Help keep reminding me I am worth more than this

[user237990]

NC long time user.

I thought I found the one. Everything for the last few months has been going well. We were friends for a time beforehand.
We got serious 10 months ago and we've had a few teething problems and arguably some of the things could be seen as red flags. But we've worked through them after addressing them, he's apologised.

We've both been hurt in previous relationships and both sensitive and cautious of being hurt. I have children he doesn't.

We get on so well normally, really really well. Although I am incredibly easy going in comparison to his very much more intense and unforgiving nature.
I am really positive and he's negative.

I was very seriously abused in my previous relationship. So despite having done the freedom programme I am still conscious of red flags and not entirely convinced I am astute is identifying bad relationships.

We've had a few rows. He's very much walk out and f**k it. I smooth over the situation and we discuss he apologies and we go on.

Yesterday after a really bad day dealing with my ex, we had a conversation about a lot of things including the sexual assault I suffered. Here's the kick -
He said after quite a few drinks-

1. you initially consented so it's difficult to prove he was in the wrong (my ex)
2. If you turned me down during sex we'd be over.
3. He admitted he didn't enjoy time with me when my DC was home.
4. (My 6year old came in asking for drink -politely) why don't you go to your dads (this was said 3times on different occasions in the space of about 10 minutes
5. He asked me a question about my ex and sex - I audibly exhaled. He told me to Fuck off as no one sighs at him. He packed most of his stuff and drove - having admitted he was drunk about an hour earlier. He lives 5 minutes walk away.

I know as I write this I am right in this being over. But men have truly messed me over and I still think I am in the wrong all the time.

OP,

I mean it kindly but you need to get a grip.

He's unkind to your children and your 13 year old was put in a dreadful position of having to intervene on your behalf.

That is shocking and highly abusive and damaging for your children.

They have been through enough.

He is a horror.

You will be okay OP. Well done for seeing him for what he is (a narcissist).

Keep the hell away from him.

@billy1966 I absolutely agree. That's why I came here. This is why I am writing all these things. This is why I reached out.

You have done very well OP. His mask has slipped and you have spotted that what lies behind it isn’t pretty.
Try again when you’re ready. There are some nice men out there. It’s just a numbers game finding them.

@Vrnyoop I think I'm done now. 4 serious relationships and all of them have been horrendous. I think I don't help the situation.
No matter what I do how much I put in. How kind, thoughtful, truthful, accepting and considerate they just belittle, humiliate and abuse me.

You're really not OP, he's gone and your eyes are wide open to who he really is now, I'd call that an achievement. Read everything you've posted here about him and his behaviour back and then ask yourself why his list of bad points make you 'an absolute wreck of a woman'? It takes time to build up a proper picture of a person and recognise their patterns of behaviour, you were already starting to realise so who's to say you wouldn't have unceremoniously dumped him in a month or two when things really clicked into focus for you?

He's just saved you the trouble and the reason why is probably because he could tell you were starting to see behind the mask and realised you weren't such an easy target as he originally thought. And that means you are progressing and healing from your previous abusive relationship and you will likely spot it even sooner if another arsehole appears in the future. It pains me that you can't see how proud you should be of how far you've come and that you're blaming yourself because he turned out to be a cunt, how is that your fault?!!

You have done really well. You have recognised the red flags and you have got out! You are absolutely worth more than this.

Op, this is from your first post:

Everything for the last few months has been going well.

From subsequent posts, it clearly hasn't.

Think of this as a practise run, after 10 months you've realised there's still work to do. That's great, he's gone now so you can spend time looking after yourself.

What stood out is that you said he'd do something unpleasant, then you'd talk about it, he'd apologise, you thought it was dealt with. Until the next time.

Decent people aren't unpleasant in the first place. You've done great to get yourself out of the long term abusive relationship, and this one's done you a massive favour by fucking off because of a conversation.

I was neglected as a child, I married an abusive man. My intuition on relationships needs help from friends, and Mumsnet! It's no shame to not be super alert in the first relationship you have.

Write down all the nasty things he did, and keep telling yourself - decent people don't do these things.

[quote user237990]@Vrnyoop I think I'm done now. 4 serious relationships and all of them have been horrendous. I think I don't help the situation.
No matter what I do how much I put in. How kind, thoughtful, truthful, accepting and considerate they just belittle, humiliate and abuse me.
[/quote]
What was your parents' relationship like? It was quite an epiphany when I realised that my marriage had almost replicated my parents'. That's why I'm always harping on to women with children who post about abusive relationships to get out so history doesn't repeat itself.

You could not have done anything right in the abusers' eyes, again that is nothing to do with you - everythiing to do with them. They are not normal people.

We’re all with you @user237990, you’re worth more than this, you’re kids are too.

if you can find a mantra to keep yourself strong, it’ll help.

