Would you feel the same or am I being needy raising this?

[JacketPotas]

I’m shit at expressing my needs in relationships. I tend to keep quiet and make sure the man is happy and will often put myself out for them etc. I’ve been working on all this in therapy.

Me and new man been seeing each other since last winter. I’m nearly 36 and we’ve talked about marriage and kids, as in that’s the aim if we carry on seeing each other. We’ve not put a timeframe on anything.

The other day I decided to discuss the topic of moving in. I said after a year or so I would want to think about us living together. He said he would feel the same but it would depend on his job as he’d want to be able to offer someone something settled. His job goes from contract to contract throughout the uk and it is nearly impossible to get a permanent contract, which is his aim. I said well I don’t think the job is relevant because I work from home mostly which means we could be flexible about where we live. I also said I don’t want to be waiting for him to find a permanent job before we live together, as that could go on for years and years. He just said that he wanted to know where we could be and that he didn’t know yet where he would be in the next six months. At this point (we’d both had drinks) I was upset and confused and just said let’s leave the topic for now, he said he missed me and we went off the phone.

I’m seeing him tomorrow and feel like I don’t know how to address this? Am I being unreasonable by wanting to discuss it again? Am I causing unnecessary drama? I feel weird that he would say this about work and as if our relationship sort of depends on his job?! Also, if he was to get a contract Mike’s away, for me that’s even more reason to move in. Don’t know if it’s relevant but DP is diagnosed with being on the spectrum. He’s extremely high functioning though. Usually when we have a direct chat we get to the bottom of things but this has thrown me a bit. Would you feel the same?

I think the question is does he think it’s nearly impossible for him to find permanent work? Or does he think he will achieve it?

Tbh this is his lifestyle, he could move all over the place for years and he's telling you he will prioritise that over settling down where you are now, it's a gamble to wait a year to find out he's moving away and doesn't want you going with him. If he doesn't seem excited about you going with him then it's probably only going to be a temporary relationship, will explain why he's not settled with anyone so far.
You need to think about yourself more, what you want from a relationship, don't be so flexible adapting to their needs, if he really wants you then he'll make sure you feel confident about your future together.

@JacketPotas

Those mentioning money, without meaning to sound like a dick, I have no money worries whatsoever. I don’t need to work but I enjoy it so I do. DP doesn’t know how much I have. Maybe telling him would help with the stability *@MzMaria* ?

I would ask him if he's worried about stability because he's concerned about money. If he says yes, you could then reassure him that you have enough of a nest egg that he wouldn't need to work to support you (and therefore could focus on finding a permanent job rather than chaining together contracts).

It might help but if he has a traditional mindset he will want to be the breadwinner regardless of your assets 🙈

I'd say the best way to voice what's causing your more rushed attitude is probably to sit him down and talk him through the statistics you're looking at. As you get older, it's harder to get pregnant, harder on you and harder to squeeze in multiples if you want them (though twin chance goes up a bit).

He might understand then why you are pushing for something sooner, so that you don't miss out on having a family together / have to go through IVF or other treatments / have a lower risk of abnormalities etc.

That discussion might also reveal how ready he is for kids, how many he wants and so on, and give you a good idea if this is the man for you or not.

There's nothing wrong with breaking up because he wants to wait too long or isn't on the same page with how many kids you want. It'll be hard but better in the long term.

I would say, if you're then trying to find someone to have a baby with... It might be better to look for a coparenting situation rather than a relationship.

If you're financially settled, it can be a better relationship as you're both upfront about having kids and how you parent etc etc. Far less complicated than rushing to find an ideal partner and somehow dropping in you want kids and gauging how they feel about it.

Ofc Mr Right really could be right on your doorstep, so it's good to keep all options open 😅

@Honeybeebloom

My EXH was very rigid in his thinking (my mum is convinced that he has undiagnosed ASD) and I get how hard it is. In all honesty it's what led to me leaving in the end because it felt like it stopped us from truly living our lives. Initially I would just accept it as the way saw things because I just couldn't get him to see things from my perspective at all. Looking back I feel like I didn't really live my life the way I wanted to for much of our time together, but I just accepted it at the time because I loved him.

One of the issues we had was about where we would live. He had really set ideas on this which I would find really frustrating and difficult. The 10 years we were together I would always hope that maybe we would get to do it the way I saw in the future, but I left when I eventually realised that I was waiting for a future that was never going to happen, and losing years of my life while doing so. Just be very careful you don't end up in that same situation as me.

I was also in a relationship of 6 years, 2 of which married, to a man who I suspect has undiagnosed ASD. I also felt that for much of our time together, I didn't really live my life the way I wanted to. It was impossible to make any plans with him because he kept changing the goalposts. Initially I thought we'd get to things the way I wanted to, just like the poster above, but I also realised that I was waiting for a future that would never happen.

Divorcing him was the best thing I did because I finally got to sort out my career, housing and the issue of having a child/family all within 4 years after leaving him, my way. He is still 'finding himself' and keeps changing his own goalposts frequently.

Honestly I think he just doesn't want to tnow and also isn't sure he will want to in the future. Unfortunately it's that simple. It's a lack of commitment.