Help keep reminding me I am worth more than this

[user237990]

NC long time user.

I thought I found the one. Everything for the last few months has been going well. We were friends for a time beforehand.
We got serious 10 months ago and we've had a few teething problems and arguably some of the things could be seen as red flags. But we've worked through them after addressing them, he's apologised.

We've both been hurt in previous relationships and both sensitive and cautious of being hurt. I have children he doesn't.

We get on so well normally, really really well. Although I am incredibly easy going in comparison to his very much more intense and unforgiving nature.
I am really positive and he's negative.

I was very seriously abused in my previous relationship. So despite having done the freedom programme I am still conscious of red flags and not entirely convinced I am astute is identifying bad relationships.

We've had a few rows. He's very much walk out and f**k it. I smooth over the situation and we discuss he apologies and we go on.

Yesterday after a really bad day dealing with my ex, we had a conversation about a lot of things including the sexual assault I suffered. Here's the kick -
He said after quite a few drinks-

1. you initially consented so it's difficult to prove he was in the wrong (my ex)
2. If you turned me down during sex we'd be over.
3. He admitted he didn't enjoy time with me when my DC was home.
4. (My 6year old came in asking for drink -politely) why don't you go to your dads (this was said 3times on different occasions in the space of about 10 minutes
5. He asked me a question about my ex and sex - I audibly exhaled. He told me to Fuck off as no one sighs at him. He packed most of his stuff and drove - having admitted he was drunk about an hour earlier. He lives 5 minutes walk away.

I know as I write this I am right in this being over. But men have truly messed me over and I still think I am in the wrong all the time.

Why would YOU be embarrassed? It is HE who is behaving like this. You're not the cause of his behaviour. His behaviour is disrespectful and unloving. Move on asap and don't look back.

What a tedious prick... Ffs don't call or go near that train wreck again.

The relationship clearly has no legs as he doesn't like being around your children and goes off his rocker anytime you say something he doesn't like.

I think it might be worth staying on your own for a bit and having some further counselling.

Thinking I don't like the fact my DD is going to start feeling marginalised in her own home. This is her safety place and he's not giving that to her.

I was unsure whether to say this as I genuinely want it to power you not to kick you while you're down but it's not that he's not giving that to her as it's not his job (he's not her father), it is your job. So you need to focus now on giving her that place of safety you mention. That's your responsibility and it's hasn't been happening because of this man, but that's been because you've stayed with him. It sounds like it's worth you having some counselling specific to your dynamic within relationships even if you don't think right now that you want one again. Because this cannot be repeated again. Your daughters are being taught that this is what relationships look like - that men bully and control women and women shouldn't answer back and should still be the ones who make the effort, apologise and smooth things over. Please break this pattern for their sake

I still feel physically sick and have barely slept again. From being with someone so intensely to absolutely nothing, it's so hard.

I know everything he said now was lies. Im not stupid.
I also know it's over, im not planning on going back through this again.
Taking that out of the equation the pure raw hurt that im feeling is absolutely debilitating.

It's also not as easy to cut him out entirely, our lives are fairly entertained as we both go to the same place at the same time every day and have many people in common. That I fed needs addressing directly because I can miss some but I don't want to bump into him and be caught off guard - it would be humiliating. Especially if he's said stuff to mutual people and / or I cry.

I feel so sick.
I just don't know what to do.

The fact that he's a cunt to your child should be enough for you. As for if you turned him down for sex...

GET RID OF THIS TWAT!

Omg I never say this but LTB!! You deserve better!! All yours points are really bad but no.4 telling off your kid would kill it for me!

Do you work with him? See if you can work from home or take a few days off next week just to avoid seeing the knob

I don’t know if someone already said it but look at doing the freedom programme to help you avoid similar abusive men in future

Be really kind to yourself today, have some chocolate, watch a silly film, have a bath, anything that makes you feel good

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel oh it's over. There is no question of that.

I'm merely talking about how I feel. Yes I'm disgusted and angry. But I'm also hurting.
I've had months of someone feeding me all the right words, saying all the right things. Saying everything that you could imagine the perfect man would say to you. Made you feel loved and cherished and then wallop.

I know it was all lies, but I think I still have a right to grieve the loss of what I thought I had.

@Shoxfordian I did the freedom program- in fact I was doing it when we first started seeing each other.

He had it that well hidden that even whilst doing it I saw no issues, and discussed him with the group too.

Grieve. Exactly this.

Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that come, relax and let them come. Acknowledge them, feel them, Process them, and then when you understand why you’re feeling what your feeling you can put them back and move forward

It’s going to take time, but you’re going to get through this.

You've done incredibly well OP. Grieving the relationship you thought you had is hard, but this too shall pass. Peaks and Valleys and all that... www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1501108085/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Don't hesitate to seek support from women's aid, be strong, get over your insecurities and just do it, it won't be anything they've not heard before and they WILL understand and it WILL help. It's your road to recovery. If it has to be embarrassing and uncomfortable then so be it, you're a big girl and you can deal with it.