For me it was the realisation that it was all his lies and I realised that the truth is his enemy

So the truth shall set you free is what was playing over and over in my head

Did you find the comment about your kids “they’ve been through enough” powerful? Could that be the phrase that keeps you focused

This stuff is hard, but you absolutely know what the deal is here

I was afraid too that I’d fall into another abusive situation, I had therapy, it really helped

Lean on WA, lean on us, lean on anyone and everyone (sorry your mum is a bit rubbish, but most victims of abuse have mothers like that..) we’re all pulling for you.

Life will get better but only when you demand what you know you’re worth.

No matter what I do how much I put in. How kind, thoughtful, truthful, accepting and considerate they just belittle, humiliate and abuse me

This is something to work on. "No matter what I do" is not a healthy way to view this. It can take years but it is possible to realise, with self love, self care, counselling, therapy, that a decent person will like you just as you are.

If you're trying to be as thoughtful, etc as possible an abuser sees that as a green light. It shows you have the potential to accept anything they do and you'll just try harder to please them.

This is pretty much light heated OP so I hope I don’t offend.

I don’t think you’re ready yet for a new relationship but when you are would it help to take a more selfish approach?
Don’t worry about pleasing them. Think about what pleases you in a relationship.
A kind attractive man who pays you compliments and whose company you enjoy? Go for it but remember lots of men are summer fruit. lovely at first then after a bit they go off.
So date ‘em, have fun and as soon as a longer term partner stops being enjoyable company, dump them without a second thought.
Repeat for 2 or 3 years until find someone who doesn’t go off.

Well rid. He sounds like a nightmare. You could do so much better

How kind, thoughtful, truthful, accepting and considerate they just belittle, humiliate and abuse me
because you are dealing with predators who want to exploit, you are being nice, they just see a doormat asking to be walked on

this guy is a ridiculous person, he believes his own BS and you have 'enabled' him (by going along with it) hopefully his overconfidence will mean he next tries to pitch himself at a woman who knows exactly how to play him back:)

Op if he hadn't driven of taking his things do you think you would have put up with him or kicked him out?

@RevolvingPivot in truth last evening was a bit of a punch in the face as an eye opener, and I sat on the sofa with him sulking at me because - well in truth I don't 100% know. Thinking I don't like the fact my DD is going to start feeling marginalised in her own home. This is her safety place and he's not giving that to her.

Then the mind games and push push push push of me to the point he gets pissed off. When he got up after the 'sigh' I just in truth went and sat in my DD bedroom, I heard him pack up asked if he was leaving, he said yeah fuck off. I just saw him out the door locked it and went and saw my 13 year old.

So no.

But I hadn't thought about that till now. Just been in pain.

@Vrnyoop

This is pretty much light heated OP so I hope I don’t offend.

I don’t think you’re ready yet for a new relationship but when you are would it help to take a more selfish approach?
Don’t worry about pleasing them. Think about what pleases you in a relationship.
A kind attractive man who pays you compliments and whose company you enjoy? Go for it but remember lots of men are summer fruit. lovely at first then after a bit they go off.
So date ‘em, have fun and as soon as a longer term partner stops being enjoyable company, dump them without a second thought.
Repeat for 2 or 3 years until find someone who doesn’t go off.

This and dump quickly at the sign of Any red flag. You are getting there. Do the freedom programme again. Invest your love in the a dog and your children only and only date for fun

Make sure you changed the locks and block him on EVERYTHING

He won't come here or contact me. He'd ignore me if he saw me in the street.
He wouldn't even let me know he was home ok last night.
We're over.
I'm dead to him.

Because
I
Sighed
🙄
Knob

I've had a chat with a friend of mine. It's still horribly embarrassing. They mentioned that a friend of our knows him from years ago and has a pattern of this behaviour.

Despite having a wobble and nearly going over, and nearly calling I haven't.

But now as I sit here with my kids, messaging my friend, I think about how he was telling me he doesn't have friends and doesn't want them. I actually feel sorry for him because he's going to lonely and grumpy for the rest of his life blaming everyone else for everything.
And I have my lovely children and my friends and I'm the lucky one.

Don't feel sorry for him.

It's his choice to be this way.

@user237990 He has done you a favour, as he sounds absolutely vile.

You have done nothing wrong so don't feel ashamed of having engaged with this person. Have you looked at the freedom programme? I've not done it myself but it is highly recommended here for identifying types of abusers. Perhaps you could also look into counselling or therapy to work on yourself.

Abusers like him do not change, and if he doesn't contact you, take that as a compliment rather than him punishing you. It means he thinks you're too strong for him to hoover.
You are no longer under his control so enjoy your peace and freedom.

There are good men out there who would treat you and your dcs with respect and love that you deserve, but no rush.

He sounds like an absolute prick

he's going to lonely and grumpy for the rest of his life blaming everyone else for everything.

Good!