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Original poster

Friend keeps making put down comments in group situation

90 replies

DidSheGetOffThePlane · 01/07/2021 18:06

I have a group of friends that I meet up with regularly.

One of the group has, over the past year or so, taken to making barbed put down comments about me whenever we meet as a group. I'm not an overly confident person and tbh it's putting me on edge before I see everyone now, and also making me a bit nervous about what I'm wearing and what comments she will make that day!

She is a very confident person who dominates the group and talks about herself all the time. It's quite hard to get a word in edgeways anyway. I don't always mind this in itself but the comments are really pissing me off .

For example we met for lunch on Tuesday. There were 5 of us. Halfway through the lunch she said to me "have you had your hair coloured?" and I said yes, I had it done last week, and she sort of shrugged and said 'well it doesn't look that bad', then carried on with what she was saying. She always makes the comments very quickly and in a smiley way so it takes me a second to realise she's been horrible by which time she's continued in her long spiel about herself anyway.

I really don't want to get into a confrontation in the group situation as I think it will cause bad feeling amongst us all and an atmosphere, but it's really putting me off meeting up with everyone. I know my hair looks nice and I'm happy with it but she's still put a bit of doubt in my mind about my own judgement!

OP posts:

Sakurami · 03/07/2021 05:30

I wouldn't lower myself to her standards. I would just stop hanging out with her and if I had to i would just ignore her and chat to the other people.

Or next time someone asks you out from that group, tell her that you can't be bothered listening to her bang on about herself all night, but you'll see them separately.

I have a friend who is brilliant and supportive when my life isn't going that well but who can't be happy for me when it is going well and is jealous when I spend time with other friends (she tries not to be obvious but I can tell). She's a good laugh and I'm confident so it doesn't bother me. However, recently I have realised that trying to avoid talking about stuff or people in case of triggers her jealousy is too much wasted energy so I haven't made much effort to spend time with her.

allswellnow · 03/07/2021 06:06

I have had these types of friends and I cut them all out/ghosted them. Fuck ‘em even though I am alone now

Spyro1234 · 03/07/2021 06:06

I'd call her out on it. She'd probably be mortified! What a horrible person

Justilou1 · 03/07/2021 06:09

Wow… the mutual friend is a soggy sack of shit, isn’t she? Perhaps the best thing you could do to point out her behaviour is to call it out sweetly every time. In a very caring voice point out to her that she sounds very negative all the time/is very competitive/hostile, etc… Perhaps she has found lockdown harder than she’s realised/is depressed/perimenopausal and could do with some counselling.

QueenLagertha · 03/07/2021 06:36

I had a "friend" like this in a group. I just stopped contact completely. The others have all stayed in contact with me and I meet them individually now. I didn't even mention her. I wouldn't please her to hear ive been talking about her. One has recently asked me about it and said she noticed the comments she was making towards me and how she was off with me in general.
I've also heard that "friend" has started to ask what she has done on me and why I don't bother with her anymore. Good riddance to bad rubbish I say. Do not spend time with ppl who chip away at you. I'm so glad I cut contact.

QueenLagertha · 03/07/2021 06:36

I wouldn't bother calling her out as others have suggested. Wasting your time with people like that.

ScottsThots · 03/07/2021 06:48

Ouch. She sounds like a real life Amanda from Motherland. I'd distance myself from her OP

ExcitingTimes2021 · 03/07/2021 06:59

Do it back to her! If she kicks off just walk away coz it’s hardly like you are loosing a good friend! X

Purplealienpuke · 03/07/2021 07:09

I ghosted someone a few years ago for snide bitchy comments said 'in jest' or 'not meant that way' ....
And that wasn't in a group setting!
There were other issues.
In your situation I would leave those arseholes behind, all of them. Stick with nice genuine friends 💐

Martinisarebetterdirty · 03/07/2021 07:14

@Justilou1

I get the point but please don’t use depression or perimenopause to try and point score or belittle someone. OP I have a friend who was like this with my house, little bitchy digs every time she came about something or other, all said with a big smile. I told DP about it and to watch for it and sure enough she did it the next time she came, I looked at him with a raised eyebrow, she clocked the look and tried to back it down to a compliment. She’s never done it again. Personally I’d just give her a grin when she does it if you want to continue the group friendship, it will irritate her the most.

ittakes2 · 03/07/2021 07:20

Choose one of the more empathetic women in the group and confide in her. Ask her advice. People immediately bond with you if they you are vunlernable to them and ask their advice. Makes them feel good about themselves and she will instantly feel protective of you so you have an alley. Especially if you follow her advice.
I suspect others are feeling how you are feeling.

ittakes2 · 03/07/2021 07:27

Sorry I just saw the bit about a mutual friend. If you think you are going to withdraw from this group may I suggest you use this group to find your voice and stick up for yourself? Its not a criticism but I used to tell my children to ignore rude comments and it lead to them being bullied because they became vunerable to bullies. The parenting coach said its important people use their voice and define their boundaries for how they want to be treated. Please practise on this woman as your mutual friend seems a bit useless too. Maybe mumsnet can help you come up with some witty one liners that will leave the women unsure of whether you are having a go at her or not. The parenting coach recommends practising a mean stare only the bully can see.

MaMaD1990 · 03/07/2021 07:54

She sounds very insecure, how sad for her. I'd step back from the group, none of them sound like a pleasure to be around. Friends are meant to lift you up not bring you down (or sit by idly and watch whilst another one slaps you with back handed compliments). If for some god forsaken reason you want to continue meeting up with them, you'll have to start standing up for yourself a lot more.

Blueskytoday06 · 03/07/2021 09:23

Call her on it. In front of the others. Don't let her get away with it. No one should be able to impact how you feel about yourself.

WhenPushComesToShove · 03/07/2021 20:32

I know someone like this. A real queen bee and always stabbing someone in the back, her problems always huge, much discussed and anything anyone else had got going on was irrelevant comparatively (according to her). I always called her out when she spoke badly about someone I knew. Just said I couldn't sit and listen to her badmouthing someone I love. In the end I realised that she was toxic to be around and cut off contact completely with her and anyone associated with her about 2 years. Ago. Best thing I ever did.

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