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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In a great relationship but how can I accept this?

100 replies

TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 19:12

Been seeing someone 5 months, we’ve done lots of sex stuff but not sex. I’ve been direct about it, asked why, he’s said he didn’t want us to go too fast and that he’s nervous as hasn’t had sex for around 10 years (he’s 42). This is apparently because of not having a partner, being busy with work.

He is great in every way. The other sex stuff is great, he always asks afterwards if it’s been ok and to tell him if I want anything differently.

After the conversation about it I have waited. I’ve not tried anything. But I’ve seen him a few times since and nothing has changed. On the phone this week I said again, have you got any worries or concerns or just not into full sex, he said definitely not and he wants this with me and he’d been thinking about it. He’s always hard when we kiss. Sometimes even before we kiss and we are just hugging.

So frustrated (literally!) as he is pretty much everything I wanted in someone. Not sure what to do really.

OP posts:

Naunet · 02/07/2021 21:46

@londonscalling

If this was flipped and a man was "criticising" a woman for not having sex with him then there would be uproar. It's entirely your partner's choice. Don't pressure him. You'll either need to wait or end the relationship.

Any proof of this claim of uproar?

chickenyhead · 02/07/2021 21:50

Maybe try cooling off on the sex stuff altogether and if he asks why, just say you are frustrated by all of this foreplay with no PIV.

I couldn't have a long term relationship without PIV, but still having orgasms other ways. This wouldn't satisfy me personally. Although others may be fully happy.

TheFoundations · 02/07/2021 21:51

Are you overly focused on penetrative sex

There is no 'correct' level of focus. OP wants what she wants. That's right for her. Not overly or underly anything.

YeokensYegg · 02/07/2021 21:58

I remember you posting but don't recall if you said if he satisfies you during the sexual encounters? Are you having orgasms?

Naunet · 02/07/2021 22:01

This is a tough one when everything else is good. Personally, I don’t think it would work for me, if he’s not willing to communicate. I understand he might have been through something traumatic, but as someone who has some trauma myself, if I wasn’t able to tell someone what happened and it was impacting the relationship, I would at least explain I’d been through something and that I wasn’t ready to go into detail about yet. If I didn’t feel comfortable even saying that, then I don’t think I’d be in a position to date.

It’s hard to know how best to approach this, but I think I’d focus more on the communication factor. Tell him you feel like he’s holding something back and whilst he doesn’t need to give you details, you do want him to give you some idea of what’s going on. Don’t ask for an answer there and then, let him think about it. If he’s still not forthcoming, I think you should walk away as it shows he’s not going to try and work with you.

Paq · 02/07/2021 22:07

He has a problem, it might be PE, it might be something else. I'd walk away until he was serious about fixing it.

He's not "taking it slow", he's being dishonest with you. If you are doing everything but PIV something else is going on.

MorriseysGladioli · 02/07/2021 22:13

I would insist that it was discussed.
I think it's quite cheeky to miss out what is (for most people) a major part of sex, but to never talk about why.

Shitapillar · 02/07/2021 22:21

Look, he won't tell you why he doesn't want sex. He doesn't have to have sex, but he does have to talk about why he doesn't want it. You're in a relationship and you're owed an explantation. That way you can decide if you want to remain in it, knowing the full and true facts.
I think he's bonding you to him as fully as he can, so you fall in love and don't want to leave him. You'll be a decent person, not pressuring him to explain. But as time goes on, you'll fall more in love with him and it'll be harder to leave him. I don't think he wants PIV, not now or in the future. But hopes everything else will keep you tied to him.
It's up to you, but your choices here are carry on as you are, not getting an explanation of why he doesn't want PIV or get out now and save yourself a lot of heartache. It's five months in, and it really really shouldn't be this difficult.

Lydia777 · 02/07/2021 22:22

Firstly, to those posters saying what if the roles were reversed: I would say the same thing - sex is important to most people and most men would not keep dating someone for five months without sex and that is totally fine.

Secondly, he obviously has issues. My ex had severe ED and avoided attempting sex for a long time - I was very very nice about this so I completely understand you not wanting to push things. For me though, the issue is that he is not being honest and I feel that it is so disrespectful to you - he knows you want to have sex but it is all on his terms - he is not thinking about you in this scenario.

It shouldn't be this hard. If he can't respect you enough to be honest, it is time to leave.

JustAnotherOldMan · 02/07/2021 22:23

@TraveyChapman

Or I could just text all this. I think if I say it on the phone then he will just say the same thing.

