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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husbands family

112 replies

Anonymously2 · 03/07/2021 17:49

Wondering what others think and if I'm being unreasonable. Weve been married 18 months together 7.5 years and have a 1 year old. Well his family don't accept partners. Whenever there is an invite to a social event its always sent to my husband with a message added to the bottom no partners. I've tried explaining it is hurtful constantly being left out and made to feel unwelcome. Husband promised me once we were married he would make it clear to his family this wasn't acceptable but he continues to socialise with them and tells me I'm.not invited. Am I being unreasonable to want him to see this is hurtful and that I am also family?

OP posts:

LuvMyBubbles · 04/07/2021 05:23

Tell him he can't go unless you are invited.

LuvMyBubbles · 04/07/2021 05:24

I would leave him. This is a joke.

QueenBee52 · 04/07/2021 05:40

Divorce the Bastard .. take your Child and do not look back.. 🌸

Marty13 · 04/07/2021 05:49

I wouldn't want to go, even if I was invited eventually !

I'd not allow my child to go without me

And I'd go to see my own family without DH so he can see what that feels like.

Assuming you're not leaving him on the spot, which is also a very reasonable option.

Either way you need to cut off his family, they sound toxic.

MsTSwift · 04/07/2021 06:09

Weird. And I wouldn’t want my child growing up around that weird disrespectful to you dynamic either. They don’t stay babies very long. How do you explain that?

timeisnotaline · 04/07/2021 06:38

Absolutely no way would this be acceptable in my marriage. I would have moved out (or moved him out depending on housing and job setup)

timeisnotaline · 04/07/2021 06:40

I've said this week moving forward he can go to events but that our daughter will not be going and that he needs to start telling his family that we are all a family unit ourselves and that I'm sure the behaviour wouldn't be tolerated if I started doing the same! what do you mean wouldnt be tolerated? As if you’d ever invite him to anything again? I wouldn’t let him go to coffee with me much less a family do on my side. This is between now and the divorce of course, which would be ASAP.

CrunchyCarrot · 04/07/2021 07:02

Is his family in some sort of secret society?? Otherwise it's totally unacceptable. Really though your DH is the one who has to make a stand. My DP's family didn't like/accept me and eventually my DP cut all contact with them until they started acting reasonably again (took a year). Sooner or later he needs to pull his big boy pants on.

Callingallskeletons · 04/07/2021 07:12

You’ve definitely gotten yourself a DH problem there but his family are batshit too

I wouldn’t be letting DC go anywhere either, if you’re not accepted into the family then your child isn’t going either

MyOtherProfile · 04/07/2021 07:15

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

What happens when you host? Who do you invite, and who comes?

This.

As the MN phrase goes, you don't have an in law's problem, you have a dh problem.

SunshineCake · 04/07/2021 07:22

My child would never be going again. If I'm not family then neither is my child. This will not change so decide what your plan is.

GreenLeafTurnip · 04/07/2021 07:51

What happens if you just turn up? This is so bizarre I can't believe it's true!

wizzywig · 04/07/2021 07:53

Are there any cultural issues at play here op?

Shoxfordian · 04/07/2021 08:04

I wouldn’t be that sad about this personally but then I like time on my own and I’m not that interested in being close with my in-laws

Use it as time to see your own family or friends or go out with the other partners who aren’t invited and have a better time anyway

Magenta82 · 04/07/2021 08:39

This is very odd and frankly rude. The fact that your DH is going along with it and not sticking up for you is the real issue.

You need to decide what you are willing to put up with and make this clear to your DH, decide where the line is. If he won't back you up and act like part of a couple then he has crossed that line.

I'm not talking about ultimatums, "support me or else" but there is only so much you should be prepared to put up with.

Hugs it must be very tough and isolating x

layladomino · 04/07/2021 08:53

Utterly crazy. The family and your DH for encouraging it (by encouraging, I mean he is still turning up, showing he's OK with the arrangement).

If he won't listen, then it's not a great sign for where you sit in his pecking order.

starsinyourpies · 04/07/2021 09:03

This is bonkers, he sounds like he has no respect for you.

KatherineJaneway · 04/07/2021 12:10

Does this happen to every non family member or just a few?

Original poster

Anonymously2 · 04/07/2021 13:20

When I say it wouldn't be tolerated if it were the other way round- if I tried doing this with my family as in seeing them and not inviting DH to come he would not allow it.

He can always find a reason for explaining why he needs to go such as oh it would upset so and so if I missed their birthday, oh but you'd want to see your family for a birthday meal.

I've said I absolutely will not be accepting this behaviour going forward but am told I'm just finding problems with his family. Think we all know where this leaves me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anonymously2 · 04/07/2021 13:22

@wizzywig

Are there any cultural issues at play here op?

No cultural issues at play. Family are mainly English.

OP posts:

BrownEyedSquirrel · 04/07/2021 13:25

Haven't RTFT but your DH needs to tell his family that if you're not welcome then he's not coming. If he doesn't do this then he's selfish and I'd query his motives.

QueenBee52 · 04/07/2021 13:27

OP I wouldn't let my Child go to their house .. put your foot down now.. 🌸

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 04/07/2021 13:34

He wouldn't be missing out on social occasions because of you; he'd be missing out because of them. And she's their grandmother, not their mother, whether you're in the house or not.
I have this horrific image of some Billie Whitelaw-esque, East End crime family matriarch. Jinkies.
I'd be sharply applying the handbrake to this behaviour and telling him one more load of nonsense and you're done.

simbobs · 04/07/2021 13:56

I have never heard of such a thing! Is their ethnicity in any way responsible? Either way, it is an unacceptable way to behave, and not something that you would want your DC to be exposed to.

QueenBee52 · 04/07/2021 13:59

@simbobs

I have never heard of such a thing! Is their ethnicity in any way responsible? Either way, it is an unacceptable way to behave, and not something that you would want your DC to be exposed to.

OP says no.. 🌸

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