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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? England match tonight?

92 replies

Mamaoftwo2112 · 03/07/2021 08:39

Maybe I'm having fomo and completely jealous that partner has the ability to go out and I post this question knowing full well I run the risk of sounding like a complete control freak!(which he likes to call me)

So here goes...
My partner and I had a baby under one month ago. I am breastfeeding so I haven't left the house much unless it's been to take a short walk or I went to the sweetshop once.

My partner goes to work and also has popped out for a long walk at least twice a week.

Before I carry on my partner likes to do cocaine occasionally which I hate and we have argued a million times over the times he comes home etc. O I always get this feeling of doom when he goes out fear he will do coke or not come home when he says.

As we all know the euros are on and on Tuesday he went out with his friends watched it checked in with me and came home at a reasonable time before 9 which I was soo pleased about. I also asked him if he did coke or not which he said no which I kind of believe we he was just slightly drunk when he came back.

So the match is today and yesterday he asked my if it was ok if he went to the match. I didn't say yes or no but the look on my face pretty much said no. Again we got into an argument about me trying to dictate his life he got really moody and shouty etc. My point was kind of like don't ask me then if you are going to guilt trip me into saying yes.

Today's match is at 8pm which in my head makes him more likely to do drugs, not stick to his word, get more drunk, etc... leaves me probably overnight with the babies which I don't mind but I just will not be able to get over that feeling of if he says he's coming back at a time he probably won't. Of he just stuck to his word I would be fine.

I think I also feel that yes the euros only comes round once a year but there are so many sacrifices I have had to make with baby so he should make some too!

Thank you to anyone that takes the time out to respond !!!

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 03/07/2021 11:38

Sorry op - good luck with your relationship with a drug taking man-child.

Wriggleon · 03/07/2021 11:40

I think him going to the football is fine but you should carve out a life for yourself ( maybe a bit off now but don't wait too long). As for the coke one, you need to decide what's acceptable to you and go with that. Nothing more depressing than continually giving ultimatums that get ignored.

category12 · 03/07/2021 11:41

@Mamaoftwo2112

When I met him I had no idea he used any drugs otherwise I would never of dated him. Yes silly mistake on my behalf having a child with him but the pregnancy was unplanned. Before the pregnancy I asked him to stop using the drugs and he swore to me he would. I very stupidly believed this!
Maybe it would be better for you to exit the relationship?

He hasn't stuck by his promises and he's not very supportive, you can't/don't trust him. So that doesn't leave you with much.

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2021 11:45

Agree with others - this ain't about the football

I'm finding it really frustrating that people keep saying this. Yes there are other issues as well as the football, but I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that him going out multiple times a week for the football less than a month after the baby was born IS an issue in itself.

HappyMeal654 · 03/07/2021 11:46

I'd just be worried about someone on drugs coming in my house near my kids

Seesawmummadaw · 03/07/2021 12:07

I’m playing taxi tonight to get Dh out of the house to watch the football because I hate it and would rather he watched it with his friends.

I’m not with a drug user though.

TheWeeDonkey · 03/07/2021 12:09

I agree with PP you need to start making a life for you and your child. Your partner is not a reliable man and I'd have no expectations of him

Sakurami · 03/07/2021 12:21

I'm not a football fan but even I know how important it is for fans.

I don't see the issue with that. Provided that he makes up for it when he's home. When your baby is older you can go out and leave him looking after his kid.

I've never been with someone who does drugs so can't comment on that.

ThePurplePalace · 03/07/2021 12:25

Sounds like you’re happy for him to go out but the issue is him using cocaine. I wouldn’t be happy about that either but I’m curious to know what specifically it is about him using that you don’t like?

Loudestcat14 · 03/07/2021 12:27

The Euros are every four years and while I wouldn't have begrudged my football-mad OH going to watch the match with mates when our DD was a newborn, I would be massively bothered by the coke taking. If he can't have a night out without shovelling that shit up his nose then I'd say he's got a problem.

In fact, I'm really shocked that there are so many posts on MN about partners doing cocaine on a night out, in the same way they'd have a few pints. When did taking drugs become so normalised? I'm nearly 50 now and it wasn't like that when we were in our 20s/30s – back then cocaine was just a celebrity/media thing.

category12 · 03/07/2021 12:49

Yes the euros are only every four years, but how many times are he and OP going to have a tiny baby to look after and for him to support her with? Jesus.

category12 · 03/07/2021 12:53

In a lifetime, the Euros are going to come around like 20 times. Why can't he miss out a bit this once to support his partner? Giving support now when she's vulnerable could help her avoid PND, it could build his bond with his child, it could prevent unnecessary resentment growing and make them feel like a family, a team, rather than OP being left on her own to manage while his life goes completely unchanged.

