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Original poster

What should I do about my friend and her party?

92 replies

BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 20:41

This may be long, so please forgive me.

I don’t know what to do about my friend. We’ve known each other since we were 11, so 20 odd years now. We’ve not spoken at all in over a year, apart from a few texts, but she’s now invited me to her anniversary party and I don’t know whether to go or not.

My friend is really kind, incredibly smart and a very nice person. I miss her a lot and wish we could go back to how things were.

Over a year ago I had a tragic family incident that my friend really helped me with. We chatted for hours on the phone almost daily and once the first lockdown was lifted, we went on walks. She was engaged at this point and as I’m married, we talked about lots of marriage related things too.

She got married in a very small ceremony (I wasn’t invited because of Covid) last summer. We haven’t spoken once since.

She moved down south, started a new job (shift work) and got married. A complete change in her lifestyle.

At this point I was still trying to cope with my family tragedy and developed anxiety which I had counselling for and is now much better.

We texted a few times but the conversation never really went anywhere.

Over the year we have arranged to chat on the phone a few times. All the times I have told my friend when I’m free and as she’s the one working shifts, told her just to call me when she was off-shift. She never called and wouldn’t acknowledge that she didn’t call in her next ‘Happy New Year’ type text.

Over a year on and her first anniversary is coming up. As they couldn’t have a big wedding, her and her husband have organised a big anniversary party. Myself and my husband are invited. But I’m not sure why? I’m not really sure if we’re friends anymore and I literally have no idea what her life is like. She hasn’t checked in with me about how I’m coping with what happened and to be honest, I don’t feel like I know her at all.

Last week, I called her without arranging it beforehand like I’ve tried in the past. She didn’t pick up, but did text to see if it was an emergency. I told her it wasn’t and that I just wanted to see how she was and chat before her big party and to call me when she was free. She didn’t reply and hasn’t called since.

So, what do I do? Do I book a hotel in the city where she lives for her party? Do I go? If not, do I tell her why?

Just to add, my friend has been back to the city I live in and she is from multiple times over the past year but hasn’t once let me know and suggested meeting up.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

I really don’t know what to do. I miss my friend, but I think our friendship might be over?

OP posts:
smallandimperfectlyformed · 01/07/2021 20:46

Oh that sounds sad. I don't think I would bother with going to the party if I were you, I would be worried that you would go there and she would make little effort with you. I am sorry that she has not been a real friend to you recently

Original poster
BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 20:55

@smallandimperfectlyformed thank you for replying!

Would you let her know why beforehand?

I sort of feel like having it out, but actually I’m more sad than angry and I don’t want to add to her stress while she’s planning the party.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 21:04

Bump

OP posts:
thefourgp · 01/07/2021 21:12

She’s gradually pulling away from you. You’ve reached out multiple times and she’s rebuffed you. I wouldn’t go. You don’t need to be confrontational or fall out. Just make up an excuse for not going. It sounds like she’s invited you because she feels obliged and not because she really wants you there. It’s a shame when close friendships peter out but I don’t think there’s much more you can do about it.

WantingToWonder · 01/07/2021 21:15

Hmm I don't know OP.

I have friends who I have known since aged 11 (so almost 40 years) and sometimes we don't speak for a year (and we are all local to each other!). But when we do catch up it's like normal. I know anyone of them would come to my house tonight if I called them and said I needed them.

I dunno, I guess life gets in the way sometimes.

Is she one of your only friends ?

LondonCrone · 01/07/2021 21:16

Kindly, OP, it sounds like you’ve been a bit of a draining friend for her lately — you say that you spoke for hours daily about your life and that she hasn’t checked in on how you’re doing. But she’s just had a few massive upheavals as well! You say you don’t know anything about her new life. Is that because you haven’t asked? Perhaps, and with kindness, she isn’t taking your calls because she doesn’t want to spend an hour listening to you with no chance of reciprocity. I would go to the party and try to learn about her new life — who her friends are, what her job is like, how she’s coping in a new city. I’m sorry that you’ve had a hard time, but friendships need to go both ways.

ChicoryBlue · 01/07/2021 21:17

I really don’t see what she’s done wrong, other than be busy/preoccupied during the pandemic. I sometimes don’t speak to/see old friends for years at a time. Not everyone likes to be phoned up.

If you valued your friendship and want to remain friends, go to the party. Or tell her you can’t make the party but would love to catch up one-to-one, and leave the ball in her court. Or let the friendship go and don’t bother with the party/catch up.

Original poster
BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 21:18

@thefourgp thank you for your reply!

Wouldn’t making up an excuse let her think that she’s done nothing wrong? I sort of want to tell her how much I’m hurting. It’s been the worst year of my life and she hasn’t even checked in on me.

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 01/07/2021 21:20

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, covid has done weird things to people.

burnoutbabe · 01/07/2021 21:21

If it was an invite for just you 2, then fine but at a party you'd probably get no chance to really chat. So I'd say you are busy but love you visit another time, them come to you.

thefourgp · 01/07/2021 21:22

But she hasn’t done anything wrong. You offered you a lot of support and has since gone through a lot of big changes in her own life. I agree with what @LondonCrone has said.

thefourgp · 01/07/2021 21:22

Sorry she offered you a lot of support

Middlesboroughgirl · 01/07/2021 21:22

I'm with wantingtowander. I have friends from childhood that I maybe wouldn't speak to for a year because they live far away and I'm not great on the phone but we make sure we see each other every year or so and have a blast being together again and catching up and feeling relaxed because we have known each other since forever. If you want to go and are only worried in case she doesn't bother with you then I would go and see and take it from there. If you don't want to go then that's a bit different and I would make an excuse and not go.

