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Original poster

In a great relationship but how can I accept this?

100 replies

TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 19:12

Been seeing someone 5 months, we’ve done lots of sex stuff but not sex. I’ve been direct about it, asked why, he’s said he didn’t want us to go too fast and that he’s nervous as hasn’t had sex for around 10 years (he’s 42). This is apparently because of not having a partner, being busy with work.

He is great in every way. The other sex stuff is great, he always asks afterwards if it’s been ok and to tell him if I want anything differently.

After the conversation about it I have waited. I’ve not tried anything. But I’ve seen him a few times since and nothing has changed. On the phone this week I said again, have you got any worries or concerns or just not into full sex, he said definitely not and he wants this with me and he’d been thinking about it. He’s always hard when we kiss. Sometimes even before we kiss and we are just hugging.

So frustrated (literally!) as he is pretty much everything I wanted in someone. Not sure what to do really.

OP posts:
Holothane · 02/07/2021 19:15

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TheFoundations · 02/07/2021 19:17

He's told you he doesn't want to go too fast. That's entirely his choice, and needs to be respected.

But I think it also needs to be clarified. If he means no sex for another 10 years, you'll have to leave. If he means no sex for another 10 days, you probably won't have to leave.

Can you ask him to be a bit more specific?

TheFoundations · 02/07/2021 19:18

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SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/07/2021 19:21

I think this is indicative of other issues. It wouldn't do for me, but I am not you. The fact that you are asking implies you are not happy with it. If he was talking about not rushing and it was 6-8 weeks down the line, maybe. But this is much longer, and I suspect an excuse. For what, it's up to you whether you want to find out, but having had an odd relationship with someone a bit like this, who had big commitment issues, but suddenly became much more committed if any other man was showing an interest, I would probably walk away.

Didiusfalco · 02/07/2021 19:21

I suspect you’ve not got to the bottom of this and it’s about more than taking it slow. You need to understand his timescales, but also I would say 10 years without sex at that age for no obvious reason is unusual. There’s something else going on.

bathsh3ba · 02/07/2021 19:21

I think after 5 months you need to be clear about expectations and discuss it very directly with him.

I won't have sex outside of marriage but I'm upfront about that so people know where they stand. You need an upfront conversation and if he won't give you one, I'd consider moving on.

IdblowJonSnow · 02/07/2021 19:21

Could you get a time frame? Explain how frustrated you are?
Could he have an STI and feel too awkward to tell you?
5 months is quite a long time for adults to wait imo. Obviously appreciate we are all different!

Pikachusbutt · 02/07/2021 19:24

Be honest with him. Tell him you are thinking of ending the relationship because you're not having intercourse.

Naughty1205 · 02/07/2021 19:25

He could be a virgin and too embarrassed to tell you?

66babe · 02/07/2021 19:31

@TheFoundations
That is a very very good point !

MilduraS · 02/07/2021 19:32

Could he be suffering from erectile dysfunction and too embarrassed to say? I had a ex who suffered from it in his mid 30s. He was fine with other stuff but the second we started having sex he went soft. We'd been together a while when it started so we were able to talk openly about it and he said it reached a point where he'd worry so much about it happening that it got worse and worse. I can imagine it would be difficult to discuss in a new relationship.

spotcheck · 02/07/2021 19:33

@TheFoundations

But there DOES seem to be an awful lot of men who have been messed up by porn and can't 'do' penetrative sex.
It ISN'T the same.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 02/07/2021 19:33

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dieblauenStrumpfhosen · 02/07/2021 19:35

This happened to me once. He had severe body dysmorphia and couldn't go through with sex, but would do anything else to me.

It was pre-relationship, but I had to end it there because I found the frustration too stressful and I was worried that it would make my behaviour cross a line.

RosieGuacamosie · 02/07/2021 19:39

Have you posted this before Confused

Anyway, it’s perfectly acceptable to walk away if you aren’t getting the sex you need, man or woman. Only you can decide whether you can put up with this. At 5 months in it would be a no from me.

londonscalling · 02/07/2021 19:41

If this was flipped and a man was "criticising" a woman for not having sex with him then there would be uproar. It's entirely your partner's choice. Don't pressure him. You'll either need to wait or end the relationship.

TheFoundations · 02/07/2021 19:42

@spotcheck

But there DOES seem to be an awful lot of men who have been messed up by porn and can't 'do' penetrative sex
It ISN'T the same

It's not a fair assumption to jump to, given the little information we have.

Holothane · 02/07/2021 19:45

Ok I’ve said the wrong it seems, but look at all the threads about sexless relationships. Also porn as well I was thinking of these when I replied.

RandomMess · 02/07/2021 19:45

I wonder if he is worried that he cum very quickly and is embarrassed about. Ultimately you need to ask him.

KirstenBlest · 02/07/2021 19:47

Does it matter what the reason is.
It is not you.

Bin him.

parkerpop · 02/07/2021 19:47

@londonscalling

If this was flipped and a man was "criticising" a woman for not having sex with him then there would be uproar. It's entirely your partner's choice. Don't pressure him. You'll either need to wait or end the relationship.
OP is not pressuring him, she's just frustrated and considering if there is a future. Nothing wrong with that

Also nothing wrong with a man ending a relationship with woman due to not being sexually compatible

SteelMack · 02/07/2021 19:48

Does he cum when you do other stuff OP?

Sexlife · 02/07/2021 19:50

Maybe he enjoys everything bar PS

QuentinBunbury · 02/07/2021 19:53

It could be all sorts of things
Maybe he comes really fast. Maybe he has ED. Maybe he doesn't like it.
You need to find out why. It could be something that is fixable if he feels secure.

Original poster
TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 20:10

I have asked why on a few occasions. I get vague replies like wanting to be slow. I don’t want to pressure him and if there was a specific issue I would want to stay with him and try and work together on it. I’ve told him this too.

Yes he cums doing other stuff. He’s very into massages etc and it’s all great. I just want sex together. Not even bothered how often, just matters to me to be close to him like that. I’ve told him all this and he says he wants that too. I don’t want to constantly get and be rejected and also feel inappropriate asking him for a timeframe.

OP posts: