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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? England match tonight?

92 replies

Mamaoftwo2112 · 03/07/2021 08:39

Maybe I'm having fomo and completely jealous that partner has the ability to go out and I post this question knowing full well I run the risk of sounding like a complete control freak!(which he likes to call me)

So here goes...
My partner and I had a baby under one month ago. I am breastfeeding so I haven't left the house much unless it's been to take a short walk or I went to the sweetshop once.

My partner goes to work and also has popped out for a long walk at least twice a week.

Before I carry on my partner likes to do cocaine occasionally which I hate and we have argued a million times over the times he comes home etc. O I always get this feeling of doom when he goes out fear he will do coke or not come home when he says.

As we all know the euros are on and on Tuesday he went out with his friends watched it checked in with me and came home at a reasonable time before 9 which I was soo pleased about. I also asked him if he did coke or not which he said no which I kind of believe we he was just slightly drunk when he came back.

So the match is today and yesterday he asked my if it was ok if he went to the match. I didn't say yes or no but the look on my face pretty much said no. Again we got into an argument about me trying to dictate his life he got really moody and shouty etc. My point was kind of like don't ask me then if you are going to guilt trip me into saying yes.

Today's match is at 8pm which in my head makes him more likely to do drugs, not stick to his word, get more drunk, etc... leaves me probably overnight with the babies which I don't mind but I just will not be able to get over that feeling of if he says he's coming back at a time he probably won't. Of he just stuck to his word I would be fine.

I think I also feel that yes the euros only comes round once a year but there are so many sacrifices I have had to make with baby so he should make some too!

Thank you to anyone that takes the time out to respond !!!

OP posts:

Sally872 · 03/07/2021 08:48

Unless he is out too much or will struggle to pay the bills if he has night out then I don't think one partner can say no to another. It is a courtesy to ask but you shouldn't stop him. You should of course also get time for yourself but appreciate that it is difficult to manage when baby is so small.

Also my dh can stay out as late as he wants, i expect him to keep me in the loop so I am not worried and can't expect extra time off family life the next day for hangover. But on the night it would be his choice. Appreciate the coke may give you additional concerns though.

SpindleWhorl · 03/07/2021 08:49

Well ideally he'd watch it at home, while sharing the care of his own baby, with you. Make it a bit of fun.

But he doesn't see home as fun, I'm guessing? If the pull of cocaine is that strong, then I'm very sorry to say you've got a real problem, and unfortunately he's the only one can do anything about it. It sounds very stressful.

sparemonitor · 03/07/2021 08:52

You chose to have a child with someone who takes drugs, that was the mistake.

I'm afraid you can't be surprised if he then takes drugs. Make sure you go back to work and are financially independent from him as coke heads don't generally make good long term dads or partners.

AlternativePerspective · 03/07/2021 08:52

Why are you with a cokehead?

Attheendofthedaywhenallsaid · 03/07/2021 08:53

Are you seeing family, friends? are you getting out enough? i remember being out all day with my baby when I was breast feeding and loving it, are you not enjoying it yet? maybe tired, emotional?

Regarding your partner I think you have to trust he will not use cocaine if he says he will not. I would not appreciate him getting shouty, perhaps he too is tired? is he a decent man? I personally would not prevent him from seeing the euros, it is a big exciting event especially after not seeing friends for so long. Can you not make arrangements to visit someone that night or have them over?

Bluntness100 · 03/07/2021 08:53

If he goes out you’ll resent him and worry, if he stays in he will resent you. Personally I was ok with my husband going out and letting his hair down, but the same applied to me, I don’t think relationships can work when there is no trust and one is trying to control the other. There no easy answer here.

SnarkyBag · 03/07/2021 08:55

@sparemonitor

You chose to have a child with someone who takes drugs, that was the mistake.

I'm afraid you can't be surprised if he then takes drugs. Make sure you go back to work and are financially independent from him as coke heads don't generally make good long term dads or partners.

Yeah sorry but I agree. I’d worry more about getting your ducks in a row because let’s face it if you stay this is your life

AttaGirrrrl · 03/07/2021 08:55

You need to say this to him and really mean it. It’s not just about tonight is it? It’s about sticking to his word, always. You need to be able to trust your partner, the father of your child, with everything and it doesn’t sound like you can.

bitheby · 03/07/2021 08:56

Euros is every 4 years not every year.

Is he safe to be around a newborn if he keeps getting drunk and taking cocaine? He sounds completely irresponsible and not much help and support to you. Are you getting what you need from this relationship? I'd be inclined to focus on whether this is the life you want for you and your children. It sounds really stressful.

Unanananana · 03/07/2021 09:00

@sparemonitor

You chose to have a child with someone who takes drugs, that was the mistake.

