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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just told my husband I want to separate

82 replies

Kione · 03/07/2021 18:23

Please hold my hand.
It's been a boring non-existing relationship for years. I tried before but he convinced me to stay.
I want to enjoy life.
I am scared of the pain.
Got two kids. Terrified at how they will take it.

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 03/07/2021 18:24

All the best

BitsAndBaubles · 03/07/2021 18:26

No.helpful advice but sending a hug

Sillawithans · 03/07/2021 18:30

I felt lik this op and it wasn't half as bad as i thought it would be.

DoingItMyself · 03/07/2021 18:32

You're going to be free. Hold on to that thought. Good luck.

Original poster
Kione · 03/07/2021 18:36

Thank you all

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/07/2021 19:34

Imagine if this is all we get, just the one life. No afterlife, no nothing.
And you've wasted it on a marriage like this, your youth drained away and only a retirement with someone like this to look forward to.
I've seen it and it is as horrible as it sounds, one partner breathing a sigh of relief when the other dies because they spent their life in a boring non marriage.
Run like hell.

Eloisedublin123 · 03/07/2021 19:51

Well done OP x

oak55 · 03/07/2021 20:14

We've been married for 15 years and like any marraige we've had our ups and downs..I have been married before with Ex in another country and child who is now 21..This has been a sensitive topic over the years hence our ups and downs..Over the past few years it's gotten a bit intense as my daughter has finished school and has been more in contact now than the earlier years of her life..
I'll be 50 this year and my wife 42, i love her to bits and will do anything for her...We've made a life for ourselves here and are happy with own home and myself working from home and my wife works close by in the area...

We've reached a point now where she has asked me to completely forget, disown, my child and have no contact with my ex even if it is to do with my daughter..who is 21 and not working, extremely difficult to get a job but also does not help the fact that she did not do well in school so that makes it more difficult and with the current pandemic and recent restrictions in that country it's now twice as hard to find work..
The problem is that i buy her toiletries, monthly airtime (if needed) and a small allowance..if anything is needed then i pay online so as to not deposit any monies which is another long story..My wife seems to think this is going to go on forever
My past has made her bitter and resentfull..I think shes correct

We can be so good together and after our last arguement/disagreement, whatever you want to call it, i seriously thought/assumed that was the last...
I try my best and have done not to let my past come into my marraige but my wife is obsessed with every detail that goes on with them..
Sadly this is the major contributor to our problems

I'm just reaching out to others who are in a similar type of situation or thoughts, advice regarding the subject

At my wits end

(sorry for the long post)

oak55 · 03/07/2021 20:15

sorry this supposed to be a new thread

prettypinkflamingo · 03/07/2021 20:16

Well done! The relief when you've said it out loud is amazing! Good luck with it all from now

Original poster
Kione · 03/07/2021 20:31

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Imagine if this is all we get, just the one life. No afterlife, no nothing. And you've wasted it on a marriage like this, your youth drained away and only a retirement with someone like this to look forward to. I've seen it and it is as horrible as it sounds, one partner breathing a sigh of relief when the other dies because they spent their life in a boring non marriage. Run like hell.
Wow that is quite shocking but true. Thanks you.
OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 03/07/2021 20:31

He is back, kids are in so pretending everything is normal. But I don't want to loose momentum. I want a life.

OP posts:
Eloisedublin123 · 03/07/2021 21:32

How old are the kids OP

Original poster
Kione · 03/07/2021 21:37

11 and 4

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 03/07/2021 21:37

Do you have a job, OP? What would happen to the family home?

Original poster
Kione · 03/07/2021 21:38

@DoingItMyself

You're going to be free. Hold on to that thought. Good luck.
So amazing to think that I will be free
OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 03/07/2021 21:40

@HollowTalk

Do you have a job, OP? What would happen to the family home?
I have a good job. Am not worried about the family home. I never liked it. Mortgage paid by husband. The only plus point of the house is location for kids school. But I don't care if he wants to keep it.
OP posts:
OnlyMsLonely · 03/07/2021 21:43

Brace yourself for a bumpy ride. But make a mental note of how you're feeling right now (ie wanting freedom) and when you hit a low point (because there will be some) remind yourself of that freedom ahead.

Well done for taking that first step!

Footle · 03/07/2021 21:44

@oak55 , I've reported your post so MNHQ can help you put it in the right place.

RachelHRD · 03/07/2021 21:48

I'm 2.5 years on from this and happier than I've been in years. My kids (11 & 13) have coped very well with it.
My ex was devastated even though it was glaring obvious it was needed. But he's been in another relationship for 2 years and is also happier.
It's a tough thing to do but you've done the hardest bit. Take care of yourself.

oak55 · 03/07/2021 22:13

Thank you Footle

HelpWendy · 03/07/2021 22:46

This is me! Same situation and same timing as you, reading all the helpful comments too.

Went to view a house today, it is real.

I think one of the posters is right, jot down some of your feelings so you can refer back to them. I've had to sometimes as doubt can creep in out of nowhere and set you back.

Am in the thick of it right now, a marraige that just simply baffled me from very early days for the same reasons as you, no joy or conversation, but two wonderful children who are beginning to absorb the vibe and I REALLY do not want that for them.

Will watch out for your updates x

Original poster
Kione · 04/07/2021 06:43

Thank you for the reassuring comments.
He is still in denial, thinking I will change my mind. That's really hard, having to justify and explain myself constantly

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 04/07/2021 06:44

@HelpWendy

This is me! Same situation and same timing as you, reading all the helpful comments too.

Went to view a house today, it is real.

I think one of the posters is right, jot down some of your feelings so you can refer back to them. I've had to sometimes as doubt can creep in out of nowhere and set you back.

Am in the thick of it right now, a marraige that just simply baffled me from very early days for the same reasons as you, no joy or conversation, but two wonderful children who are beginning to absorb the vibe and I REALLY do not want that for them.

Will watch out for your updates x

Good luck! I would like you to stay on the thread please! To keep me focused! I really don't want to pedaled back again
OP posts:
PandasCatsWolves · 04/07/2021 06:57

Think carefully about why give buys you out of the family gone or it's sold.

My ex bought me out. It's weird. Eldest considers it home despite living with me more. They try not to show it.

I have to go there all the time and it's frankly very unhelpful in the moving on process. In hindsight, I'd have insisted we sold it.

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