What should I do about my friend and her party?

[BigBlueDesk]

This may be long, so please forgive me.

I don’t know what to do about my friend. We’ve known each other since we were 11, so 20 odd years now. We’ve not spoken at all in over a year, apart from a few texts, but she’s now invited me to her anniversary party and I don’t know whether to go or not.

My friend is really kind, incredibly smart and a very nice person. I miss her a lot and wish we could go back to how things were.

Over a year ago I had a tragic family incident that my friend really helped me with. We chatted for hours on the phone almost daily and once the first lockdown was lifted, we went on walks. She was engaged at this point and as I’m married, we talked about lots of marriage related things too.

She got married in a very small ceremony (I wasn’t invited because of Covid) last summer. We haven’t spoken once since.

She moved down south, started a new job (shift work) and got married. A complete change in her lifestyle.

At this point I was still trying to cope with my family tragedy and developed anxiety which I had counselling for and is now much better.

We texted a few times but the conversation never really went anywhere.

Over the year we have arranged to chat on the phone a few times. All the times I have told my friend when I’m free and as she’s the one working shifts, told her just to call me when she was off-shift. She never called and wouldn’t acknowledge that she didn’t call in her next ‘Happy New Year’ type text.

Over a year on and her first anniversary is coming up. As they couldn’t have a big wedding, her and her husband have organised a big anniversary party. Myself and my husband are invited. But I’m not sure why? I’m not really sure if we’re friends anymore and I literally have no idea what her life is like. She hasn’t checked in with me about how I’m coping with what happened and to be honest, I don’t feel like I know her at all.

Last week, I called her without arranging it beforehand like I’ve tried in the past. She didn’t pick up, but did text to see if it was an emergency. I told her it wasn’t and that I just wanted to see how she was and chat before her big party and to call me when she was free. She didn’t reply and hasn’t called since.

So, what do I do? Do I book a hotel in the city where she lives for her party? Do I go? If not, do I tell her why?

Just to add, my friend has been back to the city I live in and she is from multiple times over the past year but hasn’t once let me know and suggested meeting up.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

I really don’t know what to do. I miss my friend, but I think our friendship might be over?

Id go to the party, as i think then youll get a better idea of how it stands. I actually dont think a year of low communication is a big deal. People have stuff going on in their own lives. I have loads of people i really care about but we hardly ever catch up properly due to life getting in the way. Low maintenance friends are the best

@GuineaP1g

The way you've replied to anyone who suggests you've been quite a selfish friend is very telling to be honest.

Could you explain to me how I've been selfish?

She supported me through a very difficult time. During that time we also chatted about weddings, marriage, relationships etc as that's what was going on in her life.

We've hardly spoken since, despite me trying to find a good time to call her. I want to find out about her life, her new job, marriage etc.

When organising a call didn't get anywhere, I tried to just call. She didn't pick up and didn't text back. She has been back to our home town multiple times but hasn't even suggested meeting for a coffee.

I'm still probably going to spend £200 on a hotel + gifts etc and drive for five hours to go to her party.

I admit I was a sad sack a year ago, but I don't think I was selfish. I just leaned on a friend during a shit time, haven't spoken to her since, despite trying, and am now trying to figure out where I stand.

I wouldn't consider the friendship over but it has become different to what it was previously.

I probably wouldn't go to the Reception, simply because l wouldn't see the point as you'd be sitting their with your DH .... which you could do at home for a lot less £££.

If there will be other's there that you want to see, then I'd consider going.

The fact that she’s not let you know when she’s back I don’t think is a factor to be mad at. Unless you’ve moved away from where you used to live, you have no idea how many people you need to try and fit in during that visit. Everyone says they understand that you have to visit other people but if you’re not the person that gets visited it leads to hurt feelings. So sometimes it’s easier not to mention that you’re visiting. When I visit my home town, I spend the whole time bouncing from one visit to another. It’s lovely that so many people want to see me but there isn’t enough hours in a weekend. Every visit is watching the clock to make sure we’re not late for the next visit with someone. When I’ve wanted some longer and more relaxed time with just my mum, I don’t tell other people I’m coming up so I can just spend time with her. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love the other people or I don’t want to visit them, it just means there is not enough time. Very few people also visit you when you’ve moved away. I’m happy to put people up at mine and spend a weekend with them properly. Nobody ever wants to come down, which is fine, I moved away but they can’t expect me to squeeze everyone in when I’m back for a weekend.