There is a common misconception that a woman who has been abused has some understanding of what has happened to her. This is simply not true. When a woman is being subjected to abuse she feels that she is in the middle of a very confusing mess and that it must be somehow her fault. - from Freedom Programme book.

Every professional dealing with abuse knows it's fucking hard to see abuse for what it is from within and they will not blame YOU for it. You only believe it's your fault because in an abusive relationship you've been conditioned to believe everything under the sun is your fault but this is not really true. It's the same for every victim, you won't be first, you won't be the last.

Best wishes

OP you owe it to your children to get in touch with your care/case worker abc let them know what’s happened so they can support you in real life. I know you say you know it’s over but if he comes over with apologies and more lies I’m worried you’ll take him back. I know you say he would never do that, but in a few days or weeks when he realises you’re not going to come running grovelling he may resort to it. I know you don’t think your kids know but they do, even if your dd didn’t hear what he said she will have picked up on the atmosphere. And what an absolutely horrific position to put your 13 year old in.

Yes, you will feel a loss because it was so fucking intense but you do need to put your big girl pants on and thank your lucky stars he fucked off. He’s an abusive cunt and he needs to stay gone.

@Prettybubblesintheair, well said. Spot on.
Op, please listen to all these wise words.

@Prettybubblesintheair

OP you owe it to your children to get in touch with your care/case worker abc let them know what’s happened so they can support you in real life. I know you say you know it’s over but if he comes over with apologies and more lies I’m worried you’ll take him back. I know you say he would never do that, but in a few days or weeks when he realises you’re not going to come running grovelling he may resort to it. I know you don’t think your kids know but they do, even if your dd didn’t hear what he said she will have picked up on the atmosphere. And what an absolutely horrific position to put your 13 year old in.

Yes, you will feel a loss because it was so fucking intense but you do need to put your big girl pants on and thank your lucky stars he fucked off. He’s an abusive cunt and he needs to stay gone.

All of this.

You say: "I've had months of someone feeding me all the right words, saying all the right things. Saying everything that you could imagine the perfect man would say to you. Made you feel loved and cherished and then wallop."

But amongst him saying those things he's also been a complete cunt to and about your children, who have had to witness their mum being in a toxic and abusive dynamic.

Please hold on to that, not the memories of the times he was nice to you, to stop you in your tracks if he says the right things again.

To be honest I've learned that no matter how people are at their best, it's how they are at their worst that matters when push comes to shove.

A man could be the nicest in the world to me but if he was unkind to my children I would immediately end the relationship. You need to try to focus only on the kids for a while, while you grieve the relationship yourself.

Do you work with him, is that what you mean by having to see him every day?

When we had a row once before as he wasn't letting up at me my 13 year old removed DD to the bedroom and told him to leave the house.

I think that with this in mind along with the other incidents involving the kids being put down and dismissed but you not ending the relationship immediately when those things happened, it's worth calling your case worker to ask for some support to ensure this never happens again.

Your children have been exposed to abuse and your 13 year old has had to take a responsible, parental role. Thank god for her being sensible. How awful she's had to use that trait to be the mature party in this scenario.

I really would contact your case worker and say you need some guidance in how to navigate relationships with partners and also your children to learn to protect them and yourself from this happening again.

And I would sit down with the kids individually and say you're sorry they've had to deal with him, thank you for them being kind and lovely girls and tell them you're going to make sure this doesn't happen again. Then follow through. They must feel so insecure in their own home bless them.

He doesnt like your DC, he is probably jealous of them & doesnt want them there.

Thats a dealbreaker on its own.

They mentioned that a friend of our knows him from years ago and has a pattern of this behaviour

Oh, quelle surprise!

Your update about his social media as a vanity project but double standards about yours is also very fitting.

I really hope you feel better soon OP because being rid of this utter controlling, abusive, narcissistic cockwomble is a GOOD THING.

Maybe you'll even find it funny that as he was preparing to storm out of YOUR house he told you to "fuck off". Er, no, you knob, that's exactly what YOU'RE doing.

He won't come here or contact me.

Are you absolutely positive about that? Does he have a key?

@user237990 if you've got a spare wee while, get yourself a cup of something and have a read of this thread, I thought of it when I was reading your posts, hopefully there'll be something in there that might help you

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a4175132-Am-I-to-blame-for-abuse-They-say-I-am

I've had months of someone feeding me all the right words, saying all the right things. Saying everything that you could imagine the perfect man would say to you. Made you feel loved and cherished

But OP, you've written the complete opposite in other posts! What you believe to have happened isn't the case at all. You've told us about bad times, he was not the man you write here. It didn't happen as a sudden wallop, there were signs all through your relationship.

Please please talk to Womansaid about that, and also counselling if you can.

Is it gym you see him at? Leave and join another one

When we had a row once before as he wasn't letting up at me my 13 year old removed DD to the bedroom and told him to leave the house.

When did this happen and why wasn’t this enough to call it quits?

The sad truth is, he wasn’t the man you desperately wanted him to be and that desperation, blinded you to the real him.

Call Women’s Aid, your embarrassment is not a good enough reason, not to.