time at all. I see my man Saturday to Wednesday as well and we've been together since March 2020. We're both happy to continue like this as long as it takes. What's the hurry? Do you want children? Does he?

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/07/2021 10:48

He doesn’t want to. If he did he would be making it happen, the job thing is a red herring. Sorry op

Original poster

JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 10:50

@Honeybeebloom the rigid thinking is very much what he is like in general. Sorry you had such a difficult experience.

@layladomino I guess in some ways I wanted to mention it now as if he gets a contact 300 miles away, and we don’t move in, that’s a huge step back? It’s just so simple to me as I love him and we enjoy time together. He gives the same impression and says the same back.

OP posts:

TedMullins · 04/07/2021 10:54

[quote JacketPotas]@Paddling654 I’m just not sure I can do that. Maybe I need to go back to online dating and treat this more casually. He either wants to give things a go or he doesn’t... 15 months into a relationship at 40 would seem significant enough to me to know.[/quote]
That’s you. There’s nothing wrong with your way of thinking but it isn’t universal to everyone, it’s your opinion. He’s told you settling down to him means having a permanent base and choosing a home together, and for whatever reason he doesn’t want to and isn’t ready to deviate from this. Maybe it is purely the job issue, maybe he isn’t yet sure of the relationship, maybe you’re more into him than he is you. You need to be assertive about what you want, and if that’s making plans to move in together in 6 months time, tell him that, but if he refuses you need to accept that, because as frustrating as it is, you can’t force him to feel the same as you.

Smartiepants79 · 04/07/2021 11:05

I think, given the ASD that is part of who he is, you need to accept that his brain thinks differently than yours.
That’s never going to change.
You have to work out if you can work around him or if it’s just not going to work.
He is always going to struggle to see things from your point of view, he is always going to struggle to change his opinions. Being challenged on those opinions is likely to cause anxiety and conflict.
Now, many relationships thrive in the same situation but you have to go in with your eyes open.
Read and learn about ASD would be my advice.

Chamomileteaplease · 04/07/2021 11:08

And next time, whenever that is, have the conversation in person, not on the phone! .

Mountaingoatling · 04/07/2021 11:13

Why do you want to push someone to live with you, who doesn't want to yet? I think that's the question at the heart of it.

layladomino · 04/07/2021 11:13

I hear what you're saying. Could you start a discussion from that point of view? Like - 'How do you see our r'ship working if we end up 300 miles away due to work?'.

Original poster

JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 11:15

@Mountaingoatling I don’t. But he’s not said he doesn’t want to live with me. He’s said he doesn’t know how it would work because of his job. Incidentally, he said the same thing when I suggested we stay over together in the week. He now very much enjoys that and encourages it.

It’s not as simple as him saying he didn’t want to. If hed said that then I would be clear about this.

OP posts:

Original poster

JacketPotas · 04/07/2021 11:15

@layladomino yeah I could do. Maybe that’s better. I don’t know whether to leave it a day or so before bringing it up? Staying with him from tomorrow to Thursday.

OP posts:

SpiderInTheBathroom · 04/07/2021 11:16

I'm autistic. Your description of him as very high functioning is, as I have often read it explained, more a reflection of how the NT people around you experience your autism rather than how the autistic person experiences it themselves. He will experience his 'traits' just as any other autistic person does.

It makes sense to me that he wants to wait until his job is more secure.

One of the characteristics of autism is a difficulty/inability to he able to imagine the future. I find it hard to plan for the following day or week because I can't imagine what it will look like or predict what will happen so I have a rough idea of what I want to do but don't fill in the details until I get there. I don't like making plans because I worry about letting people down if something goes wrong. I have autistic friends who are similar to me and others who micromanage their lives but it all.comes from the same place. I'd have no chance imagining 7 months into the future.

If he can't imagine 7 months into the future then he is hanging onto the one thing he has decided is his certainty - a permanent job. That's his security. Like sitting in the same chair or doing things at the same time each day or in the same order or wearing the same colour clothes or only wearing one style of dress and owning several of them (me). It helps to bring order to a world that can be unfathomable and chaotic in your head. It's one thing where I don't have to think about it or get it wrong or try and fathom it out. He has decided he wants a permanent job before he can live with someone and that makes sense to him. And he probably decided this long before you came along (which is why it is OK for him to sat 'someone' and not 'you' because this is a rule for him that pre-dated you.)

It would be incredibly cruel of you to push him on this.

Sssloou · 04/07/2021 11:20

What’s his relationship history?

How many people has he committed to living with before and why did those relationships end?

Past behaviour is a good prediction of future behaviour.

SpiderInTheBathroom · 04/07/2021 11:22

@layladomino

I hear what you're saying. Could you start a discussion from that point of view? Like - 'How do you see our r'ship working if we end up 300 miles away due to work?'.

He's unlikely to be able to answer this.

Most autistic people i know would answer I don't know or it'll be fine or similar either because it's difficult to imagine the scenario, the problem or the solution.

ThePurplePalace · 04/07/2021 11:27

I think it’s a bit soon to say you’re happy to move anywhere when you’ve only known each other 7 months. What about your life/friends/family/lifestyle?

I think he’s given you an honest answer & the conversation is over for now.

layladomino · 04/07/2021 11:31

Maybe don't make it the first thing you mention. Then when you've relaxed in each others' company you could approach it from 'sorry I was a bit full-on the other day. It would help to have an idea of how you see things panning out if you end up working 300 miles away, to see if that fits with my thoughts?'.

Smartiepants79 · 04/07/2021 11:45

@ThePurplePalace

I think it’s a bit soon to say you’re happy to move anywhere when you’ve only known each other 7 months. What about your life/friends/family/lifestyle?

I think he’s given you an honest answer & the conversation is over for now.

I also completely agree with this. You’re very blasé about this but moving to be with him is about so many more things than just work.

Iggi999 · 04/07/2021 11:52

You said you wanted kids. I don't think at 35 this is the relationship for you if that is your end game - if it takes a long time to move in together, how much time do you think it will take for him to be ready to try for a baby?

LemonTT · 04/07/2021 11:56

It’s not so much that you are needy but that you aren’t listening. To him or to the people explaining it to you.

Don’t have conversations if you are not prepared to listen. They just turn into arguments. Right now you are coming across as a dog with a bone.

This isn’t a difficult situation to understand. He thinks the time isn’t right. He told you this and why. People here have told you why. This is about you not him.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread