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Original poster

It’s a year in and… (sex related)

92 replies

Flatwhitewhiner · 01/07/2021 13:59

Hi all,

I’m anticipating a load of ‘leave now’ type responses so am bracing myself.

I (31) have been with my partner (36) for 14 months. We met shortly after my engagement abruptly ended (this is a whole other thread!) and have spent the past year having the best relationship of my life. Neither of us have DC and it’s been fun and games, lots of adventures covid-allowing, activities etc.

But I’m suddenly getting a massive wobble now we’ve reached the year mark and am constantly questioning things. I’ve never had a relationship last past the two years and I’ve almost convinced myself that I’m just not cut out for long term and that I should just stay on my own and casually date. My last relationship ending the way it did was bruising to say the least but I picked myself up.

One of the issues that I keep circling back to is that DP doesn’t seem that interested in sex. Especially not during my period as he finds it off-putting. I decided earlier on in our r’ship that this wasn’t a dealbreaker but now it’s dawning on me that we don’t have much.

As someone who takes good care of themselves (as does he) this is really perplexing to me. He’s been working on the other side of the country since restrictions lifted and after a two week absence he’s been back for 4 days, I’m on my period and… nothing in that department. I’m starting to feel rejected and worried we’re turning into mates. Or that something dodgy has occurred and he’s being dishonest. This is fuelling my fears about us even more and it’s entirely new territory to me. I’ve never had a partner with whom sex doesn’t happen very regularly with so I’m.. stuck. I should add that we’re not fighting, either and have been otherwise back to normal since he returned.

I also don’t know how to broach this in a way that doesn’t feel like a massive dent to his pride. How to sensitively say ‘you don’t want to shag me so I’m feeling disconnected’ without sounding accusing…

Argh. So, wise people of mumsnet. What would you do in my shoes? I don’t know what’s going on but feel like I’m losing sight of something and I can’t shake this awful feeling. We’re trying to book some time away together as a lot of our time has been playing host to friends over the past few months and we’ve been reeeeeally busy. Just hoping this will help but I’m not sure :(

TIA

OP posts:
Wrotten · 01/07/2021 14:01

Hold on, does he not want sex just when you're on your period or is he off sex in general?

minniemouseshouses · 01/07/2021 14:04

I think it’s quite normal to not want sex during period (for men and women). I usually don’t and if I’ve had partners I’ve also got the same vibe off them. So long as it’s not during your non-period times I wouldn’t really be worried, but that’s me.

Cupidity · 01/07/2021 14:04

I'd be respectful of his wishes and not try and cajool him into having sex whilst I'm on my period.

It doesn't bother some men, others find it unpleasant.

user9086336 · 01/07/2021 14:06

It's very, very normal to not want to have sex when you're on your period, for both, in my experience. My DH goes away for months and even if he had been away for 6 months neither of us would be vying for sex if I was on my period. Been there done that, not a teenager any more, it can wait a few days!

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2021 14:08

There's nothing wrong with him not wanting to have sex while you're on your period? I don't like either

Bumzoo · 01/07/2021 14:10

I hate sex on my period and DH isnt that keen on it either.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 01/07/2021 14:12

OP, do you means that not having sex on your period has made you realise that you don't have much sex full stop? If your libidos are mismatched this early on then it's unlikely to improve. Have you spoken to him about it?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2021 14:13

Is he still affectionate? You say no sex but what about kissing and cuddling? How often do you have sex when you're not on your period? It isn't weird of him to not want sex on your period but you can also dump someone for any reason so if no period sex is a deal breaker, that's oj

Garraty47 · 01/07/2021 14:14

Isn't it pretty normal for one or both parties to not be keen on period sex?

Most men I've been with weren't up for it, and I'm not either tbh.

Suzi888 · 01/07/2021 14:15

I wouldn’t want sex on my period either, I think it’s gross (sorry) so I don’t blame him. My DH doesn’t care but it’s just messy in my opinion.

If it’s sex general that he doesn’t want, then that’s another story.

stellaisabella · 01/07/2021 14:18

It's not uncommon to not want period sex - it's incredibly messy. If he's not comfortable with it, then that's more than fine.

I don't think anyone's going to tell you to leave him because he doesn't want to shag your whilst your menstruating.

OnASpoonEdge · 01/07/2021 14:19

In the early days of a relationship, I'd expect you to both be a bit desperate after 2 weeks. I hate the emphasis on PIV that means people just assume the only option is to bleed all over a partner, or have nothing. I'd kind of think he was a bit shit if he couldn't be more inventive than that.

