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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend keeps making put down comments in group situation

90 replies

DidSheGetOffThePlane · 01/07/2021 18:06

I have a group of friends that I meet up with regularly.

One of the group has, over the past year or so, taken to making barbed put down comments about me whenever we meet as a group. I'm not an overly confident person and tbh it's putting me on edge before I see everyone now, and also making me a bit nervous about what I'm wearing and what comments she will make that day!

She is a very confident person who dominates the group and talks about herself all the time. It's quite hard to get a word in edgeways anyway. I don't always mind this in itself but the comments are really pissing me off .

For example we met for lunch on Tuesday. There were 5 of us. Halfway through the lunch she said to me "have you had your hair coloured?" and I said yes, I had it done last week, and she sort of shrugged and said 'well it doesn't look that bad', then carried on with what she was saying. She always makes the comments very quickly and in a smiley way so it takes me a second to realise she's been horrible by which time she's continued in her long spiel about herself anyway.

I really don't want to get into a confrontation in the group situation as I think it will cause bad feeling amongst us all and an atmosphere, but it's really putting me off meeting up with everyone. I know my hair looks nice and I'm happy with it but she's still put a bit of doubt in my mind about my own judgement!

OP posts:
midsomermurderess · 01/07/2021 19:33

Challenge them. Not in a pass ag. 'did you mean to be so rude' way, but directly. There is nothing on this earth someone who is passive aggressive fears more than being openly challenged. And don't let them get away with the automatic fall back of 'I was only ... I was just, oh, do'nt be so sensitive..'. Identify clearly to them what they are doing. Tell them to pack it in. Tell them you don't expect to have to have that conversation again.

81Byerley · 01/07/2021 19:34

How are these meetings arranged? If you're invited again, say " Is the bitch going? Then no thank you".

EarthSight · 01/07/2021 19:36

@bigbaggyeyes

Have a few sentences up your sleeve

'That's a bit rude'
'Oh meowww'
'Oh touche'

Or you respond as though you haven't noticed

'Oh thank you, I'm really pleased with my hair, even if I do say so myself, I think it looks lovely'

'Oh yes I can't wait to go on holiday. The place we are going is amazing with lots of great feedback'

She's probably doing this because you are a bit quieter and I wouldn't be surprised if the other friends think she's a bit of a knob, it's only because she's holding court people are listening. Is it only you she does it to?

@bigbaggyeyes this might work on some, but most of the time all it does is delight them. Some people really enjoy playing petty games like that and exchanging barbs. They have energy to carry on with it and it will carry on a negative exchange like this indefinitely unless it's either totally ignored or they are verbally slapped back down so hard that they won't utter a peep in future.
StillCalmX · 01/07/2021 19:37

Definitely "levelling" behaviour.

This type kisses up, kicks down. You're most at risk if they see you as a low staus person.

The woman who tried to edge me out of a group is very insecure extrovert but she hardly even knows that herself. Im more intoverted and have some insecurities too but im aware of them.

Something about me was triggering this woman badly. She love bombed all others around us and treated me like a ghost.

Kiss up kick down merchants get triggered if you dont realise you're "down"

🍷💐

Closetbeanmuncher · 01/07/2021 19:39

Oh Jesus why would you want to listen to the deluded twunt drone on while her cronies all salivate with their head up her arsehole??

These people aren't your friends OP and when you're not around believe they're talking shit about you!

Focus on your real mates and bin this lot off.

Maray1967 · 01/07/2021 19:44

I wouldn’t spend any time with a person like this , if you’d like to see the others invite them but not her . If they won’t come without her, drop them. If they ask why she’s not invited, be clear. Because she’s vile and I’m not putting up with that in my leisure time.

Hen2018 · 01/07/2021 19:52

I’d say “what?” as though I hadn’t heard. If she repeats the same barb, I’d then say, “no, sorry, missed that again” and just keep getting her to repeat it.

If she says something else when challenged, I’d say, “oh, that’s a relief, I thought you said x, y and z which would have been incredibly rude!”

Katkinsgreyy · 01/07/2021 20:02

She sounds dreadful!
Sometimes I feel more angry with the others who just go along with it and don't stand up for the person being singled out.

I knew someone who sounds like your "friend". Any time you tried to stand up to her, she would play the victim and made me look the bad one!

iklboo · 01/07/2021 20:03

'Excuse me?'
'I don't get it'
'Sorry, what was that?'
'Sorry, I missed that. Say it again'

spongedog · 01/07/2021 20:13

@cansu

You need to interrupt her immediately and say for example 'Sorry, what do you mean with it doesn't look too bad?' or 'Sorry, what did you just say about my holiday?' and wait for her to either repeat her nasty comment or back down. Do not let it pass. I would bet she will pack it in. I find that if you ask someone to repeat something that is shitty, they tend to back down.
this^^

You need to push back each and every time, even it is a few minutes later.

