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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? England match tonight?

92 replies

Mamaoftwo2112 · 03/07/2021 08:39

Maybe I'm having fomo and completely jealous that partner has the ability to go out and I post this question knowing full well I run the risk of sounding like a complete control freak!(which he likes to call me)

So here goes...
My partner and I had a baby under one month ago. I am breastfeeding so I haven't left the house much unless it's been to take a short walk or I went to the sweetshop once.

My partner goes to work and also has popped out for a long walk at least twice a week.

Before I carry on my partner likes to do cocaine occasionally which I hate and we have argued a million times over the times he comes home etc. O I always get this feeling of doom when he goes out fear he will do coke or not come home when he says.

As we all know the euros are on and on Tuesday he went out with his friends watched it checked in with me and came home at a reasonable time before 9 which I was soo pleased about. I also asked him if he did coke or not which he said no which I kind of believe we he was just slightly drunk when he came back.

So the match is today and yesterday he asked my if it was ok if he went to the match. I didn't say yes or no but the look on my face pretty much said no. Again we got into an argument about me trying to dictate his life he got really moody and shouty etc. My point was kind of like don't ask me then if you are going to guilt trip me into saying yes.

Today's match is at 8pm which in my head makes him more likely to do drugs, not stick to his word, get more drunk, etc... leaves me probably overnight with the babies which I don't mind but I just will not be able to get over that feeling of if he says he's coming back at a time he probably won't. Of he just stuck to his word I would be fine.

I think I also feel that yes the euros only comes round once a year but there are so many sacrifices I have had to make with baby so he should make some too!

Thank you to anyone that takes the time out to respond !!!

OP posts:

itsamegladon · 03/07/2021 09:16

The coke needs addressing seriously.

So many users think they don't have a problem. That it isn't addictive.

He will create situations that allow him to take it, arguments, evenings out the stresses of new parents.

It isn't good.

On top of that he is still in the phase where he believes his life hasn't changed because the baby needs you more right now.

You need to redress some of the balance.
Not sure how

Don't make my mistake and stay in a marriage where you are taken for granted and his life is whatever he wants.

sociallydistained · 03/07/2021 09:16

I’d be focusing on what he actually is doing to support you and your newborn. You are breastfeeding so with baby the majority but what is he doing to make up his share? He’s planning on going out for the second time this week? I wouldn’t be happy. My partner would be happy to watch it with me and the baby whilst helping maybe cooking us a meal to watch it with!

accentdusoleil · 03/07/2021 09:17

I know your baby is young but you need to start building a life for you which suits your new life as a mum.

You can still go out (coffee. Drinks etc) so do you have friends ? And look to find some new mum ones. Sitting in the house all day isn't going to help. I know the baby is still tiny but you can start with small steps

I think you need to build an interesting life and more confidence. And if your husband prefers the coke, then he knows where the door is

Being a new mum is so hard. Make it the start of a new you

Newmum0331 · 03/07/2021 09:18

So many users on here post about how they know their DP does x y z and they don't like it…why then have a baby with him? Did u expect him to suddenly change or become a different person?

BlueCupOrangeCup · 03/07/2021 09:18

@QforCucumber is right. This isn't about the football and him seeing friends during Euros.

Your username suggests you have two children. Are both your children with this coke head? Do you envisage having more children with him down the line?

Think very carefully.

category12 · 03/07/2021 09:20

How exactly do you "put your foot down" with a grown adult man?

If he's not on board with stopping using, either he will say he'll stop but use anyway and lie about it, or make promises he'll never do it again, or he'll straight out use and you need to accept it or leave.

It's only really if he wants to stop using you have a cat in hell's chance.

BeBloodyBold · 03/07/2021 09:30

You are not being unreasonable to not want your partner to do Coke.

Not an excuse, but in my experience, motherhood makes the majority of women grow up almost over night, whereas it doesn't seem to have the same impact on as many men. This almost always causes issues. These issues are only going to be addressed by communication.

It seems to me you've got a few different options:

Put up with it
Ask him to stop taking Coke and he does
Ask him to stop taking Coke and he doesn't and then you leave
Leave

Personally, I would have a very serious conversation about stopping taking Coke. If he's not going to change you need to have a serious think about how this is going to affect both you and your babies.

