Help keep reminding me I am worth more than this

[user237990]

NC long time user.

I thought I found the one. Everything for the last few months has been going well. We were friends for a time beforehand.
We got serious 10 months ago and we've had a few teething problems and arguably some of the things could be seen as red flags. But we've worked through them after addressing them, he's apologised.

We've both been hurt in previous relationships and both sensitive and cautious of being hurt. I have children he doesn't.

We get on so well normally, really really well. Although I am incredibly easy going in comparison to his very much more intense and unforgiving nature.
I am really positive and he's negative.

I was very seriously abused in my previous relationship. So despite having done the freedom programme I am still conscious of red flags and not entirely convinced I am astute is identifying bad relationships.

We've had a few rows. He's very much walk out and f**k it. I smooth over the situation and we discuss he apologies and we go on.

Yesterday after a really bad day dealing with my ex, we had a conversation about a lot of things including the sexual assault I suffered. Here's the kick -
He said after quite a few drinks-

1. you initially consented so it's difficult to prove he was in the wrong (my ex)
2. If you turned me down during sex we'd be over.
3. He admitted he didn't enjoy time with me when my DC was home.
4. (My 6year old came in asking for drink -politely) why don't you go to your dads (this was said 3times on different occasions in the space of about 10 minutes
5. He asked me a question about my ex and sex - I audibly exhaled. He told me to Fuck off as no one sighs at him. He packed most of his stuff and drove - having admitted he was drunk about an hour earlier. He lives 5 minutes walk away.

I know as I write this I am right in this being over. But men have truly messed me over and I still think I am in the wrong all the time.

You have not messed up. Him leaving is excellent because you don't have to chuck him out.

Things will get better.

This man does not love you. You deserve so much more. The comment to your child was awful as well as the way he spoke to you. He's a piece of shit. Run for the hills.

You are most certainly not in the wrong. He sounds vile. Be glad he's gone.

He's basically saying your ex was right to have assaulted you and he doesn't like your child. He's not a good man. Run for the hills and don't look back.

Yes abusive, lucky escape.

I still think I am in the wrong all the time.

That's because you've been trained to believe that by these shitty 'men'. You are not wrong and never were. They were the ones who were so weak they had to try and bring you down to make themselves feel better.

That's good that this relationship is now over, he sounds like another arsehole of the first order.

Have you had any counselling to help you straighten out your way of thinking again? I would thoroughly recommend it

I'm so cross with myself for letting my guard down.
I'm so cross with myself for ending up here again.
I'm so cross with muse that this hurts so much.
I'm so cross with myself that I have actually tried calling and texting him.

I'm so cross that he thinks I'm the one in the wrong.

I'm so cross that I didn't tell him to fuck off when he said what he said to my daughter.

Just FYI he doesn’t think you are in the wrong he just wants you to think you are

He sounds a fkin nut job you are well rid

@Orgasmagorical this all happened last evening.
I have been tempted to contact my car worker at Women’s Aid. But I'm so embarrassed to say
' Guess what - done it again!'

You aren't wrong. Your instinct is spot on.
This man is training you to do as you are told. In just that conversation he made clear that:
He expects you to provide sex even if you don't want it.
If men sexually assault women is probably the woman's fault.

He doesn't care how you feel about those things because (he sees you as) lower than him in the pecking order.
He dislikes your son and doesn't care if you or he know it.
He expects you to send your son away FROM HIS OWN HOME if he wants to see you.

You aren't allowed to question or challenge him even by sighing or he will punish you by swearing at you and walking out.
He's a drink driver which is without a doubt morally reprehensible.

Good riddance! Good for you!

Sorry just seen you have a daughter not son!

Don't be embarrassed, you've nothing to be embarrassed about. He's the one who should be ashamed of his shitty behaviour, and you should be proud of yourself for recognising it and doing the right thing for you and your daughter and getting rid of him. He sounds vile.

I agree with the posters above; you spotted he was bad news and although its hard when you are a kind forgiving person, you have realised he has to go. I stuck with my abusive ex for 15 years but the shame is his not mine. Enjoy your abusive nob-free life!

@honeylulu

You aren't wrong. Your instinct is spot on. This man is training you to do as you are told. In just that conversation he made clear that: He expects you to provide sex even if you don't want it. If men sexually assault women is probably the woman's fault. He doesn't care how you feel about those things because (he sees you as) lower than him in the pecking order. He dislikes your son and doesn't care if you or he know it. He expects you to send your son away FROM HIS OWN HOME if he wants to see you. You aren't allowed to question or challenge him even by sighing or he will punish you by swearing at you and walking out. He's a drink driver which is without a doubt morally reprehensible.

Good riddance! Good for you!

This is spot on, well said!

You should reach out for any help you feel you need, OP

Don't be embarrassed. You've done nothing wrong. Contact the care worker.
He's bloody vile. Thank christ he's gone. If you start wobbling, think about what he said to your daughter. He's a prick.

[quote user237990]@Orgasmagorical this all happened last evening.
I have been tempted to contact my car worker at Women’s Aid. But I'm so embarrassed to say
' Guess what - done it again!'[/quote]
Please do contact her. You aren't the first vulnerable woman to be hoovered up by a different abuser, you won't be the last.

Coming here and realising that there may be something wrong is a huge step forward. You are hearing that internal voice.

There is no shame in getting here, now you get to decide whether you stay. He is an abuser and this is his best behaviour. It will get worse.

Run.

Yh......that’s a strong NEXT!!

There's still time to message him to f off and your dd will always be worth a million times more than his sorry self.

He is awful OP

He treated you with contempt you are right to get rid of him.
Stay strong, block him completely, do not respond to any contact from him✔️

@Melitza

There's still time to message him to f off and your dd will always be worth a million times more than his sorry self.

As much as you want to and as much as he deserves it, don't do it, it just invites him to engage further with you. You want to drop completely off of his radar so that he's not thinking about you at all.

He won't contact me. There is no worry about that. He's a man that wants women to chase him. He's incredibly arrogant. He's good looking and he knows it.

I'm such a mess. Why am I crying??

Hell be on to the next one within a week at most. Falling in love and telling grand tales of soul mates and the'one'.

I actually think your WA contact will see that you've recognised the red flags and acted on them and be glad you've checked in for some support OP, please call her

I did see them. But I didn't do anything- he left. I didn't kick him out.

I'm too embarrassed to contact. I just wanted to crawl into a hole.
I need a hug.
I can't talk to anyone.

And I'm royally pissed off I'm being so wet about this!!