From your friend’s point of view - she got married. She couldn’t have the wedding she wanted because of the pandemic. She’s made the difficult decision whether to have a celebration with all her favourite people or to suck it up and get married. It’s not what she wanted and she probably feels sad that she didn’t get the wedding she wanted. She then moved across the country in a pandemic. There aren’t going to be groups happening where she can find new friends. She won’t have been able to meet people at the gym. She won’t have been able to have a drink with colleagues. She’ll have been maintaining distance from all her colleagues, possibly sitting with a screen between her. She won’t have even been able to find a new favourite restaurant that her and husband like for date nights. She’s not been able to show anyone her new house or where she lives. She’s started working a shift pattern, which messes you up anyway. My friend is a police officer and she’s always responding to texts at odd times and she forgets, but that’s because her work pushes her outside of normal working hours and into unsociable hours. If she’s been working a shift pattern, that implies that she’s been leaving the house during the pandemic, so she’s had the stress of that and possibly anxiety around that.

She’s had a hard year. You’ve had a hard year. Sometimes it happens that two friends have hard years at the same time and they both prioritise their own lives or don’t have capacity for more. It doesn’t mean the friendship is over.

The anniversary party is not going to be when you have a long catch up because it is a big party. However, it is the place that you can give her a big hug, tell her you’ve missed her and comment what a year it’s been. It’s the place that you can ask if you can have a meet up, maybe halfway or if she’d mind if you visited her in a couple of weeks.

I think your plan to go, not expect too much, and see how things go is a good one, but hoping for warm friendly not deep chats as it’s not the setting for that. After that you can decide. She may have been struggling. Why gifts though?? Who brings gifts to an anniversary party? You bought her a wedding gift, she really doesn’t need a hooray you made it to one year married gift.

@InTheNightWeWillWish

The fact that she’s not let you know when she’s back I don’t think is a factor to be mad at. Unless you’ve moved away from where you used to live, you have no idea how many people you need to try and fit in during that visit. Everyone says they understand that you have to visit other people but if you’re not the person that gets visited it leads to hurt feelings. So sometimes it’s easier not to mention that you’re visiting. When I visit my home town, I spend the whole time bouncing from one visit to another. It’s lovely that so many people want to see me but there isn’t enough hours in a weekend. Every visit is watching the clock to make sure we’re not late for the next visit with someone. When I’ve wanted some longer and more relaxed time with just my mum, I don’t tell other people I’m coming up so I can just spend time with her. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love the other people or I don’t want to visit them, it just means there is not enough time. Very few people also visit you when you’ve moved away. I’m happy to put people up at mine and spend a weekend with them properly. Nobody ever wants to come down, which is fine, I moved away but they can’t expect me to squeeze everyone in when I’m back for a weekend.

From your friend’s point of view - she got married. She couldn’t have the wedding she wanted because of the pandemic. She’s made the difficult decision whether to have a celebration with all her favourite people or to suck it up and get married. It’s not what she wanted and she probably feels sad that she didn’t get the wedding she wanted. She then moved across the country in a pandemic. There aren’t going to be groups happening where she can find new friends. She won’t have been able to meet people at the gym. She won’t have been able to have a drink with colleagues. She’ll have been maintaining distance from all her colleagues, possibly sitting with a screen between her. She won’t have even been able to find a new favourite restaurant that her and husband like for date nights. She’s not been able to show anyone her new house or where she lives. She’s started working a shift pattern, which messes you up anyway. My friend is a police officer and she’s always responding to texts at odd times and she forgets, but that’s because her work pushes her outside of normal working hours and into unsociable hours. If she’s been working a shift pattern, that implies that she’s been leaving the house during the pandemic, so she’s had the stress of that and possibly anxiety around that.

She’s had a hard year. You’ve had a hard year. Sometimes it happens that two friends have hard years at the same time and they both prioritise their own lives or don’t have capacity for more. It doesn’t mean the friendship is over.

The anniversary party is not going to be when you have a long catch up because it is a big party. However, it is the place that you can give her a big hug, tell her you’ve missed her and comment what a year it’s been. It’s the place that you can ask if you can have a meet up, maybe halfway or if she’d mind if you visited her in a couple of weeks.

@InTheNightWeWillWish Thanks for this. That's a really interesting perspective. I've never moved away so I had no idea what it's like, but yes I can imagine that its super busy when you're back. And maybe if you get in to the routine of visiting to spend the weekend with your parents, it might just not occur to you to try to meet up with others.

Unfortunately, it's too far to visit in a day (would require a hotel stay), but I can definitely tell her that I'd love to have her round for dinner/ a catch up when she's next in town and make clear that I'd like to find out about her life.

@timeisnotaline

I think your plan to go, not expect too much, and see how things go is a good one, but hoping for warm friendly not deep chats as it’s not the setting for that. After that you can decide. She may have been struggling. Why gifts though?? Who brings gifts to an anniversary party? You bought her a wedding gift, she really doesn’t need a hooray you made it to one year married gift.

I don't know- I thought that's what people do? I've never been to an anniversary party before!

I think the fact you had considered her not seeing you when she's in town a snub and hadn't considered the challenges someone faces when coming back for visits until these were pointed out to you supports the suggestion made by some that you aren't seeing her side of things fairly.

Life is difficult. I have friends I value hugely but sometimes life gets in the way and I don't get in touch for a while. It doesn't mean I'm not interested in being their friend anymore.

Some people find reaching out to friends is what helps them through challenging times. Others distance themselves. I would take it as a sign she had stuff going on rather than she doesn't care about your friendship.

I just wouldn't go. I'd send a polite apology.

I would also move on from this person. It's not a friendship anymore.

No need to be rude, hostile or have a row. Just don't bother at all anymore.

Fill your life with people who make the same effort and investment in your relationships as you do.

At this point I was still trying to cope with my family tragedy and developed anxiety which I had counselling for and is now much better.

When you were struggling with anxiety, did you stop contacting her/everyone? I lost a lot of friends before I sought help, because when things were bad I would cut myself off from them with no explanation. Naturally they thought I had ghosted them and weren't interested when I finally felt able to talk.

MM, I think you have been very selfish and self absorbed, even if it is entirely understandable. You tried to arrange calls but always sort of left it to her (I am sure you saw that as being helpful, she probably just saw it as yet another thing to add to her mental load around your friendship) then, you call her ONE time, she responds to check it's not urgent but doesn't call you back and you see this as a huge crisis?

Meanwhile. she's also had a lot of things happening in her life. You keep saying you want to know about it, but what are you actually doing? Generic text messages saying, "how are things with you" don't exactly engender a sense of real involvement.

Personally, I'd text her. Tell her you really want to come to the party. You feel there's been a bit of a distance between you and her and you think a bit part of that has been trying to get over the trauma you suffered (and that you're super grateful for her support). Then be proactive - suggest that you arrange something for her or do something for the party, or tell her you'll call her in a few days.... and then call.

Right now, you do make some effort, but it's all quite mild and it seems to put the pressure on her - if she doesn't respond the right way, you back right off again.

I don't think the friend has done anything wrong and I think this sounds pretty normal and acceptable for busy adult friendships. They don't need to be intense and full of phone calls. Would go to the party and no reason to think the friendship is over at all.

Another person who think she hasn't done anything wrong. If you didn't go to the party that would be really off and she'd be reasonable to drop you asa friend. I'm sorry you've had to deal with tragedy. It sounds like she's had a bug year and covid has meant that everyone has not kept up with friends. I wouldn't take it personally.

I don’t think you were selfish, demanding or self absorbed. Some people are so mean. I think she has just moved on, married, new town new friends etc, and can’t find a way to tell you.

I think she invited you to the party a bit out of guilt, and because as a big occasion it’s not private or is so intense to see you, she can be all light and friendly but not meaningful communication.

I’ve had 2 friends do this. One got married and quickly had a child and just drifted away. The other moved cities for a new job, got a new boyfriend and that was it. Whilst I expected contact to drop away a bit, in both cases I started to feel actively unwanted. Despite loads of effort on my part trying to arrange visits and catch ups, emailing as well as calling/texting I’d get vague replies and no commitment to an actual date etc. I started to feel like I looked a bit desperate contacting them with such lukewarm responses so stopped and let them go.

On the other hand I have a bunch of friends in my home country I rarely see - years can go by - but when I go back they go out of their way to catch up, driving long distances or even flying to me if I can't make it to them. And they were amazing over first lockdown setting up Zooms despite the horrible time difference. We Whatsapp frequently, and just check in every now and then if someone's gone a bit quiet. That's friendship.

Personally I would not go to the party, but your idea of treating it as a nice weekend with the husband and a party seems a good idea as it sounds like you need some closure and to see her one last time. Hopefully there will be some mutual friends you will also know to socialise with? Just try to talk to her early on in the party and don’t get pissed and pour your heart out!

Very gently, you’ve been hard work because you’ve obviously had a very traumatic situation. She has also had some major life up heals this last year. And, covid, for both of you.

Don’t be dramatic. Go to the party with a good nature, or politely decline and reiterate that you’d love to see her one on one sometime soon. But don’t tell her you’re hurting when, quite probably, she is also hurting too.

Try to put this in the “shit year” category rather than seeing it as a personal slight.

Usually I'm very much of the bin them off if they are causing stress mentality but I'm not sure here.

It doesn't sound that bad to me and I think you're doing the right thing in going. Maybe she doesn't want to know you any more but I wouldn't bet on that. It's just been a mad year for us all.

Go to the party and see how it feels to see her then make a decision.

As you don’t really know what’s going on in someone’s life unless they expressly tell you, I think it’s great that you’re not just dropping her atm. Perhaps she’s withdrawn because she’s suffering from depression herself, or maybe moving away has been harder than she thought. You can’t tell… just go to the wedding with your DH and have a great time. When she’s back from the honeymoon, get in touch to thank her and also let her know how much you really want to reconnect. If she doesn’t respond, then maybe ask her why she invited you if that’s not what she wants after all.