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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just told my husband I want to separate

82 replies

Kione · 03/07/2021 18:23

Please hold my hand.
It's been a boring non-existing relationship for years. I tried before but he convinced me to stay.
I want to enjoy life.
I am scared of the pain.
Got two kids. Terrified at how they will take it.

OP posts:
PandasCatsWolves · 04/07/2021 06:57

Why give = whether

PandasCatsWolves · 04/07/2021 06:58

@oak55

We've been married for 15 years and like any marraige we've had our ups and downs..I have been married before with Ex in another country and child who is now 21..This has been a sensitive topic over the years hence our ups and downs..Over the past few years it's gotten a bit intense as my daughter has finished school and has been more in contact now than the earlier years of her life.. I'll be 50 this year and my wife 42, i love her to bits and will do anything for her...We've made a life for ourselves here and are happy with own home and myself working from home and my wife works close by in the area...

We've reached a point now where she has asked me to completely forget, disown, my child and have no contact with my ex even if it is to do with my daughter..who is 21 and not working, extremely difficult to get a job but also does not help the fact that she did not do well in school so that makes it more difficult and with the current pandemic and recent restrictions in that country it's now twice as hard to find work..
The problem is that i buy her toiletries, monthly airtime (if needed) and a small allowance..if anything is needed then i pay online so as to not deposit any monies which is another long story..My wife seems to think this is going to go on forever
My past has made her bitter and resentfull..I think shes correct

We can be so good together and after our last arguement/disagreement, whatever you want to call it, i seriously thought/assumed that was the last...
I try my best and have done not to let my past come into my marraige but my wife is obsessed with every detail that goes on with them..
Sadly this is the major contributor to our problems

I'm just reaching out to others who are in a similar type of situation or thoughts, advice regarding the subject

At my wits end

(sorry for the long post)

Suggest you start your own thread. This is the OPs thread.

WeMarchOn · 04/07/2021 07:02

@PandasCatsWolves if you read he did it by accident 🤦🏻‍♀️

WeMarchOn · 04/07/2021 07:03

@Kione stay strong and stand in your ground, hugs

PandasCatsWolves · 04/07/2021 07:13

[quote WeMarchOn]@PandasCatsWolves if you read he did it by accident 🤦🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Ah thanks. Missed that

Original poster
Kione · 04/07/2021 07:19

@PandasCatsWolves

Think carefully about why give buys you out of the family gone or it's sold.

My ex bought me out. It's weird. Eldest considers it home despite living with me more. They try not to show it.

I have to go there all the time and it's frankly very unhelpful in the moving on process. In hindsight, I'd have insisted we sold it.

Never saw it like that, good advice, thanks
OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 04/07/2021 07:41

I need strength to stick to my guns.
In the past I didn't have the guts. But I really really need this now.

OP posts:
ablutiions · 04/07/2021 07:57

@Kione like PP have said, this is the hard part, making the decision. I was in an unhappy marriage before, scared and too unconfident to end it. He was the one who finished it. It was painful, but such a relief in the end. Luckily no kids. The new life building was so daunting but ended up a thrill.

I then met my DH, the love and passion of my life (just as I typed that he let rip a big fart next to me in bed 😂, still love him thoughGrin) .

My life is transformed and full of happiness, love, energy and fun (with the usual ups and downs as well). My exDH leaving me was the best thing that could have happened to me. The thought of a life full of compromises, mediocrity, resentment and lack of passion that I could have had if we were still married makes me shudder sometimes, you do only have one life, so live it.

Good luck!

Original poster
Kione · 04/07/2021 08:01

Thank you. I am actually really looking forward to the new life building.
The fart made laugh!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 04/07/2021 17:22

He is in denial acting like nothing happened, can't really say much around the kids

OP posts:
HelpWendy · 04/07/2021 23:07

Hey how's it all going today?

Original poster
Kione · 05/07/2021 12:03

Sorry just saw this. I spend the morning with DD and afternoon with DS. We talked a bit more this morning. He told the kids he is getting a dog, we have been pestering him for years.
So I am over the moon with that.
It means that he is going to stay in the house tho...

OP posts:
mae2014 · 05/07/2021 12:14

My mum did the same, so from the perspective of your children, they will be so thankful in the long run. She battled with whether to separate from my dad for years and finally couldn't take it anymore,
It's the best thing she ever did. I finally got my happy mum back, I wasn't around a horrible atmosphere anymore (kids can tell when the parents aren't getting on)
I'm so glad she did as it showed me that a relationship shouldn't be like that, otherwise id of probably grown up believing that a normal relationship should mimic that?

Sending you so much love, you've got this xx

RainingZen · 05/07/2021 12:51

Well, you're the one that has the momentum and wants to move on, so let him keep the house and buy you out, it sounds like your STBXDH needs stability and that would also surely be great for the kids. It is the kids' home, personally I'd never force a sale if I didnt have to. The four year old in particular will benefit if the home stays in someone's possession and if STBXDH can afford it, let him have it.

You will probably feel better in a new place where you can make a fresh start, make new memories etc.

