It’s a year in and… (sex related)

[Flatwhitewhiner]

Hi all,

I’m anticipating a load of ‘leave now’ type responses so am bracing myself.

I (31) have been with my partner (36) for 14 months. We met shortly after my engagement abruptly ended (this is a whole other thread!) and have spent the past year having the best relationship of my life. Neither of us have DC and it’s been fun and games, lots of adventures covid-allowing, activities etc.

But I’m suddenly getting a massive wobble now we’ve reached the year mark and am constantly questioning things. I’ve never had a relationship last past the two years and I’ve almost convinced myself that I’m just not cut out for long term and that I should just stay on my own and casually date. My last relationship ending the way it did was bruising to say the least but I picked myself up.

One of the issues that I keep circling back to is that DP doesn’t seem that interested in sex. Especially not during my period as he finds it off-putting. I decided earlier on in our r’ship that this wasn’t a dealbreaker but now it’s dawning on me that we don’t have much.

As someone who takes good care of themselves (as does he) this is really perplexing to me. He’s been working on the other side of the country since restrictions lifted and after a two week absence he’s been back for 4 days, I’m on my period and… nothing in that department. I’m starting to feel rejected and worried we’re turning into mates. Or that something dodgy has occurred and he’s being dishonest. This is fuelling my fears about us even more and it’s entirely new territory to me. I’ve never had a partner with whom sex doesn’t happen very regularly with so I’m.. stuck. I should add that we’re not fighting, either and have been otherwise back to normal since he returned.

I also don’t know how to broach this in a way that doesn’t feel like a massive dent to his pride. How to sensitively say ‘you don’t want to shag me so I’m feeling disconnected’ without sounding accusing…

Argh. So, wise people of mumsnet. What would you do in my shoes? I don’t know what’s going on but feel like I’m losing sight of something and I can’t shake this awful feeling. We’re trying to book some time away together as a lot of our time has been playing host to friends over the past few months and we’ve been reeeeeally busy. Just hoping this will help but I’m not sure :(

TIA

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

I’m not sure why you’re so uncomfortable with the responses to OP that have gently suggested a connection based on careful reading of her post.

Maybe because there is a long, long cultural history of women being made to feel like shit for liking sex, or wanting frequent sex. I'll eat my hat if a man was asked if he was "insecure" for wanting frequent sex in a fairly new relationship. Or, for that matter, a woman on here having to justify why she didn't want frequent sex.

Every time this topic comes up with the woman as the higher drive partner, there is a rush of "love isn't all about sex, there are more important things than sex, can't you rise above the sex issue" posts and it fucks me off, frankly. Nobody gets to decide for you that sex isn't important. And people always offer their own personal anecdotes on threads like this. I think mine is just as valid as those who say "blimey, once a week is plenty" and it might even help OP to hear that other people do feel similarly.

absolutely agree. I hate it even more when women make other women feel somehow faulty for wanting and enjoying frequent sex.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity I think you’ve jumped the gun in terms of why people (including myself) suggested speaking to someone. It’s nothing to do with the frequency itself, it’s to do with the emotions OP identified. You’re frustrated, but my post was nothing to do with that.

Abusive partners often leave legacies of ‘normal’ that reflect their needs not a woman’s long after the relationship ends. as I said in my post, if OP works through these emotional and relationship based concerns and still feels that - for her - she wants sex every day and it’s a priority, then all power to her. I’m sorry you feel ‘fucked off’, but to be frank, it could be a completely different issue - and no one silenced you!

@Garraty47

OP, do you think 2-3 times a week is low purely based on your ex that wanted it every day?

Or do you want it every day?

I've been with DH 10 years, madly in love, no kids, late 30s, we only have sex 3-4 times a month. Not everything is about sex, and not having sex every day doesn't mean it's a bad relationship.

Agree

OP you're equating sex to love and affection. Which are completely different things.

2-3 times a week at 31/36 with no kids is higher than average in my friendship group. We're all 2-3 times a month.

I don't think your partner is the weird one here.

I would have sex at least once a day and am climbing the walls after two weeks without it. I got used to living with less when in my marriage but I didn’t enjoy it. I have tried and failed to have a long distance relationship since, I wouldn’t start a relationship with someone who works away again. It just doesn’t suit me.

For me, it is not tied up in self esteem. I just love it.

Does your partner reject you if you initiate sex? Or do you wait for him?

It’s like the difference between eating a microwave dinner (no sex) or a beautiful three course dinner (sex). They both feed you and you don’t NEED the three course dinner. But if you love your food, you would want beautiful food most nights because it tastes amazing.

It doesn’t necessarily mean the OP is equating love and sex.

I live with my DP, been together 5 years, we have sex about twice a week. Works for us. I think 2-3 is good but if you don't, then that is normal for you too! Mismatched libido's sadly. I think you're right to cool it because it won't work for one of you long-term x

We are 19 months together, no kids, live together. We probably average 2-3 times a week, concentrated around the weekends. A bit less recently as I've had an extremely stressful couple of months at work and haven't had the energy, but hoping that's going to level out now.

For complete clarity I'm not keen on period sex. DP isn't bothered by it but respects my boundary. We do other stuff around then and occasionally get carried away .

But as PPs have said, if it's not enough for you then that's fair enough and maybe you need to talk to him about it?

I don't equate love and sex. I love sex, I love the way it makes me feel. In my youth I had had many ONS because I loved sex.
With my current DP I also like the intimacy sex brings. I enjoy the physical and emotional aspects of it but I don't confuse one for the other. My Dp loves me, I know he loves me whether we have sex or not, but I want it because it feels good.

[quote Flatwhitewhiner]@JustAnotherOldMan I don’t think anyone should ‘push for sex’. Not ever.[/quote]
@Flatwhitewhiner let me rephrase the question,
Your clearly not happy with your current amount / frequency of sex and there is only one person who can really help with this.
So what is the one thing that is preventing you from bringing this topic up for discussion, are you worried about the response, or do you just feel uncomfortable about raising this as an issue?

I haven't read all the responses but I'd say listen to your gut. I ignored similar doubts and regretted it very much. I'd suggest you think of leaving now while you aren't too enmeshed with each other.

This childish, ‘it’s not normal’ isn’t helpful and doesn’t change the fact that your norm and his norm aren’t aligned.

You’re not wrong and neither is he, what is wrong, is not accepting your missed matched libido’s and moving the hell on.

Wow. I wasn’t expecting so many wide-ranging responses. Thank you to everyone who hasn’t tried to paint me as a nympho/excessively wanting something my partner can’t provide. And thank you to those who didn’t focus on the period issue which genuinely wasn’t the main point of me posting. At no point did I say I wanted sex everyday, simply more often in view of my OH’s working patterns etc. On balance I don’t think it’s helpful to compare sex lives/regularity with others as there are sooo many variables. This thread shows that in spades.

I’m also very pro sex and pro women liking sex and not being made to feel odd or different for it.

I raised it with him last night and he agreed it’s important for us to prioritise sex, especially when he’s been working away. He’s in a manual job that is superrrr tiring but I explained I felt a bit concerned when it doesn’t happen once he’s back. He reassured me there was nothing to worry about. We have a lovely relationship and everything bar this one mismatch is adding immense value to my life so I’m going to take him at his word.

Wishing you all well and thanks for the support!

Under 30s have sex, on average, 112 times a year. 30-39 year olds have sex, on average, 86 times a year. That works out at a lot less than you have currently, suggesting that your partner has an above average sex drive or willingness to engage in sex.

I'm not sure those statistics are very helpful unless they're for the same exact situation. I'd say lots of 20 somethings aren't in long-term relationships, which means even if they pull a one-night stand weekly (they wish) that's once a week. And most 30 somethings are probably locked into kids, unlike the OP.

Also, the previous poster who said she doesn't understand how sex is affected by having children after the children are newborns... Really? Exhaustion, physical issues as a result of childbirth, finding five fucking seconds the time to have sex, some tiny person always hogging your bed and refusing to go back to their own. It may not impact you if you really only ever wanted it once a week, but for most people, it certainly does affect how often they can do it. I don't know where I'd find the time or energy or bed space to have it as often as I'd like. In fact, I never found newborns ruined my sex drive. i had loads of time off and needed something to do besides watch the baby nap! Someone banging on the door for breakfast or their arsewiped definitely does tend to kill things dead in the water though.

I don't think your partner is the weird one here.

Nice

Glad you had a chat OP . I hope things work out for you both🙂

3 times a week is almost every other night? I'd say that's a pretty active sex life, so maybe he's posting on another forum that you want it an unusually high amount

Period wise, none of my partners have been interested during. I think it's completely down to that particular bloke whether it gives him the ick or not.

Is it the amount of sex or does he not seem like he's particularly mad for it? If so, I do get that, my ex and I had sex 3 times a week or so but he never jumped me like he was so crazy for me he had to have me there and then sort of thing and that made me feel undesired.