Help keep reminding me I am worth more than this

[user237990]

NC long time user.

I thought I found the one. Everything for the last few months has been going well. We were friends for a time beforehand.
We got serious 10 months ago and we've had a few teething problems and arguably some of the things could be seen as red flags. But we've worked through them after addressing them, he's apologised.

We've both been hurt in previous relationships and both sensitive and cautious of being hurt. I have children he doesn't.

We get on so well normally, really really well. Although I am incredibly easy going in comparison to his very much more intense and unforgiving nature.
I am really positive and he's negative.

I was very seriously abused in my previous relationship. So despite having done the freedom programme I am still conscious of red flags and not entirely convinced I am astute is identifying bad relationships.

We've had a few rows. He's very much walk out and f**k it. I smooth over the situation and we discuss he apologies and we go on.

Yesterday after a really bad day dealing with my ex, we had a conversation about a lot of things including the sexual assault I suffered. Here's the kick -
He said after quite a few drinks-

1. you initially consented so it's difficult to prove he was in the wrong (my ex)
2. If you turned me down during sex we'd be over.
3. He admitted he didn't enjoy time with me when my DC was home.
4. (My 6year old came in asking for drink -politely) why don't you go to your dads (this was said 3times on different occasions in the space of about 10 minutes
5. He asked me a question about my ex and sex - I audibly exhaled. He told me to Fuck off as no one sighs at him. He packed most of his stuff and drove - having admitted he was drunk about an hour earlier. He lives 5 minutes walk away.

I know as I write this I am right in this being over. But men have truly messed me over and I still think I am in the wrong all the time.

Hey op. You've realised it. You're a nice and kind person so it takes time sometimes to understand how someone can be like this.

Don't worry about him moving on. He is no prize.

And I'm royally pissed off I'm being so wet about this!!

I was too, I spent hours daydreaming about my husband not being in my life and when we split up I couldn't understand why I was in such a state. But the end of an abusive relationship isn't the end for you - it leaves a nasty trace. It takes time and, IME, professional support to help you heal.

Go easy on yourself, grieve for the relationship you should have had and get in touch with your WA support worker, she will not be surprised, she will not judge but she will want to help

You don't need to be cross with yourself. It takes time to see what someone like.

I thought I'd met my soul mate once for three months, after three months; I'd rather not write a novel but let's just say it became rather clear why his previous four relationships had failed.

Once he started showing his unworkable side (that's putting it politely) you recognised it and were extremely uncomfortable.

Of course you're very disappointed and upset.

If youve been shagging him, you'll also be dealing with oxytocin etc.

It's the seeing them that matters, you recognise them for what they are and that's massive progress even if you don't realise it. You have nothing to be ashamed of here, you were brave enough to try again with someone new and you had no more way of knowing whether he was abusive than any of us do when starting a new relationship. It takes time to really get to know a person (or for an abusers mask to slip) and you've wasted relatively little time on this one thankfully. And now you can see what he is and you're not going back, how is that a failure on your part? Please talk to someone, you have nothing to be embarrassed about and you deserve that hug. You know you wouldn't be judging someone who came to you in the exact same circumstances so treat yourself with the same kindness

You deserve a massive hug and a well done ... yes he may have left of his own free will but ... you recognise he's a total prick and needs be gone ... which means you will not allow him anymore of your time or energy
I would say contact your CW just to ask for a hand hold and some reassurance... block him , make sure he doesn't have a key , celebrate with people that love you - how lucky you are to be free from this wank stain and have some lovely time with your wee girl
You are doing sooo well , keep being strong lovely

Oh and btw, treating yourself with kindness takes practise, it will feel alien to start with but is absolutely worth the effort until it becomes habit. I've found the more kindness and respect I show myself the more the people around me treat me with kindness and respect, like the way I (now) feel about myself is reflected back by the people around me. And it makes sense that abusers would sense the vulnerability of someone who didn't like themselves very much and try to exploit that so it's good protection against future arseholes. You're making more progress than you realise though OP, time to stop beating yourself up now please

I reached out to my DM said I really needed to see her. She's suggested that in the week we'll chat about a date when we can maybe catch up.

I can't try to reach out again. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with.

I can't stop crying it's horrendous.

The trash took itself out. Thank God you don't live with him, much easier to keep him out.

I'd call your WA contact OP, it's what she's there for. You're welcome to PM me if that would help at all too, I'm sorry you're feeling so shit x

Contact the WA worker for support.

Think of how that absolute prick made your child feel.

You need to reflect on THAT.

Hasn't the child probably been through enough?

Protect your child by protecting yourself.

@billy1966 you are absolutely right. My head is fully and completely saying this. It's a memory I keep bringing up to prevent myself from going to his - just around the corner, and messaging him.

However- I still feel sick and heart broken from going from what I thought was pure unadulterated true love to him being an absolute piece of shit. It's that lovely for months to him being pissed and saying somethings in a 2 hour period.

