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Original poster

What should I do about my friend and her party?

92 replies

BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 20:41

This may be long, so please forgive me.

I don’t know what to do about my friend. We’ve known each other since we were 11, so 20 odd years now. We’ve not spoken at all in over a year, apart from a few texts, but she’s now invited me to her anniversary party and I don’t know whether to go or not.

My friend is really kind, incredibly smart and a very nice person. I miss her a lot and wish we could go back to how things were.

Over a year ago I had a tragic family incident that my friend really helped me with. We chatted for hours on the phone almost daily and once the first lockdown was lifted, we went on walks. She was engaged at this point and as I’m married, we talked about lots of marriage related things too.

She got married in a very small ceremony (I wasn’t invited because of Covid) last summer. We haven’t spoken once since.

She moved down south, started a new job (shift work) and got married. A complete change in her lifestyle.

At this point I was still trying to cope with my family tragedy and developed anxiety which I had counselling for and is now much better.

We texted a few times but the conversation never really went anywhere.

Over the year we have arranged to chat on the phone a few times. All the times I have told my friend when I’m free and as she’s the one working shifts, told her just to call me when she was off-shift. She never called and wouldn’t acknowledge that she didn’t call in her next ‘Happy New Year’ type text.

Over a year on and her first anniversary is coming up. As they couldn’t have a big wedding, her and her husband have organised a big anniversary party. Myself and my husband are invited. But I’m not sure why? I’m not really sure if we’re friends anymore and I literally have no idea what her life is like. She hasn’t checked in with me about how I’m coping with what happened and to be honest, I don’t feel like I know her at all.

Last week, I called her without arranging it beforehand like I’ve tried in the past. She didn’t pick up, but did text to see if it was an emergency. I told her it wasn’t and that I just wanted to see how she was and chat before her big party and to call me when she was free. She didn’t reply and hasn’t called since.

So, what do I do? Do I book a hotel in the city where she lives for her party? Do I go? If not, do I tell her why?

Just to add, my friend has been back to the city I live in and she is from multiple times over the past year but hasn’t once let me know and suggested meeting up.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

I really don’t know what to do. I miss my friend, but I think our friendship might be over?

OP posts:

NCwhatsmynameagain · 01/07/2021 21:43

Don’t judge her too harshly when this has all gone on against the backdrop of a pandemic that has fucked with everyone mental health, social skills, friendships, the works. We have to just all give each other a break and the benefit of the doubt for now, and then try to get back on track when we can.

Original poster

BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 21:44

@drpet49

I am baffled by some of these replies. Only on MN I suppose.

I am with you OP. She couldn’t even be bothered to meet up with you when she has visited several times where you live. I think she is just inviting you to be polite but to me this friendship is over.

I did think that maybe she invited me because I have her a nice wedding present and she said she would a year ago. Out of politeness because she thought I might find out somehow.

It doesn’t feel like a friendship anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 21:48

@Doublestar

The fact she has invited you means she would like to see you so I don't think she wants to completely cut you off, but maybe she just doesn't need such a close relationship with you anymore now that she's married. That's perfectly natural.

I barely see my oldest friends for months at a time, especially through covid - I think maybe you are expecting too much from her - real friends don't need to live in each other's pockets. I also never talk to my friends on the phone, we text and WhatsApp and meet up about 4-5 times a year. That's enough for us - maybe your friend is the same?

But we used to chat all the time?

I’m married, but still want to be close friends with her. We have so much history and have know each other for so long. I don’t mean be in each other’s pockets, but maybe meet up once in a year? Ask how their work is going, how their new house is etc. She hasn’t even replied to my message.

I think it’s perfectly fine for people to have different kinds of friendships, but I don’t think I’m ok with cutting (nearly) all contact unilaterally.

OP posts:

Lindtnotlint · 01/07/2021 21:48

Of course you should go! It’s a big deal (it’s basically her wedding party) and you are her oldest friend - even if your friendship is going through a quiet patch right now. She has had a busy year, who knows what’s been going on for her, and she’s been a bit crap. It happens. Now is the time to go celebrate for her, see how she is doing, and cement the friendship for its next chapter (which might be quieter than previous ones, but long-term friendships are like that sometimes, they ebb and flow).

