Husbands family

[Anonymously2]

Wondering what others think and if I'm being unreasonable. Weve been married 18 months together 7.5 years and have a 1 year old. Well his family don't accept partners. Whenever there is an invite to a social event its always sent to my husband with a message added to the bottom no partners. I've tried explaining it is hurtful constantly being left out and made to feel unwelcome. Husband promised me once we were married he would make it clear to his family this wasn't acceptable but he continues to socialise with them and tells me I'm.not invited. Am I being unreasonable to want him to see this is hurtful and that I am also family?

This is weird - but do you actually like them? They sound like people it might be a bit of a blessing to avoid! For things like Christmas and DH/DC birthdays, I would say the priority is to spend those together in your nuclear family. But I'd be more flexible on other things, just make sure DC don't always go. Your MIL sounds like a nightmare.

This is seriously unacceptable. The fact that your husband accepts this and allows his family to treat you this way is not ok at all. It is utterly disrespectful.

God they sound absolutely batshit.

Properly batshit.

The mum sounds like a complete narcissist attention seeker and everyone else sounds spineless and pathetic!

He doesn't see you as an equal team mate by allowing you to be excluded from everything. That would be a goodby from me in your shoes.

i have seen this before, in a 'family' of someone I know well.

It doesn't bode well for your future OP. There is a saying 'if someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time'.

If they behave like this when you are married God help you if you ran into problems with your marriage.

this kind of family behaves like a victorian, emotionally abusive pack of piranhas. No joke. I've seen it.

And God help you OP if you ever need to get divorced.
They will close ranks and try to finish you off emotionally and financially.

The child according to them is their property. Feudal is not the right word for it.

Please start asserting your parental rights and responsilbities.

I agree with you, your child doesn’t go

I also think I would stop inviting him to your family events and if he doesn’t like it, well now he knows how you feel

As to Christmas etc if he chooses to go to his family without you then fine, I would go to my parents, with the child, and stay there Christmas Eve to New Year, him not invited

I can’t believe he doesn’t stand up for you

WTF!!! I really don't get this at all? I couldn't imagine being excluded from family events like this. Very strange behaviour!

@Anonymously2

When I say it wouldn't be tolerated if it were the other way round- if I tried doing this with my family as in seeing them and not inviting DH to come he would not allow it.

He can always find a reason for explaining why he needs to go such as oh it would upset so and so if I missed their birthday, oh but you'd want to see your family for a birthday meal.

I've said I absolutely will not be accepting this behaviour going forward but am told I'm just finding problems with his family. Think we all know where this leaves me.

What if you told him he's not invited, it's family only, would he stop you from going? I think you need to reconsider how much you actually want this to be your life OP. Are you going to be excluded from weddings, funerals all family events on his side? Part of me suspects being excluded by these people is a blessing.

Yes, being excluded from these people is a blessing, but please consider the future. If you run into problems in your marriage to a further degree it is entirely predictable how they will behave.

Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Is this the example of married life that you wish to model to your daughter?

Your husband's family's behaviour is bizarre and rude and unacceptable. And your husband's behaviour with regard to this is bizarre and rude and unacceptable too. And the next time he fucked off to socialise with them I'd be telling him not to come back, he's made his choice. And if he did come back, it'd be to an empty house.

Seriously - stop accepting this shit.

Well done @Anonymously2 for this:
I've said this week moving forward he can go to events but that our daughter will not be going

If you’re staying in this marriage, at least you can protect your daughter from the behaviour of this toxic family and stop MIL getting the satisfaction of “being mummy”. God knows what influence the old cow is trying to have on your daughter in your absence.

That is utterly ridiculous and your husband is being an arse

When you say he wouldn't allow it to happen the way other way around - have you had that conversation? Had he said he wouldn't allow it? And if so, why does he think it's OK for his family (and him) to treat you like that if it wouldn't be OK the other way around? Assuming he has some intelligence, he should be able to explain what his logic is.

Of course there is no logic. His family are treating you appallinginly, he's going along with it, he knows it's wrong but he cares more about their feelings than yours. And every time he does it, he reinforces the idea that it's OK.

You mentioned a SIL who also isn't happy.... what about next time, you and she, and your children, go somewhere exciting for the day. I would definitely ensure DC don't go if I wasn't invited. I would make sure I always had other plans, probably involving my own family.

Or, just accept now that your DH doesn't respect your feelings, and move on.

Your husband sounds incredibly weak, unsupportive and, well, not like a husband. Also, what kind of message is this sending to your kids about their mother and the role of women in general?

Having no partners is fair enough - their choice. My child wouldn’t be attending without me though regardless of the event.

Oh good god that’s strange. And it’s not just you OP? So it’s not a personal thing? Either way it’s despicable and incredibly strange behaviour.

Personally I wouldn’t want to associate with such people, they sound hideous, but in no way would my child be attending any function that I have been barred from. She wants her chance to play ‘mummy’ well that’s too bad, because she’s not the mother, you are. What sort of message is that sending to the children. She sounds a toxic person.

I’m really surprised your husband or in fact anyone’s partner hasn’t challenged this behaviour. He needs to, now. It irks me when people on MN make it seem so cut and dry, like leave him now, BUT it is really concerning that this sort of behaviour is going unchallenged and I would imagine in time it’s the sort of thing that could break down a marriage.

My kids wouldn't be going.

Ever.

What the fuck? This is staggeringly rude and weird - the family AND the husband. You know this is not normal. Have my first LTB.

That must be so upsetting, OP. I can see you wouldn't want to control your DP nor disadvantage your DC from contact with their 'D'GPs. That said, your DP seems more fussed about not upsetting so and so than upsetting you. It might take you taking your DC to your own family without him each time he is due to go to his awful family though I think from PPs he wouldn't be happy with this. Unless they are from the 1950s, if you have a DC and together for 7.5 years then IMO, it is entirely unacceptable to treat you this way and for your DP to enable this. Good luck.

I don't think you are finding problems with his (massively defective) family, rather having their (manifestly defective) problems dropped on you from a great height. Finding problems implies so positive choice or action by you whereas it looks like one way traffic from Planet Idiot.

This is awful. I don't know how you stand it.

He can't possibly be normal in other ways.

His family sound really dysfunctional and I don’t understand why you’ve accepted this for so long. He sounds very controlling and I suspect you’re in an abusive relationship and don’t realise it.

Utterly weird!! Did they let you go to your own wedding?

Well I wouldn't be putting up with my dh going along with such disrespect.
I'm baffled as to why you're still with him.

I wouldn't want to stir up trouble, OP, but I'd hate to imagine what poisonous beliefs your DD might absorb or be subject to as she gets older when you are not with her.

I've mentioned on other threads that I have this issue too. I have no advice as it's definitely a DH problem for you and I'm sort of in the same boat. So I'm just going to send you some solidarity. It won't change and you'll become the problem in all this but stand your ground!