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Original poster

In a great relationship but how can I accept this?

100 replies

TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 19:12

Been seeing someone 5 months, we’ve done lots of sex stuff but not sex. I’ve been direct about it, asked why, he’s said he didn’t want us to go too fast and that he’s nervous as hasn’t had sex for around 10 years (he’s 42). This is apparently because of not having a partner, being busy with work.

He is great in every way. The other sex stuff is great, he always asks afterwards if it’s been ok and to tell him if I want anything differently.

After the conversation about it I have waited. I’ve not tried anything. But I’ve seen him a few times since and nothing has changed. On the phone this week I said again, have you got any worries or concerns or just not into full sex, he said definitely not and he wants this with me and he’d been thinking about it. He’s always hard when we kiss. Sometimes even before we kiss and we are just hugging.

So frustrated (literally!) as he is pretty much everything I wanted in someone. Not sure what to do really.

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 02/07/2021 20:14

He will has his reasons for going slow, whatever they may be,
I think the only thing you can can really do is put a timescale on either when you would like to having intercourse, or a valid reason why he doesn’t want to have intercourse (not just going slowly), whatever that reason may be, and take things from there, but not just keep waiting

TheFoundations · 02/07/2021 20:15

If he understands that you need this resolved or you can't continue the relationship, and still continues to be vague, then you know what you need to do.

If he doesn't understand that, make sure you've made it clear to him.

It's not pressuring him to tell him what you need in a relationship. Currently he gets what he needs and you don't get what you need. If the only way to get what you need is for him to do something he doesn't want to do, you're simply incompatible.

Original poster
TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 20:25

We’ve said we love each other (and I really do love him). I don’t want to throw it away over this as I’m not actually msssively bothered by lots of sex. I just don’t want it to be not at all

OP posts:
Nuggetnugget · 02/07/2021 20:30

Is he Catholic?
I went out with someone who wouldn't due to religious reasons.

Tuckedinbelly · 02/07/2021 20:32

He's into massages?

Tbh I'd think it was really weird after five months and would say the same if sexes reversed

TheFoundations · 02/07/2021 20:36

@TraveyChapman

We’ve said we love each other (and I really do love him). I don’t want to throw it away over this as I’m not actually msssively bothered by lots of sex. I just don’t want it to be not at all
If you're not particularly bothered about sex, then this is bothering you on a different level. He is shutting you out, by not sharing with you why he's unwilling.

If he said to you 'It's because I'm worried about x or y, and I feel really insecure and I'm scared you won't understand', or some other, similar opening-up sort of thing, you'd feel much better, wouldn't you? Even if that didn't mean you had sex?

Regularsizedrudy · 02/07/2021 20:40

Haven’t you posted about this twice before!? Or is this just weirdly common now?

myfuckingfreezer · 02/07/2021 20:43

Are the person who has posted about this a couple of times recently? I'm not sure you're going to get a different answer!

Original poster
TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 20:43

@TheFoundations yes exactly that! There’s obviously a reason and he’s not telling me. I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m pushy or insensitive. I would listen and be as understanding as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 20:45

I posted a few weeks ago. Nothing haw changed other than I’ve been more direct and he’s been direct back saying yes he wants that.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/07/2021 20:46

You've posted about this before, haven't you?

Are you going to wait another couple of weeks and then post again?

category12 · 02/07/2021 20:47

x-posted

Nothing haw changed other than I’ve been more direct and he’s been direct back saying yes he wants that.

But he evidently doesn't, otherwise you'd be having sex. He don't wanna.

gamerchick · 02/07/2021 20:48

Of you've posted before its obviously bothering you a lot. It doesn't matter his reasons, it's absolutely fine for him to have his reasons but this isn't working for you.

You can't force it but you can stop the play if it's frustrating you and decide on whether it's a deal breaker or not.

Regularsizedrudy · 02/07/2021 20:48

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

You need to tell him a sexual relationship is important for you and if that’s not possible walk away.

mn2022 · 02/07/2021 20:48

Deja vu here.

TheFoundations · 02/07/2021 20:49

[quote TraveyChapman]@TheFoundations yes exactly that! There’s obviously a reason and he’s not telling me. I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m pushy or insensitive. I would listen and be as understanding as possible.[/quote]
Can you ask him why he doesn't want to talk about it? Rather than asking him to talk about it?

Is he making you feel like he thinks you're pushy or insensitive?

It's not all about you listening to him and being understanding. He needs to listen to you and be understanding, too. Does he do that?

JustAnotherOldMan · 02/07/2021 20:52

[quote TraveyChapman]@TheFoundations yes exactly that! There’s obviously a reason and he’s not telling me. I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m pushy or insensitive. I would listen and be as understanding as possible.[/quote]
You may just have to be blunt and explain what you you have expressed above or rethink the relationship, not sure what other options you have TBH.

sadie9 · 02/07/2021 20:55

There's something going on here.
Have you met and socialised with his friends and family?

Original poster
TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 20:58

@TheFoundations yes he does listen and make an effort in other areas, but tbh it’s a great relationship with no other issues really.

I guess I’m finding it hard and posting again @category12 because he says he does want it but nothing changes. If he was saying he wasn’t interested that would be easier but he’s not and in all other areas he’s always showing me how much he cares and loves me.

Urghhh fed up.

OP posts:
mn2022 · 02/07/2021 20:59

Honestly OP relationships should not be this hard 5 months in.

Original poster
TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 20:59

@sadie9 yeah. His friends do often joke that they can’t believe he’s finally found someone. It was funny at first but getting old now.

OP posts:
Original poster
TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 21:00

@mn2022 it’s not hard in all other ways though. I really do love him.

OP posts:
Tuckedinbelly · 02/07/2021 21:00

'a few weeks' between him saying he wants sex and no sex happening... I don't think he does want it.

Tell him what you want and if he doesn't agree it's time to move on op.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/07/2021 21:01

If he's not willing to change, you have to. Either accept the relationship how it is, or split. You've made your point of view clear, so has he. Something's got to give.

Original poster
TraveyChapman · 02/07/2021 21:03

@Justmuddlingalong it would be so much easier if he was honest. Saying he really wants that then it not changing... makes it very confusing.

OP posts: