Friend keeps making put down comments in group situation

[DidSheGetOffThePlane]

I have a group of friends that I meet up with regularly.

One of the group has, over the past year or so, taken to making barbed put down comments about me whenever we meet as a group. I'm not an overly confident person and tbh it's putting me on edge before I see everyone now, and also making me a bit nervous about what I'm wearing and what comments she will make that day!

She is a very confident person who dominates the group and talks about herself all the time. It's quite hard to get a word in edgeways anyway. I don't always mind this in itself but the comments are really pissing me off .

For example we met for lunch on Tuesday. There were 5 of us. Halfway through the lunch she said to me "have you had your hair coloured?" and I said yes, I had it done last week, and she sort of shrugged and said 'well it doesn't look that bad', then carried on with what she was saying. She always makes the comments very quickly and in a smiley way so it takes me a second to realise she's been horrible by which time she's continued in her long spiel about herself anyway.

I really don't want to get into a confrontation in the group situation as I think it will cause bad feeling amongst us all and an atmosphere, but it's really putting me off meeting up with everyone. I know my hair looks nice and I'm happy with it but she's still put a bit of doubt in my mind about my own judgement!

Why would anyone want to be friends with this person?

I'm thinking the same. There are two issues here:

1. Why are you continuing to hang out with someone who tries to humiliate you in a group?
2. Where are your so called friends here? Why don't they have your back?

Everyone else in the group seems to really like her, and they all listen intently to her talking about herself and holding court.

Get know friends, these ones sound awful.

*New friends!

I do have other friends, luckily.

What a nasty cow!.

My own supposedly best friend was like this. Night out and I was wearing a new dress. She said "oh don't you look interesting, I couldn't wear that personally, I'd look like mutton dressed as lamb". I'm 3 years older than her lol.

Next time she says something like that I'd just pull her up on it with something like "I don't know how to take that comment" or "meow" lol

I have a friend like this who I now see only rarely and on a 1-1 situation. I've tried to tackle her about the issue but she says what I'm saying 'is really upsetting her' and she closes the conversation down.
I realised that I'm on edge when I'm around her and careful what I say but that's not what friendships are about so I made the decision to drop right out of the friendship.

Distance yourself from her. But when in the group a sarcastic "thanks" I'm that kind of situation should highlight her rudeness.

It amazes me that she always seems to find something to have a dig about or get a comment in. She must be constantly looking for ways to put me down. She also thinks she is god's gift looks wise and goes on and on about how men look at her in the street and how everyone fancies her.

I think she's jealous of you in some way and feels inferior so she puts you down in order to make herself feel better

You're a threat

@DidSheGetOffThePlane

Everyone else in the group seems to really like her, and they all listen intently to her talking about herself and holding court.

I have found that with people like this - their sheer force of personality means that everyone appears to be attentive and let her hold court, but inwardly are thinking ‘just STFU you gobby cow’.

I don't know why you keep hanging out with them. Not only because she sounds like a total jerk but why is no one else standing up for you? If I was in a group like that I'd say something, like wow that was harsh Nancy.

Yes, I do sometimes wonder if the others all think that she's annoying too. She definitely does have a forceful personality.

Say thank you
Act like it's a compliment.
It'll drive her nuts but she can hardly say actually, I wasn't being nice. I intended to insult you.

Another thing she said recently, when I said we've booked a (UK) holiday for later this summer; 'Oh well, I guess any old holiday is better than no holiday'. We're actually going to a really nice place.

I'd be prepared.

If she said 'It doesn't look that bad'
get in there with a 'it looks great doesn't it' or as pp said 'Meow!'

@VettiyaIruken

Say thank you Act like it's a compliment. It'll drive her nuts but she can hardly say actually, I wasn't being nice. I intended to insult you.

^ that And I think she’s jealous too. I’d limit contact!

"Ooh, ouch!" would be my (loud) slightly sarcastic response every single time she pulls this crap. Every time.

Agree with pp, she is jealous of you. And the rest of the group are probably intimidated by her, hence them saying nothing when she puts you done. Folk like this are always deeply insecure and need to feel better than others to feel good about themselves. If you withdraw from the group, she will pick on someone else.

You're focusing on this one person whereas you should be focusing on your friends. Bullying mostly happens when someone is unafraid if the consequences, or thinks there won't be any, and is usually enabled by the group. It's important to respect someone's dignity and give them space to speak-up, at at the time time, if this behaviour is happening often and is not being challenged by anyone else, that means something. It means the group is putting her needs & personality above your wellbeing. They think they're keeping the peace, hoping to prevent this from becoming a group problem, when in actual fact what they're doing is ignoring your mistreatment, hoping they won't be subject to the same behaviour. Either that or they secretly agree with what she says and will not challenge her because of that.

With comments like that I think you would be justified in calling her a passive aggressive bitch to her face and see how she likes that.

Surely this calls for the classics MN response of 'did you mean to be so rude'?

@DidSheGetOffThePlane

Everyone else in the group seems to really like her, and they all listen intently to her talking about herself and holding court.

The they're silly losers aren't they. They've found their Queen Bee, and she's probably well aware of that. Mistreating you in front of them is a way for her to increase her authority. If you really want to stick to this group, playing on the same level will get you nowhere. You will be forced to keep playing that same game, which she most likely relishes. Either leave the group (I think you could do better anyway) or the only way to deal with someone like this is overt verbal humiliation. It's the only thing strong enough to make cocky assholes back down, but it could backfire.

You need to interrupt her immediately and say for example 'Sorry, what do you mean with it doesn't look too bad?' or 'Sorry, what did you just say about my holiday?' and wait for her to either repeat her nasty comment or back down. Do not let it pass. I would bet she will pack it in. I find that if you ask someone to repeat something that is shitty, they tend to back down.