What should I do about my friend and her party?

[BigBlueDesk]

This may be long, so please forgive me.

I don’t know what to do about my friend. We’ve known each other since we were 11, so 20 odd years now. We’ve not spoken at all in over a year, apart from a few texts, but she’s now invited me to her anniversary party and I don’t know whether to go or not.

My friend is really kind, incredibly smart and a very nice person. I miss her a lot and wish we could go back to how things were.

Over a year ago I had a tragic family incident that my friend really helped me with. We chatted for hours on the phone almost daily and once the first lockdown was lifted, we went on walks. She was engaged at this point and as I’m married, we talked about lots of marriage related things too.

She got married in a very small ceremony (I wasn’t invited because of Covid) last summer. We haven’t spoken once since.

She moved down south, started a new job (shift work) and got married. A complete change in her lifestyle.

At this point I was still trying to cope with my family tragedy and developed anxiety which I had counselling for and is now much better.

We texted a few times but the conversation never really went anywhere.

Over the year we have arranged to chat on the phone a few times. All the times I have told my friend when I’m free and as she’s the one working shifts, told her just to call me when she was off-shift. She never called and wouldn’t acknowledge that she didn’t call in her next ‘Happy New Year’ type text.

Over a year on and her first anniversary is coming up. As they couldn’t have a big wedding, her and her husband have organised a big anniversary party. Myself and my husband are invited. But I’m not sure why? I’m not really sure if we’re friends anymore and I literally have no idea what her life is like. She hasn’t checked in with me about how I’m coping with what happened and to be honest, I don’t feel like I know her at all.

Last week, I called her without arranging it beforehand like I’ve tried in the past. She didn’t pick up, but did text to see if it was an emergency. I told her it wasn’t and that I just wanted to see how she was and chat before her big party and to call me when she was free. She didn’t reply and hasn’t called since.

So, what do I do? Do I book a hotel in the city where she lives for her party? Do I go? If not, do I tell her why?

Just to add, my friend has been back to the city I live in and she is from multiple times over the past year but hasn’t once let me know and suggested meeting up.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

I really don’t know what to do. I miss my friend, but I think our friendship might be over?

@Doyoumind

I think you haven't given your friend's side of this proper consideration. There's a pandemic. She got married and moved. There is a lot going on in her life and she may be struggling herself.

She supported you a lot a year ago, and now because she's taken some time to step back, for whatever reason, you're upset she's not performing her friendship duties. That's harsh on her.

I think you're being overly dramatic because of your mental state and you would live to regret turning this into a no-show drama.

If you’d read the OP properly, you’d have seen that I’m not in a ‘mental state’ anymore. A very terrible thing happened to me, I needed support, I got the support and now I’m better.

I'm crap at staying in touch even with friends I really love. It's a failing I know. The truth is I find long phone calls very draining and especially if I'm dealing with something tricky.

I've lost a fair few friends over it but have kept others whom I see or speak to rarely but still consider dear friends. I've had to accept that if people can't deal with a bit of a lack of contact then we can't be friends, because this is not behaviour that I can change - not in a sustained way anyway. In your shoes I wouldn't abandon the friendship but if you can't deal with a friendship like that then maybe it is the end. I don't know.

The worst that can happen is that you get a nice night away in a hotel with hubby and can finally close the door to that friendship.

I think you sound like you could have been a bit of an emotional drain. She had a lot going on in her life too and it sounds like you were very needy and whilst I get you had a family trauma there is a limit for everyone. I stopped seeing a good friend of mine because she turned every single conversation round to herself. In the end it was just draining. She obviously doesn't dislike you but she has a lot of stuff going on in her life and probably needed to pull away a bit

Maybe she's been going through some stuff- just go with an open mind. The last year has been rather unusual.

but maybe she just doesn't need such a close relationship with you anymore now that she's married. That's perfectly natural
Is it?? One day you're just dating and you need your close friends. Then you get engaged and you need your close friends. You get married and friends become someone you see once a uear

To me, not seeing a friend for a year or even several years wouldn't mean we weren't still friends - it's a normal part of life when people's circumstances changes. However they do always respond sooner or later when I contact them and vice versa. I'd feel very awkward if one didn't. So I can see why you feel she may be cooling off.

But it could just be circumstances and I think I'd give her the chance by attending the party. Having said that, holding a big party is one way of keeping in touch with the less important people in your life and doesn't always lead to a renewal of a close friendship.

I wouldn't have it out with her though. She'd either be blunt and hurt your feelings or deny everything, so what's the point? Actions speak louder than words. She's invited you - just go and see what happens.

By the way, my best friend of 40 years standing once went through a period of depression and I struggled very much with meeting up with her, even though I did out of loyalty. I felt very guilty but it was real ordeal to spend an evening with her at the time.