The most beneficial thing you can do for your kids is keep things civil with their dad. Be aware that as they are passed back and forth between you, the 4 year old may naturally start to cling on to the older sibling, and the older sibling may find this responsibility challenging. Both the kids will need so much support from you, especially if their dad is struggling to process this.

Good luck.

19Bears · 05/07/2021 13:23

Holding your hand OP. Take me with you! I am in a similar position but haven't got as far as saying the words, "I think we should separate." He knows how unhappy I am, but he is sweeping it under the carpet and trying to carry on as if I've said nothing. We are living essentially separate lives in the same house. No sex or anything approaching that kind of relationship for over 10 years, and I don't want to continue this way. He just annoys me now and I try to avoid him as much as possible. I cant even look forward to going to bed when I'm exhausted every night as he just snores and bounces around, and I'm as far to the edge of the mattress as possible. It's no life, but he's very much of the view that you stay together for the kids no matter what.
Hoping you stay strong, and hoping I'll find the strength soon x

Original poster
Kione · 06/07/2021 08:01

@mae2014

My mum did the same, so from the perspective of your children, they will be so thankful in the long run. She battled with whether to separate from my dad for years and finally couldn't take it anymore, It's the best thing she ever did. I finally got my happy mum back, I wasn't around a horrible atmosphere anymore (kids can tell when the parents aren't getting on) I'm so glad she did as it showed me that a relationship shouldn't be like that, otherwise id of probably grown up believing that a normal relationship should mimic that?

Sending you so much love, you've got this xx

Thank you for your point of view. I keep thinking I am excited at being happy around the kids. And told STBXDH (I like that), that I don't want her to think this is a normal relationship. I am dreading telling them tho...
OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 06/07/2021 08:07

@RainingZen

Well, you're the one that has the momentum and wants to move on, so let him keep the house and buy you out, it sounds like your STBXDH needs stability and that would also surely be great for the kids. It is the kids' home, personally I'd never force a sale if I didnt have to. The four year old in particular will benefit if the home stays in someone's possession and if STBXDH can afford it, let him have it.

You will probably feel better in a new place where you can make a fresh start, make new memories etc.

The most beneficial thing you can do for your kids is keep things civil with their dad. Be aware that as they are passed back and forth between you, the 4 year old may naturally start to cling on to the older sibling, and the older sibling may find this responsibility challenging. Both the kids will need so much support from you, especially if their dad is struggling to process this.

Good luck.

Thank you. Yeah, I am happy to move out, and I am planning on taking my daughter to view the houses and listen to what he likes as much as I can
OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 06/07/2021 08:10

@19Bears

Holding your hand OP. Take me with you! I am in a similar position but haven't got as far as saying the words, "I think we should separate." He knows how unhappy I am, but he is sweeping it under the carpet and trying to carry on as if I've said nothing. We are living essentially separate lives in the same house. No sex or anything approaching that kind of relationship for over 10 years, and I don't want to continue this way. He just annoys me now and I try to avoid him as much as possible. I cant even look forward to going to bed when I'm exhausted every night as he just snores and bounces around, and I'm as far to the edge of the mattress as possible. It's no life, but he's very much of the view that you stay together for the kids no matter what. Hoping you stay strong, and hoping I'll find the strength soon x
Aw, I wish I could! We rarely argue (just ignore each other) sho I push a bit for an argument, which was two phrases but that gave me the strength. I wanted to wait until kids were in bed, but I was worried things would fizzle back and when DD went to play out I had to tell him. Now I need to keep going so he doesn't think I will revert back.
OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 06/07/2021 16:56

I am now noticing my typo errors are atrocious!
I don't do well typing on the phone!

OP posts:
SixesAndEights · 06/07/2021 17:13

When are you going to tell the kids OP?

The sooner they know the sooner you can all come to terms with it and start the moving towards the next stage.

Original poster
Kione · 06/07/2021 20:24

@SixesAndEights

When are you going to tell the kids OP?

The sooner they know the sooner you can all come to terms with it and start the moving towards the next stage.

When I have something to view and I can take my daughter. He was still on denial until I got a call this evening from the estate agent.
OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 11/07/2021 10:13

Updates. I secured a house to rent. Have told him, he is begging me not to ho but he seems to he accepting it.
Planning on telling the children tomorrow, because Tuesday is my birthday, we can go out as we had planned and we can show them that we are still a family.
It has been agonizing to have to reject him again and again. He is now doing all the things he should have done 10 years ago, having the kids, giving me space, but it is too late.
My friends say I should have done it years ago.
I am really excited about having my own place, but he is not moving out so it will be mum's place, which is not ideal.

OP posts:
DoingItMyself · 11/07/2021 17:14

Stay strong. It's hard, but it's for good reasons.

ohtobeanonymous · 13/07/2021 18:36

Good for you, OP. You may soon well be wishing you did it sooner!

Bear in mind it will take him a while to adjust to the fact that you mean it. He will no doubt tell you how he doesn't want it to happen but actually it sounds as if you'd both be happier by separating - he will realise this eventually!

Good luck - it's a long hard road. But worth it.

Original poster
Kione · 15/07/2021 07:41

Thank you. We are, or I am, telling my daughter tomorrow.
I am so not changing my mind.

OP posts: