Friend keeps making put down comments in group situation

[DidSheGetOffThePlane]

I have a group of friends that I meet up with regularly.

One of the group has, over the past year or so, taken to making barbed put down comments about me whenever we meet as a group. I'm not an overly confident person and tbh it's putting me on edge before I see everyone now, and also making me a bit nervous about what I'm wearing and what comments she will make that day!

She is a very confident person who dominates the group and talks about herself all the time. It's quite hard to get a word in edgeways anyway. I don't always mind this in itself but the comments are really pissing me off .

For example we met for lunch on Tuesday. There were 5 of us. Halfway through the lunch she said to me "have you had your hair coloured?" and I said yes, I had it done last week, and she sort of shrugged and said 'well it doesn't look that bad', then carried on with what she was saying. She always makes the comments very quickly and in a smiley way so it takes me a second to realise she's been horrible by which time she's continued in her long spiel about herself anyway.

I really don't want to get into a confrontation in the group situation as I think it will cause bad feeling amongst us all and an atmosphere, but it's really putting me off meeting up with everyone. I know my hair looks nice and I'm happy with it but she's still put a bit of doubt in my mind about my own judgement!

I'd have interrupted her with Just a minute - why would you feel the need to be so unpleasant to someone? That's so rude of you.

Call her on it every single time, even if you have to interrupt her monologue about herself.

Alternatively don't make plans to be with them. If they are all hanging on her every word they aren't worth hanging out with.

@headintheproverbial Is that the classic MN response? That's far too tame.

A better one for someone like this would be ''I feel sorry for you. It might give you kicks for now, but being a bitch won't make your insecurities go away longterm.'....followed by handing her a leaflet for counselling that you picked up from the GP surgery, thinking of her.

She is putting you in your place. She’s a Mean Girl who likes all the attention and others will always side with the mean girl hence why you won’t tackle her rudeness. You either accept what she does or you stop meeting up in a group and instead try to see your friends individually.

She's jealous of you. Either your other mates secretly think she's a bitch too or they aren't your mates.

Next time she makes a comment about your hair for example, eyeball her hard and say 'I'm really happy with it' or 'I didnt ask what u think'. She will soon stop.

@MadMadMadamMim That's not how people like her work. They don't care they're being rude, which is why they're doing it. The whole point is to injure the other party whilst increasing her dominance. Interrupting might work though, simply from the sheer annoyance of it.

Order a gin and tonic next time and when she’s rude pass her your slice of lemon and just say
Here suck on this, it will be sweeter.

I'd go with the miaow every time.

If she asks what you mean then I'd just say it was a catty comment, but anyway, what were you saying?

After a few I'd say wow you are on a roll tonight ha ha ha .

Just highlights for everyone how often she is unpleasant.

It will highlight to everyone how catty she is.

Absolutely agree with @MissMissTorrance - the only motivation she would have for doing this is that she feels either jealous or intimidated by you and putting you down makes her feel more confident. So take it as a sort of compliment and maybe stop seeing her!

I’ve had situations like this. I’m not confident enough to “call her out” in a confrontational manner, but have found commenting back, and getting others involved worked. For example with the hair content you could say: “why, do you think it looks bad? You’ve made me self conscious as I liked it? What does everyone else think?”

With other comments, make it clear it makes you feel bad and involve others so they need to intervene. Other people will see what she is doing

Laugh at her and, as PPs said, a theatrical “mi - aow!” Or “Ooh, burn!” sarcastically.

What's the dynamic of the group when she is not around?

@cansu

You need to interrupt her immediately and say for example 'Sorry, what do you mean with it doesn't look too bad?' or 'Sorry, what did you just say about my holiday?' and wait for her to either repeat her nasty comment or back down. Do not let it pass. I would bet she will pack it in. I find that if you ask someone to repeat something that is shitty, they tend to back down.

Yep this is what I would do, don’t let her comments pass by. You don’t have to argue with her about it, just be matter of fact and casual about it. Then I would calmly tell her that I actually find it rude!

She sounds jealous of you and that she wants all the attention on her.

She sounds jealous op. I'd be getting in first with the sarcastic comments ("You say some man was staring at you today? Maybe you had spinach in your teeth?") but that's just me...

I had a colleague who did this to me, barbed comments that only dawned on me later, so hard to retaliate in the moment. But my friend realised and stuck up for me and I then avoided her as much as I could or challenged when I could. I was single at the time and she made smug married remarks.

@VettiyaIruken

Say thank you Act like it's a compliment. It'll drive her nuts but she can hardly say actually, I wasn't being nice. I intended to insult you.

I’d start to distance yourself from the whole group (a loud, rude woman and no one else speaking up)

As above, but even more so. Actually say out loud in a extra cheery voice “Thanks! What a lovely compliment!” and beam round the group. Use the same phrase absolutely every single time.

No one

No-one wants to call her out first and be at the mercy of her wrath. She sounds unbearable. I'd avoid the lot of them and see if any come back to you and if they do tell them why.

I agree with “did you mean to be so rude?”

@DidSheGetOffThePlane

Everyone else in the group seems to really like her, and they all listen intently to her talking about herself and holding court.

You have to show a little bit of bravery, put her notice.

Next time she puts you down say

"You're keeping me humble"
Or
"Ouch!"
Otherwise, she'll be edging you out of the group soon. Xx

She’s definitely being a bitch but another POV is why do your friends need to stick up for you first? I might think a comment is underhand or bitchy, but I won’t call out a comment not aimed at me because I don’t read minds, I don’t know whether a friend is offended or not. Have you confided to anybody else in the group about how you feel? If a friend told me she felt the way you did, I will try to support her more at these group meetings. I will support and back up as much as I can but it’s not my job to fight people’s battles for them.

Have a few sentences up your sleeve

'That's a bit rude'
'Oh meowww'
'Oh touche'

Or you respond as though you haven't noticed

'Oh thank you, I'm really pleased with my hair, even if I do say so myself, I think it looks lovely'

'Oh yes I can't wait to go on holiday. The place we are going is amazing with lots of great feedback'

She's probably doing this because you are a bit quieter and I wouldn't be surprised if the other friends think she's a bit of a knob, it's only because she's holding court people are listening. Is it only you she does it to?

@MissMissTorrance

I think she's jealous of you in some way and feels inferior so she puts you down in order to make herself feel better

^ This.

I think no-one says anything as they don't want to put themselves in the firing line.

If she is dominant then remember that 97% of bystanders do nothing when they witness somebody else being edged out of the group. So don't confront her, no more than "ouch!" Or "that's me told!"
Maybe talk to her alone and ask her if she's ok as she has made a few put down comments and you know thst that's not who she really is.

not a friend.

stop seeing them