@SleepingStandingUp

but maybe she just doesn't need such a close relationship with you anymore now that she's married. That's perfectly natural Is it?? One day you're just dating and you need your close friends. Then you get engaged and you need your close friends. You get married and friends become someone you see once a uear

I’m with you @SleepingStandingUp, I didn’t drop my friends when I got married and neither have my other married friends. In fact, it’s nice to have other people to talk to!

Yup. I love DH but he isn't my one and only friend. I like going out and leaving him with all the kids whilst I catch up with my mates and I hope he's tidied up because we lost track of time and came back late!

Right, I think I’ll go. Unless she calls me between now and the party and we have an actual falling out.

I guess I just need to see it as a weekend away with DH. We’ll stay in a nice hotel, get some brunch and meet up with other friends before the party.

If it leads to a flourishing of the friendship, great. If not, then I’ll be glad she’s happy and see her as an old friend, rather than a current close friend. If the party is really awkward, we can just leave as soon as is polite.

I would go. I would have a nice night away and explore the city so you don't feel you're wasting your time/money.
From your posts you sound like you're trying to justify not going but really you should and I think you know that. If nothing else you will know where you stand. By making a nice weekend of it you will take the sting out if the friendship is over.

She's been back to your home town where you live several times and hasn't told you?

I think this friendship is over really.

Little point on challenging her on it. You will never get to the truth.

I think that's a good callm. Closure or opening up a new chapter

Theplantsitter- I am exactly the same! You’ve explained it so well!

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

She's been back to your home town where you live several times and hasn't told you?

I think this friendship is over really.

Little point on challenging her on it. You will never get to the truth.

Yes. Once was recently so not really lockdown and we could’ve met for a proper meal etc.

Even if the friendship is over, would you still go?

You sound like my friend, every conversation is about her and her boyfriend, and even if it isn’t, it somehow becomes about them. I was also on the phone for hours every day, and when they got back together, yup… radio silence. She too went through a massive family trauma, and I was there for every step of it, and again, fkd off when the boyfriend came back into things.

You’re being very one sided. Coming from the other side as someone who has also moved/got a new job and other huge life things, we need support too!! Not once did I get a call to ask how work was going, how the new house is, how I’m getting on, and any phone calls I did get quickly turned back to their relationship.

Anyway… people like this are very draining and it’s difficult to be around when you’re trying to make positive choices and be happy, especially at difficult times like new jobs/house moves. I’ve pulled back from my friend and tbh I don’t even think she’s noticed, however she may be feeling as you are, and until she starts to call and ask how I’m getting on, I wouldn’t be inviting her to my party.

I had a sort of similar thing in my mid twenties. I was a terrible friend-I am sure you are a good friend, but I was a drunk selfish mess. At the time all my friends were getting married and having children and looking back I was too immature and wanted everything to stay the same. This particular friend, who looking back got married at twenty three and had been doing the slow fade on me since, but for some reason used to invite me to her special life events 30th birthday, husbands 30th birthday, children’s christenings and I used to go, all awkward and nervous, I was obviously totally out of place at these events as we were not friends-I can laugh now at what a weirdo I must have looked. In the end after her DHs birthday, in which her sister told me how strange it was I was there and she would see me at the next life event-she was joking but she was not wrong I left it a few days and messaged her-predictably no reply I just gave up after. I don’t have her contact details but sometimes I wonder if I am due an invite to the the kids sweet sixteen soon! I am still baffled to why she invited me to these events-I bet she is baffled to why I attended. You should definitely try to talk to her again before you make a decision, but I am not sure if I would go to so much effort for what seems to be a distant friend.

OP - this is how I see it from your posts:

She's supported you heavily through a difficult period. In your own words I admit that I wasn’t fun to be be around then

You say I thought that’s what friendships were about but friendships aren't about giving beyond what you can reasonably give, and from what you've said I suspect that's where she got to.

Being blunt, it probably got to the point where seeing your number flash up on her phone gave her that sinking feeling because you know it's not going to be a fun conversation. And with all her own stuff going on, she's probably avoided you, not having the bandwidth to support on top of moving regions, getting married, and starting a new job.

And now you're talking about "having it out with her" because you say you're better so she should be happy to pick back up the old friendship. I think you're looking at this in really the wrong way, like she owes you a friendship.

Accept that friendships ebb and wane over life. She's given you a big signal she still wants you in her life by inviting you. You can decide to maintain the friendship or not. From all you've said though you're (unreasonably, imo) feeling hard done by and you do want the friendship to continue, so not going would be cutting off your nose to spite your face, it sounds like.

And as you say - it's a nice weekend in a hotel - if it turns out she's become a total cow in a year, you can still have a nice time.

Finally - and I do ask this really gently - is it possible you crave her acknowledgement that you're "better", as part of your own process of recovering? You seem quite anxious about this situation in a way that only makes sense if there's more at stake for you personally than what's there on face value. Could also be worth reflecting on why that might be.