I think txt is good idea, gives you a chance to pre-compose your message and get your thoughts across, maybe as a precursor to a face to face chat

Original poster

TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 22:43

I just really do love him :( and I’m not one to just fall for anyone, we’ve really clicked. I absolutely love being with him. It just feels so strange NOT doing it AT ALL. I’m going to have to press him to tell me why. I would feel better if he was upfront about it. It annoys me that he’s clearly hiding something.

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 02/07/2021 22:49

Okay... is this the Guy that just wants BJ's

He's happy because he gets what HE wants.. YOU give what HE wants .. but HE doesn't give YOU anything 🤔

not good 🌸

parkerpop · 02/07/2021 23:00

@TraveyChapman

Or I could just text all this. I think if I say it on the phone then he will just say the same thing.

I'm not usually a fan of serious conversations over text. However, you've tried asking him face to face multiple times and he's not given a proper answer. Maybe he'll be less embarrassed and open up more via text?

girlmom21 · 02/07/2021 23:01

I think texting about it is a good idea. It gives you time to properly say what you want to say and fully express how it makes you feel.

It may also help him communicate how he's feeling without having to try and verbalise it.

MilesOfSand · 02/07/2021 23:03

Either he knows what the issue is and hasn’t told you, or doesn’t understand what the problem is. The first is concerning as it means he’s holding back from both a sexual and communication perspective but at least there hope for it to be resolved (although not a good sign). The second is that he himself doesn’t know what the issue is which I’d say is likely hopeless from both perspectives.

MilesOfSand · 02/07/2021 23:04

It’s a bit depressing but I’d say most sexual issues don’t tend to improve, particularly with someone that won’t talk about it.

parkerpop · 02/07/2021 23:05

And a completely "out there" suggestion. Is there any possibility he's gay and trying to fight it by forcing a relationship with a female? Not even just that he's reluctant to come out but he's maybe even trying to convince himself as he would rather be straight?

I have a few gay friends (male) who had gf's in their teens. They were ok with blow jobs, wanking etc but couldn't handle piv

Original poster

TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 23:07

@parkerpop really?? That worries me! He’s always hard when we kiss though? Or even if we are cuddling close. Could he really be gay? He’s into flowers and quite sensitive but just thought that was a nice trait. This has worried me

OP posts:

Original poster

TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 23:08

@parkerpop he’s been online dating before and I’ve seen his profile obviously. So he was looking for a woman...

OP posts:

parkerpop · 02/07/2021 23:13

It's only a thought, probably not.

My two friends who mentioned this both said they managed to have sex with women but avoided piv as it was a step too far.

One of the friends came out in late teens and I don't think he'd realised he was gay when he had the female relationships then it all made sense to him.

The 2nd guy got married and had a baby so clearly there was piv sex but he described it as a chore and a means to an end (ie having a baby). He said he thought he could push his real feelings to the back of his mind and live as a straight husband/dad. It didn't last 2 long.

What struck me is that both guys had sexual relationships with women but joke now about how traumatised they were with piv sex

parkerpop · 02/07/2021 23:16

[quote TraveyChapman]@parkerpop he’s been online dating before and I’ve seen his profile obviously. So he was looking for a woman...[/quote]
Tbh it'd be a massive leap but maybe why he's been single so long (or he's possibly even secretly been with men) but now wants to settle down as a traditional nuclear family.

You'll know far better than anyone one here if this could be the case or not. If it sounds too crazy or far fetched it probably is!

Not every straight guy enjoys piv sex, and the fact that a man doesn't enjoy it doesn't mean he's gay

Knickerthief1 · 02/07/2021 23:31

I think he could be a virgin and is scared and embarrassed about it. Especially given his friends making comments about him finally finding a woman.

OliviaNewtAndJohn · 02/07/2021 23:41

I think you have (he has) a communication issue, and that’s how I’d couch it. You can’t give him in PIV ultimatum, but you can give him a communication ultimatum. He’s withholding information from you that inhibits you from making an informed decision. If he’s not being completely honest with you, you’ve nowhere to go in the conversation, and it puts you in the position of being unsure and in the dark. Rather than go for the ‘when’ question, go for the ‘why’.

BobCatBob · 03/07/2021 00:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Naunet · 03/07/2021 09:54

@QueenBee52

Okay... is this the Guy that just wants BJ's

He's happy because he gets what HE wants.. YOU give what HE wants .. but HE doesn't give YOU anything 🤔

not good 🌸

Is this the case OP? He just wants to receive oral but does nothing to satisfy you?

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