Original poster

BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 21:54

@Spudina

I learnt when I had my own depression that drove away friends, that every one has their limits. Even good/old friends dropped me. I know now not to appear down/upset with certain people. We have fun together. It’s simply too much to lean on one person. Plus your friend has had COVID and all of her life changing events in one year. It’s a lot.

But I’m better now and she hasn’t even bothered to find out!

I’m not sure I want a friendship where I can’t tell my friend that I’m feeling down.

I know she’s been through a lot. That’s why I wanted to catch up to find out if she’s ok and how the new job/ marriage/ city is going. But she didn’t respond.

OP posts:

Original poster

BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 21:56

@Lindtnotlint

This is a good point. I’ve been assuming that she’s been happy, but maybe she hasn’t. Or maybe it’s just been too much for her recently.

I guess I’m scared that I’ll get there and she’ll ignore me. I would be so embarrassed.

OP posts:

romdowa · 01/07/2021 22:01

Personally I wouldn't go. A friend wouldn't ignore calls and texts like she has. I would feel she was only inviting me to the party out of a senso of obligation.

JasperTheHungry · 01/07/2021 22:03

Do you want to go? If you do, then do. There’s no ‘should’ about it. You’re not obliged to do anything, even if your friendship was on perfect terms.

If you want to have a bigger talk with her about your friendship then the party won’t be the place to do it anyway.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2021 22:06

You could try honesty?

Tell her you're excited to celebrate this exciting time together but it's been so long since you talked that you'd really love to catch up before the big day as you understand how busy she'll be on the night?

Original poster

BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 22:07

@JasperTheHungry

Do you want to go? If you do, then do. There’s no ‘should’ about it. You’re not obliged to do anything, even if your friendship was on perfect terms.

If you want to have a bigger talk with her about your friendship then the party won’t be the place to do it anyway.

I want to see her and find out she’s doing. How the job is, what’s it’s like to live on the other side of the country etc. The party looks like it will be nice, but I might not be able to speak to her. I think there will be 100+ people there.

I didn’t mean that we’d have a bigger chat at the wedding. But maybe before? But I don’t want to cause her stress or drama, or make it awkward if I do end up going.

OP posts:

Original poster

BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 22:08

@SleepingStandingUp

You could try honesty?

I tried that. She didn’t reply.

OP posts:

Stiltonlover · 01/07/2021 22:09

This is one of those threads where I'd love to hear the other side.

I'm with PP - for that period of time, she reached her limit with the amount of support she could provide.

You complain she hasn't bothered to find out that you're better now. But she's inviting you to her party? Surely that's the clearest signal that she wants to continue the friendship, albeit on a less intense basis than you would like?

If you don't go, you'll be sad about it. Put your big girl pants on, go, and just have a nice time.

I'm intrigued as to what your DH thinks about all this?

Use627 · 01/07/2021 22:13

The best friends are those that understand when you go a bit distance and when life gets in the way, when you can be exactly like you used to be when you come back together again. No pressure, just natural. I don't see what she's done wrong, her life doesn't revolve around yours, it's great you've got an invite and a chance to catch up.

Californiabakes · 01/07/2021 22:15

I would go, it’s a great chance to reconnect with your friend.

Lollypop701 · 01/07/2021 22:15

This friendship isn’t all about how you feel op. Maybe a lot has gone on for your friend too. Maybe she hasn’t been in touch because she can’t offer support as she’s wiped out, doesn’t want to let you down. Maybe shes just busy. Go to the wedding, do not have any big ideas you will connect, a bride is running around to all guests. Just be there to enjoy her big day with her. Honestly If you don’t go, I fear the friendship is dead in the water.

anotherwinkywinkybumbum · 01/07/2021 22:15

How about writing a nice letter, thanking her for all her support during your tough time and that you're now better. Let her know you recognise she's a newly wed so has different priorities now and that you're happy for her and can't wait to catch up. Go to the party, have fun, catch up casually and then in the future, maybe try and arrange a visit where, if need be, you can let her know you need a little more. Perhaps, once you see each other it will all be okay.

Original poster

BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 22:17

@Stiltonlover

This is one of those threads where I'd love to hear the other side.

I'm with PP - for that period of time, she reached her limit with the amount of support she could provide.

If you don't go, you'll be sad about it. Put your big girl pants on, go, and just have a nice time.

I'm intrigued as to what your DH thinks about all this?

Me too! I’d love to hear her side which is why I sort of want to talk to her about it. I know I was sad and difficult to be around. I was going through a shit time and had a mental health fallout from it.

I don’t need the friendship to be intense. I don’t talk to my other friends that often, but we text every other week or so and meet for brunch/ walks/ movie nights a few times a year. I guess I’m just surprised that she hasn’t called once when she said she would multiple times?

If she’s sort of ghosting me, fine, I can take it. But then why invite me to the party?

DH thinks that I should be more proactive with making contact if I want to chat, not just leaving it for her to call. Which is why I called, and got no response. He also said that if I don’t go to the party, I shouldn’t make an excuse as it’s not healthy to have a friendship where you lie about how you’re feeling.

OP posts:

Peoniesandpeaches · 01/07/2021 22:18

Honestly right now you don’t know what is going on in her life and give that she’s such an old friend perhaps it’s worth giving her the benefit of the doubt. This past year has been weird for everyone. Socialization has felt overwhelming for me and I’ve not wanted to meet up with even my closest friends. I just couldn’t make myself do it. Messaging felt easier because I could take my time and not have to mask my face doing it.

Figgygal · 01/07/2021 22:19

Meh you’ve tried over and over again to engage with her and she’s ignoring you
I’d not go to the party expecting any meaningful time with her but you could go make the best of it anyway (says someone desperate for a night out obviously) and don’t care if you’re just making up numbers for her

Original poster

BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 22:20

@anotherwinkywinkybumbum

This is a nice idea. Writing letters is my go-to in tough situations but I didn’t know if it would be full-on after a year of barely any contact.

Maybe it will be ok. And maybe she will see that I’m not the emotional wreck she knew a year ago. I really am back to my old self now.

OP posts:

ElderMillennial · 01/07/2021 22:21

You have said it doesn't feel like there's a friendship there any more so that may be your answer but will you regret not going?

I had a good friend whom I'd kind of lost contact with. She was the kind of friend who was quite intense when single but didn't have as much time once she was in a relationship. Anyway she called me to tell me she was getting married and invited me to her wedding. At the time it seemed strange because I hadn't heard from her for months the or years at the time. I was really unsure about going to the wedding because I felt we didn't really have a relationship any more and also for practical reasons. I decided to go and our friendship flourished after that. We don't live nearby so we don't see each other in person very often and we tend to text rather than speak on the phone but she is one of my closest friends and probably the person I would confide in most.

If I hadn't gone to the wedding I think the friendship would have been over.

Original poster

BigBlueDesk · 01/07/2021 22:25

@ElderMillennial

You have said it doesn't feel like there's a friendship there any more so that may be your answer but will you regret not going?

If I hadn't gone to the wedding I think the friendship would have been over.

This is really good advice. Maybe she just needs to see that I’m not how I was and things will get better on their own.

It does feel like a bit of a gamble though, going all that way, booking a hotel etc to get a glimpse of someone who I’ve not spoken to in a year.

I’m so glad to hear that your friendship has flourished since. I’d just like to know how she’s doing and catch up once in a while.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 01/07/2021 22:25

I think you haven't given your friend's side of this proper consideration. There's a pandemic. She got married and moved. There is a lot going on in her life and she may be struggling herself.

She supported you a lot a year ago, and now because she's taken some time to step back, for whatever reason, you're upset she's not performing her friendship duties. That's harsh on her.

I think you're being overly dramatic because of your mental state and you would live to regret turning this into a no-show drama.

JasperTheHungry · 01/07/2021 22:27

Oh gosh, sorry! I didn’t mean you’d want to chat deeply at the party.

You come across as really thoughtful and kind, but not keen on this party. You sound like you’d like to re-connect outside of the party space though. I would try to find a way to do that.

ElderMillennial · 01/07/2021 22:28

I think if you go then just don't set your expectations too high, purely because there might be a lot of people there and she might not have time for a long one on one conversation. Maybe if you go with the expectation of a quick hello and congrats to her end if you get any more then that's a bonus as you may be disappointed if you go expecting more on the day.

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