thefourgp · 01/07/2021 20:22

I disagree with all the suggestions of replying with clever little passive aggressive remarks and practiced phrases. You’ll never win at trying to play her game because it’s not who you are. You’re better than her. I agree with @midsomermurderess

* Challenge them. Not in a pass ag. 'did you mean to be so rude' way, but directly. There is nothing on this earth someone who is passive aggressive fears more than being openly challenged. And don't let them get away with the automatic fall back of 'I was only ... I was just, oh, do'nt be so sensitive..'. Identify clearly to them what they are doing. Tell them to pack it in. Tell them you don't expect to have to have that conversation again.*

Don’t play games with her. Be direct and clear that making negative comments about you will not be tolerated. Don’t lose your temper, shout or swear. Keep the high ground. Call her out on it every time even if the moment has passed. Tell her you want to discuss something she said five minutes ago that you found offensive. If she says you’re being too serious or she was making a joke, tell her that she’s not funny, she’s being offensive and she should treat you with the respect you speak to her with. Be strong.

P.s. women should be able to defend themselves but if this happened within my group of friends we would not sit quietly whilst one regularly belittled another. I’d spend less time with all of them.

HeddaGarbled · 01/07/2021 20:28

A lot of these suggestions for how to tackle her are just playing into her hands.

You’re hurt by her comments. I think you shouldn’t play games. Be honest and show that you’re hurt.

It won’t stop her being a bitch but it will make it obvious to the bystanders.

Their reactions will tell you what you need to know about whether you can trust any of them to have your back.

TopTabby · 01/07/2021 20:38

Oh I had a so-called friend like this. Little put downs about my house, my holidays, clothes etc.
She could be really nice but was one of those people who couldn't bear to see anybody get anything good. It was certainly jealousy & insecurity.
It came to a head when she deliberately ignored my new sofa & started to boast about some storage boxes she might be buying. Other friend had her head up her arse so I distanced myself from them both gradually.
I didn't miss her at all!

ILoveShula · 01/07/2021 20:41

You could ask her to repeat it. Just in case you had misheard.

Wearywithteens · 01/07/2021 23:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
DidSheGetOffThePlane · 02/07/2021 19:36

Ok, so I discussed the issues today with a mutual friend from that group who, in a nutshell said she can see what I mean, but that this woman is 'just like that' and that she likes to be the best and that it probably upsets her if I have/do anything that she doesn't have/do.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 02/07/2021 20:05

Oh dear OP, I don't thibk you get it..

That was a massive mistake - she will be off to ram her head back up the gobby ones arsehole and tell her all about what you said, and the comments will ramp up tenfold/she will play the victim!!

Why are you so desperate to stay in this "friendship" group when....

A. Gobshite is a self obsessed bore and the gormless rest are happy with their heads firmly in her arsehole
B. You're an outsider and are being shown this in every interaction

These people are not your friends, the sooner you realise that the better!

TurquoiseDragon · 02/07/2021 20:43

@Closetbeanmuncher

Oh dear OP, I don't thibk you get it..

That was a massive mistake - she will be off to ram her head back up the gobby ones arsehole and tell her all about what you said, and the comments will ramp up tenfold/she will play the victim!!

Why are you so desperate to stay in this "friendship" group when....

A. Gobshite is a self obsessed bore and the gormless rest are happy with their heads firmly in her arsehole
B. You're an outsider and are being shown this in every interaction

These people are not your friends, the sooner you realise that the better!

I agree with this. Your comments will make their way back to her, so I think you'll soon find yourself outside the group. The bit about she's 'just like that' basically indicates this person, and likely the others in the group, are not going to pull this woman up for her nasty digs to you.

You mentioned other friends. I think it's time to cultivate those.

Herecomesspring1 · 02/07/2021 20:44

I would say that she’s jealous of you over something or that there’s something that you do/are able to do (and probably don’t realise) that makes her feel inferior to you and by her putting you down over your appearance (what ‘she’ feels is her strong point) makes her feel better.

But, as an aside, what IS IT with these people? Why do they even have the balls to be a bitch to people for no reason?! Just fuck off. Urgh.

Herecomesspring1 · 02/07/2021 20:46

And if those other people that you’re with don’t call her up on her treatment of you, then they’re not actually your friends either.

Wearywithteens · 02/07/2021 20:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Lonoxo · 02/07/2021 22:19

“Just like that” so she’s minimising her behaviour? What are you going to do now?

Notmoresugar · 02/07/2021 22:37

Next time face her full on and laugh at her and say: ah fuck off you nasty bitch.
Would it really hurt to leave the group - she is very toxic so why are you putting yourself through this shit!?

SylviasMotherSaid · 02/07/2021 22:41

She sounds like Amanda in Motherland :( I hate people like this as usually they are completely different on a one to one basis then give them an audience and they have this knack of getting subtle digs in . It’s not very nice of the others in the group to sit back and watch . I am glad you have other friends

Herecomesspring1 · 03/07/2021 00:27

@Notmoresugar yes!! This is a bit of me!