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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just told my husband I want to separate

82 replies

Kione · 03/07/2021 18:23

Please hold my hand.
It's been a boring non-existing relationship for years. I tried before but he convinced me to stay.
I want to enjoy life.
I am scared of the pain.
Got two kids. Terrified at how they will take it.

OP posts:
SVRT19674 · 15/07/2021 10:15

@oak55 If my partner told me to disown my daughter i would tell him to take a long walk of a long pier. That is disgraceful. To be honest that comment would colour how I saw that person in the future. Quite frankly I don´t see why you are doubting. Time to disown someone? Disown partner.

LifeIsStillGoodRegardless · 01/08/2021 23:00

Hi to all for posting. My husband of 30 years told me 2 months ago that he wanted to separate. To say I was devastated would be an understatement and I turned into THAT woman who begged and pleaded for him to change his mind and stay. I truly believed I loved him enough for the both of us and that the force of my love would bring us through this and back to the life that we both wanted, and the future that we had both planned for, right up to the day before he told me he wanted to seperate!!! He constantly told me he loved me and didn’t want this to happen and that he would do anything to stop it, but that meant doing anything other than trying and spending every moment he could away from me with his ‘younger’ mates , yep screams mid life crisis I know!! But 2 months on I can honestly say that yes it is the right decision. Reflecting back on the last 3 years of our lives he has emotionally and physically withdrawn from our relationship, and to my great regret I allowed this to happen, albeit from a different perspective!! I also found out he has cheated on me in the last 3 years, but that because it wasn’t recent it has no bearing on our current situation, but even though I became increasingly jealous I still thought that our relationship was worth fighting for, and yes I know, not sure why I did but I did try to forgive him this too. I truly believed that if you love each other enough then anything is workable :) Self reflection can be a blessing and a curse but I can now admit that separating is the best thing for both of us, he is selfish, self absorbed and a coward in every sense of the word but he has also given me 2 beautiful children, who despite our dysfunctional recent history are now starting life on their own terms and succeeding 😊. The past 30 years have not been all awful either, but tonight we went out for a drink as friends and I can honestly say that for the first time in 30 years he did not make me laugh, I did not find him attractive and realised that apart from the children and our home we have absolutely nothing in common whatsoever. Tonight I am genuinely at peace with his decision and am looking forward to accepting the challenges of the opportunities he has given me as a 50 year old woman who although not financially well off, am in a far better position than a lot of women who are going through this with far less financial and family freedom. He is buying me out of the family home which is allowing me to be mortgage free going forward while he is now tied into a 15 year mortgage and living in the house that I decorated and designed lol. I have also just booked a holiday of a lifetime to India with a solo travel specialist company, whilst he won’t leave the county we live in, and I’ve just joined a local meet up group where I can explore and enjoy all the interesting stuff that I love and have given up to spend time with him as he really was enough for me, this apparently made ME boring and predictable. So am I bitter, of course I am, but am I happy yes I truly am. Emotionally I know I am not always going to feel as strong as I do tonight but that’s okay, I have the rest of my life to look forward to and am willing to accept whatever life is now going to throw at me. Thank you for sticking with me to the end of this post, and sending positive thoughts and love to all of those going through this horrible experience, both male and female, we will make it 😊

Itstimetoquit · 02/08/2021 23:50

How are you op x

IndieTara · 03/08/2021 00:09

Hope it went ok with your daughter

Kione · 03/08/2021 15:32

Hi all, it's going ok. Daughter was very upset for a bit, shocked, but she is excited now as she can see the benefits - I think.
I have the keys to the new place and am moving, I am a little scared about telling the 4 year old and our first night here...

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 03/08/2021 15:36

The one thing I wished I'd done when I divorced was to make sure the old family home was sold. Years after the courts still liked this link to the family home, even if the children had lived somewhere else for longer. If you want to separate, sell and both buy something new.

Kione · 03/08/2021 17:38

I am separating and I am going to rent, that decision is made

OP posts:
ElectricMistofelees · 03/08/2021 19:21

I’m currently sat in a hot having left today. Picking the kid up tomorrow for a holiday home and then……not sure. Sounds like similar reasons to you. I have no words of advice but I’m out there x

ElectricMistofelees · 03/08/2021 19:22

Sorry *hotel

Kione · 03/08/2021 21:26

@ElectricMistofelees best of luck.
I am taking my 4 year old to the new house tomorrow and tell him it's his other house.
Possibly staying the night on Thursday and I will be back here to pick things but I don't want to sleep here anymore.
Today has been exhausting and I feel down, but I am still excited

OP posts:
Matthew4 · 03/08/2021 21:45

Try not to be influenced by other people this is your life. (Speaking from experience).

ElectricMistofelees · 04/08/2021 07:42

@Kione best of luck to you too. Not sure where mine’s going to end but I have a break for this week at least!

Hopateechu · 04/08/2021 10:56

Hi,
I am new here. OP you are brave.
I want to tell my husband but don't have courage. Don't know how to tell.

Happy that you moving on. Excited.for you. Al the best.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/08/2021 11:45

I didn't see your thread when you first started it, so it's probably a bit late for this comment, but may at least help others who are going through similar.

They always promise the earth when you're about to leave. All those things you were begging for over the years, suddenly they can find it in themselves to do it after all. Instead of this being a reason to stay, I regard it as double reason to go. He knew what you wanted all this time but just wouldn't go there, although it made you miserable. Now he is prepared to do it because he will lose out if he doesn't. Does that sound like a partner who really cares about you as a person, about your needs and happiness? Or like a deeply selfish person who will do just enough to keep his lifestyle intact?

I was unimpressed with the plan to drag a dog into this, too. A living creature with its own feelings and needs, and the emotions of the children who will likely grow to love it, being used as a tether to keep an unwilling wife in place. That's what that's all about.

Once before you were going to leave and were persuaded not to: what changed? Why are you still dissatisfied if he learned from his mistakes and at least honestly tried to improve? And what will improve long-term if you stayed again? I am so glad to hear you weren't fooled a second time.

Hope your new home is full of joy and love. I expect the STBX will find a new housekeeper soon enough.

HelpWendy · 04/08/2021 11:54

Good woman. You’re keeping me going too. Though I’m not as far a long as you. I absolutely commend your bravery and clarity. X

Kione · 04/08/2021 18:59

Thanks for all the messages, they are really encouraging.
The thing is, he didn't improve for long and I realized that even his best version of himself is not good for me.
When we started I was infatuated and didn't realized that.

OP posts:
Kione · 04/08/2021 19:00

@HelpWendy I think the clarity comes from wishing for this for a long long time

OP posts:
Dozer · 04/08/2021 19:03

Don’t move out - even temporarily - or agree anything financially until you’ve had legal advice. Finance stuff v important.

Dozer · 04/08/2021 19:04

Sorry, you say you’ve already rented somewhere. Still do get legal advice asap.

L1414 · 04/08/2021 23:12

Hello, I am going through this at the moment- am desperately unhappy.We have been married for 19 years, together 24 and there is literally nothing left. I want to leave and start living my life as I feel I am wasting every second at the moment - I just don’t know where to begin.
We are in private rented but I don’t have savings for a deposit on a house of my own - we have two children 15 and 13. Help!

Kione · 05/08/2021 09:11

@L1414 I don't know what to say re. savings to rent. That is very difficult one. Can you get a small loan?

This morning has been super hard. It's our wedding anniversary and they day I chose to spend my first night in my house with the kids. Stbx was very upset this morning. And so am I because I just hate hurting him.

OP posts:
Kione · 24/08/2021 18:56

Update, refresher or whatever.
Been doing ok, just lurking in all the threads I took part when all this started.
I am in the new house. Not without bumps, kids are so-so, started to manage a 48 hour in each house routine.
I apologize if I miss details.
Today has been hard and the worst day since I told my ex I was leaving that I am just crying my eyes out.
He texted saying he is lonely, it hurts, misses everyone, etc.
And it is bloody hard.

OP posts:
Kione · 24/08/2021 19:11

And what do I reply to him when I feel just ad shitty?

OP posts:
Kione · 24/08/2021 19:26

I want to say sorry but I know I shouldn't

OP posts:
Snoken · 24/08/2021 20:14

That’s tough OP. Are you on such friendly terms that you can hang out and do stuff together as a family?