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Original poster

In a great relationship but how can I accept this?

100 replies

TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 19:12

Been seeing someone 5 months, we’ve done lots of sex stuff but not sex. I’ve been direct about it, asked why, he’s said he didn’t want us to go too fast and that he’s nervous as hasn’t had sex for around 10 years (he’s 42). This is apparently because of not having a partner, being busy with work.

He is great in every way. The other sex stuff is great, he always asks afterwards if it’s been ok and to tell him if I want anything differently.

After the conversation about it I have waited. I’ve not tried anything. But I’ve seen him a few times since and nothing has changed. On the phone this week I said again, have you got any worries or concerns or just not into full sex, he said definitely not and he wants this with me and he’d been thinking about it. He’s always hard when we kiss. Sometimes even before we kiss and we are just hugging.

So frustrated (literally!) as he is pretty much everything I wanted in someone. Not sure what to do really.

OP posts:
MilesOfSand · 02/07/2021 21:03

@category12

You've posted about this before, haven't you?

Are you going to wait another couple of weeks and then post again?

If she wants to?
Tuckedinbelly · 02/07/2021 21:05

Can you truly love a romantic partner without boning them?

Say 'a sexual relationship is important to me. This includes actual PIV sex not just foreplay. Why don't you want to do it? It's been five months, we've done everything else, what's going on? I feel fobbed off and am on the verge of calling it off with you because I don't feel you are being honest.'

And wait for him to answer.

Have you been that explicit?

sadie9 · 02/07/2021 21:05

Ask him has he got genital warts?

LuluJakey1 · 02/07/2021 21:05

I think at 42, and 5 months into a relationship (where you are doing intimate sexual things with someone you say you love), to not be having sex is odd and there is something behind this that he is not sharing with you.

chickenyhead · 02/07/2021 21:07

Perhaps he has had some trauma previously and is petrified of going there right now. It seems to be fully functioning and to be honest, if everything thing else is great, I would personally wait.

What is difficult whilst waiting is your own interpretation of this. Taking it as a sign of your validity, rather than this being about his boundaries. You need to own that part of you, but you may wish to discuss these feelings with him also in a non accusatory way. He will likely reassure you.

Original poster
TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 21:07

@LuluJakey1

I think at 42, and 5 months into a relationship (where you are doing intimate sexual things with someone you say you love), to not be having sex is odd and there is something behind this that he is not sharing with you.
@LuluJakey1 yeah I agree.

@Tuckedinbelly I’ve not given a sort of ultimatum like that but yeah I’ve been explicit.

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 02/07/2021 21:07

Could there be some sexual trauma? or maybe he's been accused of things in the past ,rightly or wrongly against somebody he was dating .
I'm trying to cone up with other reasons as to why this could be .

Original poster
TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 21:08

@chickenyhead he’s made it clear it’s not about me. I don’t think that it is. We are very intimate with other things. It’s just shit not knowing why.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 02/07/2021 21:10

If you feel he's not being honest, I'd question what he means by 'love'. I would also question whether you truly love someone you've known a few months who won't open up to you.

Are you allowing a romantic fantasy to gloss over deeper issues, here?

chickenyhead · 02/07/2021 21:11

[quote TraveyChapman]@chickenyhead he’s made it clear it’s not about me. I don’t think that it is. We are very intimate with other things. It’s just shit not knowing why.[/quote]
After trauma it takes a lot to trust another person with that information. So many people may use that against you.

All of those saying no sex in 10 years isn't normal, I am here. After severe trauma, which I am too scared to arm a partner with details of, I just cannot go there.

With support and time, I believe he will.

Tal45 · 02/07/2021 21:11

Could you just say to him "could we try having sex when you come round on Saturday".

Justmuddlingalong · 02/07/2021 21:12

Set a date in your head. If things haven't progressed, split. He's stringing you along, for whatever reason, it doesn't really matter. You're not happy with the lack of sex, he gives the impression that it'll happen soon, so you hang about waiting for soon to arrive. And if he does eventually have full PIV sex, will it become a regular thing or be a one off?

Original poster
TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 21:13

@Tal45

Could you just say to him "could we try having sex when you come round on Saturday".
@Tal45 I feel like that’s pressuring him? Would it be? Or sounds like I’m desperate for it. I don’t know...just wanted it to happen I think.
OP posts:
BashandWhizz · 02/07/2021 21:13

Is he definitely heterosexual?

DespairingHomeowner · 02/07/2021 21:14

I'd be thinking he has ED which is surprisingly common, or just a very low sex drive

Only you can decide how much time you will give it for trust to develop/or for him to be honest with you

I can understand that you would find this irritating.

category12 · 02/07/2021 21:16

he says he does want it but nothing changes. If he was saying he wasn’t interested that would be easier but he’s not and in all other areas he’s always showing me how much he cares and loves me.

You've got to pay attention to his actions.

You're both adults.
He knows it's bizarre for a mature couple who have been together five months not to be having sex unless there's a religious or other reason.

It would be fine if he told you why and you were OK with whatever the reason was, but the refusing to explain why it never happens when he pretends he wants it to, just feels like a bizarre power play and disrespectful.

randomkey123 · 02/07/2021 21:17

It's making you unhappy, OP.

Walk away. Whatever his issue is, it doesn't have to be yours.

Original poster
TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 21:18

I’m wondering whether to call him tonight about it rather than going over tomorrow? I was going to see how tomorrow goes but tbh we’ve been here before and I don’t fancy another Saturday night of rejection!

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 02/07/2021 21:24

ED, micro-penis, abuse/ trauma history, been told he is a bad lover in the past, asexual, gay but in denial...lack of sexual intercourse is the least of your problems after so many months of dating. You should feel free to discuss the issue openly and find the cause. If this continues, you could be 5 years into a relationship with a man who wants sex infrequently or not at all. As upsetting as it might be, these things need addressing now as they are important to you, and perhaps a source of anxiety to him.

JustAnotherOldMan · 02/07/2021 21:24

100% what category12 just posted

CandyLeBonBon · 02/07/2021 21:24

I think it's a good idea op. Even saying 'is there a reason you can't tell me why you can't talk about it?' Is a way to open up the conversation.

He could be worried about premature evacuation. But I agree it would be good to know where you stand - good luck Thanks

Isthisit22 · 02/07/2021 21:26

I remember you asking this a few weeks ago too. You know deep down that this is not working. He has some kind of issue with sex that he's not willing or able to share.
Time to move on, before your self esteem is crushed.

beigebrownblue · 02/07/2021 21:44

Oh dear. Think you need to be clear about what the 'other sex stuff' is.

If somebody is having an orgasm and is satisfied surely that's fine.

Wouldn't worry so much about how you or they get there.

Are you overly focused on penetrative sex?

Good luck

Tuckedinbelly · 02/07/2021 21:46

I would do it face to face op, don't call tonight. You'll get more from the conversation and you've waited this long

Original poster
TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 21:46

Or I could just text all this. I think if I say it on the phone then he will just say the same thing.

OP posts:
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