This is no excuse- fortunately DD didn't hear what he said as he was muttering it under his breath and she was chattering away.

Angel - he's a dick and had things got more serious, he would have been an absolute wanker to your kid. So please please think of it as a narrow escape for you both. Get yourself nothing nice for tea and a nice dessert, find a decent movie, cuddle up with your kid, block the twat on everything, put it behind you Xx

nothing?? Something!!!

That was a mirage OP.

There is NO way a lovely man comes out with what he did.

You have NO idea what he is capable of with views like that.

Your daughter needs a good example from you and protection.

When you have children, their safety must come first.

He is not a good man.

[quote user237990]@billy1966 you are absolutely right. My head is fully and completely saying this. It's a memory I keep bringing up to prevent myself from going to his - just around the corner, and messaging him.

However- I still feel sick and heart broken from going from what I thought was pure unadulterated true love to him being an absolute piece of shit. It's that lovely for months to him being pissed and saying somethings in a 2 hour period.

This is no excuse- fortunately DD didn't hear what he said as he was muttering it under his breath and she was chattering away. [/quote]
You have now seen who he is. Underneath.

It is repulsive.

A reasonable person may have said, I cannot do this today, but not behave that way.

Oh your list is absolutely stuff you can't ignore. You can't sigh but he can tell you to fuck off ??? Please end this (I haven't RTFT but hopefully you have).

Don't take him back, and be grateful if he "moves on" to another one.

He's a total dickhead and you can do better. Block him. Who gives a fuck if he's "good looking"? I'd rather have someone who wasn't vile.

Good looks come way, way down my fucking list of priorities. They are utterly irrelevant.

You have done the right thing for you and for your DD. Absolutely no question. The list you gave - any one of those things would be enough to say he isn't a good 'un. But the fact that after a few months of being 'lovely' he suddenly becomes this person kind of shows that he was hiding the real him, and for some reason has decided now he can let the facade slip (maybe it was the drink).

Either way, see it as a good thing that he showed you so clearly who he is - not just one or two hints but a bucketful of reasons not to be with him. Leave him to it and please don't get in touch. You know it won't end well. Even if he said 'Sorry I wasn't myself, had too much to drink, let's try again' - you know what he really thinks of your DD. He isn't worth either of you.

@ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe we've just ordered a Chinese .

@billy1966 you are right, no lovely person would say what he said.

I'm trying to think of the other things he's done as a means to stop me from calling or going around.

Getting my name wrong- think Suzanna, him calling me Suzanne.
Getting angry when he thought I was being sarcastic- and nearly storming out of the house.
Getting angry when I was going to take DD out for dinner because 'you don't think it's a horrible area and you could get attacked'.
Getting cross with DD when she's just pottering around the house.
When he asked if I liked a tattoo on a man in a magazine I said yes and he sulked for 4 days as he'd 'not have one there' so clearly I don't think he's the sexist man in the world.
That he's social media is covered in pictures of himself but he says I'm vain and trying to get attention for having running or gym pictures on mine.
That I'm stupid for posting pictures of my food.
That he wouldn't let us be friends on any social media, but got cross when I posted something and included him but didn't mention him by name or that I have a boyfriend.
He deletes all messages except ones from me.

I know I'm now looking but it's helping.

@user237990

I reached out to my DM said I really needed to see her. She's suggested that in the week we'll chat about a date when we can maybe catch up.

I can't try to reach out again. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with.

I can't stop crying it's horrendous.

Obviously I don't know whether your mum has been through an abusive relationship breakup but I have found the only people who truly understand and can hear what you say is those who have been through it. Your WA support worker will be the ideal person to phone, you are the reason she does the job she does, she wants to help you.

It must feel like your mum is kicking you when you're down when she's not prioritising seeing you

Allow yourself to cry, you need to get those emotions out, it won't last forever, you'll get there

That I sent him a meme with french in it and including the translation- that made him angry because he doesn't understand french.
When he had a dream I turned him down for sex and he was angry for 3/4 days.
The fact I don't mind my children's friends walking in the house without knocking is wrong and disrespectful
When we had a row once before as he wasn't letting up at me my 13 year old removed DD to the bedroom and told him to leave the house.

I can pick them can't I.
I'm a absolute wreak of a woman aren't I.

I'm a absolute wreak of a woman aren't I.

No, stop that now! They are the ones who choose their victims. They are the ones who are doing the abuse. You are not to blame in any way, no matter what he tried to tell you.

He does sound like an absolute twat but I know he won't have been like that at the beginning, or all the time. Do not blame yourself, they all use the same handbook.

"I am right in this being over" - Yes a million times

Spend time on your own, with your family & friends

You have your freedom now

Spend time with your children, start some new hobbies, plan a holiday, learn something new, eat cake & chocolate, do some exercise, meditate

You don't need to jump into another relationship

Because YOU are worth it !