It’s a year in and… (sex related)

[Flatwhitewhiner]

Hi all,

I’m anticipating a load of ‘leave now’ type responses so am bracing myself.

I (31) have been with my partner (36) for 14 months. We met shortly after my engagement abruptly ended (this is a whole other thread!) and have spent the past year having the best relationship of my life. Neither of us have DC and it’s been fun and games, lots of adventures covid-allowing, activities etc.

But I’m suddenly getting a massive wobble now we’ve reached the year mark and am constantly questioning things. I’ve never had a relationship last past the two years and I’ve almost convinced myself that I’m just not cut out for long term and that I should just stay on my own and casually date. My last relationship ending the way it did was bruising to say the least but I picked myself up.

One of the issues that I keep circling back to is that DP doesn’t seem that interested in sex. Especially not during my period as he finds it off-putting. I decided earlier on in our r’ship that this wasn’t a dealbreaker but now it’s dawning on me that we don’t have much.

As someone who takes good care of themselves (as does he) this is really perplexing to me. He’s been working on the other side of the country since restrictions lifted and after a two week absence he’s been back for 4 days, I’m on my period and… nothing in that department. I’m starting to feel rejected and worried we’re turning into mates. Or that something dodgy has occurred and he’s being dishonest. This is fuelling my fears about us even more and it’s entirely new territory to me. I’ve never had a partner with whom sex doesn’t happen very regularly with so I’m.. stuck. I should add that we’re not fighting, either and have been otherwise back to normal since he returned.

I also don’t know how to broach this in a way that doesn’t feel like a massive dent to his pride. How to sensitively say ‘you don’t want to shag me so I’m feeling disconnected’ without sounding accusing…

Argh. So, wise people of mumsnet. What would you do in my shoes? I don’t know what’s going on but feel like I’m losing sight of something and I can’t shake this awful feeling. We’re trying to book some time away together as a lot of our time has been playing host to friends over the past few months and we’ve been reeeeeally busy. Just hoping this will help but I’m not sure :(

TIA

[quote Flatwhitewhiner]@Bumzoo I’d say mildly interested (2-3 times a week) during non period times.[/quote]
That’s perfectly normal for a 36 year old man.

@sergeilavrov thank you for your thoughtful response. I hadn’t ever considered that sex to me is bound up in self esteem. I believe there’s something in that.

My ex partner wanted/expected sex everyday and in hindsight I think it obscured a lot of obvious problems in the relationship. Going from that to this has been a big adjustment.

It’s really not about the period thing, despite what others have suggested. I’m making it clear that he works away half them time (so no sex then, obviously) then I’m on my period (so no sex) and then when he’s here it’s 2-3 times a week. So naturally I’m not having an excessive amount, whichever way you look at it

If you're unhappy in the relationship either talk to him and see if anything changes or leave
You have no kids or ties to him

Sorry OP, I meant normal as in sort of expected for the average 36 year old. If you’re not happy you should talk to him about it because this won’t get better or more frequent from now on its own.

About a year into our relationship, we had sex probably almost every night and during my period as well. We’re we’re mid-20s at the time though.

Then we drifted after 4 years or so down to a few times a week and now, 15 years on, it’s around once a month. For some inexplicable reason he has ramped it up lately to twice a week.

So what’s stopping you pushing for sex daily on the week your both available?

@JustAnotherOldMan I don’t think anyone should ‘push for sex’. Not ever.

[quote Flatwhitewhiner]@JustAnotherOldMan I don’t think anyone should ‘push for sex’. Not ever.[/quote]
Quite.

Imagine "my gf only likes sex 3 days a week, aibu to push for sex daily because I have a high sex drive"

@Flatwhitewhiner
But if your not happy with that part of your relationship, you only have 2 options As far as I can see

1. Articulate this to your partner in some manner
2. quit the relationship

I’d

I’m in my 30s with no kids and intend to stay childfree but I consider 2-3 times a week a lot. I’d personally be happy with once a week or less (even if the relationship was shorter than 14 months). I’m just not bothered about sex really. But that’s me. I’m not you. I’m sure there are people out there who want it every day and multiple times - you’re one of them and your partner isn’t. There’s nothing wrong with either of you, but your sex drives are mismatched.

In your last relationship where he expected sex everyday - did you want that all the time or not. And I assume you have linked that to be wanted and loved.

I disagree with the assessment that it is the low side of normal. I think it sounds perfectly within the normal range of a relationship of 14 months. Neither high nor low.

I dont think this is a problem with him at all. He has his sex drive it is what is it.

All of your first post and a lot of your second are about how it makes you feel and how you view sex, and your fear of rejection and that he has been dishonest

I'm a bit uncomfortable with the implication that if the OP would ideally like sex more frequently than "average", it's because she has self-esteem problems or previous relationship baggage or something. Maybe she just likes frequent sex.

When I didn't have kids I wanted it once a week, possibly twice, when I did have kids I wanted it once a week, possibly twice. Unless you're talking new born babies I don't think it makes a huge difference.

Do you actually want sex every day or have you just been conditioned to see that as equating to love by your relationship with your ex? Can you be happy 'only' having it two or three times a week? It doesn't matter what's normal for anyone else it just depends if you're happy. If you have a much higher sex drive I'd end it now though personally as mismatched sex drives is a deal breaker IMO.

Crumbs- I thought 2-3 time a week was average- hardly high. I would like it more often- DP says I have a high sex drive. but I think it's normal and his is low tbh. It does cause some friction.