HeartIess · 03/07/2021 09:42

Agree with others - this ain’t about the football

No idea why you had kids with a cokehead though - I lived with one and he WAS like a kid - until the addiction really kicked in with a load of paranoia

LalalalalalaLand123 · 03/07/2021 09:49

You chose to have a child with someone who takes drugs, that was the mistake.

This. Why did you choose to do this? Now and for as long as you are with him, you will be in this same suspicious resentful situation. This is no way to live life.

updownroundandround · 03/07/2021 10:16

Your life has changed, because you're not a Mother.

When does his life change, because he's a Father?

Agree with PP's who say ''you knew what he was like before you had a baby with him'', but that's not really helpful, is it ?

You need to talk to him about your needs, and his DC's needs. If he's not interested in taking on the responsibility of Fatherhood, then you really need to consider your options going forwards.
Leave him in no doubt what your 'red lines' are, and stick to them.

updownroundandround · 03/07/2021 10:17

you're not a Mother

Should say you are a Mother !!!!

cushioncovers · 03/07/2021 10:21

With respect why did you have a baby with a man child who uses coke? Not sure what you can do about his behaviour unless he wants to change.

category12 · 03/07/2021 10:26

Ugh, what's the point of repeating the question about why she had a child with the guy? Maybe it wasn't planned, maybe he made promises to change. Whatever.

The child is here now, she hasn't got a time machine.

cushioncovers · 03/07/2021 10:29

Because we'd like the op to answer the question.

category12 · 03/07/2021 10:33

@cushioncovers

Because we'd like the op to answer the question.

Mostly for the purpose of putting her down and sneering, I think.

cushioncovers · 03/07/2021 10:38

Nope. To gain context. Was the op using coke when they met. Have they been together since they were teens. Does she have any family support. Is his coke habit been going on for long. Has he had a traumatic experience that has led him to this. Do they have more than one child. What's his behaviour been like in the past. If poster have context they can advise the op accordingly. Otherwise on the surface of it the only advice is either he changes or she needs to leave. 🤷🏻‍♀️

category12 · 03/07/2021 10:45

Well perhaps ask those questions, instead of a very emotionally loaded question.

Imnothereforthedrama · 03/07/2021 10:47

@MrsMaizel

You've got more to worry about than a football match . He takes coke ? How about putting your foot down about having that in you and your baby's life ?

Exactly what I was going to say , I started reading and thought what you don’t want him to watch the match then I read the cocaine bit. It’s not the football love It’s the drugs you’ve got a baby now I do not know why this wasn’t addressed before pregnancy or during but time to give him a ultimatum you and the baby or the drugs .

TheWeeDonkey · 03/07/2021 11:18

I think someimes people think a baby will make a manchild grow up and become more commited to his relationship but in practise the opposite is usually true.

Being married to a footie fan I understand your frustration, although I don't think he was at the match every week for the first year, it was a big stumbling block between us for a while but it became something they could share together and football stopped being an excuse to going out on the piss with his mates every other weekend and became an opportunity to bond with his son.

The coke is another issue, that needs to stop and it needs to stop now. the number of middle aged coke heads I know. It seems a laugh in yor twenties, when you're in your forties, divorced, estranged from your kids and nipping to the loo every ten minutes its just tragic.

Chamomileteaplease · 03/07/2021 11:22

I don't think the night of an England game is the night to get through to your partner.

Let him have his night and sort your life out tomorrow. You will also see if he does in fact take the coke or not.

TheWeeDonkey · 03/07/2021 11:26

@cushioncovers

Those are all fair questions.

Original poster

Mamaoftwo2112 · 03/07/2021 11:29

When I met him I had no idea he used any drugs otherwise I would never of dated him. Yes silly mistake on my behalf having a child with him but the pregnancy was unplanned. Before the pregnancy I asked him to stop using the drugs and he swore to me he would. I very stupidly believed this!

OP posts:

FindingMeno · 03/07/2021 11:32

I wouldn't kick off about the footy tonight, and be prepared for the worst case scenario.
Once the footy is over I would be seriously expecting a change though.

Honkingallthewaytothebank · 03/07/2021 11:35

I dont think the football is the real problem.

Keepitonthedownlow · 03/07/2021 11:36

If he was a decent man he would stay home and watch the football with you.

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