@SSCCLL

You sound like my friend, every conversation is about her and her boyfriend, and even if it isn’t, it somehow becomes about them. I was also on the phone for hours every day, and when they got back together, yup… radio silence. She too went through a massive family trauma, and I was there for every step of it, and again, fkd off when the boyfriend came back into things.

You’re being very one sided. Coming from the other side as someone who has also moved/got a new job and other huge life things, we need support too!! Not once did I get a call to ask how work was going, how the new house is, how I’m getting on, and any phone calls I did get quickly turned back to their relationship.

Anyway… people like this are very draining and it’s difficult to be around when you’re trying to make positive choices and be happy, especially at difficult times like new jobs/house moves. I’ve pulled back from my friend and tbh I don’t even think she’s noticed, however she may be feeling as you are, and until she starts to call and ask how I’m getting on, I wouldn’t be inviting her to my party.

I don’t know if the situations are the same.

My friend supported me during a discreet period of time when something very traumatic was happening. It was life changing and my family is only just recovering.

I have stayed in touch with her, I want to know how her new life is! I want to support her.

Me and my husband have been married for 5 years so there’s no man drama involved.

If you’d read the OP, you’d have seen that I have called… and got no response. I’ve made an effort.

I’m not all doom and gloom. I have perfectly fine friendships with other people. We go out, meet up, I’m even going on holiday with a friend later this month.

I’m sure it’s tough to support someone when they’re down, but it seems like she doesn’t care anymore (and I’m better!). If so, fine. But then why invite me?

@Stiltonlover

OP - this is how I see it from your posts:

She's supported you heavily through a difficult period. In your own words I admit that I wasn’t fun to be be around then

You say I thought that’s what friendships were about but friendships aren't about giving beyond what you can reasonably give, and from what you've said I suspect that's where she got to.

Being blunt, it probably got to the point where seeing your number flash up on her phone gave her that sinking feeling because you know it's not going to be a fun conversation. And with all her own stuff going on, she's probably avoided you, not having the bandwidth to support on top of moving regions, getting married, and starting a new job.

And now you're talking about "having it out with her" because you say you're better so she should be happy to pick back up the old friendship. I think you're looking at this in really the wrong way, like she owes you a friendship.

Accept that friendships ebb and wane over life. She's given you a big signal she still wants you in her life by inviting you. You can decide to maintain the friendship or not. From all you've said though you're (unreasonably, imo) feeling hard done by and you do want the friendship to continue, so not going would be cutting off your nose to spite your face, it sounds like.

And as you say - it's a nice weekend in a hotel - if it turns out she's become a total cow in a year, you can still have a nice time.

Finally - and I do ask this really gently - is it possible you crave her acknowledgement that you're "better", as part of your own process of recovering? You seem quite anxious about this situation in a way that only makes sense if there's more at stake for you personally than what's there on face value. Could also be worth reflecting on why that might be.

Lols at your selective quoting.

No one owes me a friendship.

And finally, nope. I’m not anxious, I’m sad that my oldest friend hasn’t called me back after a week but still presumably, expects me to attend her party. I miss her friendship, she’s funny and smart and we’ve known each other for decades. I don’t need her acknowledgement of my recovery, I am very proud to be where I am after the year I’ve had.

The way you've replied to anyone who suggests you've been quite a selfish friend is very telling to be honest.

I think you plan is the best one, op - go to the party with a plan to enjoy it, but also just see it as a weekend away with your husband. Nice hotel. Nice meals out. Maybe visit some local sites. So if the party is a bit of a letdown it doesn't matter - you've still had a lovely time.

She has invited you to the party which suggests she would still like you as a friend. If you don't go, you may be left with questions forever. At least you will know that you made the effort to maintain the friendship. If it flounders, it won't be because of anything you've done.

But you might enjoy the party, have a great catch up and leave it feeling better. It's normal and OK for friendships to change over time, and you will hopefully leave with a better idea of where yours is at.

Surely this is how friendships are these days, all of mine are quite arms length/ no pressure, accepting that we’re all busy? I would struggle to maintain a friendship with you given your thoughts/expectations. Im sure you’re lovely, but it would be impossible.

I think it’s too early to call quits on this friendship. I would go but I’d also see if she has time for a one on one catch up over a coffee whilst you’re down her way for the weekend?

I think you're being harsh.

One, your first moved so it is normal for friendships to suffer a bit as there are other friends and you don't see each other very often.

Two, she got married, bought a house and started a new job and a new life!! Of course she's super busy and if she still thinks you need that level of help from her, she may think she will leave it until she's got time and then feel guilty about not contacting you.

Three, she has been your friend for many years and was there for you when you needed it. Sometimes being there for someone means allowing them guilt free space to do their thing.

Go and enjoy yourself and realise that people can have different priorities and still love you.