@BigButtons

Crumbs- I thought 2-3 time a week was average- hardly high. I would like it more often- DP says I have a high sex drive. but I think it's normal and his is low tbh. It does cause some friction.

sorry but "cause some friction" :)

ok I'll get my coat

@godmum56 I know right. If only. LOL

2-3 times a week is pretty average leaning towards high I would say. It sounds like he fancies you and wants to have sex with you, possibly you have a high libido and his is just normal. If he is affectionate and loving on the other days and isn’t just recoiling from a hug or kiss on your period I personally would accept that he’s not comfortable with PIV sex on your period. I don’t think it’s you or your relationship I think it’s just a quirk he has and tbh that’s okay unless you’ve decided it’s a deal breaker.

You have not mentioned if you initiate sex?
Does he flat out turn you down?
Is he busy when he's home or is he knackered?

Even now, if DH and I had been apart two weeks, we'd be getting it on the night he was back, or maybe the next night if he was really knackered from travelling, and we've been together nearly two decades and have multiple young DC. I would hate it if we'd been apart and when he came back he didn't show any keenness. And I don't think it's because I have self-esteem issues. My self-esteem is fine, I just like to have a robust level of sexual interest from my partner, and vice versa.

I know you say that period sex isn’t the main focus of your post so I won’t go on but I think it’s fairly standard for either sex to want sex during periods.

2-3 times a week sounds healthy and normal to me but you clearly aren’t happy with it. Do you think maybe to you sex=love? I used to be like that, I thought if we weren’t ripping each others clothes 24/7 it meant he was losing interest but real, lasting love goes a lot deeper than just sex. That isn’t to say sex isn’t important, it absolutely is but it’s just one part of a relationship. Do you feel happy, contented, loved? Does he?

*sorry to NOT want period sex

I think your first post speaks volumes. I can’t imagine being ridden every single day of the week, my vagina would be red raw. This seems excessive to me even for a nee relationship tbh.

Though I can only talk from my own experience but I had this as well. I have never had a relationship go past the 2 year mark, never lived with anyone, never even been on holiday with a man.

When I met my partner we were all over each other. Seen him 3-4 times a week (we lived 20 miles away from each other) and we would have sex all night long, even on a school night. Which thinking about it now, I don’t know how we managed it 😂 we must have been knackered. And my bits definitely suffered the next day 😂

About the 6 months to year mark, the honeymoon period kinda ended and we got to the stage we were in love and comfortable and the sex started to take a back seat to other things that bond and connect a couple. We still had frequent sex but maybe not as often or for as long as before. I took this to mean he wasn’t that interested in me and we would be ending soon.

I ended up speaking to him about it and he had to explain to me (he had been married and had obviously gone through all the stages of a relationship that I hadn’t) that sex normally peters off eventually once the initial lust stage passes and grows into real love. He still fancied me, loved me, wanted me but sometimes he was just too tired from work or just wanted to chill out instead of turning me upside down and shagging me every which way. It took me ages to get it into my head that this didn’t mean we would end, it meant that we were solid and relaxed around each other.

It got even less when we moved in together. Especially during lockdown. Seeing each other every day, 24/7 for months on end was a real passion killer. I still managed to end up pregnant though 😂

Now we live together, we have sex once or twice a week. He works away a lot as well and is sometimes only home for 36 hours. Sometimes we don’t manage it at all if there’s other stuff going on.

Before him I had a miserable record of short term conquests who were only in it for the sex so a comfortable, long term relationship where I live with a man is still quite alien to me.

I think 2-3 times a week sounds about right for the length of time you have been together. I imagine if you got to the stage of living together it might lessen again due to life getting in the way so I would say that’s definitely something you might need to be aware of going forward but I don’t think what you’ve written sounds like your partner isn’t interested in sex.

Although it’s true that your sexual life can diminish in frequency once you’ve been together for a while I don’t see this as an inevitability. I think it needs care and nurture just as other aspects of the relationship do

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity But that’s you? And your situation? Which doesn’t tally up with OP’s discussion about feeling wanted, fears about long term relationships not being possible for her, and the abrupt end of her engagement.

I gave the statistics for context: for this purpose, it’s better than anecdotal evidence, given she is feeling unwanted. I’m not sure why you’re so uncomfortable with the responses to OP that have gently suggested a connection based on careful reading of her post.

OP, do you think 2-3 times a week is low purely based on your ex that wanted it every day?

Or do you want it every day?

I've been with DH 10 years, madly in love, no kids, late 30s, we only have sex 3-4 times a month. Not everything is about sex, and not having sex every day doesn't mean it's a bad relationship.

I’m not sure why you’re so uncomfortable with the responses to OP that have gently suggested a connection based on careful reading of her post.

Maybe because there is a long, long cultural history of women being made to feel like shit for liking sex, or wanting frequent sex. I'll eat my hat if a man was asked if he was "insecure" for wanting frequent sex in a fairly new relationship. Or, for that matter, a woman on here having to justify why she didn't want frequent sex.

Every time this topic comes up with the woman as the higher drive partner, there is a rush of "love isn't all about sex, there are more important things than sex, can't you rise above the sex issue" posts and it fucks me off, frankly. Nobody gets to decide for you that sex isn't important. And people always offer their own personal anecdotes on threads like this. I think mine is just as valid as those who say "blimey, once a week is plenty" and it might even help OP to hear that other people do feel similarly.