HotPenguin · 01/07/2021 21:26

I would give her the benefit of the doubt to be honest before you Chuck the friendship away. It sounds like she gave you a lot of support, and a year isn't that long. Maybe she has had her own problems, or maybe she felt you were a bit of a drain on her? I would take this opportunity to go to her party, put the focus on her, have some fun together.

Original poster
BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 21:26

@thefourgp

Sorry she offered you a lot of support
That’s an interesting way of looking at it.

I did think that maybe she was so happy that she didn’t want to spend time with someone as sad and down as me. But maybe it’s been overwhelming for her too. But so overwhelming not to call once in a whole year? I reached out and she didn’t reply, that’s a little bit off, surely?

OP posts:
Wombat36 · 01/07/2021 21:31

Were you supportive of her move, her new job and marriage, all of which are big life events?

If you need to have hours of support, then it's time for professional help. Most people with complex lives of their own do not have time to take on someone in deep distress over an extended amount of time. It's very emotionally draining.

Spudina · 01/07/2021 21:32

The party wouldn’t be the right time to tell her you are hurting. If you go to the party, you have to go with the knowledge that won’t be when your issues will be resolved and that it will be about getting to know her new life etc. I think it would be good to go to show her the support she has shown you, when you needed it the most. I think you will get a better sense when you are in the same room if this is a friendship that can survive.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 01/07/2021 21:34

I think you're being very harsh on your friend. She's inviting you to her wedding celebration party. I think you'd be really mean not to go.

It's been a horrible year for everyone - she's probably had a lot going on. She sounds like she's been a good friend to you when you were going through a tough time, why can't you just write off the last year, go to the party and be a good friend to her?

She obviously wants you in her life otherwise she wouldn't have invited you.

It doesn't matter that she has visited the area and not seen you - I don't see what she's done wrong.

In the kindest way, you do sound like you have leaned on her a lot. Maybe she couldn't cope with any more last year. Just go!

Original poster
BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 21:34

@LondonCrone I went through a major family tragedy and she supported me through it. I also chatted with her about her wedding plans, her nervousness about moving etc. It wasn’t one way, but I admit that I wasn’t fun to be be around then. But I thought that’s what friendships were about? My other friends didn’t drop me and now that I’m better we meet up and have fun as normal. I’ve asked about her life, but it’s not very easy over messaging when you’re so used to chatting/ meeting up.

@WantingToWonder no, I have many friends, but she is my oldest friend.

OP posts:
parietal · 01/07/2021 21:37

things seem ambiguous at the moment. if you want to be sure how you stand, go to the party but don't aim to have a big deep conversation there. Just go to celebrate her marriage and have a general catchup on the last year. If that goes well, you can keep in touch more.

But as PPs have said, it is quite normal to stay friends without having regular conversations - old friends can catch up at irregular intervals and still have a good time.

why not invite her to yours or to a lunch out sometime later in the summer?

drpet49 · 01/07/2021 21:39

I am baffled by some of these replies. Only on MN I suppose.

I am with you OP. She couldn’t even be bothered to meet up with you when she has visited several times where you live. I think she is just inviting you to be polite but to me this friendship is over.

RandomCatGenerator · 01/07/2021 21:40

Agree with @ChicoryBlue and @BigBlueDesk. And a year isn’t that long, and for many people it has been total shit.

I live overseas and my close friends are the ones I can not speak to for months and then get in touch with, for a laugh or for advice or a shoulder to cry on. I am not good at friendships where it’s otherwise - I hate phone calls, am on video calls all day for work so am sick of those, and suffer from bad fatigue which means I sleep in much of my spare time. Good friends will understand that. But everyone is different.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a crap year.

Original poster
BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 21:41

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn

I think you're being very harsh on your friend. She's inviting you to her wedding celebration party. I think you'd be really mean not to go.

It's been a horrible year for everyone - she's probably had a lot going on. She sounds like she's been a good friend to you when you were going through a tough time, why can't you just write off the last year, go to the party and be a good friend to her?

She obviously wants you in her life otherwise she wouldn't have invited you.

It doesn't matter that she has visited the area and not seen you - I don't see what she's done wrong.

In the kindest way, you do sound like you have leaned on her a lot. Maybe she couldn't cope with any more last year. Just go!

I guess I did lean a lot on her. But I was going through something awful and it wasn’t one way. During that time, she would text me if I hadn’t called her in a few days, so I think she genuinely cared. But I’ve made so much progress in the last year and she doesn’t even know because we haven’t spoken. I’m not a drain anymore.

With the visiting, I guess I would just expect her to say “I’m in town for the weekend, fancy meeting up for a coffee/walk/ catch up?”. I would’ve done the same if I was in her city, but haven’t been.

OP posts:
Spudina · 01/07/2021 21:42

I learnt when I had my own depression that drove away friends, that every one has their limits. Even good/old friends dropped me. I know now not to appear down/upset with certain people. We have fun together. It’s simply too much to lean on one person. Plus your friend has had COVID and all of her life changing events in one year. It’s a lot.

Doublestar · 01/07/2021 21:43

The fact she has invited you means she would like to see you so I don't think she wants to completely cut you off, but maybe she just doesn't need such a close relationship with you anymore now that she's married. That's perfectly natural.

I barely see my oldest friends for months at a time, especially through covid - I think maybe you are expecting too much from her - real friends don't need to live in each other's pockets. I also never talk to my friends on the phone, we text and WhatsApp and meet up about 4-5 times a year. That's enough for us - maybe your friend is the same?