I'm afraid you can't be surprised if he then takes drugs. Make sure you go back to work and are financially independent from him as coke heads don't generally make good long term dads or partners.

This in spades. He will choose coke over you and your child EVERY TIME. What is your work/living situation? I hope you aren't dependent on him in any way.

Plus coke heads are boring arseholes. They think they aren't, but they are so very dull. And sad.

LCDIT · 03/07/2021 09:00

This is about the drugs, not the football. Unfortunately you cannot stop him. Time will tell. I wouldn't like this feeling of walking on eggshells. I had this with my father growing up when he would just disappear off the the pub randomly sometimes and my stomach would be in knots wondering if he would be in a state when he stumbled home.

You need to give him a chance. I would however make sure I have some savings for the future just in case you need to exit the relationship swiftly. Thinking of you

66babe · 03/07/2021 09:01

I don't think the football tonight is your problem
I wouldn't stay in a relationship with some one who does Cocaine
I wouldn't have had a baby with him either ,unless I was happy with that which I never would be and it seems as if you are not either
Sorry @Mamaoftwo2112 I would be getting my single life in plan now and moving on

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2021 09:02

Contrary to this, I think going out this soon after having a baby should be agreed upon, with the aim of it not being unfair to either party. It sounds like he is generally taking the piss about going out but has that "you're trying to control my life, I should be able to behave just as I did before the baby was born" bad attitude. It's not good and it doesn't bode well. He should have had the emotional maturity to realise he wasn't going to be able to catch all of the bloody Euros out of the house this year FGS.

How much does he do with baby the rest of the time?

You need to talk to him about the trust and unreliability issue as PPs have said but honestly? It sounds like you've got a man child here.

QforCucumber · 03/07/2021 09:04

This is the about him going to watch the football. This is all about your lack of trust in him, his inability to stay off drugs and your relationship.

I have no issue with dh going to the pub tonight, we have a 5 Yr old and 11 month old. However I know he will be home by midnight, a but merry but it won't ruin our Sunday - because he's a responsible father.

Clickbait · 03/07/2021 09:05

OP, can you think of something you'd like to do for yourself this weekend or next weekend and ask him to look after the baby while you do it? I do think it's reasonable for him to watch the football.

The cocaine thing is a whole other issue.

category12 · 03/07/2021 09:07

You want him to want to stay home
You don't trust him, presumably due to him proving to be untrustworthy previously.
He expects his life to go unchanged by parenthood, while yours has been severely impacted

I don't really have any answers for this. It's not really about the football at all, it's about what life will be like for you with him.

DGFB · 03/07/2021 09:08

Him going to the football wouldn’t bother me at all. This happens once every four years.
And I wouldn’t mind him staying out later as long as he got up with the baby the next day and let me have a lie in.
But all your problems are about trust.

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2021 09:08

I think it's ridiculous how many people think he should be able to go out multiple times a week to watch the football all night with a baby at home that is less than a MONTH old. It isn't even possible for OP to match that level of freedom without them never caring for baby at the same time.

I'm all for not being controlling but seriously? That is ridiculous. It's been what, 3 weeks? One night out, maybe, but this is royally taking the piss and the people on this thread seem to have ridiculously low expectations of men post partum.

category12 · 03/07/2021 09:09

And I do think it's unreasonable for him to bugger off for hours when you have a tiny baby and could do with support. The first few weeks of adapting to having your first child are so so hard.

DGFB · 03/07/2021 09:09

Ps do you have loads of friends yourself.. so hen time comes when you can leave the baby, I expect you’ll be having nights out too?

PurBal · 03/07/2021 09:10

I think with a 1 month old baby he can reduce going out to once a week TBH. He can watch the football and drink beer at home, much cheaper.

GolfEchoRomeoTangoIndia · 03/07/2021 09:12

He stuck to his promise on Tuesday. I’d tend to assume he can do the same again today. (Assuming he sets off at 7:30 and doesn’t sit in the beer garden saving his seat from 4pm).

thelastgoldeneagle · 03/07/2021 09:13

That's no kind of life - worrying about if your p will take coke and what state he'll be in. You can't trust him.

I'd be saying he has to stop the coke. How can he look after a baby if he's high?

MrsMaizel · 03/07/2021 09:13

You've got more to worry about than a football match . He takes coke ? How about putting your foot down about having that in you and your baby's life ?

MyOtherProfile · 03/07/2021 09:15

When you say he wants to go to the match I'm guessing at the pub? I wouldn't mind except for the coke. And for the fact that you don't get to do anything. I think you need to start as you mean to go on. Start getting out more with the baby but also think about how you can leave baby with him and have an hour to yourself regularly too.

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