And it's not even asking him not to watch the matches, it's just asking he doesn't go to the pub and use. Hmm

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2021 13:05

@Sakurami

I'm not a football fan but even I know how important it is for fans.

I don't see the issue with that. Provided that he makes up for it when he's home. When your baby is older you can go out and leave him looking after his kid.

I've never been with someone who does drugs so can't comment on that.

His three(?) week old baby and it's mother should be more important to him than the bloody football tournament that is on every four years. This intense post partum period will only happen once. The odd night out, maybe 1-3 in the first month is obviously ok and even positive, but using "football is IMPORTANT to me don't you know" as an excuse to be out multiple nights a week this soon after the baby was born is really poor behaviour. I don't care how "important" it is to him, he has a newborn baby, he needs to grow up.
WantingToWonder · 03/07/2021 13:22

Trust is fundamental in a relationship. What you have with your DP isn't worth fighting for/saving.

I couldn't be with this man.

ivfgottwins · 03/07/2021 13:37

Sorry I think you're being a bit ridiculous and controlling

He went out Tuesday and came home at a reasonable time and not worse for wear

He wants to go out tonight? No reason to suggest he doesn't behave himself like he did on Tuesday 🤷‍♀️

The fact you are 3 weeks post partum well he can hardly breastfeed the baby himself can he? Father's are pretty surplus to requirements in the early weeks

Sakurami · 03/07/2021 13:42

@aSofaNearYou well I don't think so. If she'd just given birth then yes or if she had any issues then yes.

(And I say this as a mum of 4)

category12 · 03/07/2021 13:47

The fact you are 3 weeks post partum well he can hardly breastfeed the baby himself can he? Father's are pretty surplus to requirements in the early weeks

Apart from looking after the mum, getting her snacks and drinks, doing more of the housework, holding the baby while she gets a bit of a break or while she drinks a hot drink, doing nappy changes, god no, what can a father possibly do that's useful?! Shock

Karmalady · 03/07/2021 13:52

I couldn’t handle the drugs, but going to the football is perfectly reasonable. Major tournaments don’t happen every week, especially with us qualifying.

It doesn’t take two people to feed a baby, you shouldn’t need to do housework all evening, so you don’t need his help, but I really think you should think about whether you want to bring up a child in a home where there are drugs.

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2021 14:03

[quote Sakurami]@aSofaNearYou well I don't think so. If she'd just given birth then yes or if she had any issues then yes.

(And I say this as a mum of 4)[/quote]
Yeah, I don't do martyrdom thanks.

He should be at home a majority of the time, helping with night wakings and looking after OP. The odd night out is ok but several a week is shirking his responsibilities.

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2021 14:04

Major tournaments don’t happen every week, especially with us qualifying.

As opposed to the first few weeks after your baby is born, which happens all the time and is comparatively less significant than football.

AlternativePerspective · 03/07/2021 14:06

For the people saying that the OP should be able to go out and leave the baby with him, do you really think that a druggy should be left alone in charge of a baby? Really?

The man is a cokehead. He is not suitable parent material, and is certainly not to be trusted to look after a baby.

Fact is that the OP doesn’t like him using coke. He doesn’t like being dictated to because he likes using coke. The football is a red herring here.

The OP has two choices. She either puts up with the fact that she is married to, and has chosen to have children with a druggy, or she leaves.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/07/2021 14:18

Baby or babies op? Sorry not clear how many kids are involved here? (Not counting your partner!)

Kanaloa · 03/07/2021 14:27

I never have any issue with DH going out. This is because he’s trustworthy and it’s reciprocal - we get about the same free time to go out.

You don’t trust him and he openly takes cocaine although you’ve said you hate it. I don’t see him stopping, he already knows you don’t like it and it doesn’t bother him.

Kanaloa · 03/07/2021 14:28

Although did you always have an issue with the cocaine? Or did you expect that he would stop once you had the baby?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 03/07/2021 14:50

Seconding that the football isn’t an issue here.

And that he’ll always find a way or a reason to go out and do coke if that’s what he wants to do.

You’re on a hiding to nothing if you’re hoping that he’ll start staying in because of the baby, and therefore stop doing drugs.