OnASpoonEdge · 01/07/2021 14:22

@stellaisabella

It's not uncommon to not want period sex - it's incredibly messy. If he's not comfortable with it, then that's more than fine.

I don't think anyone's going to tell you to leave him because he doesn't want to shag your whilst your menstruating.

One of the issues that I keep circling back to is that DP doesn’t seem that interested in sex.

It's not just when she's on her period though. And of course, you can do things without ever going near blood. You don't have to act like mates just because one of you is on your period.

I'd want to know why he wasn't a bit keener this early on and not expect it to get better with age if he is 36. This is the most you can expect from him , think of it that way. Will you be happy when it gets worse?

scoobydoo1971 · 01/07/2021 14:27

Don't leave now...but do communicate with him about wants and needs. If you had posted that your BF was demanding sex during periods, and you were resisting, then some would tell you he was being very unreasonable. However, by contrast you are wanting something that he doesn't, and it is a common preference for couples to swerve the deed at that time. Apart from the mess and odour, some woman are not in the mood for anything but chocolate, hot water bottles and ibuprofen. There are other ways to show affection outside sex, and perhaps you need to explore that together as a couple. Maybe he doesn't ask for sex too much as doesn't want to be a sex pest, or maybe you have different needs. You won't know unless you ask him.

Original poster
Flatwhitewhiner · 01/07/2021 14:31

@OnASpoonEdge thanks. You nailed it here. And yes @Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails I think I’m realising it’s mismatched libido wise.

I’m basically getting the vibe that sex isn’t that important to him - period or no period.

And obviously I respect his wishes with respect to that time of the month and how he feels about it. I’m not being a pest! It’s the other times that I’m more bothered about.

OP posts:
Tiger2018 · 01/07/2021 14:33

I agree with the above poster - having open and honest communication is really valuable.

On the period sex thing, I've had a partner who didn't like the mess so I found a fantastic product - soft sponge tampons - can be worn during sex and stops the blood from covering him and making a mess - total game changer!

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 01/07/2021 14:37

I think it's worth a conversation with him about it. A year in and you're already questioning yourself. It may not be the most important thing, especially as it sounds great otherwise, but it has the potential to do you some real damage.

Bumzoo · 01/07/2021 14:47

So it's all the time he's not interested?

Original poster
Flatwhitewhiner · 01/07/2021 14:53

@Bumzoo I’d say mildly interested (2-3 times a week) during non period times.

OP posts:
SwimBaby · 01/07/2021 14:53

How interested or not interested is he when it isn’t your period?

JustAnotherOldMan · 01/07/2021 14:53

@scoobydoo1971

Don't leave now...but do communicate with him about wants and needs. If you had posted that your BF was demanding sex during periods, and you were resisting, then some would tell you he was being very unreasonable. However, by contrast you are wanting something that he doesn't, and it is a common preference for couples to swerve the deed at that time. Apart from the mess and odour, some woman are not in the mood for anything but chocolate, hot water bottles and ibuprofen. There are other ways to show affection outside sex, and perhaps you need to explore that together as a couple. Maybe he doesn't ask for sex too much as doesn't want to be a sex pest, or maybe you have different needs. You won't know unless you ask him.
100% this, I’ve never been with a partner who wanted sex during her period, and I’ve never wanted it, so I think you could put that to one side, and just talk about sex in general and how it makes you feel wanted etc, I don’t see how that dent his pride at all, it might open up the subject to how both of you feel.
JustAnotherOldMan · 01/07/2021 15:11

I’d say mildly interested (2-3 times a week) during non period times.

I know all people are different but that sounds like quite a bit of interest to me, I’m pretty sure most men would be pretty happy with sex pretty much every other day, but I assume you wanting sex daily/ twice daily?

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2021 15:14

[quote Flatwhitewhiner]@Bumzoo I’d say mildly interested (2-3 times a week) during non period times.[/quote]
That's only mildly interested? you must have a pretty high sex drive tbf

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 01/07/2021 15:15

I'm going to go against the grain and say it would bother me, yes. At your relatively young ages and only a year in, I would be wanting to get into it ASAP after two weeks apart, and I'd be wanting to feel sexy and wanted very much still at that stage of the relationship. These gaps usually get wider over time, so yes, if a sexual incompatibility is starting to emerge just over a year in, I'd say that is a concern.

also I like period sex, it's the best thing for cramps

Original poster
Flatwhitewhiner · 01/07/2021 15:19

@AryaStarkWolf correct

OP posts: